091　Don't take him away

Spring has passed and summer has begun. The prophecy said that Hikaru's partner Lady Murasaki would be seriously ill, but when I hear that she seems to be doing well, I feel like I will be saved.

"We all enjoyed the festival!" 

Hotaru sent me a letter to let me know how everyone was doing. I heard that the oxcarts of aristocrats coming to see the festival were crowded as usual, and the festival ended with great success. The temple in the mountains to the west where I live is cool in the mornings and evenings, but the Imperial Capital is probably getting hotter. Around June, 

"Princess San-no-miya is pregnant." 

Yugiri-kun was the first to tell me this important news in a short letter. The time has finally come... Reizei-san said that the baby San-no-miya will give birth to will be the main character after Hikaru dies. It is our mission to raise him cheerfully as Kashiwagi-kun's child, and it is also our challenge to those books. 

"Kashiwagi is joyful and telling everyone." 

This sentence alone made me smile as I could see how excited he was about his wife's pregnancy. Is San-no-miya feeling well? They must be having a great time getting the necessary items for their first baby and thinking of a name for him. 

"Mikado and Reizei-san are having the monks pray for a safe delivery. I'll do that too." 

I received a kind letter from Hikaru and I thanked everyone for their thoughtfulness, and I am deeply lost in thought. If birth and death go according to those prophecies, San-no-miya will give birth to a baby boy safely and Kashiwagi-kun will pass away. However, I didn't follow that prophecy and married her to him. Then she will give birth. Her baby is born as Kashiwagi-kun's son from the beginning. What meaning does this fact have and how much will it affect the future? 

"How are you, Father? I have been pregnant since this spring. I thought it might not be possible anymore, so I'm very happy that my dream came true. He and his family are also joyful and can't wait to meet the baby. 

The letter San-no-miya sent me was full of the joy of her soon-to-be mother. 

"How happy Mother would have been if she were alive! Make sure your body doesn't get cold. I hope the three of you live happily together." 

 As I was writing back to her, I thought that I was relieved that she was happy about her pregnancy. There is nothing sadder than fearing and regretting the birth of a new life. I'm glad that Kashiwagi-kun didn't have to suffer about or hide San-no-miya's pregnancy either. I think their marriage was a good thing based on that fact alone. 

However, I have not let San-no-miya read those books of prophecies. She knows nothing of the misfortune that may happen. That's unfair to her. Everyone should have the right to know the future, but those books contain serious secrets. Should it be made public to as many people as possible, excluding that part? No, if you read even part of it, there will definitely be someone who wants to read it all. I just can't do that...

How much would she sorrow over if she lost her beloved husband during the happiest period of having a baby? Will she regret meeting him? Will she be able to stay strong and raise her son even after her husband passes away? I wonder how much I can support her now that I am old.

I asked myself many times whether I made the right choice. Kashiwagi-kun's death may come later, and the birth of his son may save him. I sincerely hope that happens... The things that have supported her until now, such as a happy married life and the presence of a cute son, may turn into a burden for her. Still, I feel like I had no other choice. No matter how many times I was asked to do it over again, I would have agreed to their marriage.

◇◇◇

"Lady Oborozukiyo has become a Buddhist nun." 

A short letter I received from Hikaru in the fall stunned me. She said that she feels like I have been take away by the Gods and Buddhas, but I never thought she would become a nun... 

"She said she misses you and can't stand not having you by her side." 

Hikaru may have written this out of consideration for me. I was surprised that she became a Buddhist nun, but I was glad and smiled. She was more like a sister than my wife, and she took great care of me. She is attentive and loving. She is a talented and versatile lady, so I think it might be nice to live in Hikaru's house, but she probably can't stand being treated as second or third place. 

I prayed day and night as a monk. May all lives shine to their fullest. May the Buddha's blessings be upon everyone. San-no-miya's pregnancy progressed smoothly and reached December.

"Nio-no-miya was born. He's cute so far." 

Hikaru told me in a letter that his daughter had given birth. Nio-no-miya kun is our fourth grandchild given birth to by Princess Akashi. 

"He gave me a bamboo flute and asked me to give it to our child." 

One day, I received a letter like this from San-no-miya, I stunned and looked at it for a long time. 

"He also gave me the deed to his mansion and manors. He says that if our marriage has lasted this long, it is customary to give these to me." 

I was worried about what kind of reply I should write to her. 

"I think it's a good idea to talk to him and do as he says. Is your body feeling tired? Please eat warm food and get a good night's sleep. Spend some relaxing time with him." 

Snow was piling up at the temple in the mountains to the west. I offered food and drinks to the messenger who brought her letter and invited him to stay here tonight. It's dangerous to walk on snowy roads at night, so I'll have him take my reply back to the Imperial Capital tomorrow. Kashiwagi-kun is always smiling and calm, but it seems like he is already prepared for death. I'm not sure how convinced he is of that, but he's taking steps just in case that happens.

Kashiwagi-kun never left the Imperial Capital to travel or secluded himself in his mansion. He goes to the Imperial Palace like other aristocrats and carries out his duties with a nonchalant expression. I thought of asking Mikado to grant him leave. However, it was too unnatural for him to suddenly make such a request when he was not sick, so in the end nothing could be done. 

"Yugiri-kun, is there any change in his behavior? He seems to have entrusted his property to San-no-miya." 

"I heard he asked Reizei-san to take care of Kaoru. 'It might be not necessary since Kaoru's grandparents are there,' he also said." 

When I read Yugiri-kun's letter, I felt my heart tighten. Is Kashiwagi-kun going to pass away just like this, living a casual daily life? Is he really not going to regret it? He is true to his promise to Reizei-san, and he probably hasn't even told San-no-miya about those books of prophecies. It must be hard for him to keep pretending to be cheerful in front of his wife. 

I am deeply grateful to Kashiwagi-kun for always being by San-no-miya's side, and I hope that his fortunes would change. I want him to be with his wife to watch his son grow up. I want him to continue to support Mikado with Yugiri-kun. Please don't take him away... I hoped for his survival to a degree unbecoming of a monk.