033　Kill me please

Hotaru and Reizei-san's horse riding lessons were well received, and everyone who saw them at the garden of the Imperial Palace complimented them. Even without considering the fact that he was the Crown Prince, he was still a young boy and his horseback riding performance was spectacular.

"Mikado!"

The way he calls out to me from his horse is so dignified that I can't help but want to bow to him. Reizei-san waved at me with a dazzling smile.

"When I ride a horse with him, we end up standing out."

Hotaru seemed to be concerned about that, and smiled bitterly.

"Because you are attractive too. People will probably wonder what's going on when the two of you walk around on horseback."

"Free people often follow us!" 

I realized that I hadn't taken that into account and reflected on myself. Even aristocrats do this, so if they go to town, will they be surrounded by even more people? However, they don't secretly go see their lovers, so I don't think there's any need to hide it. 

"Well, they're like bodyguards." 

"I'll wear a long sword just in case," Hotaru said casually.

"If you are in danger, should I stop?" 

"No biggie! No one can slash me here."

Hotaru laughed nonchalantly, and

"Shall we go?"

he asked, a little nervous.

"Yes..."

"First, we'll walk around Sanjo Mansion and wave to her."

I asked Hotaru and Reizei-san to wear informal attire, and one sunny afternoon I let them out through their usual gate. Today they have to pass through two gates to completely exit this enclosed palace. I handed Hotaru one of the letters I had handwritten. 

"If you are stopped by the gatekeeper, please show him it."

"Don't worry, I'll pass quickly on my horse." 

Even as he answered, he put my letter between his clothes. I don't think there's anything to worry about since he's an Imperial Prince and has a high rank, but I gave it to him to avoid being accused of kidnapping the Crown Prince. Riding on a horse, they leisurely approach the gate leading to the town. I saw them off until they were out of sight, and then handed another letter to the gatekeeper who stands every day at the east gate of the palace.

"Please keep this on you at all times for a while. And if you run into any trouble, please let me know right away." 

"As you command, Your Majesty."

The gatekeeper nodded, looking a little worried. I didn't want to bother him, but I was sure there was a way to help him if he got into trouble.

◇◇◇

I heard that the day's walk was successful and Reizei-san was able to surprise and please his mom. I didn't even send Lady Fujitsubo a letter in advance because I wanted it to be like "casually stopping by" while taking a walk. They live within walking distance, so I think it would be nice to meet them whenever they like. I wanted Reizei-san to think, "It's not difficult to meet Mom."

I was happy, but I thought there would be some interference with us. As expected, the gatekeeper to whom I handed the letter was replaced by another person the next day.

"He says he is unwell."

The gatekeeper who replaced him said that, but I thought it was absolutely a lie.

"Could you go to his house and bring him in? I'll be standing here until you return."

"Oh, however... Your Majesty."

I stood by the gate and showed my intention not to move. I feel sorry for him, but I have to be strong here. Having lost his position to me, he was troubled and went to his boss for advice. After a while, a person who seemed to be his boss's boss came out and said to me with awe:

"Of course, Your Majesty. He is on his way now."

I stood there until the original gatekeeper returned. I was prepared to stand there for any number of hours.

"I'm sorry for getting you into trouble."

I apologized to the gatekeeper who came back.

"Please don’t worry about me, Your Majesty." 

He shook his head, and

"I also have a son who is similar in age to His Highness. I understand your thoughtfulness." 

told me gently. I immediately headed to Umetsubo where my mother was. Lately she has been at the Imperial Palace more often to keep an eye on me.

"Have you been a bit too domineering lately?"

My mother didn't show any regret at all, even when I saw her. She sits leaning on the armrest and looks at me with a critical sidelong glance. She resembled a giant coiled serpent. I wasn't afraid of her, who everyone else was afraid of.

"I am humbled that you would say such a thing to me."

When I replied, she made a sour face and I laughed inwardly. Since we are mother and son, it is natural that we should resemble.

"Please don't prevent Reizei-san from meeting his mother."

"I'm not getting in the way."

"All right, then it was my misunderstanding."

I knew that if I questioned her head on, she would pretend not to know. Persuasion won't work on her. I have no choice but to make her understand by force.

"That gatekeeper has the letter of an imperial command. It is my orders that he guard that gate."

When my mother heard this, she turned her face away in displeasure. She seems to have been beautiful in the past, but now her eyes and mouth have changed into a stern look.

"Why are you being so mean?"

I felt sad and asked her.

"Does a son need a reason to meet his mother?"

She doesn't answer anything.

"I don't want to see you hurt anyone anymore. It's hard for me."

Filled with deep sadness and helplessness, I stopped speaking for a while.

"If you don't like me, kill me please."

I said that and left her room. She is hated by everyone, but I can't hate her. On the contrary, I love her. Even though she was so mean, I believed somewhere in my heart that this wasn't who she really was. I knew that she loved me desperately, even though it was crooked love. The next time she hurt someone, I was prepared to stop her, no matter what the cost.