024　Empty

I don't remember after that. I was staggering and needed someone to help me walk to the oxcart. I borrowed Hikaru's cart and returned to the Imperial Palace, escorted by his attendants. There was nothing. When I took away my memories with her, I had nothing left. 

I was able to carry out my daily duties. I just have to be a doll and sit there. My attire and hair were arranged by the people around me. Hikaru mourned for his wife for a while in the Minister of the Left's mansion and never came to the Imperial Palace. I also wanted to wear gray clothes to mourn for her, but since I wasn't part of her family, it felt unnatural and wouldn't be allowed.

Lady Aoi never came back to life,* and was buried in Toribeno around August 20th. I didn't know it was so sad. My heart was empty. I wonder if baby Yugiri-kun is doing well. Is he smiling innocently, not knowing his mom's death? 

*At the time, people thought to be dead sometimes regained consciousness, and their families watched over them for a while. 

Some of the ladies at the Minister of the Left's mansion returned to their parents' homes after she passed away, but others stayed behind to serve Yugiri-kun. A lady who is good at drawing drew him and sent it to me. He vaguely resembled Hikaru and Reizei-san. I had a joy. And I felt sad that I felt even a little happiness.  

"Mikado, Mikado"

As I was vacantly sitting and looking outside, a cute hand tugged my sleeve. Reizei-san was already able to speak well.

"Mikado, come here."

I walk guided by a little hand. When I went into his room, I found ink paintings spread out all over the floor. There were also paintings of flowers and landscapes, ox carts, animals, and brave samurai.

"You like ink painting, right?"

I asked with a smile, and he unfolded the paper his nanny had given him and showed it to me. 

"Mikado, Taisho, Hotaru!"

I wonder if a court lady drew it for him. Me, Hikaru, and Hotaru are drawn well. Reizei-san spreads out the caricature on the floor and points to it for me.

"Mom!"

As he said this, he proudly showed me the Lady Fujitsubo he had drawn. She is depicted in a large circle with a smiling face.

"You are good at drawing."

I felt happy but sad again, and I smiled trying not to let the tears fall. I could only live with hope for his growth. I must protect him. No matter how empty I am. I'll be his shield. 

"Hi, Reizei-san, let's play!"

When Hotaru rolled the ball from outside the room, Reizei-san stood up and chased it, catching it right away. 

"Let's play kemari, Hotaru!"

"It's dangerous to play barefoot."

Hotaru took Reizei-san out into the corridor and played catch with him. It was peaceful. On this day, Hikaru, who had finished mourning for his wife, came to the Imperial Palace for the first time in a while.

"You've grown a lot!"

The sight of Hikaru holding Reizei-san and comforting him looked exactly a young dad.

"I'm thinking of holding a coming-of-age ceremony for the girl I'm raising at my house."

"Are you going to marry her?"

"Well, hard to say."

Hikaru gently nuzzled his cheek against Reizei-san's and smiled.

"She trusts and relies on me like a dad. I don't wanna give her to someone else."

Someday... he said as he slowly walked down the corridor in the direction pointed by Reizei-san who was holding him.