021　Be broken

"I think I'm pregnant."

The first letter I received from Lady Aoi after I became the Emperor showed a strong sense of anxiety.

"I've been feeling sick since the end of last year, but lately it's been particularly bad, and my chest feels like it's being squeezed. I have the monks perform blessing prayers, but it doesn't seem to get better."

I was worried about her and didn't know how to respond. 

"Please take care of yourself. I will also have the monks pray for you."

After writing that, I thought I forgot to say congratulations. This is a happy thing, right? The birth of a new life is a happy thing, but giving birth is scary because it is life-threatening. I remember last year, when we exchanged the scroll of the story every moonlit night, as if it were a long time ago. Hikaru returned to the Minister of the Left's mansion from the Imperial Palace, and more and more days he went to work from there. 

"How is Lady Aoi's condition?"

"She's not feeling well. She looks more exhausted than when Lady Fujitsubo was pregnant."

When Hikaru said that, I became even more anxious. He have played a bamboo flute for Reizei-san and become his play partner; and I was pretending to be passing by and asking him.

"Don't make that face. It's a happy thing for now."

"Sorry."

I'm sure I'll be happy when Hikaru has another child, but... I want Lady Aoi and her unborn baby to be healthy. That night, the indigo blue scroll arrived and I was nervous to open it. 

"If this baby is born, please take care of him, even if it's just once in a while."

It must have been hard for her to hold a writing brush... Her letter was written by her rather than having someone write it for her.

"I absolutely promise you. As his uncle, I will do my best."

I wrote it like an oath and handed it directly to the messenger.

"Please tell her that she doesn't have to force herself to reply to me."

The minister of the Left's mansion was probably not the time to be corresponding with me either, so the messenger nodded at my words and left. I prayed with my palms together every day. I hope her baby is born safely... I couldn't sleep at night, and even during the day, I was in a daze in my seat, praying for nothing but that.

◇◇◇

In April, the festival was finally held. On the day of the procession, Ichijo-oji Street was so crowded with many oxcarts carrying court nobles and ladies that it was difficult to move. As I had hoped, Hikaru perfectly fulfilled his role of delivering the written imperial orders. I heard that there was a huge uproar as not only aristocrats but also the townspeople took to the streets to catch a glimpse of him all dressed up.

"Ma’am was not feeling well and didn't want to go until the end, but we insist that we really wanted to see him. We went without making any arrangements, so we were in trouble because we didn't have a place to park our oxcarts. We should have given up and went home... The young servants got drunk and started fighting with Lady Rokujo's servants who happened to be nearby. As a result, we forced her oxcart away and parked there. It looked very terrible. We won't be able to show ma'am it again."

I received sad news from the lady-in-waiting who always gave me good drawings in my letters with Lady Aoi. The letter she sent me on another piece of paper, since she couldn't write on the scroll, showed a tragic oxcart that had been broken and pushed aside. 

"Ma'am is very depressed and her health seems to be getting worse. She now has no energy to hold a writing brush and lies constantly in pain. There's no way to apologize, but we are irredeemably sorry for ma'am and you." 

I felt as if everything in front of my eyes turned pitch dark. They must have forced themselves to go out because they really wanted to see Hikaru's special day. I can't believe this happened... My heart was filled with sympathy for the lady whose oxcart was broken and worry for Lady Aoi.