A Marriage

It was 1959. We were residing in a house belonging to Bhatkal Gulabi. She was a well known lady at Kundapur in those days. She was wife of a commercial tax officer & was opulent too. As such ,she had let it out on a monthly rental of twenty five rupees only to us. That was a reasonable rent for that building in those days. The house was situated at high school road in Kundapur. It was behind Board High school, Kundapur. It was a big Mangalore tile roofed house in a coconut garden which had more than twenty coconut trees & other trees like jack fruit trees, guava tree mangoes trees. A small cluster of bamboo was also there. We were enjoying coconut & other fruits that were grown there. Besides, there was a cow shed also. During those days tap water was not there in Kundapur. But the house was having a big well which had sufficient water through out the year. The house was convenient in all respects. On the right hand side of our house it was Machus house. They were drummers and pipers by profession. On the left hand side it was Paisa ’s coconut grove with a small hut. Behind our house it was Cycle Narayana’s house. Of course, on the front it was high school road. It was a very convenient house. The atmosphere was very calm and quiet.

At that time Kundapur was a small town. Gulabi offered to sell the house for rupees nine thousand to us. My mother liked the house very much. She passed away recently at the age of 95 years. She used to often repent for not having purchased it. It would have developed into a prime property worth lakhs of rupees by this time. Everything fate decides. Those were our difficult days. We weren't in a position to purchase it. In fact,we were finding it difficult to make our both ends meet at that time. I had never dreamt that we would come out of those difficult days. At that time four sisters of mine were to be educated and married. Further three brothers of mine were to be educated and my education was at the verge of completion only. Lone bread earner of our family namely dear father had breathed his last after prolonged illness. Nobody among us had either employment or business to make our both ends meet. All of us were studying. It was during that critical period of our family this marriage had taken place.

I had come home after my II B.Sc., examination. It was summer vacation. I was twenty years old then. My sister was twenty one years old. She was very intelligent. She was very affectionate. She had discontinued her studies to enable me to continue my higher education because our father was not in a position to bear the educational expenses of all the children. She looked after the ailing father until his demise. She was managing the affairs of our house. Her contributions to welfare for our family have no bound at all. Mother had sent her to Shimoga for onward journey to Mumbai via Harihara, Miraj, and Poona. It was at the instance of my cousin at Saraswat colony Sitaladevi Temple Road, Mahim. My cousin had informed that there was a lakhpathi boy who wants to get married. After a day or two of tiresome second class journey by train we reached Mumbai safely. The boy’s elder brother and sister in law were there. The boy had not come. The horoscopes had tallied. The alliance materialised. The age difference between the two was fourteen years. My cousin had informed them that we were financially quite well off. Marriages are made in heaven. Marriage was fixed after a month or so. It was on an auspicious day. We had limited resources to celebrate that marriage. No wedding invitations were printed for the occasion. The venue was Gulabi house. A few known friends and relatives were invited. It was a simple marriage. The groom party arrived after crossing half a dozen rivers from Hattikeri a small village near Avarse. Hattikeri is a road side village on Ankola -Karwar Road. (NH-17) There were a few houses in that village. Their language and culture were all together different from that of ours. The groom was having a grocery shop in that village. Their old house was located in a huge coconut as well as areca nut garden. The groom was six feet tall whereas my sister was five feet tall. They had not seen one another before. He was lean and aged and dear sister was stout and young. They were not made for one another in any respect. My uncle that is my father’s elder brother and aunt solemnised the marriage. This was a sacrifice rather than a marriage on my sister's part. She thought that she could help us in one or another way through the opulence of her husband. Man proposes but god disposes. Unfortunately, she was wedded to miseries.

Was she lacking vision? Is marriage a gamble? Such other questions arise in me whenever I think of marriages. There is a saying in Kannada according to which in one's life time one has to build a house and have an experience and also one should have an experience of celebrating the marriage of a daughter too . Both are very strenuous. Getting built a house and performing marriages of a daughter are two equally tough tasks. In both these cases there is no other go for one than to spare no pains and augment his or her resources from every possible source. Many of the arranged marriages end in distress. Of course love marriages too. Marriage is a one time ritual as per Hindu tradition.A marriage is not only between two individuals but also it is between two families. Marriage should never be taken lightly and should never be thought as a mere formality. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is not a joke. Importance of marriage, significance of marriage, marriage vows etc we come to know from elders and priests but what is equally or more important is that we should realize ourselves what a marriage is. Positive thinking is always quite essential for a marriage. After much deliberation it should take place. Marriage should be voluntary. Marriage should never be compelled or imposed on anybody. Mutual consent is a must for every marriage. It is a part of marriage function in some religions. The priest in front of audience repeatedly asks the bride whether she has consent for the marriage. She has to convey her consent thrice before the audience.Then only marriage is solemnized.

A marriage requires a lot of understanding. Marriage is a binding relationship. Marriage is supposed to be a permanent relationship. It can remain a permanent relationship only if the relationship between the couple develops .It should be cordial always. It should last lifelong. It is not a mere formality. Marriage is a holy alliance. Marriage provides a life long companion. The companionship should last in happiness as well as in hardship . A marriage requires patience before and after too. It is a decision which should never be made in any hurry bury. A marriage is a dream before it takes place but thereafter it is a reality. All who involve in a marriage must consider it from all angles. It is better to marry late or never marry at all than suffering life long in one or another way. Marriage should be a perfect one. One should not commit any mistake while marrying. It may tantamount to blunder. It is better if there are no compromises either from bride or bridegroom at the time of a marriage. But compromising nature is quite essential in them thereafter and not an egoistic nature to make a marriage successful one. There should be no fault finding exercise after a marriage. Any deficiency in one other should make well; both are two sides of same coin. They are complementary. Life after marriage is a longer one than the life before it. Marriage is a step forward .The step cannot be taken back easily. A marriage should bring in ever lasting happiness. A marriage should not add to one’s problems. How two could get along well and how much nature of one is similar to the nature of other is more important than beauty, financial and other aspects in a marriage. Discontent, disharmony resulting from a marriage not only affects the two but also the entire family inclusive of offspring. That is future generation. Marriage should be an endeavor by both to better their lives. Either of them should not be selfish. It’s impossible to know everything about a marriage.

It is impossible to decode any marriage completely. Marriages are for seeking love, seeking security, seeking companionship, seeking children. Marriage in all its complexity remains one of life's great mysteries. Whether successful marriages are more or failed marriages are more is a question that remains for ever. There are both successful marriages as well as unsuccessful in this world.It is always better to know as many of them as possible before one gets married. That enables one to know what a marriage is. A marriage is a joint venture. Marriage is an important function .It can be celebrated in whatever manner one likes to celebrate. A marriage can be celebrated with all gaiety, all pomp and show or in a simple manner.Success of marriage lies in happiness continuing through out life . Success of a marriage depends on living happily & proving that one is made for each other. Marriage is an happy occasion.Irrespective of caste,religion,country it is conducted world over according to one’s customs and traditions. Of course the purpose of marriage is same world over. It is a legal contract to live together for the convenience and benefit of both involved. A marriage is an adventure. There is no perfect recipe to make a marriage work. Each couple has to arrive at its own formula and that takes years. The single most important ingredient in this recipe is 'love' without that nothing would work.Fidelity and trust are the foundation of a marriage. If a marriage is not working out, it is better to walk away from it. than suffering the pain, anguish and incompatibility by remaining with it. Fate has a say in a marriage. How much is its part in a marriage, it is difficult to envisage. That is why those believe in astrology resort to horoscope tallying, auspicious time etc. A marriage must be a blend of tradition as well as of modernity.

A marriage needs good sex, great communication. All else - commitment, trust, faith - are givens if the first two work well," says Shobhaa De who is a prolific writer. Psychologists or psychiatrists are those whom people generally approach with marital problems. Of course, they solve many of these marital problems that come to them.. If married life is not happy and contended, it leads to many problems. Erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation etc and some other health problems come in the way of a happy married life. Most of them have solution now-a-days. There is nothing to worry. They are common problems. There is nothing to hide. One should consult their physicians without any hesitation in such cases. In a society where there are no divorce and remarriages etc, sexual dissatisfaction leads to illegal relationships. The illegal relationships do not take place openly. Instead, they take place behind the scene or stealthily. They give room to tension, anxiety, guilty conscience etc which are root cause of psychological disorders. Sex education is a must before a marriage. Irrespective of religion, polygamy is to be banned. It is welcome that child marriages are made illegal. Cradle marriages are not taking place. There should be a law which should ensure reasonable age difference between bride and bridegroom so as to prevent an old man from marrying a young girl.

Marriage is a social function. Success of a marriage is social concern too.In some countries only registered marriages are recognised. Other marriages are null and void. A wise man or woman may not be able to attend to his or her routine normally if there are marital discords. There will be waste of talent man-hours etc. Society needs happy marriages. Marriage processes should be more innovative and progressive. There should not be any dowry in any form. Of course; much attention is not paid to jewels, pomp and show now-a - days. Extravaganza of celebration of a marriage is gradually coming down. A day may not be far off when marriage expenditure falls in tax net. Marriage is slowly transforming into a simple but solemn function. In many places it is exchange of garlands by bride and bridegroom in a public place in front of friends and relatives. It should be distinctly understood that how it is celebrated is not important but how they live their lives is more important. In an ideal marriage there is always no difference of opinion between the couple. They never present a different view. They never disagree. They think alike. They are well wisher of one another. They have similar likes and dislikes. They do not displease one another. One sacrifices for the other. They do not want to hear ill of each other. They are one. Under any circumstances they defend one another. They are united in all respects. A marriage must between those two who have similar attitudes, values and beliefs. Personality is always is a key to any marriage .Personality-driven traits -- like being open, easy-going or organized -- play a bigger role in a marriage. Happiest couples share similar traits. But those with personalities similar to their spouses were the happiest. Marriages as highly satisfactory were found to have more common personality traits. One should know why a marriage fails to lead a successful life. It is always better to plug the loopholes .There are many reasons. Some of the important among them are misunderstanding, marital problems, difference of opinion, clash of egos, and lack of development of friendship, love etc. Know one another well health wise, nature wise, and antecedents. That is the key to success of a marriage. Happy marriages lead to happy families. Happy marriages are the best wound healers. This is what a study of American psychologists has revealed.

In twentieth century marriage was nothing but an imprisonment especially to a woman. she was unaware what was happening in the world outside. She was confined to four walls of a house in those days. She had to take care of children and work in kitchen from morning to night. She was a child delivering machine. World was small. Means to enjoy life were limited. It was confined to family and children. Family planning was rarely practised. Families were big. There were families where there more than a dozen children even. Now with planned families & educated women in kitchen, scene has changed. The use of light petroleum gas, electricity, etc for cooking is on the increase. The advent of mixers, dishwasher, pressure cooker cooking range, refrigerator electrical grinder and other amenities have reduced workload in kitchen considerably. Moreover work is equally shared by men and women even in kitchen. Telephone and television etc are found in almost every house. People are enlightened. Now expectations and views about marriage are changing fast day by day. Western culture is spreading.Failure of marriage is so much a part of our society today. Everybody is becoming conscious of their rights and wrongs, duties and privileges etc. Widow marriages, registered marriages, divorces etc are on the increase .When two are in love, nobody should come in their way of marriage. Separating them through some other marriage does nobody good. It is generally disastrous or tragic. Marriages are undergoing a sea of change in every way. Of course, there is no wonder if one feels in this changed atmosphere that marriage should not become like changing of clothes and lose its sanctity.

Marriage is a celebration. It is to be enjoyed to full extent and remembered. Friends, relatives, well wishers every body witness a marriage and wish the couple a long happy married life. Even the couple desires that their married life to be happy also. But we find to our surprise that married lives are a mixed kitty. Many of the married lives are not at all happy even.Is the number of successful marriages is dwindling in the twenty first century? This is question that haunts many now-a-days. I remember in this context, marriage of a woman by name Prathima's. There are numerous such marriages. Prathima's marriage was only one such instance. It was an arranged marriage. She was the eldest daughter of an executive. The executive had three daughters and a son. She was fair, good nature and well educated. She was married to only a son of a rich businessman. When a grown up son was at home, the businessman had married a young beautiful woman after his wife’s death. Soon after marriage Prathima noticed illegal relationship between her husband and mother-in law. As a consequence, she returned to her father’s home and sought divorce from that marriage. Now after a lapse of a few years she has married for the second time a widower. Even though, marriages whether it is a arranged marriage or a love marriage are conducted after much deliberations and thoughts by all concerned, they result in failure as in the present instance. We find numerous problems in case of both arranged as well as love marriages in these days. Number of successful marriages is on the decline at present. On the other hand, the number of divorces and discords is on the increase. As such we do not understand whether we have to blame our fate or the law or our society for this deplorable plight.Even in an advanced country like U.K, we come across forced marriages. A forced marriage is an abuse of human rights and a form of domestic violence which cannot be justified on religious or cultural grounds.

A few can avoid marriage and remain a bachelor through out their life. Human being's life is not complete, without marriage. Man is a social animal. He or she needs a company or a partner. Marriage is a necessity. Marriage is a partnership between a man and woman to lead life together. It is marriage that counts while distinguishing that a man is superior to animals. Though a man chooses a woman and a woman chooses a man, still the belief that Marriages are made in heaven prevails in this universe. Marriage is considered as holy by majority of people in this world .Everything is advanced. A lot of online games now boast of a "cyber-marriage" function and marriage games are popular with millions of Chinese teenagers. Now not only inter caste marriages take place, but also inter continental marriages take place. Widow and widower marriages take place. There are people who have multiple wives/husbands. Secularism is spreading through marriages. In U.S.A. gay marriages, lesbian marriages take place too. His children and her children play together. The bridegroom should be older bride should be younger is also not there. People having similar genes could marry also. Circumstances under which marriages take places are different.

There is a lot difference between theory and practice in marriages. It has become marriage of convenience. Whether sanctity of marriage will remain, what is in store in the ensuing generation is the question that 21 st century has to answer. Everything is left to the choice of people who marry. There is no bar for marriages except that both should be sane and adults. What world expects is better future generation and complacency. Ultimate aim of a marriage is that the couple should lead a happy married life. A marriage can be termed as successful if it achieves this objective. One can put all his or her efforts to achieve this goal. But one is helpless against many odds. Even though time has advanced, there are still a number of loopholes in marriages in the twenty first century. Further, those loopholes cannot be plugged easily too. Failure of marriage is so much a part of our society today. Circumstances, illegal relationships, misunderstandings, difference of opinion, ego and such other elements spoil or ruin marriages. As such, even now it is believed that it is fate that decides or plays a major role in the success of a marriage. In fact , nobody is born is for one another in life. Similarly ,nobody is made for each other in marriage.It is nature of an individual that plays an important role in success of a marriage. Those who have patience and who can adapt to one another very well only would have a successful marriage. Certainly there are after effects after a marriage. We find many changes in one’s life after a marriage. Some changes are for the better. Some changes are not for the good.