My very first experience

Journal entry: Oct. 26th, 2010

*Preface:-- This entry is deeply private. I apologise if it offends, or does not agree with your beliefs. I just want/ need an outlet. Thank you.

Where to begin? I don't even know how to start this journal entry. I was up past midnight crying. And this morning trying to keep a straight face and dry eye. My family is not an emotional one. Never let them see you sad, never show tears, kill-em with smiles and wait them out. Stiff necked survivors of pain. That sort of thing is to be kept behind closed doors in private. So this is a pretty hard entry for me. Because the emotions I am feeling right now are hard to describe. I am trying so hard to not let the world see what I am feeling. Because if someone were to ask me, "wha's wrong-are you ok?" How on earth do you tell them, "No, I am not ok-A dead guy hurt my feelings and traumatized me". In the end, I am OK, and the situation has worked out for the good. It shows the world that life is eternal and we are spirit beings on an earthy journey. That even in Spirit we are not perfect. And even then we struggle to do the right thing, to learn and grow. To love and live.

To show you what happened, I am going to start with a flash back overview of my childhood. In many regards my life from birth to puberty was an ideal one. The "cleavers", apple pie, mac n cheese, glorious Americana. My mom was a stay at home mom, and we lead an extremely full life. I was deeply sheltered in an Evangelical protestant community. It was deeply spiritual, and a very tight knit community. There was not much life outside it. My life consisted of church 3 or more times a week plus going to a religious school. From a child on the inside, this was wonderful. There were no inharmonious events. We all fit into specific little categories in the wide universe; in the community; in it's subgroups; in my own family. I was born deeply spiritual. Let me try to explain. I became a born again at 5. I was very bright and was fully aware of all the concepts that pertained to, even at that early age. At 9 I read at a college level. I sucked at math, but my grasp of big concepts was excellent. Only a few years after that I'd read most of the Bible and could debate most issues with adults.

I carried this into my adolescence where I was soon to be devastated by 3 things. The first was my parents getting a divorce. I won't get into it, as that's another huge drama into itself. Only I'll say it was long and ugly in every imaginable way. The second thing was an awareness or awakening of what gay was, and that, that was part of who I was. My story in that regard was nothing special or unusual. If I tell you the revelation of that fact did not go down well; I am sure you can imagine all the possible things that means. And you'd be correct. Lastly the final event that altered the course of my life from that point forward was my awakening to the paranormal.

I've mentioned that all my life I've experienced the paranormal. What I mean by that, is that as a baby and toddler; I had invisible friends. Both people and animals. To be honest. I don't remember them. But my mother swears it to be so. But this 3rd event happened at the cusp of adolescence. Like I said, I was a deeply spiritual child. At the time, I knew absolutely nothing about the paranormal. There was only Jesus or the devil. I thought each soul was born anew and upon death you waited until the final judgment where you would be drug out of the earth for final judgment and then heaven would be nothing but winged angles, harps and rapturous mindless worship of God. If you had looked me in the eye and asked if I believed in ghosts I would have given you a confused blank stare.

Well, in any case-- I had reached a point in in my adolescence where I strongly felt I was being called to be a missionary to try convert the mindless heathens of the 3rd world. Part of that I'll confess I'd romanticized the idea and found adventure in it all. But at the time I thought it was a most noble and spiritual prospect. So I formally announced such to my parents and church. I don't recall the details as it was quite a long time ago now. But it was a very significant event.

During that day's sleep, at night; I had my first negative paranormal experience. It was to influence, color, and flavor the entire rest of my life up until last night. I'll start by a description of it. And an alternate explanation.

To some "materialists" and or scientists/professionals what I experienced falls into what is known as sleep paralysis. And that it was simply a chance/random freaky event that is common to the human brain/body experience. But I never believed that. And would be willing to bet the lives of myself and everyone I know on it.

So anyway; That night my thoughts and whole being vibrated with this new missionary zeal. I fell asleep with the rapture of it all. That night I awoke in the middle of the night. There was a presence pressing down on my body. I had a hard time moving. My room was lit up with a strange light. I opened my eyes and saw a rolling crackling cloud of viscus energy. It was in motion with lights, flares of streaming vapor and flashes. The colors were yellow, green, white and blue. Waves of emotion washed over me from it. I tried to cry out but couldn't. I struggled and fought. I'd never felt such fear in my life before. I had no clue what was going on. Only that I was awake and felt trapped. To me, it was more real than anything I'd ever experienced up to that point. I no longer recall how it departed or went away, But obviously I managed to go back to sleep.

The next week, during Sunday lunch I told my mother about it. And how it happened after my spiritual decision. At the time through her influence I was led to believe that the devil wasn't happy with my decision and was out to get me. So for the rest of my adolescence and well into adulthood I was traumatized with fear. I took to placing a picture of Jesus in my room and strategically placing Bibles about my room. Up until this year I was absolutely terrified of the dark. I would refuse to sleep alone in the house without all the lights on. I don't think there has been a month of my life since where I have not thought of that event.

Well....as far as the rest of my life up until today... Either I've already told you about it, or you can read some of it in previous entries. But as far as this experience goes...... Last night out of the blue I was given a resolution to it.

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Ok flash forward to present day. I've developed a friendship with Robert. It's an odd one that centers around this dis-incarnate being, who in his most recent life was called Erik. As it turns out Robert, Erik, his earthly family and I are all a part of a big Spiritual family. One which is complicated by the veil around this life, this place, this time that causes us to temporarily forget who and what we are for the benefit of spiritual growth in a wider universe and "real" reality.

Now my growing relationship with Robert has been interesting. To be quite honest while I find value in our friendship because I now have someone who also has spiritual/paranormal experiences to share; I often find my self craving friendship with Robert without Erik. I find myself just wanting to hang out in the normal day to day mundane things of daily life. I know this all sounds strange to be telling you about, but I am trying set up for what's to come next. I have a lot of intellectual curiosity when it comes to the paranormal. I don't just want to know about peoples emotional experiences. I want to know all the how's-why's- and what of the experience. I want to pick it apart and try to learn how it works. I want to know about energy transference, how much, where, when. What cells, what nerves, when energy, how how how. I want to color in the map. And I want someone to talk with it about to. Well, that all sounds really one sided and selfish. But that has been my mindset off an on. I apologise to anyone I came across as cold to.

Ok so back to Robert. I like to bounce ideas off him. So lately I've been thinking about the years Erik was alive in relation to my years here on earth. I was 16 when he was born to Elisa. I've thinking about what all that means. And thinking a whole lot about "What-if's" . What would my life have been like had he not died. Would we have crossed paths? What would his life have been like? What would I have done had we not reconnected like we have? What was his life in Spirit like in the 16 years from the time I was born to the time he was born. What did he do? What does that all mean?

Sooo.... Here is the email I wrote Robert. I was simply hoping for some cute feedback along the lines of "yea I wondered that too!" "I bet he stole our toys and ate our food--ha ha"

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"Robert,

So I was looking at one of Eriks photos and thinking. OMG, he is so young in 2003, and then I thought about when he was actually born to Elisa I was --years old. Right around that time, shortly before is when I had my first terrifying paranormal experience. Which made wonder, what was Erik doing in the time when I was born in 19-- to the point he was born? Was he looking in on me and you? Did we have some sort of extra protection and guidance from him until he was born again?

Have you ever wondered that?

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His reply:

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I never wondered that, but he's popping in to provide answers...

Prior to our births, we did hang around each other. Most spirits who share a lot of lives together do that because they consider each other like family. He also did observe us when we were little, until near the time for him to be born. Erik's saying he didn't offer any extra protection, as at that time he wasn't a guide or guardian so it wasn't for him to do. He also says he did have something to do with your first negative paranormal experience, but it was ultimately part of your lessons. He's saying at the time you were 14 or 15. He'd been hounding your guides to be the first to make that sort of contact because he missed the company and him being the first meant a lot to him. Unfortunately he freaked you out a whole lot in the process. Your guides got a little pissed because he went overboard. He never meant to scare you. That time was the only time it was him. He is saying he's been hoping you'd bring this up, because he knows since you and he have hooked up again it has been a passing thought now and then. He's saying the paranormal experiences you've had weren't all him, though, and they were necessary to put you on the path of our true nature...to question what you were told from others...to question religious dogma...and also to help you eventually get over fear and anxiety about it, as those types of emotions can manifest negative experiences. Your guides want you to know that they would have never allowed you to be harmed by any lower energy spirit, or any spirit for that matter. Erik's now saying "yeah bro...we always got your back! trust in us old lady!".

That was all he had to say. It was more than I thought would come through...I was just gonna say I never thought about it before. :-). Hope it was helpful. As I wrote this, I reverted to doubting myself and Erik stopped me and said take it all out...then it got out of that state, asked him again, and he clarified that my doubt was causing his message to get muddled, so we started over. I feel better now. Anyways, he's asking that you not be mad at him...you know what a practical joker he is!

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This reply was and is the current and literal shock of my life. I can't stop tearing up and shaking when I think about it. Robert only directly channeled part of his letter. What he's not picking up on upon at the time of writing his reply is the history and the seriousness of it all.

As I read this reply via cell phone in bed in the dark, I just burst into tears. I was a wash of emotion. A combination of pain, betrayal, hurt, and at the same time relief, joy, understanding and forgiveness. I don't know how to describe the first part of those feelings to you. To relay the intensity of it all. The closest I can come is to liken it to,... ' say as a child someone broke into your house and accidentally killed your dog. And only as an adult you discover that it was your drunken father who left you and your mother.' And at the same time.... It's like a band-aid and stitches finally was able to stitch up a gaping hole in your side. And you just know it's all going to be OK now.

So I lay there in bed, and kept getting up to go to the bathroom and silently sob. Because I didn't want to try to explain how my dis-incarnate brother hurt my feelings. Or how that I could see him kneeling in my minds eye being held by Jennifer crying with the situation, asking me to forgive me. Or how grim my guides looked at that moment and the protective vibes I was getting from them. The feeling of protection was so strong I think I could have walked through a burning house and not have come to harm. Or how my dead grandfather then came to me to hold me and tell me how he wished he had know what I had gone through. And how I told him, "how could I have told you, you'd have thought me crazy". And how he just gave me the vision of me as a small child and him holding me in his arms.

I am not mad at Erik, I was just feeling really hurt; although I did want to call him a few choice words last night. I am OK now. And I do know about and understand a lot more about things than I let on-on this website. But I feel like I've been through hell and back sometimes, and to find out that my life started with Erik and he's influenced my life all the way to the present (I am sure with my past encouragement), well, It's all just a bit overwhelming. Although-- In a good way, It's very comforting.

Thanks for listening.