Show our teens that 'to feel' is OK

Sept. 22, 2011

Helping Show our teens that 'to feel' is OK. That it's OK to just BE. An introspection:

For many young people, they are raised in a society of action, not introspection. In the busy world of achievers, marketing, modern school systems, and cultural comparisons they often encounter a spiraling well of emotional turmoil without outlet. One in which the perception of expectation is left for them to work out on their own.

So from the security of childhood, the bonds of relationships are suddenly broken or labeled as irrelevant to the achieving the cultural "norms" as seen by today's society. The society of the market as opposed to the society of the community and equal partnerships. They are left seeing only something that they need to achieve. Something they are suppose to lack and gain. As opposed to already having and working with others to build, they are driven to acquire.

Now I know this is just a broad, loose generalization. But I feel especially for boys in this modern age, this sudden detachment of the inner bonds for the illusion that wants society to tell them what they should have, leaves a state of emotional being that is very scary and potentially problematic. I think it's fairly well established that young men do not fully develop emotionally until their mid 20's, but society still thrusts separation on them and expects them to thrive. If they don't they are deemed useless, worthless, and unsuccessful. I think this is really something educators need to look at.

We in Western culture work very hard at providing intellectual tools and resources for professional success. Traditionally the family and social structures were left with the emotional and spiritual development. Often times those role models and mentor relationships become absent in light of educational systems and cultural norms. Somehow in modern society the secondary structures dealing with emotional development have either broken down or are simply unavailable due to outside stresses. I certainly don't know. But I feel there is a big problem. And I think it's a growing one.

It's been said that adolescent boys have a much higher suicide rate than girls of the same age. And I think this is a growing problem as expectations, roles, and emotional health is increasingly left up to the individual in today's busy society. I am not sure about the truth of this, or who's job it is to deal, just that It seems to be a real problem, and just IS.

I think that in our society that emotions are generally feared. And that in teenagers this fear has no outlet during this transition never mind how supportive the family is. The teen will always look to it's peers first. I am not sure if this is cultural, an aspect of modernism, or what? It seems to not matter how much the family wants for the child, the child views himself primarily through the culture first. And often that viewpoint of culture is a harsh one. One of doing, not feeling.

So there is no where for the feelings to go, but under the rug. Depending on circumstance feelings pile under the rug, it grows and grows and grows until they trip on it, and they fear to deal with it. They see telling anyone about them as failure to achieve.

Maybe I am mis-reading the situation.

They see how they feel about what they feel, and they don't know that it's OK. And this contributes to depression. It doesn't matter if this is in the context of relationships, work, or school or family life. Here is an example of how our society reinforces this. "My son is quiet, or sensitive, or sings, or is in drama, but he plays sports, or he seems to have a lot of friends, or is active in church. He is doing great. He's working hard in school. I think this is a cultural condition that is putting focus on doing instead of being. The action instead of joy. I am not citing any one person, but I do think back to my own childhood and remember all the focus being on succeeding and not understanding or being who I was or thinking about how I feel in the context of what I was doing. There simply didn't seem to be the time, resources or know how from anyone involved. I am not saying this is right or wrong, just common.

A lot of kids totally fear saying how they feel for fear of boring, scaring, or upsetting those they love. They don't even feel comfortable expressing that affection in our society. As if such bonds are seen as weak, and not a hallmark of a successful drive. We are taught that we have to strive for that "One goal" That "One person" that "One love" and that it's outside, out there. We need to go get it. But the thing is, they are not told what that means to the inner experience or how to balance the two.

One person can not provide anything that completes a soul. One soul is not limited to anyone thing. One job, one interest, one place, one experience one rule, one way, does not nor has it ever defined any one soul. Those things are not a good descriptor of anyone. What needs to be worked on is allowing resources, opportunities and support structures for teens to see how the only thing needed is what is inside of them now.

Teens often seek a real connection to ways of expressing who they are inside. But they don't know how. They don't know where to start. They are scared, and lost and don't want to disappoint anyone. It's a hunger that has pain. To embrace it can help turn that pain into a balanced drive. I think we can help. I am not sure how to help, but I can tell my story, and I think we can start dialogues in our communities. It's OK to feel and be who you are. Your perfect just the way you are. So am I. So are they.