Loneliness of sensitivity

The following is a series of emails that shows the flip side of the wonder that is being aware of Spirit. Just something to keep in mind.

March 12, 2011

Am feeling very tired this weekend. I had a very very long week of spiritual experiences. Some of which I have not related in the journal yet. On top of this, family, work, friends, and CE blog stuff. I am very worn out. My Spirit Teacher very often tries to get me to have better balance in my life. It's probably one of the most difficult things for me to achieve.

The burden of sensing that which is other is always present with me. Others seek to clear the mind and call Spirit to them. For me, never is there a moment where I am not aware of something unseen around me. It's like I sit behind a curtain and I know there is others behind it. I often try to blank the mind and meditate not to clear my thoughts and connect with other. But to seek ways to turn it off. I often feel like I have no control and can bear it no more. Most people do not understand what this means. They think it would be wonderful. But communication does not work like they think it should. Spirit insists on free will and so will not offer any communication that jeopardizes it. Much of the time it is very one sided. And I tire of it. I can see them, hear them, I know they are there. But the attention and love I seek from them can not be in 3D. It is so often only through the clairs. Much of the time, communication is only surrounding spiritual guidance, emotional and spiritual lessons. It's like being away at war and not being able to touch your loved ones. Not being able to touch them. And all you have a lots of short letters, and photographs. Much of the time; living with this is scary and confusing. But this is my fault. Because I don't have the answers. I only can tell people what I see and hear. And sometimes it isn't much and I don't understand it. But it's there always, whether they believe me or not. And when they don't believe me it only adds to my burden. It reminds me of being a little kid, when I was bullied. Only in this instance the only ones I can turn to, can't help me the way I want. Much of the time; well- no; all of the time I have no choice but to keep trying to live. For me I have no choice. The weight of subjective proofs given throughout my entire life is so great that it totally defines my objective reality. This sounds very crazy to the materialist. Sometimes I've wondered if I should haul my ass to the funny farm. But you see, I lead quite a successful happy life other than this one aspect. But even so. The combination of dealing with this stuff and people can be enough I feel the urgent urge to step away from both.

Many of you must think that surely others like me or in the CE group could help me. They do. They really do. But you see; Life experiences like this, and those in the CE group. Elisa, Robert, etc. These type of things are basically a Spiritual calling. And they have their goals and burdens just like I do. On top of that they have their own baggage and burdens of everyday life. So often times, I am left with nothing else but to journal about this journey. Many of you long for clair experiences. But I can tell you; at times, It's very lonely. Depending on sensitivity, and which for me, is not constant, and depends on the Spirit, clarity and 'realness' is just as real as anything in life. But it's like talking on a bizarre video phone that includes emotion. But you can't touch them or control it.

So while yes, Those in Spirit are there for me 24/7, and yes, while they do wait for me, while they do guide me, it is not they same as a 3D earth experience. So fight for your relationships here and now. Fight for your goals, Fight for your life here. Live and love every moment, ever good and bad thing. Feel all of it. Roll in the mud and enjoy living in tactile ways. Because living consciously with Spirit, it's easy to loose sight of what is important now. sometimes all you can think about is "other" and you long for it so bad it's painful. And when Spirit realizes what your feeling, they will sometimes back off and try to get you to return to the moment. And that in and of itself is painful. So you see Sensing spirit is a mixed bag. And while it's truly been the most joyful experience, the highlight of my life, it's important to show all sides of it for others.

A college of mine to me:

Hey there Jason,

I've just read your message and so wish we lived close as I truly understand every single word that you said, I felt it as I read it, not because of your perspective but because of my own. I feel your sorrow at your frustration and yes people do not understand at all this side of it. They never will either unless they experienced it for themselves, it's not possible for them to.

It is lonely at times, very isolating. If a person doesn't believe in our lives, like yours and mine are, our reality is not an illusion and when it is denied by another, well it hurts like hell. Like you say you didn't ask for it, well maybe you did but not in this incarnation. When people don't believe it, it is very hurtful as it's not all lovely and easy, it's bloody hard. So to go through what we do and then have someone dismiss it as a delusion is very painful, as it's a hard role to fulfil. Very hard.

We have been selected and agreed at some stage in our existence to accept that role. It will never be easy and I have learned and been told by my guides that the people who agreed to it were and are very brave people as when we made that choice we knew fully what would happen and how hard it would be for us. So yes we are brave even if we don't remember.

No matter what happens in our lives it never stops, the pressure and the constant waiting on us. It is ALWAYS 'there'. The 'other' as you so well put it. It's within our minds 24/7 even when not interacting in any way. It becomes all of us. I literally see it as one foot in this world and another in the other world. I feel that I am more in the other world than this, how can I not be? It is reality, just because I can't see it doesn't make a scrap of difference to how very real it is and yes like you I am consciously aware constantly that people are with me every single second of my life, whether I am home, out, on the toilet or even during sexual relations.

To deal with those issues and be able to continue my life in a way that I can cope with it, a long time ago I spent a few days thinking about how I was going to operate normally, without having feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment or have my life decisions changed because of the knowings I have. I decided that I would not accept my life, who I am or my actions or inactions affected by my role. Because if I did allow that then I would not truly be being myself. So that was it for me, I made a choice with intent that yes I accept this role, who I am but I could only do it with no changes made because of spirits presence in my life. I am me and I refuse to turn into someone I wasn't already. So if I walked around butt naked before then I will continue to do so now, I don't btw, but you get my point!

They have to accept this, it's warts an all with me, if they don't like something about me, what I do, they are entitled to their opinion but it will have no affect on any choices I make. I will continue to be who I am whether they like it or not I'm afraid. The way I look at it is if it ain't good enough then find someone else(never happen). I am stubborn and they have commented on how unbelievably stubborn I am. But you know what? I'm glad I am as it's served me well with my world.

I so wish like you said that we could reach out and touch them, hold or hug them, not solely because it would be nice to comfort them etc but because it's a lack or feels like a lack. We can take it to a point, we do this, that and the other but we will never have that lack filled so we have to deal with it the best way we can.

I believe every word and understand when you have experiences that don't mirror others experiences, straight away we feel alone, it amplifies the isolation and is one of the hardest points throughout.There is an area within you, your mind, your emotions that they are trying to help you with and you know that. They are trying to make it okay for you without the struggle of your emotions as you know they know exactly how you feel, they want to teach you so you can carry on without this heavy weight. They'll always be a weight as you know but it can be a little lighter than you are currently carrying.

Right now as I type I hear them, not focusing but it never ever stops, not for a second, no matter how much I give they always want more. And so it will continue forever. So knowing this sometimes I'm selfish as I have to be.

I think you need to be a little selfish too honey. You have to look after yourself first whether thats emotionally or physically. It doesn't make everything perfect suddenly but it will help you. I just mean sometimes not working when you don't feel like it. We are human beings, not superhumans and we are fallible, our guides have to accept that as much as we understand and have knowledge of, we are still humans with the same emotions and needs as any other.

Sometimes I let them down yes, I know that but thats part of being human and it's right. We shouldn't strive to be more than what we are or put ourselves on pedestals. They do that for us!