June 2012
June 29, 2012
Follow up to the first entry from today. I told Nikki about it with the follow up of:
"This is a really strange day. I know how nutty this sounds, but I feel like I am high.
The internet keeps hic-uping. Emails I thought I deleted show up again, music keeps skipping and rebooting / restarting their tracks. my alarm clock, being late. I keep geting the "zone" (channeling trance ) feeling zoom in and out of my body, and It sort of feels like I am missing time, or events or something. It's hard to explain. Like I'll loose myself, look up and not realize what just happened.
Just an odd odd feeling I am not sure how to describe. "
Nikki then replied,
"see. that is how I felt yesterday. (when she met with medium Jeanie Barnes-see links), almost buoyant. It was hard to describe. Jeannie said it our spiritual growth. NOT shift as in..all the crap we hear.Just a release of negative and an allowance of all the good to come in. it made sense when she said it. Ill send the transcript when i type it. "
I then replied,
"Like in the movie matrix.... the matrix is reloading with new software! :)"
Then Nikki (who is a medium in her own right) Replied:
"after i hit send, i got a somebody (spirit) saying. "Really? you arent going to share the other part of that"? LOL
So the knocking sound (she has a lot of physical mediumship experiences) etc is a warning to my higher self in preparation of angels etc. The energy they bring can make one feel dizzy and nauseaus etc. So if we prepare that doesnt happen. As we personally become more equal in vibration that doesnt happen. Also, they whole color thing at my head (more physical mediumship) etc, is in fact a sort of prep for what Jeanie feels is a releasing of old and prep for the new. she said they ask if htis is ok. And my acceptance and delight in havnig them is a sign of approval from me. Jeanie said they always ask if it is a good time and that our angels can do a lot even if we are sleeping or go off with them. So....i strongly feel like this is what was goin on with you last night. The words, "How about now?" Sooo makes sense, look at your writing and your need for sleep (they let you sleep in) and how you feel"
***
I think that's pretty cool! .....
June 29, 2012
Something I am learning about: (Personal Musing)
Self love, concision discernment, spiritual clarity, where I begin and you end. I am learning to get a hold on how I feel about my self worth. My life is such a subjective experience. As a soul I come into life to set up circumstances so that I can see what it is as a soul, on a soul level I have been avoiding. My situations have not been so much about entanglements or getting stuck. That makes it seem like I have no free will or choice. And while that feeling is ok and valid. That's not who I am. Some of the clarity I am learning has to do with figuring out What others shall do for me, what I can do for them, and what I feel I owe, what I owe not just to others, to life, but to myself. To understand how I am a divine creative consciousness expressing myself in an effort to understand who I am. Once I figure that out I can then see what choices can and can't be made in practicing my free will choice as a personality.
I am also learning to discern the importance of my own unique journey that those I share life with help me on. Through this I am learning more about self-worth. This is helping me remove my emotional and energetic blockages on a soul level. Letting me look honestly at myself doesn't highlight the pain to shore it up, but lets me let it flow around and through me, to purge it. Letting in room for me to channel love. It lets me come back to loving myself. This process has and never was about others and their journeys. It was about getting me to love myself so that I can love everything else with conscious awareness.
In this process my most intimate relationship is with myself. Though it's often confusing as all heck, I am trying hard not to give into my inner chaos and hide. I know now that nothing is right or wrong in life, but I also know that for every choice I make I have to face the effects of the causes I create.
I used to not understand what unconditional love feels like. I used to search for it, or hide from it. My beliefs felt pretty messed up and harsh. Until those in Spirit helped me see that the only real clarity in life was found inside myself. It was then I could love myself never mind what my circumstance was. It was at that moment I found I could love others despite our beliefs.
I am trying to trust this ongoing life process of self discovery. I am trying to share what I can. It's not always easy. Sometimes I fall back into old patterns and habits, and then beat myself up for it. It's then I am reminded by those in Spirit to look at what I do have, and what I want. When gets me to ask more questions about who I am. Once that starts I able to ground myself back to what's important. Love.
It's important for me not to start judging things. Once I do that my mind starts making crazy mental leaps of association that only makes the feelings I don't like worse. That's not fair to anyone in my life or myself. I am trying to embrace differences as yet other expressions of All that is, of which I am a part of. I am trying to go into my feelings and just feel them and let go of the ones that don't feel like me. I know in the ones that are, that I can find unity with everyone else. I am trying to see the love in all things. It's those feelings I am trying to trust and have faith in. I am trying to let go of negative feelings. Those feelings I used to feel I deserved. Now I know I am so much more than that.
I've always tried to take responsibility for my physical life. Now I am taking responsibility for my emotional life. I think this is learning about my choices in life, and what that means not on a physical level, but a spiritual level. My free will as a spirit who chose to come here.
I am hoping I can find a good balance between the two responsibilities. I know we are all radiant, beautiful, divine expressions. I know that if we could only see each other on a soul level that Spirit does, I could laugh at worry, and giggle at fear, and run with love, happiness and all the joy I know I am capable of. I can live life in this moment of now, as the eternal being I am.
I dont' have to emotionally react with gut impulses to life around me. I can use life events as a tool to reach inside myself and ask myself, what would the love inside me do? That trust, that faith, that is self love. It's a knowing that in every moment I can be more of who I always am, was, and will be.
Will you share life's love with me?
June 29, 2012
I did a smidgin of channeling last night before bed and so I was up fairly late last night. I had the most bizarre dreams. You know those dreams where you first wake up and you think, OMG, what the heck was that....I am so glad I am awake now...but then immediately forget the content except the feeling? And I am so darn tired.
I only five hrs of sleep I am sure. I know i fell asleep around 11 ish last night then I woke up at midnight. Then at 2 am, my eyes flew open and I was wide awake. At that very moment I heard a female voice from across the room say something out of thin air really loud. 3 words. But the last two were garbled. I wanna say it almost sounded like, " what about now" or " Now, blah blah"....it was weird, my whole body had pins and needles racing up and down it and it was like all the hair on my head stood up on end....and strangely I wasnt scared, it was odd, I just rolled over and said, "I heard you, but the last part of that got cut off". Then I looked at my clock, two hrs past since I had last looked. Exactly, then quick as a wink i fell asleep again......
Meanwhile all my usual contacts in spirit were in and out as they usually were. I just this overwhelming sense that someone was practicing manifestations on or with me. I have quite a bit of experience with objective clairvoyance but this time the audible sound was very loud. Normally it sounds like it's coming from a space less than 3 feet next to me.
I woke up at 5:30, turned off my alarm (phone), got ready for work, let the dog out, came back in and snoozed. Over slept and had to take the train in because I missed my bus. Hour late. Stopped by the coffee shop to grab some food, only to have the clerk forget about me, then once here, found out I need to cover for a sick coworker. All fine and good, but it made for quite the odd day so far.....
June 25, 2012
I would like to review and paraphrase some of what I read and learned this weekend from the book:
Robert Swartz book, Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born
by Robert Schwartz
Permalink: http://amzn.com/0977679462
To open your heart to your self means, opening yourself to all emotion without judgement. Fear, despair, outrage, shame, self hatred, prejudice. We often judge these emotions and so live an unconscious life spent hiding from them, ignoring them. But one of our greatest creative divine powers is to look at ourselves in the dark and transform these emotional energies through our true selves inner light. By paying attention to them without attachment we bring them into our awareness for healing. Then these experiences become part of our personal power and experience. They are are super powers. Our strength.
As these uncomfortable emotions surface and is accepted without judgement we can transform that anger and fear into creative action. It allows us to rebuild ourselves to a higher purpose. We sacrifice those parts of ourselves to be born again through the healing power of the love we can send them. The suffering we experience is very often planned to drive ourselves within and heal our pain, heal our past, past lives, karma and to heal others. We have a chance now, to heal, balance and transform all the chaos. When we agree to look at what is painful with honesty and open arms no matter how difficult the Universe always creates opportunity to heal.
Never judge your emotions. Look at what is behind them. Every emotion, every dark emotion that you don't like carries within it the healing you have sought in every life you have ever lived, across time and space, through body after body. Each of us has carried into that form, the discordance, the "not love" of all our past thoughts, words and deeds for healing, in the now, in our present life. Judgement is a form of separation. It creates attachment. It's difficult to release. We feel apart from from that which we have judged. Inner pain, suffering, and darkness is healed when accepted with love. But we can not do that if we have judged it. It's a paradox. It binds us karmically to what we would release, and distances us from what can only be healed by acceptance and an embrace. Healing will come, even should it take lifetimes. What we judge will attract others that hold the same judgements. In others we see a reflection of ourselves on a soul level. To change this energy we must be open to it, receptive.
Through acceptance, love and compassion for what we feel and experience as well as others we can forgive ourselves for the feelings we don't like and realize that we do not have to hold on to them or let them define our lives. As we learn to have love and compassion for ourselves, we begin to have it for others which allows forgiveness and healing. Through this we free ourselves from entangled hearts and minds and begin to manifest ever brighter realities. Many times to know this in the mind is far different than feeling it. And many times such healing can only be had by feeling it. It is not logical and can not be examined through any perception other than the inner heart. But if we can find a way to allow ourselves, or accept our feelings without obsessing over them in judgement we can provide a neutral space in our minds for them in which we can approach an understanding of them. This coexistence can create a harmony in which we come to a greater understanding of ourselves. What is us, and what is not, and what we wish to do with that.
It is important not to resist our emotions as to do so only strengthens them, unconsciously or consciously. When we acknowledge our feelings without judgement we diffuse their energy and when we have love and compassion for them and their causes we automatically send healing back to the past, forward to the future and transform our current lives. In this way healing ourselves is a very real physical, emotional, mental and psychic event, a process, that is creative and expansive in shifting who we are. Our courage to face, plan, and experience life is among our greatest divine powers. It is our light in the darkness.
June 25, 2012
obnoxiously long weekend. wow. I've had one of those weekends that seemed so long, and you work so hard, that you can't remember when it started and what you did, a blur.
Here's a little video of part of my garden. It's only a cell phone vid, so quality is poor. But basically I finished up my perennial garden. I have some 20 or so plants started. I still have to edge it though and fill in with mulch. And I am still working on my paver and brick walk ways.
By myself I might add. Not easy when it's blazing hot out, and a bad back. I also spent quite a bit time in answering garden questions in a forum for my local city. Other than that, It was just running errands and hanging out with family and friends. The only spiritual stuff that has been going on is reading books like that Robert Swartz book, Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born
by Robert Schwartz
Permalink: http://amzn.com/0977679462
Random thought. It's funny how life can be seemingly divided up into themes. In my own life, if pre Erik, pre 2010 was about living various manifestations of fear; Spiritual, self love or other wise,....2010 was about rebirth, awakening to Spirit. 2011 was about the exploration of Spirit, the spiritual, communication and my place in it. 2012, or at least the past 8 months has definitely been about facing emotions, life, lifetimes and healing it all, or at least learning about healing. And the intensiveness of it all has been so personal and deep that I am not even sure I could begin to blog about it out side of a book or something. And the funny thing is, is that it was not some technique or tool, or way but it was bout facing my fears and loving ......so surreal... I wonder what the next year will bring....
June 21, 2012
Happy solstice. I am out gardening.
June 19, 2012
Storms
I walked out side this morning, and was greeting by this today
Power is out too. We had major storms all night long. High winds, hail, rain, lightening.
Funny last night, I had this weird experience where I heard this dull woosh or hissing roar, sort of like a vibrating wind and felt myself shudder as inexplicably I woke up. Then clear as day someone (casper?) got Boo (Dog) up before the storm to go outside and relieve himself. Then as I sat up in bed, I watched Boo jump up and act as if he was greeting someone, seemingly follow / bounce down the stairs and then wait by the hall then door waggin his tail. Then as he came back in the power went out. Major storm hit. Right over the house. I fell back asleep and I had a weird dream of someone holding me, then Boo or a dream dog on my pillow resting its head on mine, yet i am pretty sure it wasn't boo as he dont mind storms and he has never ever gotten near my pillow. He never leaves the foot of the bed, yet I would swear that it felt just like a dog on my pillow and head. Then I woke up to this crazy loud weird groaning high pitched keening sound. And I remember thinking, gee that doesn't sound like the tornado siren, I guess the boys (eric's) will get me up if I need to go to the basement. well then I get up at 4 am and see the downed tree in front of the house. Weird huh?
More random related:
I wanna know what Eric does or where he is in the wee hours of the morning. Today at 5 ish. I was doing a round robin clair auident test. Where I take a verbal survey of the gang to see how their mental voice feels and sounds and then ponder it all. Don't laugh... There can be a lot of variation at times.... :)
I was fishing for attention from E this morning after I got up and went down stairs at 4 ish after seeing the tree through the window. I was just going to tell him about and see if he had any comment, and I was waiting for 5:30 to take a shower and while his mental voice came in just fine and I did feel some physical / energy sensations eventually in response, like many times (and with others as well), there sometimes seems to be, or what feels like a delayed response. Sometimes I sort of feel like I send a call out, wait, or call out several times before I get a soft "distant" reply.... almost l wanna say it sort of feels like 'Their busy, their attention is being split, or they are far far away..' I've experienced this from time to time as well, when I've learned through Robert that Erik was talking to others at the same time. .. It's hard to describe, and I am certain, my little perceptions are quite mispercieved or off. But as I was doing the round robin, Erik, and Lydia and Angel, were like.. bam, right there. no difference.
Don't get me wrong, shortly there after, Eric was as well, ( I am talking seconds) but then strangely I dozed off right away and then he seemed gone again...until right before I had to get up one of them came back and made beeping noises.
Interestingly, after all that and dozing, I got up to go the restroom and the hanging pans and pots in the kitchen upstairs banged by themselves as I walked past the stairwell. And something in the laundry room made a pinging sound. Note, it was dark and no one was around. Power was out due to the storm
Erik m has always told me that communication is never dependent on physical location, that its about mental projection and tuning into energies. In the desire for communication, spirit, Either brings it to them, creates it, or travels to it., or creates a bridge, channel, or carrier. And he told me that the energy connections between personal guides / angels and certain spirits are more like permanent cables or attachments, so that no matter what's going on, it feels stronger.
Anyway, ... just something odd I noticed.
ps. Erik just told me while I was in the restroom that his connection is stronger due to the network of energies he's plugged into as a guide.
June 18, 2012
Lots going on, busy busy. Not too much time to write.
In other news:
Slaying Your Metaphoric Dragons:
http://www.dragonofdrama.com/the_weekly_lessons
http://dragonofdrama.com/ssllessonarchives/ssl51-current/Lesson68SlayingYourMetaphoricDragons.pdf
June 14, 2012
Something I work on all the time. I think this is a life process, never a one time thing. Like keeping your car tuned up. Keep my outlook tuned up.
(From the web)
33 Powerful Ways of Overcoming Fear … Right Now
June 11, 2012
The other day I asked my mentors, Linda and Z if they could offer any information or words of advice on life reviews from a metaphysical approach. In my June 09 entry (further down this page), I posted some of what they wrote to me via email. Over the weekend, Linda also published the following article:
Sharing a Thought Provoking Inquiry: How can we Evaluate Missed Opportunities
(From Linda)
"I have published a new article on the website entitled, Evaluating Missed Opportunities. I was inspired to write this article in response to a very thought provoking inquiry I received regarding the significance of them. If missed opportunities and the significance of them is a matter of concern to you, this article will be very helpful in understanding the karmic role they may still be playing in your reality. You can access this article in downloadable pdf format on the My Article Page."
EvaluatingMissedOpportunities.pdf
June 10, 2012
Earlier this past weekend I asked a friend (Nikki) of mine, who frequently communicates with her guardian Angel if they had any words of wisdom to share: I was also hoping unknown to Nikki if the Angels would give me any personal information or reveal any information about themselves and their relationships to us as incarnates.
I said,
"I was wondering if you could speak on how you manage to hold on and express such beauty in the face of pain. So many unknowns, so much frustration. How do you let go of blame. Where you ever tempted to give up? What would you say to those who feel the pain of life is too much to believe in beauty, in personal hope. What about in the face of personal suffering? Do you, or Spirit, have any advise for people?"
***
From the Angels:
"Sure, you (already) have the answers but we can talk about it.
You and Jason are a team, such a great team. Life after life you pair up, whether it is in the entertainment industry, as siblings, or parents you choose to work together. This life it is about realizing the gifts you carry within, spiritual awareness and of course love. You work together beautifully. You complement each other in many ways.
You have spoken many times about how Gabrielle, and the medium, explained to you that each of us has a journey. Even in the loss of your son, your journey is separate from his. His (her son's) choices and happiness or lack thereof are not your journey. You share a love (her and her son) and that is what you have chosen to concentrate on. Therefore you have found a means of coping and finding joy in a tragic situation. You have always wanted your children to be happy and joyful. So much so that you supported and mentored them to be independent thinkers. He chose his journey, it is not for you to try to understand. You know you loved him you know he knew love. He will carry that love with him forever. Even now, that love continues to grow and bond is even stronger. You had a choice...to grieve or to find love, You chose love. That is what has allowed you to cope in such a beautiful way.
There is always the option to look for joy in any situation. It takes a strong, evolved person to do this in a time of pain and loss. You managed this beautifully. So much so, that we are brighter because of you. This was not an easy task. You are held in high regard by many, both on earth and here.
'What is most important is for everyone to come to the realization that they enter life with a coach, a camp counselor and guide'. That is their guardian angel. Before you are born we are introduced, we are here always to guide you and help you. That bond is set before incarnation. You understand this, yet as you mature circumstances, religion, family etc play a part and there may be a separation from us. However, your higher self knows we are here...always. You had that connection early on and have always had a sense that you had an angel by your side. That allowed you to trust in us and believe all that you have been given. Your angels will never misguide or lead you astray. We ALWAYS point you in the right path. What appears as a negative situation is only your doubt and fear. If you look at every opportunity with love and joy you begin to see that we are in fact showing you a better way. Many, many a time there is a preconceived outcome on your part so you doubt our guidance and turn it down. Some would look at the loss of a son and a painful, horrible punishment. We know there is sadness in loss, but there can be great joy and growth as well. The road to great things is not always pleasant. There are challenges of course. What allows some to face these with beauty is trust. Trust that something fabulous will be around the corner. We always will guide you to that joy, it is your free will that blocks our gifts to you.
Sometimes we must put bumps in the road or speed bumps as your Nonnie (grandma) called them. This is often in the form of an illness, an injury, an event that slows you down. What we want in that case if your to allow your self time, to read that book, or accept love in the form of care taking. Allow others to love you, feel the love, look within. That neighbor that appears cranky seems less angry when they bring you a meal. Your spouse who seems to never help is suddenly capable of bringing you hot soup. Look at every situation as an opportunity to experience joy and love. ALWAYS!
I do want to say that we do not cause children to hit bumps in the road. They are beautiful lights and anything they experience is often preplanned and for the benefit of their parent or a loved one. Like a child with cancer, or a disability. This is a gift of love. What is most important is to accept help, allow a friend to care take while you enjoy an hour of me time. Allow others to show their love and friendship. There is much joy, you just have to look for it.
Even those that appear evil and full of darkness have the ability to choose love. Fear of not being strong, fear of failure is what leads them to negative actions. They want to prove to themselves that they are not weak, not doubtful so they lash out and act in selfish ways...when if they only chose to arm themselves with love instead of weapons they would find they are strong and full of love.
You have chosen love, you have forged on and believed. Trust that we will always guide you and be there for you. Trust that even the path that seems scary will have a bright light and open arms of love waiting for you.
You have asked several times for us to lead you to your work, this is your work, do what comes in your path. Jason asked your this question for a reason, share your insight.
we love you, all of us!
so there you have it...and thank you for asking."
***
On a personal note, Nikki had this to say herself:
"I have on several occasions wondered how or why or what it is that has given our family strength. Mostly I think we came into this life with a knowing, a special gift, a planned sense of love. It's been said that in each incarnation we quickly get to the point that we were in the past life. Meaning we do not continue to repeat the lessons already learned. As an only child I dreamed of being a part of a big family. My experience of being an "only" was fabulous. Despite being middle class/lower middle class i was given a lot of opportunities. Dance, piano, lots of loving family, grandparents, 4 female cousins close in age who lived up the street. I knew as I experienced life what kind of mom I wanted to be. Do all young women do that? I don't know.
I wanted a loving, happy, close family. Do we get what we want? Or do we want what we plan? I met a guy who had the same dream, months later we were engaged, months after that we were expecting our first. From there is was nothing but joy and the fulfillment of my dream. Sure there were miscarriages and a still birth, but the love and joy of having 4 kids and being able to do things as a family was pure happiness.
My children rarely fought with each, sure there were the heated play station challenges that ended up in someone throwing a controller or a shove here or there. But mostly they got along and laughed... a LOT. I often said, my greatest accomplishment was having and raising them, however I knew it was not about parenting, it was a lot of love and lot of fate. We were blessed.
So when Eric suddenly took his life, there was NO GUILT. Once again we were lucky. So many have attempted to fix, or help. We were never given that opportunity, yet we knew he knew he was loved. Even the other kids immediately said, well, this cant be about "US" we all loved him and he knew that.
I went thru the stages of grief like most, but very early on I wanted contact or a sign. I had read too many books over the years (more planning) that lead me to believe this was possible. I was determined. Even if it was crazy I wanted something to focus on, I wanted that little bit of hope that Eric and I could continue to love each other as parent/child and be there for each other.
I was lucky in that my father had passed 8 years earlier and I very much believed he visited me on my daily runs via manifestation of a cardinal bird. it sounds made up (Eric used to make fun of me and my bird stories) but if you would be there you would be amazed. It chirps in a talking tone, it flies WITH me and it shows up continually and almost on command. I was hopeful eric would join him or something would manifest so that I knew my baby was OK."
June 09, 2012
The other day I asked my mentors, Linda and Z if they could offer any information or words of advice on life reviews from a metaphysical approach. Here is what they shared:
"End life reviews can and often lead to what is called the dark night of the soul. This can occur during life, right before the moment of transition or shortly after death or at the time of personal review in Spirit. It can become a terrifying experience because not only must you wrestle with issues that are brought before you but you are bound by the absence of time to change, alter, or correct those issues except only in the confines of your mind and to only make amends where and when it is possible.
Warning signs can appear as archetypes, symbols and metaphors that will show up in your dreams as well as in your wake state. The point is that when something significant rises up into your conscious awareness from your subconscious it is there for a reason. It might show up in a way that repeats it self. There often is an underlying reason that your subconscious has set them up into your awareness. It is for the sake of mental and emotional clearing. So rather than suppressing it, allow whatever is surfacing the time it needs to be resolved, otherwise, it will continue to rise up and it will take on many different forms, i.e. behavioral, denial, etc., until you finally resolve it.
As you work through the mental and emotional aspects of the issue(s) it can feel as though you are having a dark night of the soul - and it will be relative to the degree of difficulty getting through it. But it is by far more advantageous to work these things out now than to be faced with them at the hour of death when there isn't much you can do to alter or change any unresolved issues. Even though you will surely have the opportunity to reflect on the events of your physical life afterwords, anything left unresolved or not adequately learned might just be sufficient enough to be the cause of another incarnation where the same or similar events will occur affording you another opportunity to work it out again. The Buddha taught explicitly how to avoid the ongoing wheel of birth and death in this physical realm. The sooner you can work out the kind of karmic issues that require a physical existence, the sooner you can advance on a spiritual level so that any future physical endeavors are more favorable experiences or are even unnecessary, as I am sure Erik can attest to, being on the other side of physicality.
The kind of dark night of the soul experience you have while in the living depends on the issues you need to work out. Nonetheless, although it can feel like hell going through it, the alleviation of those pressing-down-on-you issues will feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off your shoulders.
The metaphysical principle here is to remember that nothing ever happens by chance but that everything in life is the unfolding of a continuous series of causes and effects and each of them has their place of importance whether now or later in life, or even during life review and planning. It's up to you. The degree of their importance is not something that can be predicted because sometimes these situations do not become apparent until much later in life or even until the afterlife.
It becomes more about the difference in how you see certain situations now as compared to how you may view them later in life and even as opposed to how you viewed them in the past. If such a situation becomes a matter of importance to you at any point along the path of your life, do not disregard it because it is the psyche's way of letting you know that this matter still needs to be resolved. Other things that have little or no relevance will just fall off the radar. Some situations are sufficient enough to carry their own energy in that they will nag at you."
June 07, 2012
I am currently reading this book:
Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born
by Robert Schwartz
Permalink: http://amzn.com/0977679462
It is an extremely powerful important book. If you were going to read one book this year, I'd recommend it. I'd recommend concentrating on the individual's personal stories and just let yourself see how it feels to you. It seems like every paragraph or story uncovers memories, not just of past experiences but emotional insights. All this time i thought i was here to experience all forms of fear, learn to love myself, and learn how to communicate with spirit, and then share it all.
Now i remember thats just part of the illusion of why iam here. Because of Robert's books, I've learned some of the real reasons I am here.I am here. Iam here to love with fearlessness, iam here to express my love with love i create, and iam here to share the spirituality of my love, through my love and interest in spiritual communication. Iam here to share what help i can give to engender the same in others. It is not all iam by any means, but iam also here to play with those creative facets as well. I think it has been my hope to balance what i can so that while healing i can be in a spot to learn and help.
Its interesting. I too can sense a need or sense previous needs from the past to heal issues of self forgiveness, and self punishment. As i read ive had flashes of visions, burst of emotions i recognize and remember, physical and emotional rememberings and knowings.
On another note. I have a very busy rest of the week. At my job we are going through massive reorganization and have a lot of work to get through. At home, I still working on landscaping, but I am on the tail end of it. As well, I have a family wedding to attend.
June 04, 2012
I am wooped. I worked really hard in the garden all weekend and didn't sleep hardly at all.
I stayed up late reading that Schwartz book, then Eric et all, listened to me spaz out every half hour till 2 or 3... .. about the book contents, about angel junk, about life, about whiny baby complaining life stuff. etc. I will say though, they (mostly Eric from what I could tell..) hung out most of the time, I am sure he was playing cards or something and then kick me every time I got too loud... lol... But it was interesting.... I didn't get the answers I wanted, but I did get a couple of interesting tid bits.... knocks on the dryer, footsteps on the carpet, face, hand and arm buzzes that got so intense I had to ask them/ him to stop because it became uncomfortable. Angel said, that "they" frequently help enable communication by and I quote the symbol of: "we hold Erics hand and yours in ours as you stand within our energy to communicate". I also asked where the heck "they" were when mediums et al communicate with guides, family and others in spirit, where "they" were when we beat our selves up and life hits the fan. And I was told, "We hold you as you experience life and surround the connection between it and your soul." I asked if they are privy to everything we say, think and do. And "they" said, "We stand with you". Then I asked if Eric and Lydia and Erik were also privy to all that, and was told, yes, when focused. Which I suppose is yes all the time, because I seem to think, eat, sleep them 24/7.... Eric also made it bluntly, plainly, and repeatedly clear he wasn't going any where, and reminded me of what he and they have talked about before. About how it's not their job to manifest to provide us assurance and comfort, but when I don't get what I want, it's my job to refocus. Cause my life is not about him or them materializing to entertain, keep me company and kiss my boo boos when Iam hurt or pissed, my life is about living it... (lol)....
I dunno... I am not sure what exactly set me off last night.... I think it was that book. Parts of it really jazz me up, parts of it annoy me, and parts of it make me scared and worried, it's hard to explain. But last night I felt like I was totally loonie! I am sure you all reading this are thinking, what the heck? Basically I was complaining that my angel et al,. doesn't manifest like I want when I want on demand... lol.... ha ha.... See I told you I was spazing... You may think that's funny for a guy that chats with the deceased, but for someone who frequently see's them in vision wether I want to or not, to have a spirit who insists on verbal only or fuzzy colored lights and not when I want it.... yeah... right... I know...
June 03, 2012
Random Musings:
What love as human can we explore that as in spirit we do not. For if all is possible upon degree of awareness, should not all be visible and understood upon gaze. No its not that what can be known is never understood, but rather what expression of the perception can be created as a symbol of that recognition of such understanding. I think therefore i am. I am therefore i not only think but i create all possible versions of myself by exploring their potential for the same. And so what is crested becomes the creators which create a reality in harmony with all that is. And so what may be possible becomes probable and never ends.
*****
And so I look around me at hail and ill, at young old, and those middling years and long does it seem that life may be. For I can not imagine, not with my mind, not with the squeezing gut feeling that such life is fleeting, that i oft wonder, am I any different from whenst I was born. I do not feel any different, except perhaps in a certain understanding of personal experience, I still feel the boy of 16 and the man of 30. And so, I question others labels, words, and evolution and rather tend to reflect on my own perceptions of self in my own experience. And for that, I retain and hold that the self is never discovered, found or created, it is but remembered through questioning experience and so I am now more of who I always was, and in each moment I am experiencing and understanding more of me. I suppose at some point my spirit, so united in soul, will feel and flex not with understanding of all I am, but shall understand it as well. Dare I say I am feeling my way through this process and so my awareness expands as I question each moment of experience. I suppose,...I'll tell you this though, through it all, even when I know not what to question or find questions beyond such feeling as I am able, it is and has been my joy to know and share the love of those souls I know. I find great comfort in what little bits I can sense of them. And though I often worry over my attachment to these experiences, I do regret it for an instant
June 02, 2012
Nikki passed along this content from another blog: I thought I'd pass it along. I found it interesting:
Life Review:
Often, it is asked if there is any benefit to training your physical mind to conducting a 'life review' now and then while in the physical realm instead of waiting until the 'life review' (some call this an individual's 'judgement day') after the transition from physical to non-physical.
The life review is fact ... all souls DO experience that each and every time it transitions from non-physical or that lifetime's 'death'.
In the non-physical realm (some call this 'Heaven') there is not the contrast that can be found, here, on the earth plane. The earthly experience is the fast-track to evolve the individual spirit; the classroom, if I may ...
Since all spirits have this life review (each, privately ... only to review their general experience in the physical to assess how they may improve their NEXT earthly visit. There is NO RIGHT or WRONG or meting out of punishment ... the life review is only used as a indication or tool) does it not stand to reason that each should strive to choose wisely and evolve in a spiritual manner as best they can while in the physical?
Again, keeping tabs on the way you conduct your life is not to ward off the possibility of hell or damnation ... it is to advance the evolution of your spiritual nature.
Each soul leaves each lifetime with a certain level of consciousness and then transitions into the non-physical realm WITH that very awareness. Striving to enter each lifetime with the goal of spiritually evolving at a fast rate (mind you, merely competing with yourself and your previous life experiences) and then leaving this earth WITH that understanding is of the highest intention.
So ... yes, absolutely, it would be beneficial to take little 'reviews' of the progress that is being made in this life experience. Once the being understands this process, the reviews will be embedded in each and every choice that is made.
http://www.souls-r-we.com/Ezra.html
*******
Nikki also encouraged me to read some more of the book:
Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born by Robert Schwartz
Permalink: http://amzn.com/0977679462
She found this passage helpful: "Emotionally powerful experiences, particularly when they occur in the tender and impressionable years of our youth or when they cannot be sidestepped by free will decisions, are reliable indicators of the souls intent. "
June 01, 2012
Nikki and I did a little bit of back and forth channeling with each other and her Angel Elle and her son Eric today via email.
I was kind of in an introspective mood this morning and I asked her,
"Say, I've got a question I am curious about, If you ever have a rainy day I'd be interested in your thoughts on it. Or if during meditation or whatever if Elle has something to say... or Eric or ?
I was thinking about the topic of end of life reviews, and what I've read about in regards to that, as well as the nature of personal evaluation, perception, judgement, etc. of our incarnational experiences both on a singular most recent life perspective and with the perspective after regaining awareness of all previous lives and connection with the higher self. That said, I am curious in general; How souls tend to process or evaluate or even weigh / judge missed opportunity of experience. Metaphysically on a soul level or in the course of evaluating experience. Does missed opportunity or opportunity not taken carry the same weight as intentional hurt to one's self and / or others? Even should that opportunity not be understood, fully revealed or seen. For example, if upon looking back on a life if one see's where one could have possibly helped someone, but I chose not to out of fear, intimidation, anxiety, or some other discomfort. Is something like that significant, or is it only significant depending on how much energy and focus we give it. Or is it totally irrelevant to an incarnation's perspective simply because the bigger picture is not available yet. That said, what would be a beneficial way to think about the this sort of thing from a metaphysical perspective? "
She hooked up with her own Spirit team and came back with this message:
"Our Soul review (it is more of a Soul review than a life review) is for the benefit of seeing our Soul's growth. It is factual not fault finding. Considering the fact that this happens after we transition we can do not dwell on anything conscious. We are well aware that what we are seeing is as an incarnate. What does matter is the repititious pattern of growth opportunity and how we chose to handle those situations. There is no wrong. We may come to realize that we are content with the outcome as it stands. We are perfect. In most cases if there is an opportunity for MORE growth and we see that, this leads to areas of concentration for prebirth planning when we chose to reincarnate. The Soul review takes into consideration ALL lives and our evolvement. One single incident (refusing to help) would not be dwelled upon unless it is a repeat pattern. Even then it would be in the context of the that Soul's plan and all those connected to it. What we see as "failure" as an incarnate may be nothing more than a planned event/duality road block in the eyes of the soul. The Soul knows what path it is on, our higher self is constantly putting the choices before us. Choose what feel like love, joy and light. You are perfect."
I then replied with,
(this really takes some of the worry away!) (I'd like to hear more about these repetitive patterns and it's variation)
They said that there is no real wrong.... (SO does this mean that we as an incarnate, should feel free to feel OK with our choices even should they seem to go against what we think we should or shouldn't do? ie. if I decide no I am not going to do that even if it might be helpful or in my best intrest, that me saying no is OK and so I can not feel guilt over it....)
They said,
We may come to realize that we are content with the outcome as it stands. We are perfect. (So is this fear of not being perfect or fear of future desire to be perfect or fear of future discovery that we are not perfect?)
They said,
"In most cases if there is an opportunity for MORE growth and we see that, "
(I wonder, If that MORE is not chosen, in multiple lives, does the soul keep at it, or is it dropped and on to something else?)
(Do you think people like me, have a fear of patterns?)
They said,
"Even then it would be in the context of the that Soul's plan and all those connected to it. What we see as "failure" as an incarnate may be nothing more than a planned event/duality road block in the eyes of the soul."
(then this is for the purpose of....pattern recognition?or highlighting aspects of the self for attention?)
I guess what brings all this up for me of late is on occation, I've felt guilt for not helping someone, either out of fear, or not wanting to get involved. Or feeling like it would expose or make me too uncomfortable. And then when contact with that person passes, or the moment of opportunity passes and it makes the chance improbable or inapropriate... then I was thinking... oh, darn... well, maybe I should have chosen differntly.. then I wondered if in the future I'd be troubled over it more than I am now.... cause you know how I like to cry and shit.. and so I guess I was wondering if souls in that situation then feel or then have karma or some responsibility to those from that missed oportunity to have a repeat situation. And, or if it all even matters...I can explain on the phone sometime
She then replied to me with:
"If I take a step back and look at what I have seen you face I see a major life plan of facing fear. So not helping is once again about facing the fear of expectations as opposed to doing what you want. Over and over and over again you are faced with a fear issue. THAT in my opinion is what your soul wants to get a handle on. There is no need for fear. It all ends up perfect. It is perfect. Even if you choose to be afraid, then that was what your soul felt this life should be about. I thik a number of us have told that you cannot help anyone else until you help yourself. You are constantly faced with that choice. Help yourself or help others. Fear is the theme, When I look back on my theme of worry, i see that no matter what I did worry was undermining my every effort to change things. There is no need for worry or fear once you realize the outcome is always perfect.
Like this morning. Nonnie (grandma--deceased) was all excited. I hit another milestone. She was telling me how awesome it was to watch me hit road block after road block. Stop. look around and then decide to move on. She said even if I stayed at the road block. in the end I would find out it was nothing to worry about. It was just a rest stop disguised as a road block. So I could remind myself to take a look and decide for myself. We have to concentrate on our journey. Once we figure out OUR journey others benefit and the helping is automatic. We help by living as example. I think you do amazing work, I know you have much to share. But in my opinion. You have to overcome the fear of failure, the fear of expectaton first. And those little road blocks will pop up forever. You can choose to rest and look at them and move on or run away and start over. I am no expert. BUt I will say, belief in yourself is key. I know I AM capable I know I AM here to make me a better me. When I imagine Eric's life review I never ever see the suicide as something he dwells on. Rather it was a contract for ME! He took one for the laurie soul group and it was the plan.
LOL funny MJ Blame it on the Boogie just came on.
There is no blame. IT is all perfect, the only reason anyone ever has to forgive is if they placed blame. When we know our choices are the best we could do at the moment. We dont need to forgive. There is no one to blame. IT was our best effort. THat is how I would imagine we look at our life. Well...at moment X i did what I thought was best, all with the intent of being the best we can be, with no fear or worry, no ego or self centeredness. The growth is about choice and reliance on what we already know. "
Jason
to Nikki:
I find this email extremely helpful.
Blame it on the boogie is a hysterical!--- It's inside joke with me..and the boys!
I find this email more comforting that I can relate to you in writing
Nikki
to Jason:
im glad
oddly I was worried it would offend you.
Jason
to Nikki:
In my life review, I envision who ever is there with me, ..... every time I "start to" say the word, 'but' I envision who ever is with me shoving a cookie in my mouth to shut me up... giggle..
Nikki
to Jason:
the song "And the answer is YES!" just came on. I swear it plays when I need it, and that is way more often than it should be playing. lol
Jason
to Nikki
Yet another inside gag/joke with me and the boys... lol
I swear Erik (m) "Lives" for this shit....
(YES!!! --- from Erik m....).. lol giggle.
************************
Later on during the day, I channled this from her son
Q) (to Eric)
You miss this life?
Eric)
No way, the only pride I hold onto, is the love I was able to share with "all of you (family/friends)" and the love I am still a part of. So while I don't miss that life, I don't think there's anything to miss as I still feel like I am a part of it.
Jason)
Well, I am glad your a part of my life.
Eric)
See, that's what I am talking about. I am still able to take part and offer love. And what's great about that is that for me, it's more than just helping you and mom, it's about really engaging the hearts and minds of those I've loved and making a difference even if they aren't aware of me. I have something to give and hold up and share that, not just to the world but everything. No limits. Life in a body can feel like me me me, but from my view it's now us us us. That feels amazing. There's nothing to miss, no loss, I have more than is humanily possible to even imagine. And I am not just waiting for you, cause from my view, your already here. That's important. So many people, especially mediums have this ingrained cultural idea that' we move on and go somehwere to work out our further evolution. That's just seperation talk and pacifiying their inner worry. Couldn't be further wrong. Dead wrong if you wanna get phunny. It's not that we've gone anywhere, it's that humans focus has gone astray, there's lots of different focuses you can have, and when that focus goes silent or dark, it's not that we've gone anywhere, it's that the human needs to refocus, and that seeming fuzzy loss is just temporary.. It's like I've got night vision goggles on and I am watching my loved one stumble in the dark for the light. I could turn on the light, but they don't want us to, cause they are determined to turn on their own light if they can....Sometimes it's not even that they need help, it's that they need to stop, sit down and ask for help, or ask in a new way that readjusts their focus. So yeah, I don't miss anything, cause I have already what people might think they'd miss. It's you who miss, and that's just a temporary blip. Don't worry. Silence doesn't mean no, it mean refocus
June 01, 2012
We are not born to die, to live, nor even learn. We are born to create experience. Everything evolves from that.
June 01, 2012
Q)
How can we can and love, when we are hurt and tired? How do we keep trying to generate the motivation to keep at a positive attitude when there is such a longing and weariness inside?
A)
This is a question I've often asked myself in life. I don't think I dwell on it, but rather it's something that I seem to return to from time to time. I think it's just one of those commonalities that humans tend to go through living in a world of duality. I am not sure there is ever really an singular "right" answer other than the one we create for ourselves. I say this because I feel we are here to master ourselves through experience and in that journey, what we pass through is no guarantee that we will never encounter it again, but rather we simply master that type of experience and all we may be in that moment. So we always write, perform, and actualize the answer to every question we have.
A part of my own answer has been,
I feel in life, our limits regardless of origin or perception, can feel very real. But in really it's not that we are feeling those limits, but rather the feelings about those circumstances can feel overwhelming. This could be physical pain. It could be deep wounds of all types, it could be intense fears, or even doubt. Where I get into trouble is in the time and energy and focus I put into what is felt. And so these feelings become real things. Then I often drive myself into uncomfortable evaluation, introspection and judgement of how we feel. I move from trying to justify it, validation, and rejection of what we feel. I think the point has not been to prove this about how I or all of us feel but to simply acknowledge those feelings as valid regardless of their reality in my perception or others perception.
Ive asked myself, 'why don't you want to be here'?
- Because I am in pain
- Because I hurt
- Because I am lonely
- Because I want
- Because I don't want
- Because I can't
- Because I am
But through experience I've found that
I might suggest or remind myself, or instead write out:
- I hurt because, but I still have a lot to offer and learn
- I am in pain, but relieve will come at the right time
- Even through this, I can
- I may feel lonely, but that's OK, cause I have the ability to love
- I want to do what brings me joy
- I want to engage with activities I find joyful
- I wont begrudge what I don't want
- I will be grateful for that which shows me change
- Even though I can't seem to do, be, have, right now, I can do, be, have at the moment
- Even though I can't seem to do, be, have, right now, I can work on it
- I may not be what I think I was, but I am more, let's find out....
And so, for me life has often been about the eternal play called focus. Not only where will I focus, but how, how much, and where am I in that focus, and where am I focusing from. I know that even in the worst, most painful, unhappy moment, that it is just a temporary view, all I need to do is start the process of re-focus. Yes, re-focus. The universe is forever in motion and so am I. There is no way any view can fix anything, for there is nothing to really fix. It's just me adjusting focus. I know that for many that may seem very abstract and not very practical. That control of that focus seems beyond them or out of one's control. A slave to others focus or choice or actions. All I can say to that is, what I focus on doesn't have to define me, even though it often feels that way. What others focus on doesn't have to define me. I only carry a focus, it's not who I am. I am more.