January 2013
Remembering my friend Eric A:
This coming last weekend-week of the month is one of my best friends spiritual birthdays of a sort. My friend Eric's (nikki's son) transition anniversary.....
With this in mind I was par-oozing my blog archives and email records for entries of what I wrote last year around this time. And it brought to light, or reminded me, ..that a lot of my experiences of this past holiday season 2012 mirrored what I went through, felt, and experienced in 2011 around the same time. It sort of startled me actually. To stare at or look at in the face some of the same experiences I'd gone through and what' I'd gotten out of them, in 2011, I'd worked on in 2012. I guess a lot of what I go through in life is about me working with emotional themes until I beat them into submission or accept myself within them. In any case, rather than divulge all the sorted details of the past 4 months of my life I thought I'd share something I learned this past year as it still holds great truth for me.
Something Eric taught me:
How does one even approach an understanding of a thought.... A Thought that leads to self destruction.
The emotions pouring from heart felt beliefs... Build into a chain of mental associations that are focused with tight perspective; Spiraling out into a lost myriad of perceptions;...All tearing at how reality is understood. What in a moment, seems to be seen of the secret desires, the missed chances, and the hopeless lack of opportunity... what is seen, are not sparks of self lit light, but storm clouds of enfolding darkness. How then can we ever wonder how one can be lost, we have not felt the inner turmoils played on emotions heart strings. This music is not often one that can be shared.
For it's song is that of fear... Knowledge of this great secret is often chosen, It is sought in an effort for our souls to better understand who we are and who we are not, in the great and infinite All That IS. Through such emotional experiences we co-create a working knowledge of love that can not be had through knowing alone. These experiences while often full of torrential pain, can lead to the creation of love, light and growth not only in the soul's self expression, but in the souls family, soul group, and all who have come into contact with it.
It is for this reason, that there is hope after tragedy. It is for this reason that the opportunity for love is often greater after the dark of night. Such darkness often lets us see the sparks of light with each of us that might have gone UN-noticed before.
A light like Eric.
Like many lights, we don't often see ourselves clearly until we have stood in darkness. Sometimes we have to plan to walk through such darkness. We need to create it. So it was With Eric. Like many souls, he and those he loved wished to explore their understanding of self, the love they had inside themselves by creating a tragedy. But even with intensive pre-life planning such a creation needs an emotional trigger to create the event. It is processes like these that are so often hard to understand.
Why, oh why would a soul group deal with fear, death, loss, physical and emotional difficulties. Is such a thing normal? Is it average? We often feel like everyone around us, those with whom we are spiritually connected to is working on these types of issues. We get angry because we feel that we could should or would have been there for each other, if only we knew. We just KNOW that it didn't have to be this way. We are left feeling helpless, lost, and torn asunder. No matter how or who is involved suicide touches everyone. As birth is chosen, the choice of when and how to die is something intrinsic to the human experience no matter the method, means, or timing. In our society, we have been raised with certain labels, beliefs, and values when it comes to the end of life. As such how we see ourselves in this light can have a great impact on our experiences.
For the individual who takes their own life, such events whether planned or taken, is never simple or as black and white as it can seem to an outside observer. Very often for such action to be taken, emotional tapestries have to be woven, situations and circumstances are planned within likelihood's and likely to occur probabilities. An emotional trigger is created.
There are many types of triggers. There are many variations.
Some triggers deal with issues of self love, others deal with fear. Some are further explored through addictions, some are undertaken with various medical conditions and mental limitations. And some are brought about through inner Spiritual crisis.
In Eric's case, Like in many; Such triggers were clouded in self protection behaviors. Those nearest and dearest to him were blind sided and shocked with disbelief that such a thing could happen. To them, they only saw perfection. Happiness, success, and a future filled with endless opportunity. They were at a complete and utter loss to understand the reasons why such a thing happened. Many took it personally as a personal failure that they could not see a or the cause and help the situation. Which gave birth to agony, anger, and deep sadness. Through such it caused them to question the very nature of their reality, beliefs, values, and perceptions of who they were in this world. In a world where we are born to live, we often forget that part of that is that we are born to die. Just as birth gives us a huge tool set to explore the nature of our personal reality, so too does death.
Many of these tools are used by the survivors as emotional experience, and unrealized by many they are used by the departed both before death and after death, each with different perspectives. In Eric's case he and his loved ones planned this to help evolve the family, soul group and all of their loved ones each was connected to. Such new Spiritual perspective was a favor to not only each other, but everyone they came into contact with. It would and did allow for new opportunities for personal growth, insight, and understanding about who they were, are, and will be in such an experience. Not only that, but for what future opportunity such an experience would bring.
But such an experience is never easy. Not on the family, nor on the one undergoing the triggers to enable a suicide. Often the emotions that enable such action are hidden, and lied about in elaborate ruses. One of the reasons for this, is because of the deep love they hold to their family. They are fully aware of their family's perceptions. And to change those happy feelings and perceptions is the last thing they would want to do. They see it as a personal failure if they can not maintain the illusion of perfection for their loved ones. The thought of showing weakness, or disappointing them is looked at with an inner horror. They simply can not bring themselves to ask for help, feel that they need help, and they don't understand what is going on inside of themselves, let alone being able to talk about it.
In Eric's case one of the issues that created his inner emotional trigger was akin to a Spiritual crisis. After his passing, early on; He stated to another medium that he heard the "other side", voices, that he remembered too much. For a long time, neither I nor his mother knew exactly what this meant. As time progressed for us, and our friendship developed we were to discover that one of the major details of this was that he heard voices, and saw visions. For much of his life, he thought this was normal. Until over time, he realized that he was not like others. Religion, society and his knowledge in this body was not equipped to help him. They only saw a smiling happy boy. But as he grew they became more intense and his ability to make sense of it and who he was was hampered to such a degree that he thought he was broken, and beyond repair. One of the driving factors that took him to the edge was that he felt no one would or could understand him, and that he would never find anyone to accept and complete him.
We may ask ourselves, 'what on earth would such a thing feel like?' How exactly would he have felt. But for the teen experiencing such things, they say to themselves things like, " How do I save myself, when no religion can take away voices in my head. How do I ask for help? I don' t wanna be crazy. I am scared that I am haunted. No one here believes in this shit. Why cant I just get on with life? I can't make it stop. It hurts. I am so fucked, so broken. If anyone knew no one would want to be around me. I am a freak. They'd only pity me and try to make this go away. What is wrong with me. I can't let anyone know or think there is anything wrong", then panic sets in......
For example, At one point Eric's mother said to me, "great kid, a heart of gold, one you could trust with your deepest darkest secret. What a sweetie, and I totally get that now. It was all one sided. For as accepting as he was of everyone else, he feared being accepted for who he really was. Maybe his fears made him empathetic maybe it just was... I always think, what if...what if I had had more conversations, what if I had found you sooner and we could have gone thru this all three of us...but the what ifs were not in the plan. "
Eric Replied to us,
-- "But mom, I couldn't trust those I loved with mine. I was too afraid. I was afraid of who or what I was. What I didn't know, what I thought would never be right. I never realized I was right regardless of how I felt. To you I was right for just being me. Learning to be OK with oneself no matter what is a really big deal for people"
When such happens, their world spins down to focused hidden tunnel vision. And with singular determination and thought decisions are made on a spur of the moment basis. Often relying on their higher self's plans and control, the actions of the consciousness enter a type of altered state.
The great emotional roller coasters of life.
Whether you prefer old rickety wooden rides, or speeding bullets, or tilt-a-whirls, life can be a roller coaster. No doubt about it, it's all about the ride you get on. Some people don't like riding at all.... and some puke... and some scream with delight! I think the rush is all about the emotional experience. Alone or with others the ups and downs are can be the ride of a life time. But your ride doesn't always have to be fast and wild. Some of the best rides are on a slow Ferris wheel, or even on cable buckets that take in the entire park.
I've written about emotions and spiritual matters before. Quite a bit actually.
(See my articles and Q & A's)
None the less, I go through life's ups and downs just like everyone else. Around this most recent Thanksgiving- xmas (both in 2011 and again in 2012) I found myself having had a very odd series of personal emotional experiences. At the beginning of fall, I had the original intent to take a break from mediumship and spiritual community interaction for a couple of months. At the time I had felt somewhat burned out, or drained from what I felt was a mad dash or sprint through personal spiritual development over the past couple of years. At the time, I was feeling that it culminated in exhaustion at the very idea of being around anyone emotional. I know this sounds somewhat strange.
My personal history was that of an intensely emotional and spiritual child who turned into a cold hard atheist, in which I avoided any and all emotional entanglements for a good decade. Then to have a spiritual awakening and mad dash to return to the self, I found it quite difficult to manage it all. A gross generalization, but for the sake of explaining my seclusion the past couple of months, it will do.
So there was this emotional aspect of my being that I had been working on. As well, I was doing an intensive evaluation of what I wanted to do with all these Spiritual experiences. I've had a very broad range of them. A sampling if you will. And I was trying to see how each one tasted to see if I wanted more.... so to speak. This being my spiritual experiences.
Aside from this and because of this. I wanted to take a break from working with others and channeling. I felt I just needed to step away, recenter, reground myself and have some good ol' fashioned "me-time". Well, as I was soon to find out the 'gang' thought it was a perfect opportunity to work on my emotions.
So I worked on emotional and spiritual exploration through balance while trying not to go insane from mental self abuse. I am kidding, sort of. The 'spiritual vacation' started out great. Really mundane. I played video games on my new computer, read, hung out at home. I tend to have a lot of time off during the holidays, so I was just relaxing. After about a week of this I started to get ill. I had a cold, a couple of sinus infections and the most horrific allergies. All along my chronic and often intense physical pain that I typically experience. And when I don't feel well physically, My emotions go into a nose dive.
So then I started to have these really bizarre mood swings and emotions and thoughts. It almost felt like they were outside of me, or like I had two heads, not me. And they were really dark, depressing and well, just wrong. At first, for a while, I just felt this uncontrollable urge to ride out the emotions. I was sort of fascinated with their destructiveness. I know to anyone who is not acutely aware of the spiritual gift of empathy is going to have a hard time relating to what I am talking about, but it was almost as though I was feeling another person. I would see, hear, and feel this pain. Words, pictures and emotions. It felt like "I", but my awareness knew it wasn't me at all. Imagine a sound track, "I hate myself, I want to die" followed by visuals and emotions. It was like that. I wasn't scared as for some reason I didn't identify with it and I knew I would be fine, but I gotta tell you it was one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. And I do think it was metaphysical and spiritually related and not me going nuts. My life is very successful and I am very happy and content. This was well, weird.
All of this led to a few bouts of...or..... very bad episodes of depression, almost a non-functional breakdown if you will. I even lost a very close friend over it who called me crazy. It was one of those things where I literally felt I might just be going out of my mind, all the while being a major hater, to myself and everything else. One of those things that has multiple triggers, mostly reactive on my part mind you.. some of it spiritual related.... some of it family related......The kind of thing where I'd loose it for a couple days, and then take a week or two to come back,, only to then do it all over again. I finally snapped out of it Mid December, but have been spending the time since working things out; meanwhile drastically trying to avoid spiritual stuff, which for me, who can't ever turn it off....can be exhausting. I feel much much better and saner now, of the past couple weeks, than I've felt in a really really long time......So I worked with this for a while and my guides, and Angels all worked with me at examining these emotions and looking very closely at them and compared them to me, my perceptions, and beliefs. I had internalized all this and looked at it, but didn't really take the time to process it all quite yet. But as time passed; part of me came to the conclusion several scenarios.
1) This was me picking up spiritually on the emotions of those I've worked with who died in pain. It was an energetic empathic link brought about so that I could learn to understand and sympathize through compassion what they felt and thought. 2) It also help reconnect me to my own goals of working with emotions and fear so that I could learn to balance them and transform them into love. In the end I am glad that it happened because 99% of the people I work with or have worked with Spiritually are either dealing with emotional deaths or spiritual fear. only maybe 1% is general academic inquiry. So I do think I needed further insight into those emotions. How this was achieved? I feel that my guides and my higher self either tapped into those I interact with to channel their previous emotions into me, or they helped connect me to my own past fears and amplified them. Maybe both. 3) Past life pain from my own soul history 4) Other peoples reactions to my emotional reactions from life experience triggered issues I had not worked out.
All this fear... For those who have read my site or know me. You will know that one of my top goals for this life is to learn to balance emotional experience. Especially spiritual fear. There are others, such as self love issues and what not, but those are the biggies. I'd be selling myself short if I didn't tell you that dealing with one's own inner state is just as profound and serious as any paranormal or spiritual manifestation.
What I mean by that is I think or suspect, "I", like many people, are a big fan of the symbolism of the phoenix. That being, we let ourselves go up in flame so that we may create ourselves new from the ashes of our personal fire. I also think a lot of this fire happens outside of our conscious focus. I think what a lot of people forget is that we are more than a singular conscious focus, in a moment by moment time frame. I believe we live deep varied and vast plural existences on many levels. So in many instances we allow ourselves a certain amount of self destruction because it furthers the illusion of separations within a dualistic experience. How can I really understand despair and fear unless I totally surrender to it. I can't do that unless I ignore, forget, and turn from what is love and light. Some times this is just our ego, but other times I truly feel it's planned. Very often we dive head first into this self created resistance and forget to look back up at the bigger picture of who we are. It's like the rock in the stream of water.
We are like the rock. We are manifested on the physical plane. We can be the rock or we can view the rock. Or we can just exist among other rocks. But as turbulent waters rush and swirl around us, we can stay grounded to the earth and let the waters of life rush around and flow over us safely down stream. Or we can give into resistance and be washed away ourselves. If we do wash away are we washed away all at once? or do we feed what is down stream? Or do we let the waters of life carve us into new shapes? It all depends on how you see yourself.
I learned that there is no way to alleviate the pain you feel from your fear unless you do the hard work to actualize a change in your belief, or to dis-identify with another's belief.
You may think, OMGosh... That is crazy! This is just insane.... It's silly and a waste of time, Or you may say, This is too hard, it hurts to much or you may refocus on the fear instead of looking at the nature of your belief.
Oh yes, It is hard work. In fact such deep introspection is one of the prime purposes among others that people incarnate for. Life is not about winning an award, becoming famous, or leaving your mark in some physical way. Those can be effects of your work, but most often your work is all about understanding who you are. When you share who you are, then you create or manifest physical effects. Good and bad. It depends on your beliefs and emotions.
This perception of emotions is ever evolving. It is always shift in awareness, in who you are. It is not a one time event. Nor is it a one life time event, it is a step by step progression in how one feels, sees, understands one's self within and without all that is. And is best achieved over and over again with new perspective. So to embrace all that you are within a life time should not be feared as each inward look you take or make allows you to shift into being more of who you always have been.
We often resist this process as the feelings we go through hurt. We don't really desire to look the basic beliefs we carry that engendered these feelings. This is spiritual resistance.
Resistance is a harsh mistress. she nags, criticizes, judges, and worries all night, only to ignore you during the day. Really she's a lie. She is you, lying to yourself. It's about denying who you really are. She's the actress playing the role opposite of yourself. You can tune her out, but you'll hear this dull drone in the back ground that over time will just wear you down until your sick. Why don't you close the curtains, turn out the lights and end the show. No one said you have to stay around for the curtain call just because you went through all that pain of watching the show. Go run outside. Let go and raise your arms in freedom and shout to the world that this painful experience is not who you are. Go outside and fall in love with yourself, go be who you want to be. Let resistance be a story, not a life.
All these feelings are thoughts are the inner signals that stem from our spiritual bodies, our consciousness. They all manifest from our beliefs. We feel these inner manifestations as exterior phenomena and events as well as those from other people. Very often when we feel such things from other people we do not stop and examine ourselves in relation to it. We tend to accept these other emotions as our own labels, when in fact they are not, and have nothing to do with us. If we can but pause for a moment and ask ourselves if these feelings are us or not, we then acknowledge our free will, our choice to manifest our own lives as opposed to living others lives.
This introspection is the only real escape. Running away, diversion, subterfuge and sabotage will never work. To realize that the need to escape is but a self fulfilling prison in that there is no where to go other than through that which you create. The desire for release can never be fulfilled outside of the acceptance of self that you allow yourself to express.
What some would term peace is more about balance within experience.
You may find yourself unable to do anything but pray for help or unable to do anything. I have found that it is better to pray for the awareness to see opportunity to be oneself as opposed to self limiting labels of desire, belief, or unexplored feelings. Life's turmoil often comes from the impatience of not elevating mental focus to steady inner gaze long enough to choose if it is who you are. When effort and time is taken to really look at a thought, balance, suspension of belief occurs and full understanding through feeling is achieved. Then direction can be had, but it is not a movement into release or peace, but an absorption or dis-solvement through being who you are.
Your release will come from looking within at what the belief feels like. Acknowledge who you are in this reflection. Understand what you can and then replace what isn't you with the light of your soul. This will allow you to let go and grow. The expansion you feel is you reconnecting with all that is. All that you are and can be. It is a shift.
***
While in Spirit, or in dream. While on other planes, or this life; To move one's self, don't visualize a place, visualize yourself within a place. Don't visualize how to get there, as the between here and there, hasn't always been created yet. See yourself already there.
***
When life feels too much, Be at peace with doing less. When thoughts of the loss and unknown overwhelm, focus on one voice, and love yourself with it. Ignore doubt, Look fear in the face, cry for sadness while picking apart anger. But remember that one little voice and never let it go. Nothing else matters, but the little peace you allow yourself from the pieces of life. Everything else falls to the healing tides of memory.
***
Many times people will hear about life goals, plans, and purpose. They will be asked or ask of themselves on both sides of the veil. But know this. It is perfectly normal to take many lifetimes working on individual themes. Many times many themes are being lived various levels at the same time. There is no litness test other than what you choose. So don't worry. Just be happy. Do the best you can.
***
Morose moons of solitude,
lonely and wet winters ice,
holding me as my mind wanders aimless,
to tell you everything,
it rushes about with nothing but feeling
and a picture of you I cant remember.
***
Never listen to the criticisms of someone who's never walked in your shoes. Your perception of their judgement is never about you. It's a commentary on separation between what they think they know and their lack of personal experience. Take to heart what feels like you, and let the rest go. Surround yourself with those that reflect back to you, what feels like you. It's all a choice.
***
Untouched by hand
but worn with time,
love softly lingers.
Never seen,
always gently felt.
It fills unlike anything felt.
Fear hides naked
yet never seen.
Should I look,
what remains
is ever at hand.
White winters solitude
bringing snow's silence,
shouts with emotion.
Spring comes and hope fills the heart
should summer never die.
Dreams of endless autumn
never but for winters slumber.
Peace knows not of season
not reason nor want
But for gentle love
resting in hearts eternal solitude.
In my dream
hope rests forever
with visions of you
I feel eternal in your love
the reason for all season.
Face brilliantly warm
shines the sun,
cold wind blows.
One of the most heart wrenching things about suicide is that those who go have no one who loves them, to hold them as they pass. No one to whisper of love, longing, and loss, no one to walk the final mile with, to me it seems so lonely. I certainly don't begrudge their departure, but perhaps I feel offense that I couldn't share that experience with them. That final display of profession of love. There seems like in death, there could be such an opportunity for rawness of emotion. It seems such a shame to reject sharing of it on their deathbeds. Perhaps its not about want or desire or selfishness but its about blindness and vision, on everyones part. O' that we could see, passing in each others sight, eyes not on horizons, but on hearts.
***
I was mulling over a new year resolution...I was thinking I wanted to elaborate.
Ive often been my own biggest foe or hardship. Not health, circumstance, or mental state.
I think in the past I've been or was hard on myself off and on because of self esteem issues and ultimately poor judgement. Judging myself, and what i thought of others judgements, but then somewhere along the way it became a bad habbit. not only that. but a easy excuse. a lie id tell myself so instead of living, all my energy went to avoiding everything through fear. you know. they say. do a thing 7 times and it becomes a habbit. how does one overcome a lifetime of bad habbits, in a family full of bad habbits. maybe even lifetimes of it. even though my gut reaction is to give harsh judgements about myself. i am making the resolution to not react and instead make a habbit of not being fearful or judgy or mentally self abusive. instead of saying cant. wont. victim labels. or saying/thinking hateful fearful things about myself iam going to try and say something or think something afirming and loving. maybe i dont feel it at the time. but maybe after a while i'll form new habbits and then my gut reactions will be to live in love instead of hiding in fears. Then maybe it will rub off on others.
haha beats being a debby downer, crabby bitch, or depressed? fake it till u make it. the only monkey wrench is illness. cant let pain get me down?
***
Craziness is only as insane as the degree you let obsession of it rule what you do.
***
Feelings of detachment and not relating to anyone or anything is really a focusing issue. It's akin to the getting on a treadmill and pretending you can't stop because your not willing to set the speed, pace, or direction or get off onto a different path. This eventually will generate a worrisome paradox. Worry of lack, when you want, but are not willing to focus on it. To say you want nothing, desire nothing is not really a state of oneness or release to be sought after...... To be one with one's true self is quiet simply to recognize that you have always had everything you need to be you and to see yourself in all. This realization will generate a contentment and peace that is about abundance. This focus will generate more, so instead of detachment, you will find yourself engaging a natural unity within life.
***
I think belief and faith are two different things. You can believe in something and yet have little faith in it. I am not sure what I am trying to say about it other than I am trying to reconcile the two
***
I dream of being pain free. But I don't understand it. I cant fathom it. I am consumed by pain. The madness of my head is by far worse than the twisting of my joints.
***
Nothing worse than emotionally trying to own something that's not yours, your business, or about you or your responsibility.... And not owning what really is yours.
***
Life purpose ie's.:
Many life purposes are not individualistic to one life time, but on a soul level are cross life time explorations of emotional and experiential themes. The higher self in no way sees itself limited to one ego's view of life time, but the context is much broader. It's important to note that this doesn't limit the individuality of the incarnate or compassion it needs, but rather that the questions of "why" might not ever be able to be understood by the incarnate until life between lives perspective is re-gained.
For example, some of the more complex life themes could be such as:
--explore the nature of self within gender identification and self love, self judgement in contextual roles. A series of multiple lives and lifetimes exploring self made contexts.
--Violence in cross species
--Obligation, authority, dependency, relationship - ownership, emotional ownership, responsibility to personal integrity, soul group mix-mash, emotional attachments, personal and interpersonal judgement-evaluation-and criticism..... What a trip to think about. Sometimes life plans can be fare more ephemeral and complex than doing anything in particular.
***
There is No ownership in love, affection, and pleasure. There is only the joy of giving and the gratitude of receiving. The balance of sharing, unity and understanding with acceptance of what has not been experienced. Enjoyment without guilt comes not from release but from creation, expression of uniqueness.
Desire for flesh is often more about the false urgency to escape experience and opportunities into an altered state of illusionary ecstasy While not wrong, it' can be self deceiving and self defeating. Humankind often gets caught up in judgement of this process and succumbs to worry on how to prevent or escape it. In doing so, rather than seeking inner release of the cycles, it tries to defeat it, by forcing that which is outside of itself. The chaos of the darker emotions generate more of themselves, where as the harmony of the lighter emotions generate balanced energy that ceases to become cycling. Thereby allowing new forms of energy to be created.
***
Waiting for something you don't want is like beating your head on the floor and then complaining it hurts. Resistance is hard, creating your own resistance is just dumb.
***
I see myself reflected in the glass I smashed, the broken jagged tinkling shards, dripping with freshly spilled red. Sobbing, I cry that I have no tape to fix this mess. Only then, am I able to look up and see not a lost window, but feel the wind of freedom blowing against my face, as in the distance you wait for me to step out of my glass house.
***
Cover your ears ( personal journal - opinion --- complaining session)
A good friend of mine the other day in jest mentioned to me that she thinks's it's funny how sometimes I don't believe the things I write or channel....She brings up a good point..... it's not the first time that's been noticed. My buddy Nikki has often commented (with frustrations I am sure), that she is amazed how I can have doubts or get such periodic poor attitudes after all the affirmation, validation and things I've experienced..... My reaction is never really about any of that... I not expressing regrets or 'real' concern with proof or anything along those lines.... I am trying to stay true to the reason I created this journal. And that would be to give myself an outlet for my emotions, and thoughts about these sorts of experiences and life in general. I am having a human experience after all....
That said.......
Everyone who reads about or has experiences with the other side has things that make them uncomfortable, fearful, or worried. I think it comes from attachment to this seeming physical reality we are interacting with. Sometimes they can seem quite silly, embarrassing, or even questionable, doubtful. Shoot.... Even for me, there are lots of topics that bother me. Some of it to me feels quite crazy. For example; The idea of a non-physical energy form really bugs me. To my present form, it seems like it would quite dis-satisfying. I imagine myself as some foggy, floating blob of light and I am unequivocally unimpressed and annoyed. To me it sort of feels like nothing I can identify with or feel attachment for. Nothing to love, feel, like or touch. I think part of that stems from, those I've know who have died, those I've not known, but now know as Spirit..... I 'wished' I could have known them as an adult. I would have liked to have been able to known them in the flesh so to speak, and yet, I can't... and for that matter due to limitations of perceptions....seemingly can't know them know in a way I'd prefer. So the idea that all I have to look forward to is a blob of floating fog or light.... well.... it seems somewhat disappointing to me..... Now I know that many spirits say this perception is simply one perception of many. A manifestation of choice. That if you choose you can form a more physical seeming body, and interact in a more comforting way... but still.... I don't know... It bothers me.
I guess it also stems from my dis-satisfaction with what dreams, lucid dreams, OBE's, Astral travel and visionary experiences I've had, including clairvoyance. I guess I don't find "the dreamlike" quality as real, as physical, as clear, and tangible as day to day perception. I am bothered with this thought that when I die, my perception will only be like those dream like murky, or fuzzy experiences. Fleeting, ephemeral, and confusing experiences. Of course this feeling conflicts with everything I've read and been told by Spirit, etc... but still it's there...
Another thing that I struggle with is accepting, trusting, and feeling comfortable with anyone's (including my own) filters or perceptions or reception of Spirit communication. To be honest I trust them AND Spirit for that matter about as far as I could throw them. That goes for my own guides. I was just thinking last night in fact that while I know my guides can be loving I am not sure I trust them to keep me safe up to a point, I don't really have much faith in them where I feel comfortable. I can honestly say that there are only two Spirits I feel safe, comfortable with and unconditionally trust. And they are not my guides. Although I will say I don't know nor do I understand any spirits motives. I would never assume to either. Now I know what many would think.... That this is all just so sad and pathetic or I am really bonkers...... That's fine.. What I am trying to do here beside write a journal.... is to simply say...... what I feel -- others feel, and I think it's normal to feel. I think the divergence between physicality and energetic life engenders this sort of thing.
Another thing I fear is that in the end, it will become clear that everything I've experienced should be that I was/ am actually insane, schizophrenic, and delusion. I don't think I fear anything religious-as I rejected that aspect or beliefs long long ago with certain self assurance. On a related note even though I am well versed in many theories, explanations, and understandings, I still to this day am sort of not quite amazed but weirded out and bewildered as to why this stuff happened to me. I don't understand why I'd have such involvement with long distance friends I've never met all my life. Nor to I get why these experiences would seem to turn into obsessions or involve dead teenagers and their mothers. Why not my grandparents. Why only hear from them years and years after their death, when even from the beginning it was these dead people I never met.... I don' t get it... I think it sucks. It sort of makes me feel even more abandoned by my so called incarnate family or like a super freak. At the very least a whiny bitch...(yeah.... I know....This is a journal after-all...)
I still think a lot of what I've experienced is unfair. This present personality would never have asked for it. I mean the spirit junk, not hardships, pain or physical or money problems... I am ok with those. But a lot of this spirit stuff feels like I was violated, abused, even raped, or a made test subject or teaching tool for others. And not of my choice. Done to me. Now don't get me wrong.... I KNOW it's not true..... I am talking about what it felt like, what it feels like. I remember once early on a medium once told me that I drew all those negative experiences to me......That somehow my aura was murky dark, that I was somehow broken or dark. That I was emotionally repressed and my life negative or bad..... I emphatically disagree. To this day I deny that. I feel I was in a very very good spot before Erik died. My life had never been better. I was doing well financially, in a good relationship, and mended my family relations. Work was good, Life was good, and I was a good person who was enjoying life. I'll tell you what I think. His comments were given to him to generate fear in me.....I think pre-life I simply wanted to experience myself, remembering my loving self through experiences of spiritual and emotional fear. I remember my disincarnate grandmother once saying how upset she was that "they" generated so much fear in my life...... And I think "they" did this to me so that I'd have those experiences. And even if I don't quite have it right.. and even if it was simply other aspects of myself..... and even though I think I pulled through it all just fine and learned a lot and am ok.... I still feel like that person I always was. I don't feel like some magically improved person or like it was all meant to be, or I am better off for it, or how I should be grateful for it. To be frank a lot of the time, I wish it would have never happened, and part of me still wants to taste lingering resentment to "them". So while to the casual reader, none of this will make any sense, but to those who've read all my journals.... you can understand what I am feeling, and why I find it so difficult to trust the other side. Their motives are unknowable, simply for no other reason our life plans can't be fully understood or realized until we are gone. Sometimes I think I would give anything if I could forget the past 6 years. It's hard. It all makes me mad and feel crazy. I feel crazy and uncomfortable when I allow myself to be open enough to receive communication, and I feel that way when I close myself off or shut it down, and I feel that way when I look back and look forward. The only time I feel normal is when I focus in the now moments doing something joyful.. And believe me... easier said than done. Especially when one throws in all the physical pain from ailments and conditions like I have. It's like being bombarded from all sides, within and without 24/7.
Lastly I guess I wanted to complain some more about my interpersonal relationships with the disnincarnate. I hate the way I physically and mentally feel when I allow myself open enough to communicate on the level I'd like. And I hate the one lopsidedness of it all. I hate sorting through filters. So on the one hand I get upset cause it feels like they abandon me, and on the other I know in a large part its because I feel like I can't or dont' want to be open more to perhaps experience more.
Sigh........ I just want to be done with it all. I loathe dealing with other peoples emotions, beliefs, perceptions, and attachments when it comes to spirit communication. On both sides of the veil, as well as the sitter, and my own. All that engenders separation feelings and resentments and feelings of loss. And I don't like that either. I have a good life. Despite the physical ailments. Aside from this spirit / mental junk, it's a happy mostly well adjusted balanced life. But I have to say, even after everything I've experienced, everything I've channeled, and everything I've learned and written... at the end of the day.... I am weary. I would really like to be done. This 6-10 month rest or break from active mediumship and facilitation has been very needed and nice. But I am not sure I ever want to go back. I still feel like I didn't choose any of it. "I" of the "me, myself and I" would have NEVER chose it. There is bliss in ignorance. I'd like to say I want to let it all go and have a happy rest of my life. While I was in the throws of it, I used to think I just wanted escape from life, but really I never felt that way before Erik, and outside of this spirit junk I don't really feel that way either. I can honestly say I don't think its me, for me, or something that even interests me. I got into it, not because I wanted to but because I thought I had to. Then it turned into a false sense of obligation.
In the end, I have to return to me. What feels like my joy. My love, my happiness. I can't live for others, I can't fix anyone. I can't only heal me by facing my fears. By letting go of everything that is not me and just find comfort in being me. Not in trying to be a better me, or looking for who I am, but by looking at my reflection, looking at the man in the mirror and then be the me I want to be.
***
On Melancholy Remembering
As time moves,
my vision of self shimmers.
Forever memories,
in motion carried moments,
that seemed so tentative.
In among what was once considered truth,
doubt slides across landscapes
of fond comfort.
Easy to imagine what was,
never was.
Easy to see what is,
never quite imagined.
More often than not,
it's easy to obsess over doubt.
Like a former addict with a fetish,
my mind longs for release
from what I cannot but help
to look back at.
Was it real,
why so what,
does it matter;
or was it all mass delusion,
mutual wish fulfillment
and schizo-affective disorders
stemming from misguided psyches?
I'll be the first to admit crazy.
Yet, not a day goes by
where I don't think on these two boys
and the past.
What madness in them,
who I've never met,
so, so, grips me
that at times I've felt
utterly lost in their shadows?