Unhappiness with past memories

Unhappiness with past memories

If your like me, you are haunted by many memories. People, places, and things you have done and haven't done. Some of it, I've had a tendency to view it as "mine" in such a way that the absence of it, due to a perception of time, change, and current reality has somehow taken the memory or association away from me. Or that what I think I desire is something I can't have. Or I think I should have it in a certain way. This is especially true with memories as it pertains to people and my experiences with them.

I need to get over it, and just focus on what I do have, not what I don't have. Don't worry.

I've been going through a lot of personal introspection lately. A lot of self examination. Much of it relates to overcoming or re-examining personal fears. Seeing myself in new light. On thing I've been examining is my relationships since reconnecting with Erik. Now, I know-this is very unusual; but, I've been thinking about not only people here on Earth, but in Spirit and 'past lives' as well.

The reason for examining this odd mix of inter-personal relationships, is the feelings they brought up in me in relation to my fears and feelings from the past carrying over and bleeding into this new life. And for despite having a big family, successful life, and well, an awesome life... My connection to these new people in life and spirit is on a much deeper spiritual level than anything I've ever experienced before. And much of it involves remembrance of past lives. This added element contains a level of intensity and emotion, that I've been unsure what to do with. So I let it sit there in amongst my fears and fester.

Your probably wondering, "what the heck". Well, to be frank with you, I am not sure I understand all the ramifications and context either. I am wading through it as I type.

Here is an example. There are several people with who I've shared deep intense past life visions. Clairvoyant emotional experience. They came about in semi-altered states of awareness that were waking dreams more real than real. It was like living within an unfolding technicolor movie. Since that time the feelings and identification with those memories have for me, colored my present life relationships with them.This mixed with my current, or recent present life fears. Which created an ugly often obsessed about mix. So I then projected fears of separation, rejection, love, etc., you name it- I thought it. And While I didn't generally tell them of any of this, I did dance around the feelings with them. Perceptions, expectations became skewed. And I allowed myself to withdraw and imagine self doubt and hurt. In some ways, this lead to a sort of furtive secret possessiveness over my perceived past life memories when compared with current relationships. I desired to have what I thought I may have had in the past. I resented not having what I didn't fully know about or even understand. I just had these confusing feelings to deal with. (which on an aside point, is why higher level spirit does not allow us past life memory unless it serves a spiritual purpose).

So as I was saying, I'd developed this false sense of possessiveness of something that was totally illusionary and poorly understood and carried it across into this life. I perceived this false sense of ownership with these people, ownership of memories, and felt on a certain level that I was now separated from who they used to be, who they were. Separated from my own past. Separated by my inability to reconnect with everything I've ever been. ie. I resented not been fully in harmony with my higher self. I resented not having access to everything I've ever been. An Ego explosion of the most bizarre type I know. I know most people wont get this at all. But as this is my journal, I am putting it in here.

So I'd been dealing with these uncomfortable feelings and was generally aware that this was not who I was nor who I wanted to be.

So I sought out help and was guided to help from my Spiritual Teacher and guide, Meher Baba. Here is what I learned.

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"Possessiveness is not a true Higher Spiritual trait. What truly belongs to you is your intent to express your capacity for sharing selfless love. When we recognize another person as one with ourselves, they cease to become attached to an event or an experience. They then become viewed under the degree of your self attentions. To let go of expectation in inter-personal relationships as it pertains to ties of experienced events is to see one's self outside of the event. This will liberate the personal ego of possessiveness. So be it old friends, enemies, lovers, or past life experience, you will be able, through letting go, to look at all with equal feeling. For they do not belong to you, but they are you, joined in universal love, unity, and progression. To end such uncomfortable feelings requires an emotional balance. This balance comes from a sort of detachment and active working ponderence of personal understanding. The working to avoid any extreme of emotion is to traverse ill effects and consequences of undesired thought."

"Past life memory is clear, steady, and sure like present memory. Test the level of knowing, doubt, and 'realness' of the experience. How does it make you feel. This will be your measure of worth and purpose. As your consciousness is freed from the body you will reconnect with those aspects of your self that hold the most meaning. But do not put too much pressure on yourself. This will only happen when your are sufficiently developed to understand yourself within the experience and realize it's implications for your state of being. Knowing, and remembering in the way you have desired falls by the wayside of your present endeavors. Your journey is determined by the perception of now, not the past."

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So in light of my recent self exploration. I've come to the conclusion that in my relationships we are all equal. All on a journey to remember who we are in spite of and despite any experience. That what we gained through that experience is what forms our ideas about ourselves. That in reality we are eternal and there is no separation. For my friends are me, and I them. It is only when I actively consider them as I consider myself, that I can approach the unity that we are all deserving of. And it is only through that unity that can movement be made, hand in hand, through the ages to ever greater realities.

ps... ( *I am still working on myself in this regard. My curiosity and desire to discover, still leads me to explore past lives. I just have to remember to seek them for lessons).