If it can't be love - Figure out why

It it can't be Love ~ It's about 'The-why'

Some of you may have read the Channeling Erik website's entry for part 3 of Bob Marley's interview. In that transcript he (Bob) said,

"Yes, it’s about knowing how you feel. And if you cannot

give love to a person or a situation, it is your responsibility to be

authentic to yourself to know why you can’t. Dat’s de lesson inside of

you dat you do not like! Dat’s de lesson dat you often refuse to do.

You need to know why."

This really hit home for me in how I feel about my birth family. I often find myself drawn to focus on how these feelings. I seem to struggle with exploring, "Why I can't". Additionally the other day, Erik M., said, 'that a lot of the uncomfortable emotional feelings I have about two women, are really about me projecting what I feel about my own mother on them.'

I knew this, and told him I had thought so, but I was still taken somewhat aback at how this made me feel when confronted with it. I was back to "Why I can't" give my birth family the love, "I believe" they deserve or should have.....

I found myself looking at two variables. "I can't, and I believe".

I am not sure I was entertaining a very good idea or concept of what I believe a good parent-child relationship should be. Intellectually, I know how the belief systems of the structures in which I was raised. I know what society says, what the media says, and I know that I should treat my family in a way I would want to be treated. But I was continually running head to wall into "I can't because...."

Thought's ran through my head, "I believe because I can't?" Why can't I?

So I looked at my thoughts and I wonder if it's not so much that the phrase, "I can't" is that I am dealing with "I just just don't feel it"..... Then I thought, "Does that make me bad, wrong, or broken? or is 'I can't' because of who I perceive "their actions and beliefs" as being "about me".....

I found myself asking if I am mis-judging them because I am perceiving their issues in such a way I accepted them as my own.

If the actions, words, and feelings I have about them have nothing to do with me, other than how I agree to assign to myself; and who I am-Does not have to be their reflection in me. I asked myself... "So what now?" My "I believe" has changed, but can... my, "I can't" change? And do I want it to? Do I have what it takes to ignore or transform old beliefs and show my family the love I feel they deserve? Do I have the time, the energy? But, better yet, "Do I want to? And if I don't, what does that say about me?" Or does it simply mean that every life is a valid choice,although the results of the choice may not be in our best interest. Perhaps I am reneging on a Soul contract. Free will after all.... Although is this line of thought simply avoidance? I think I may be moving from "I can't to I don't want to".

I am then presented with figuring out, "why, I don't want to" and if I am OK with that.

I think part of this emotional tug-o-war is that I feel their personal life beliefs prevent me from sharing all of who I am with them. And if I can't share all of me, I find myself with the feeling of why bother. I really do value their personal convictions for I firmly think everyone is where they need to be on their own journey. I don't want to disrespect them. But at the same time, their beliefs are a life style I want no part of. It is so encompassing for them, that it seems to color every interaction I have with them. I find myself not having much in common. No shared passion, no shared values, no shared beliefs, etc... I know I am exaggerating, but the feelings are there.

I'll give you an example that frequently bothers me.

My mother who is a very devout, very vigilant, evangelical protestant believes that any and all spirit contact outside of prayer, 'their church' and the protestant bible is evil, wrong and a fast track to hell and damnation. At the same time, she desires to have frequent communication with me. She asks me for frequent contact and want to know about my life; And instead of saying, "I talk to dead folks and write about it all day long"-- I say nothing.. You may then ask, 'well, have you tried?" Yes, of course, I am almost 40. I've dealt with this off an on my entire life. It's not like Erik and the past two years are my only experiences.

So I am back to "I believe, and I can't". I guess I have this believe that people want to change me and I don't want to. I think this belief is misplace and I need to come to terms with that.

My mentors Linda and Z say that if I don't look closely at the underlying motivations to what I expect from myself and those I share life with I will never come to terms with understanding who I am in this experience.

Spirit is telling me that I can not change her reality as it is hers. I can only change how I see myself reacting to what is projected. That I do not have to express myself within it. And it is neither here nor there should I not wish to do so. But that if I do so, I will need to understand my own reality. I am told that there is no point in worrying about who I am in their world. And that there is no point in worrying about how she views her world. That the only thing I can change is how I see my world. And to come to terms with acceptance of this is what's left to me.

It's funny. My spouse keeps saying to me, "Get over it. She's your mother. She's the only mother you have in this life." I do see the point. How much I dwell on this is up to me. It's good to examine my emotions, but I really don't want this to rule my life or determine who I am.

Linda and Z said, that it's up to me to change the energy of my perceptions of experience. That I can free myself from the push-pull turmoil of disturbance. That I can work to find a comforting balance of who I am living next to others experiences. Life is often not just about living in others beliefs or accepting others beliefs, it's also about living with your own. Will your unexplored beliefs control or change you? If so, how, why, and who are you now? Another question is how much and how long do I want to spend on this? When will I let go of what is not love and simply seek to give what I will? It's never about moving on, but rather about understanding who I am. Ultimately I fear that my mother won't accept me, and that I can't accept her. I know I can't change anything but my feelings but I fear accepting myself while looking at her beliefs. So I am left with self acceptance. Can I be at peace with my own beliefs? Do they define me? If I look at myself with calm assurance I can come to terms with accepting my own perceptions of my experience, as opposed to anothers.

Later on Linda followed up with me saying, "the most significant expression of your feelings toward you family where you speak about the tug-o-war between the beliefs of your family and them accepting you for who you are - and there lies the dichotomy. You want them to accept you and they want you to accept them and no one appears to be willing to give. Since you can't change them their beliefs and what they are or are not willing to accept, all that remains is you making a choice to just be yourself in their presence and let them be themselves in your presence without anyone trying to change one another. This should make for a more peaceful relationship.

There are people in your circle of life that you can share things on a deeper level and there are those who erect psychic barriers. When the latter exists your only alternative is to not expect to open up to them on those deeper levels simply because they do not know how to interpret, assimilate and integrate what you might be disclosing to them, so they psychically shut themselves down.

Once you can accept this mindset or psychology you will no longer have to deal with all the emotions you feel toward them and toward yourself. "

Later one of my dearest friends, Niki had the following to say, "

I think we have similar mothers, your is caught up in religion and fear I don't know her so I cant say she is exactly like my mom. My mom is caught up in trying to feel loved, when in fact she does not love herself. She is insecure, has no self esteem, and is afraid of failure, full of self doubt etc. consequently she plays helpless, wants everyone do/decide everything for her and then when things go wrong she can blame THAT person as certainly she is not responsible as she is helpless. I don't know your story so much but I do know we are not responsible for anyone elses happiness, my mom looks to other to MAKE her happy. That is not how life works. We have to make our own happiness and accept what we believe as what is best for us.