Post date: Apr 27, 2017 11:35:53 PM
Interview with Dr. Barry Weinhold, Ph.D. by David Alan Binder
Side note to my Dear Readers and Dear Writers: This is my third phone interview. I am still adapting to that format but it definitely gives a more hands on and personal approach.
Bio from his website:
Dr. Barry Weinhold
· Professor Emeritus, Founder and Former Program Chair, Counseling and Human Services M.A. Program, University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. 1971-2001.
· Co-Founder, The Colorado Institute for Conflict Resolution and Creative Leadership, a 501 (c) 3 educational non profit organization in 1987.
· Founder/Director, The Kindness Campaign, a community-based violence prevention program in Colorado Springs and 12 other U. S. cities. 1994-2007.
· Founder/Director, The Kind & Safe Schools Initiative, a nationally acclaimed character education program that has been adopted by 700+ schools. 1998- present
· Co-Founder/Trainer, The First Visitor program, serving new parents in the Pikes Peak Region in 1999. This a home visitation program is designed to prevent child abuse and neglect.
· A United Nations Consultant during the International Year of the Family housed at the U.N. Centre in Vienna, Austria.1992-93.
· A founding Co-Director of The Bratislava International Center for Family Studies in Slovakia.1992-93
· Licensed psychologist since 1976.
· Author or co-author of over 50 books and 100 articles.
· Trainer and consultant in Conflict Resolution, Healing Developmental Trauma and numerous other topics.
Dr. Janae Weinhold
· Former Adjunct Professor at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.
· Co-Founder, The Colorado Institute for Conflict Resolution and Creative Leadership, a 501 (c) 3 educational non-profit organization in 1987.
· Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice 1986 – 2003.
· Since August 1 2014, restarted private practice in Colorado Springs through CICRCL.
· Founder, trainer and consultant in CICRCL’s Children’s Mental Health Project. 2001- present.
· Former member of the Colorado Children’s Mental Health Coalition
· Recipient of the Women Helping Women Award – Soroptomists International, Colorado Springs, CO.
· Professional counselor and personal mentor to numerous young(er) people around the world
· International Trainer, Supervisor and Consultant in Practical Psychology with ROZRADA, CICRCL’s sister NGO in Kiev, Ukraine since 1994.
· United Nations Consultant during the International Year of the Family housed at the U.N. Centre in Vienna, Austria 1992-93.
· A founding Co-Director of The Bratislava International Center for Family Studies in Slovakia 1992-93.
· Author or co-author of 10 books and numerous professional articles
· Conducts workshops for professionals in Developmental Process Work.
· Mother of two, step-mother of two and grandmother of three.
· Currently working as part of a community coalition designed to provide better mental health services to the general public.
1. How do you pronounce your name?
“Wine Hold”
2. Where are you currently living?
Colorado Springs, CO.
3. What is the most important thing that you have learned in your writing experience, so far?
This is a life-calling for the Weinhold’s. Barry’s latest book is: “Freaked Out: How Hidden Developmental Trauma Can Disrupt Your Life and Relationships. ” He says, “This book is for the general reading public.” He added, “This book is about early childhood trauma (something most people don’t’ know much about).”
Barry goes on to explain the purpose of this book, “This book is also about betrayal in our lives; and how it can raise our consciousness; this betrayal can be psychologically damaging to us depending on how we cope with it or handle it. He urges not holding onto the negative energy of anger, hate and resentment from any betrayal and being able forgive and move on. You must acknowledge that you have increased your awareness of those types of incidents so you won’t get into those situations again. Holding onto anger, hate and resentment does not do you any good nor does it hurt the person who has betrayed you (or your loved one).”
The book by Martha Stout “the Sociopath Next Door” tells us that con-artists, narcissists and sociopaths use the pity ploy [where if they can get you to pity them then they have you and can use you]. Dr. Weinhold agrees that that is a common ploy. He states that there are red flags in all relationships and we tend to ignore them.
He cautions us, “Do not ignore the red flags, they are telling us something to protect us, because the sociopaths are very good at it. They are very smooth and convincing and they seem very authentic, but they often will have in their presentation some flaws that show up. But if you don’t notice those red flags then you will fall prey to their trap.”
Another free paper that he and Janae have written is, “How Dysfunctional Was Your Family?” It has a self-questionnaire and Dr. Weinhold states that 97% of our families are dysfunctional in some ways and the other 3% are in recovery. This article is available on his website at <www.weinholds.org>.
Another book that Dr. Weinhold has written is “The Male Mother: The Missing Skill Set in Fathers.” There is a specific chapter on female mothers as well. The other books in this series are: “The Servant Leader: What the World Needs Now” and two more books yet to be written.
Other books Janae has written are: “Breaking Free of Con Artists, Sociopaths & Predators” and “How To Spot Con Artists, Sociopaths & Predators” and “How To Protect Yourself From Con Artists, Sociopaths & Predators”
Friday, he and Janae are giving a seminar in Denver to a bunch of therapists on how healthy narcissism develops. Here are some of the questions he asked these therapists:
He asks: “Did your parents do any to the following things when you were a toddler:
A. Did they support your attempts to be separate and autonomous or where they threatened by these attempts?
B. Did they allow you to experience and handle your natural urges such as rage, fear, jealousy and defiance?
C. Did they allow you to develop and follow your natural curiosity safely rather than over protecting you or requiring you to things to please them?
D. Did they offer support when you got afraid, this is the difference between a trauma and an “owie”? If someone was there to comfort you when you were afraid then it is just an “owie” but if no one was there or did not understand, what you were experiencing was traumatic then you may develop a trauma out of it.
(There are about a dozen different things that he asks of the few mentioned; that parents might or might not do during the period of about 8 months to 3 years.)
E. Provide twice as many “Yeses” as “Nos”, there is a tendency to over use the word “No”, more frequently than “Yes.” Research shows that by the age of two a child as heard “no” 20,000 times, so that means they should have received 40,000 yeses to balance it out.
F. Most parents use time out when the child gets “dysregulated” or has a temper tantrum. So basically, you are sending them to the corner or their room to calm down and figure it out. That is the worst thing you can do as a parent. Children do not know how to regulate themselves. Children need help and that tantrum is a cry for help. The message is don’t rely on your parents to help you; you have to figure this out yourself. Most children don’t know how to figure it out. The best thing to do is use a “time in”; have them sit on your lap or next to you. Have a conversation with them and this helps them to calm down; it teaches them how to reregulate. Martha G. Welch has a book titled “Holding Time” which talks about the “time in” method.
Time out is a very common mistake that parents make (he used it as a parent too). He wishes he’d have understood “time in” more.”
Barry points out that ‘time out’ is actually for the benefit of the parent. A child’s temper tantrum can cause the parent to be dysregulated and may trigger them from their childhood years.” He added, “I see that parents are dealing with their own issues as well as their child’s issues. So there are other methods rather than ‘time out’ to heal this problem and some things we need to be aware of in dealing with our issues, as well as our child’s issues.”
4. What would you say is your most interesting writing
experience?
He told a story about a time when he and his wife were watching a PBS special by John Bradshaw on the family. One of the guests on the program (Terry Kellogg), he heard say the following, “Co-dependency is a terminal illness. Once you are diagnosed with this disease you will never recover. The best you can do is attend 12 step meetings to keep it somewhat under control. (Or something to that effect)”
When they heard this statement they both jumped up and screamed at the screen, “No! No! No! That is not right!” They looked at each other and said we have to write a book on our views about co-dependency. They had a vacation planned to Yellowstone and that year it partially burned, so that cancelled that vacation and they stayed home for two weeks and a draft of the wrote the book (more or less). [Funny, how the universe can help you.]
Dr. Weinhold indicated that this particular book, “Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap” has been a best seller, selling about 400,000 books. It is still in print, since it was first published in 1989. After the one publisher went out of business, they helped the Weinholds sell it to New World Library. The Weinholds told that company that they had another book on counter-dependency, “The Flight from Intimacy”, which is a companion book to the other one.The company was interested in both and ended up purchasing both books.
5. Any insights eBooks vs. print books and alternative vs. conventional publishing?
The Weinhold’s have written both print and eBooks.
6. Do you have any secret tips for writers on getting a book published?
Dr Weinhold shared his experience in working with agents. He said that his first agent came by the way of a recommendation by a client who referred him to her agent. They hired that agent to market their book and the agent procured a book contract with a major publishing house with a modest advance. The publisher were going to put them on a book tour, etc. promoting the book “Threads: Unraveling the Mysteries of Adult Life” with an award-winning cover (most innovative cover of the year). Then the publisher changed their editorial policy and went from self-help to mystery novels, signing on Ken Follett and others. They decided to put their emphasis on mystery and put Weinhold’s book aside with no book tour and far less promotion. That agent sold two other books, that were cross-overs between textbooks and general reading books. He indicated that he later dropped that agent and tried to market a book on Counter Dependency with another agent. He said, “This book also looked at addictions as a developmental disorder not a disease. The NY agent that we selected, read that book and essentially had a nervous breakdown and eventually had to close down her business as an agent. Perhaps dealing with the discoveries she made in reading this book may have brought up her own unresolved issues. She resigned as our agent and without that agent to be the go between two major publishing houses who had shown interest in the book, and possibly leading to a bidding war, that effort resulted in neither publishing company deciding to buy the book. So then we self-published the book and then later sold it to a major publishing house.A third California agent that we hired could not help us publish our books either. Since then we have not had an agent for any of our books.”
7. Tell us your insights on self-publish or use a publisher.
So, he added, “The conclusion from the above answer is that a way to get a major publishing house in your book, possibly if you are a newer author, is to first self-publish then try to market the book to a publisher.”
His advice to new authors: “Promote the heck out of your book if you self-publish and get a record of publishing (10,000 copies, which is kind of a benchmark) to possibly get you into a major publisher.
8. What was one of the most surprising things you learned with your creative process with your books?
Dr.Weinhold told the following story: “I was writing in my office at my computer on a book titled, “The Male Mother.” A bird flew up and landed on the screen to this window by me and kept chirping at me. I tried to get it to fly away, but it would not. Every time I was working on that book that bird would show up. I was not sure how the bird knew I was working on this book. I thought there is some message that this bird is trying to tell me. Everything I tried to get rid of it did not work. I even put a big screen in front of the window, but it didn’t work. I finally looked up the bird on my bird book. I found that it was an Eastern Towhee, a member of the sparrow family and a male. Then I looked up online for the meaning of that particular totem or spirit animal.
The one for the Towhee said (paraphrasing) that whatever you are doing right now is limited in some way and needs to be expanded. I thought about that and I thought, “The Male Mother” book is only one of four feminine archetypes in men, there are three others. I realized I had to expand my writing project from one book to four. I then later wrote another book called “The Servant Leader”, and now I have two more outlined I am ready to write (one called “The Wise Elder” and “The Open Hearted Lover.”
“The spirit or totem description I read also said that the bird would give their lesson for two weeks then leave. Sure enough on the fifteenth day, the bird never showed up again. My question was, “How can I explain that one?” [Looks like this was NOT a coincidence.]
9. How many books have you written?
Dr. Weinhold said, “I have authored or co-authored 57 books and Janae has authored 12 or 13 books, separate from the ones we wrote together.”
10. What saying or mantra do you live by?
He replied, “Service to others. ” He added, “My life purpose is service to others.” I asked him, “Why?” He said he never consciously said this is what I’m going to do and this is just the way my life unfolded. He cautioned, “I also advocate taking care of yourself and make sure you keep a balance. If you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others. Some therapists may be in this situation so we teach therapists to take care of themselves before taking care of others.”
11. Anything else you would like to say?
Dr. Weinhold, in addition to being a licensed psychologist and a professor also states that he is a cosmologist. I asked him, what is a cosmologist? Basically, it is a belief on the origin and evolution of the universe. He said the following: “Many people have theories on how the universe started and my wife is currently writing a book that connects embryology, psychology and cosmology. He explained, “This ties to the fact that when the sperm meets the egg there is energy created and they have found that a spark of light occurs; a spark of energy comes off that union. Then each time a subsequent happening of when that cell cannot hold the energy anymore; then it separates and this is called mitosis. This relates to the cellular blueprint. This early experience in embryology when life is created until life is born is stamped on the child and their secure bonding or attachment.” “However, if something interferes with the bonding either prenatally or postnatal (after birth), this is where psycho-genesis is involved. Everything the mother is doing the child feels it in the womb; the effects of smoking to stress can be transferred directly to a child. Cosmo-genesis involves just extending this core human process to the whole cosmos. I believe this core human process is the blueprint that helps us understand how the cosmos works. The same energy that is present at conception is present all over the cosmos.”