070 - Chapter 70

(Illustration: Mam at the centre of the family tree)

The morning after Peter and Amanda’s wedding, Bob and I phoned my mam after church, but got no answer, so I left a message telling her what time we would be picking her up for lunch. I phoned a second time, and got through but found that she hadn’t received my message, and had already eaten which was rather unusual as she always ate at either Joan and Alan’s house or ours on a Sunday! Sarah and Alan, who hadn’t yet returned home to Maidenhead, picked her up once we’d eaten our lunch, and we met together at Tynemouth Long sands beach. It was a lovely day, just perfect for a walk. Mam was fairly quiet, as we walked down onto the beach, she always liked to link arms with me, and I began to chat to her. I noticed straight away that she was confused! What she was saying didn’t make sense at all, so I beckoned Sarah over, explained my concern and she began asking mam a few very simple questions.

‘Grandma do you know what day this is?’ Sarah asked.

‘Yes of course I do!’ She replied, but didn’t tell us.

“Who is this?’ said Sarah, pointing to me.

“You know who it is?” She smiled at us like a little girl who was giving us all the correct answers!

Sarah asked a few more. I looked at Sarah, and she looked at me and we knew there was something wrong. My mam seemed so small, frail and vulnerable in that moment.

We took her straight to hospital. It wasn’t clear whether the attack had been a severe migraine, or whether she’d had a mini stroke (a TIA). Mam said something about lights, so the doctor was suggesting it had been a migraine, but next day Sarah, a GP herself, explained to the doctor that mam’s mental capacity was still low, she really wasn’t her normal self; so she asked them if they could do a CT scan, and it was found that there had been evidence of a stroke at some point, but it was hard to say when that was.

Anyway thank goodness we got her into hospital for treatment early, and she did recover.

Wider family discussions opened up as to whether it was wise for mam to be living on her own. Joan and I decided to make enquiries about sheltered accommodation in the area for her. Osborne House, Wallsend was one suggestion, next to St Peter’s church, where Peter and Amanda had just been married, but whether mam was willing to go was a different matter!

After her time in hospital, she told us, “I’ll be a good girl from now on!” but that wasn’t the point. A stroke could have been fatal, if we hadn’t met up that morning. Our care for her stepped up, and Joan and I were fortunate in that we were far more available now that we had both retired from church duties.

Usually people in ministry, or any other employment for that matter, often do a very difficult balancing act between the work they’re called to do, and caring for their own family to ensure that no-one at all feels left out or neglected, particularly elderly relatives. We always included mam in our family gatherings, visited her; took her on holiday on occasions, but nevertheless she still spent a lot of time on her own in the old family home. Her neighbours, who had been like family to us, had either died or moved elsewhere. There was only one of these neighbours left in the street, and he was ready for a move too.

This TIA had been like a warning shot across the bows, and it helped us to move forward.

I had taken mam to Osborne House to visit a friend called Viv, who had been poorly, and mam had actually been able to see her flat, and she was impressed with it. She began to see the possibilities and advantages in living alongside others, instead of on her own, and she finally agreed that she was ready to go.

On the day of the move, Joan, my mam and I held a special ‘Goodbye Home’ service at her house. We lit a candle and said thanksgiving prayers for all the special memories of living there as one big happy family, and we gave thanks to God. My mam was invited to blow the candle out. It was a sad rite of passage for her, for here in this street our next-door neighbours had been an extension to our family, here she had nursed both her husbands, as they lay dying, here her two daughters had  moved on with their lives.  But this was also a new beginning for her, and so we lit a fresh candle in her new flat too, along with with prayers of blessing.

No longer would she be on her own, she would have company as well as her independence, and could wander along to the lounge to find company if she wanted it. At Osborne House there were afternoon teas, weekly bingo sessions, occasional concerts and trips out. She would always have our support and our visits, and her visits to us, and she would still be able to come on holidays with Joan’s family and mine.

I had written a new song just for her called ‘A Mother’s Love’ and it had surprised her when I sang it, along with other songs at a ‘Church Funds and Fairtrade morning’ at Church of the Good Shepherd, my former church. It went like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2I4ufUJ8730

A Mother’s Love (Traditional folk tune)

‘Her children arise and call her blessed.’ 

(inspired by Proverbs 31.4)

A mother’s love is precious, a mother’s love is kind

Helpful and caring, that’s how she was designed

And if there is unfairness, a threat or if we’re fazed

She’ll come straight to the rescue, 

and try to keep us safe.

She’ll tell us the truth, she will always keep us right,

And hold us in her loving heart, from morning until night.

A mother is a worrier- but there’s no lovelier face

Than one who watches over us, 

and blesses all our days.

A mother’s love is filled with pride, she boasts all of the time

And hugs us with lavish love, it’s something she can’t hide

She gives out such warmth in - affectionate embrace.

That’s why a mother’s tender love, 

can never be replaced

A Mother that is dignified, a mother that is strong

Can help us face our worries and laugh at days to come.

She speaks words of wisdom she teaches us with grace

And no-one can surpass her, no-one can take her place.

Lord comfort those who mourn, for mothers that have gone,

Remind them of the precious moments, 

help them pass them on.

A mother’s love’s a legacy that cannot be erased.

And hopefully our children too,

 one day will sing our praise.

I don’t know who was more moved, my mother or a friend of ours called Joan who had lost her mother some years before. It’s a song, which can speak to us all, as we’ve all had mothers. It’s important to show our love, our respect, our care and appreciation while we’ve got them, of course this goes for our dads too.

In early December, Joan, Alan, Bob and I, took mam to the Yorkshire Dales for a holiday together. We also took her to Scotland and Derbyshire with us, in successive years making our own meals, sharing tasks, playing cards and board games and going for walks. She holidayed with Bob and me in the Lakes, in Maidenhead with Sarah, and in Hampshire with Joanne, Joan’s daughter, these were all very special to her, and good for us to look back on.

Mam was very irritable at Christmas though, and soon we discovered the reason why. It was the start of her frustration at being deaf. Her condition had worsened and it became obvious in large family gatherings, as opposed to quiet 'one to one' chats. She was beginning to feel isolated in conversation, she could no longer take a full part in what was being said by everyone, both in her sheltered accommodation and in our homes.

I’m quite deaf now, and I can truly sympathise with what she was going through then. Hearing aids amplify surrounding noises, making it impossible to make out what people are saying in conversation, and it’s exhausting to keep saying, “Pardon?” My grandfather, my mam’s dad, was stone deaf, and would sit with his ‘cupped’ ear pressed right up against the wireless in the corner of the room; so it runs in the family sadly!

For a good while mam was really content in her new home, but over the next ten years she came to need two more house moves for her safety and wellbeing, as her eyesight, her hearing, her decision making and her mobility were all deteriorating.

The forst of these was Thomas Ferguson House in North Shields, near the bank top which overlooked the Fish Quay and the River Tyne estuary. But eventually she sttled into  the most amazing care home, Eothen Homes in Whitley Bay.

Joan and I were much older by this time, and couldn’t provide the kind of care we’d both been able to give our grandmother, years before in our own homes. Joan had developed severe arthritis in most of her joints, with high blood pressure and I was on medication for heart palpitations and low blood pressure. But this lovely home provided a wonderful service. Here her tablets were administered three times a day on time; there was 24 hour care, the residents were served three meals a day in a beautiful dining room, the staff were very friendly and there were entertainments and activities each day in the lounge area. It was a truly happy environment, with a very special Christian ethos, and occasional worship sessions. She found herself truly blessed here, and continued to enjoy seeing her family on their regular visits.