Bill and Ben the Burglar Men

Bill and Ben the Burglar Men: A Drama for Advent (Matthew 24 vv36-44)

(Walking onto the stage we have here Bill and Ben, two burglars wearing black masks, dark trousers and striped jumpers. Bill is composing a letter, while Ben listens in amazement and with growing concern)

Ben: What you up to now Bill? What’re you doing?

Bill: I’m writing a letter to Mr & Mrs Sidee Botome

Ben: (looks over his shoulder) That doesn’t say Side Botome, that says

Sidebottom!

Bill: Well that’s what SHE calls herself! I know that woman well.

Ben: Oh just get on with it! (He goes off to read his newspaper)

Bill: OK.(He reads out aloud as he writes) Dear Mr & Mrs Sidebottom,

I am just writing to inform you that my mate Ben and I are planning to

burgle your house next week! (Ben looks up from his newspaper)

We’ll try and make it Wednesday night, possibly Thursday, round about 8

o’ clock. If, however, your car is outside, and your lights are on, we’ll

come back once you’re safely tucked up in bed, and you can rest assured

we’ll be as quiet as mice and we’ll try not to disturb you both.

(Ben returns to Bill’s shoulder astonished and speechless staring at Bill’s letter. Bill continues writing)

You’ve no need to worry; we won’t make too much mess, but if at all

possible, could you leave a fair bit of money lying around and put your

valuables where we can easily get to them? That is if you don’t mind?

This would make our job a lot easier!

(Ben now stares at Bill in horror)

If this is an inconvenient time for us to call, could you perhaps suggest

an alternative date and contact us at the above address.

(brief pause here as he admires his writing) Yours sincerely Bill . . .

Ben: (in stunned amazement interrupts) Are you STUPID or what?

We’re not supposed to let ANYONE know let anyone know when we’re

coming! We are BURGLARS! We do our job when people least expect it!

AND WE CERTAINLY . . . (rolls up his newspaper)

DON’T (hits him once)

TELL (hits him again)

PEOPLE (hits him again)

OUR NAMES AND WHERE WE LIVE! (all the way off stage)