Embedded Files
(A skit on TV’s Bargain Hunt programme, written for our PIRATES Holiday Club
~5 days duration)
(I have no idea who penned the jokes below, but I think they’ve done the rounds for sometime. I would be happy to give credit where it is due to anyone who claims authorship of them.
One of them may make no sense to you, as’ Bernar’d is a member of our congregation, and the photo we used was of a St Bernard dog. But you could substitute some other ‘find’ in place of the Bernard photo, which pokes fun at someone you know)
ACT 1:
Tim: Hello there and welcome! There’s so much in today’s show so let’s not
dilly dally, let’s go Treasure Hunting!
Today we’re in Kingston Park, Newcastle at the church of St John the
Evangelist* (Substitute the name of your church).
Now I know you must know the rules of the show by now . . . we have two teams,
the Reds and the Blues, and each team will be given £300 to spend, to see if they
can find some real treasure here, and make a real profit.
The red team today are the ‘Jolly Sailor’s and they come up against the
the blue team the ‘Beastly Pirates.
The Jolly Sailors first; the Reds. Tell us your names and what do you do?
Tim: Your name is
JS1: Abbot
Tim: Abbot who?
JS2: Abbot you don’t know who he is?
Tim: You’re right I don’t! Who are you?
JS2: Alex!
Tim: Alex who?
JS2: Alexplain later, let’s get on with the game!
Tim: And how do you think you might do today?
JS1; We’re going to do our best to win!
JS2: Yeah!
Tim: Now for the blues: The Beastly Pirates: That’s a strange name (pirates look
mean) although perhaps not so strange for pirates. Your names are?
BP 1: Haywood Hugh; and Harry
Tim: Hayward Hugh and Harry who?
BP2: Hey would you hurry up and play the game?
Tim: Oh I’m sorry! Do you two ever have any trouble haggling over prices?
BP1: We never have any trouble getting what we want!
BP 2: Yeah!
Tim: No I bet you don’t! This will be an interesting game! Lot of attitude around!
I think it’s time to set our teams off. But they’ll need help!
And in come our team of experts. The red team will have Jolly Roger to
help them discover their treasures . He’s the vicar here, and vicars are
experts at making money.(he enters and frowns) Out of necessity of course!(smiles)
And the blues have been joined by Captain Hook who has come to lend
a hand to the pirates. (inserts his hook.) No doubt he’ll enjoy searching round things that
are ‘second hand’!( Hook looks angry with him)
So to both teams, very good luck and off you go!
(Both teams hurry off stage) (The end of Day One)
ACT 2 Red Team are rummaging around the stage. (small table with junk needed)
JS1: I like this book. It’s in good condition and it’s got over 600 hymns in it!
JS2 : I like it too, it’s quirky. Ask how much it is Abbot?
JS1: (to stallholder, a microphone voice) Abbot you won’t sell this to us at a reasonable price?
Voice: It’s £100
JS2: That’s far too much money, let’s toss a coin for it.
Voice: OK! Heads I win and I get my £100, tails you lose! You toss the coin!
JS2: OK that’s fair! (they toss a coin and obviously lose)
Voice: Stall holder: I win, hand over the money!
Jolly Roger: That doesn’t seem right!
Tim: After just ten minutes the red team are the proud owners of a Songs of
Fellowship Hymbook. 1967 EDITION.
JS1: Look what else I’ve found. It’s one of Bernard’s photos! He’s a real saint!
JS2: That must be worth something!(they show a photo of a St Bernard dog)
JS1: (to stallholder, a microphone voice) Abbot you won’t sell this to us at a reasonable price?
Voice: It’s £100
JS2: That’s far too much money, let’s toss a coin for it.
Voice: OK! Heads I win and I get my £100, tails you lose! You toss the coin!
JS2: OK that’s fair! (they toss a coin and obviously lose)
Voice: Stall holder: I win, hand over my money!
Jolly Roger: That doesn’t seem right either!
JS2: Ah here’s another quirky piece! It’s a collection plate.
JS1: There’s got to be money in that!
Jolly Roger: What date is on it? Does it have a hallmark?
JS1: It has a dirty mark, but this is an original!
JS2: Let’s toss another one of those coins. I like tossing coins!
Jolly Roger: Oh no not again!(he despairs)
JS1: (to stallholder, a microphone voice) Abbot you won’t sell this to us at a reasonable price?
Voice: It’s £100
JS2: That’s far too much money, let’s toss a coin for it.
Voice: OK! Heads I win and I get my £100, tails you lose! You toss the coin!
JS2: OK that’s fair! (they toss a coin and obviously lose)
Voice: Stall holder: I win!
Jolly Roger: I’m sure that’s not right, and you’ve spent all the money now!(tearing his hair out)
Tim: Jolly Roger the expert has nothing to spend now! But the reds DO have a hymn book, a photo and a collection plate to bring to the auction.
(The end of Day Two)
ACT 3
Tim: Now let’s find out again how the blues are getting on. They haven’t
actually bought a thing, and they’ve only got five minutes left! (The blue team
run sheepishly in and out of the door three times when Tim is speaking to Captain Hook.)
Captain Hook: The team you saddled me with haven’t got a clue! You have to
map it out for them! They don’t even know their alphabet they’ve spent so
long at C. But you’ve either got an eye for this game or you haven’t! (he lifts
his eye patch up) And we’ve only got three minutes left! I feel just like that ship
I sank last week; left it shivering at the bottom of the sea!
Tim: Whatever do you mean?
Captain H: I’M A NERVOUS WRECK! ( then runs after the pirates to catch them)
Tim: Let me just tell you a little about this terrific building. As I was telling you it was
dedicated in 1991. blaa de blaa de blaa! The idea for a building began with local
people blaa de blaa de blaa. . . a house was purchased in Shannon Court . . .
Ah what the Beastly Pirates have come up with? What have you found?
BP1 : A small box of matches from the kitchen! Something to light our way!
BP2: They’re a bit jazzy and a bit whizzy, but they’ll come in handy.
Tim: But will they be any good for an auction? (pirates shrug?)
Captain H: Well they’re nearly out of time and if it all goes pear shape I shall eat my
ear-rings! I paid an arm and a leg for them!
Tim: How much DID they cost?
Captain H: A buck-an-ear! (Blue team go out, Jolly Roger and reds come in)
Tim: Times up I’m afraid
Captain H: DRAT!
Tim: But the Blues, where are they?
Captain: They’ve run off with the money!
Tim: So that’s why they’re called the Beastly Pirates!
Captain Hook: They did the same to me last year in Africa, at the jungle sales!
Tim: Oh dear catastrophe! What happened?
Captain Hook: I saw them take off in a wooden ship, with a wooden mast and
a wooden rudder!
Tim: What happened?
Captain Hook: It wooden go!
Tim: Then what did they do?
Captain Hook; I saw them up the rigging, hoping to get a bargain in the sails.
Tim: Well . . . the big question now is can our Red team, all on their own squeeze
out a juicy profit from what they have bought?
The blues I’m afraid are out of the running. . .in fact they’re still running,
but we still have their box of matches!
(end of Day Three)
(In this fourth act invite the audience to make a few low bids when it comes to auction time, from 20p to £1)
ACT 4 Auctioneer is giving his honest opinion on Red Team’s items with Tim watching on.
Auct: I would value this hymnbook at only a couple of pounds I’m afraid.
And not much more for the photo, although it is a very nice photo! After
all it is a Bernard! And the collection plate? Well it has been damaged
and has little appeal to folk today, especially with cutbacks.
Tim: Now let me know what you think of the Blue Team’s item. A box of matches?
Auct: Nothing else?
Tim: No they ran off with the money! Either that or they went on strike!
Auct: What a beastly thing to do! Well then, you have a clear set of winners in
the Red Team, even if they make a loss on their goods. Neither
team found any real treasure, did they?
(THE AUCTIONEER STANDS AND INVITES THE CONGREGATION TO BID BUT NO MORE THAN £1 (or it could go on forever)
Carry out an auction on the goods; with all the auctioneering jargon.e.g.
What am I bid for this book of hymns…?
Tim has pencil and paper tots up total and the loss, and he stands with the red team)
Tim: Well we have here a massive loss for the Red Team! Let’s just check again,
You started with £300, and your total comes to £ ….. Take that from £300 and you
Have ended up with minus£……
Now off you go, and if you should happen to see the Blue Team, which I doubt, don’t
tell them your score, go out looking confident!
It’s time now for the auction of the Blue teams ‘box of matches’. What a
shame they did not come up with the goods.
(end of Day Four)
DAY FIVE:
Auct: What am I bid for this very full box of matches tipped with phosphorous
for an instant strike? They will look good in any part of the house, they’re
all dry, and reliable and will always come in handy. Who will start me off
at 10p?
Suddenly enter the Beastly Pirate Blue Team holding an earthen vessel.
BP: Hold it, we’ve found our treasure!
BP2: We found this earthen vessel and it’s been in here all the time!
Tim: You’re too late. You ran out of time!
BP1: Life isn’t all about what we eat or what we wear or in what we buy!
BP: It’s far, far more than all that! We’ve been out seeking until we found it!
(They step forward and dramatically sing a song: everyone joins in second time round.)
We hold a treasure,
not made of gold
in earthen vessels,
wealth untold.
One treasure only,
the Lord,
the Christ,
In earthen vessels.
Tim: It seems that the Blues discovered a treasure that is truly priceless.
Each of us is an earthern vessel, and each of us can contain
such a treasure! It’s there for the taking!
Don’t YOU leave it too late to discover it!
Join us next week for more Treasure Hunting.
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