Love is...Baptism Version

Part One~ Dolly talks to Mary

A ‘re-jig’ of one of my previous dramas, in order to suit the needs of a morning family service plus baptism. A narrator keeps stepping in to remind us what St Paul has to say about love in Chapter 13 of the first letter to the Corinthians.

(Dolly is phoning her friend Mary on her new portable telephone. Mary is not visible to the audience).

Dolly: C’mon Mary pick the phone up. I haven’t got all night (Aside She’ll not have ‘er hearing aid or ‘er dentures in) PICK IT UP WOMAN.

Narrator: LOVE IS PATIENT

Dolly: (Sweetly) Oh hello Mary, it’s me, Dolly. Mind you took your time answering the phone. What are you doing? …. You should have one of these new ‘Portugal’ phones, you can carry them anywhere. You can even take them in there with you. But they’re very expensive. YOU’D not be able to afford the model I’ve got. But you can get cheaper ones. I’m just phoning you to see if you’re going to the family service tomorrow morning? It’ll be lovely. Our * getting the bairn done. Eeeeeeh I do like a good baptism. And you’ll be able to see our little treasure, * just like his father, but good looking! …… What do you mean you’re not going? Mary there’s nowt wrong with you. You know I think you’re a hypothermiac. There’s always something! Last week it was your corns, the week before it was your ingrown toenails and this week it’s your bunions. If there’s anything more goes wrong with your feet, people will start and talk about you and that CHIRO-PODIST. (Ch pronounced in chiropodist).

Narrator: LOVE IS KIND.

Dolly: I know you didn’t enjoy the family service the last time, but we got there too early. It was all your fault . ……OK I know that I said it was 9.15 but you should have checked …….. Anyway, he’s not taking the service this week, so you’ve got no excuse. It’s that other vicar, the one with the noisy ‘catarrh’, no there’s nothing wrong with her nose… the catarrh, the catarrhhh! She plays the catarrh. Mind you, she can’t sing for toffee. She means well, but her voice isn’t trained properly.

Narrator: LOVE DOES NOT ENVY

Dolly: What do you mean, I couldn’t do any better? I’ll have you know that I was the lead contralto in the band of hope in my day. There’s many a one passed comment on my voice…in my time…there just wasn’t the opportunity in them days to make a career of it.

Narrator: LOVE IS NOT BOASTFUL OR CONCEITED.

Dolly: What puts me off a bit mind, is when it’s your birthday, and you have to go out and tell everyone your age. I mean, it’s alright for you Mary, you look 80, I don’t. And I just hope that other vicar, you know the curate, Odd Job, I hope he doesn’t start telling his ridiculous jokes again, they’re ruddy awful.

Narrator: LOVE IS NOT RUDE.

Dolly: So you are going then! Good ‘cos your Darren can give us a lift along …… Oh no our Fred won’t want to get the car out. He’ll want to get back to bed once he’s collected his Sunday papers. Is that OK then? Mind you, I’ll have to sit in the front …… Well I know you get travel sick Mary, but it’s not all that far to the church. And I’ll have me new coat on for the Baptism and I don’t want it creased.

Narrator: LOVE IS NEVER SELF-SEEKING

Dolly: Eeh I suppose I do sound a bit selfish, don’t I? …..I didn’t ask you to agree with me Mary ….. Actually we should have confession in our church, you know like them Roman Catholics do. It would be good for the likes of you Mary. Mind you I’d be hard pushed to think of many of my sins. ….I BEG YOUR PARDON Mary. What was that? …..No I definitely heard you say something! C’mon I want to know what it was you just said……If I gave you a pencil you’d what?….. You’d be able to write them all down for me? ……I don’t think that’s very funny Mary….. In fact I feel very wounded by you. And I’ve got to say, it’s not the first time this has happened!

Narrator: LOVE IS NOT EASILY ANGERED.

Dolly: Well, if we’re going to start that game I could tell YOU a few home truths too!

Narrator: LOVE DOES NOT KEEP A LIST OF WRONGS.

Dolly: Well it didn’t sound much of a joke to me, to be honest. All right then …. Yes of course I forgive you, I’m a Christian aren’t I.. (Aside Seventy times seven the bible says forgive! Well then 480 more times and I’ll clock ‘er one). Mind you Mary there’s many a time when I’ve defended you, behind your back, when our friends have been calling you, and I’ve got to say I never believed them when they said that you had a nasty side to your character - till now! …..Yes I’m fine ….We’ll just forget what you said. Alright!

Narrator: LOVE DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL.

Dolly: ……..Abrupt? No I’m not being abrupt…..Yes I would tell you if you had offended me. Of course if you can’t speak the truth in love to your friends, who can you speak the truth in love to?

Narrator: LOVE DELIGHTS IN THE TRUTH.

Dolly: So let’s just change the subject shall we? What are you putting on for church? …..Yes I’ll give you an honest opinion …. Oh Mary, not that one. You’re no spring chicken now you know ……. Wear that new one instead. You get such lovely colours in the larger sizes for the woman with the fuller figure…..But remember to leave the belt off or you’re going to look like a sack of potatoes. (Aside: Mutton dressed as lamb).

Narrator: LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS, ALWAYS TRUSTS, ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES, LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Dolly: Yes Mary, of course we’re still friends. I mean, we’ve only just started speaking to each other again after all these years…. No I’m quite alright now…. Wait a minute Mary, did I phone you, or did you phone me? Right I’m going, see you in the morning, tell Darren just to give a toot, and I’ll be oot! ………. Byeeeee!

WHAT A TALKER THAT WOMAN IS, MY BILLS WILL BE SKY HIGH.