A Christmas pantomime

(This is an attempt to write a pantomime with a difference.  A staff of teachers entertain their children.)

Scene 1

Zips:  Hello boys and girls! Do you know who I am?  Then let me give you a clue.  My name isn’t Buttons, but it’s very similar!  Yes, it’s Zips.  My name is Zips, and I hold everything together.  Time “flies” by for me.  And I like pantomimes I can get my “teeth” into.  I’m as fast as lightning! (Grease lightning, music go-go-go etc.)  Let me introduce you to a friend of mine.  Do you see that beautiful girl behind me?

(Holds card with “No” written on it.)

(Children say “No”)

Zips:  Oh yes you do! (etc.)

Well anyway her name is Cindaerobics.  She was so happy with her father, Baron Hardup, until he got married again.  His new wife brought her two spoilt brats to live with her and life’s not been the same here since!

I do feel sorry for her, don’t you?  (cries into handkerchief)

(Holds card with “No” written on it.)                                                          (goes off)

Crackers:  (enters singing song to the tune, ‘Mexican dances on his hat’

                   I’m a mouse and my name is Crackers

                   I sing songs and I play my maracas

                   I have come  here to brighten your day.

                    I’ve got sweets and I throw them away

(He throws out sweets, then an egg [blown] then a cream pie which ends up in Zip’s face)

Cinders:   Hello Crackers, you do have a beautiful voice you know.

Crackers:  Yes, I know

Cinders:  Do you come from a musical family?

Crackers:  I certainly do.  Even the sewing machine was a “Singer”.  Oh-oh trouble brewing.  I must make myself scarce, it’s the Spoilt Brats, they’re coming.  Hard cheese Cinders, don’t fall into the trap of doing everything they tell you to do!

SB1:  I am a Spoilt Brat!

SB2:  I am a very Spoilt Brat!

SB1:  I am a VERY, VERY Spoilt Brat!

SB2:  I am a VERY, VERY, VERY Spoilt Brat!

(They argue in “playground” language.  Say that once more and I’ll deck ya’.  You’n who else?  Yer dead meat.  A’ll see ye after school!)

Cinders:  Now sisters try to keep nice and calm.  Father’s coming with our pocket money, and if you’re arguing we won’t get any!

SB’S:  YEH! YEH! POCKET MONEY! POCKET MONEY!

Baron Hardup:  Well the North Tyneside budget is such that if you don’t spend your pocket money by the end of the week I’ll have to take it off you and spend it myself.  So whatever you’ve still got to spend, spend it now.  (Gives out 1p to each).

SB1:  A penny?

SB2:  What are we gonna get with a penny?

Baroness Hardup:  Now my loves, my beautiful darlings, it’s time for your aerobics classes.  You can spend your penny there.

SB1:  I don’t want to go to the toilet!

SB2:  And I don’t want no exercise!

Baroness:  Off you both go my little cherubs, the exercise will do you good..

Cinders: Oh Wicked Stepmother, I’ve finished all my jobs and I love aerobics.  Could I not go too? 

Baroness:  Certainly not, lazy step-daughter.  You can keep fit here in the kitchen, where you belong.  Find other jobs to do!

Cinders:  Like catching that mouse over there?

Baroness:  Where?  Aaaaaaaaagh!  (Runs off, mouse behind, followed by Cinders.)

Scene 11

(Enter Cinders, then Zips)

Zips:  Morning Cinders, can I do anything to help you?

Cinders:  No Zips, I don’t want to “get caught”, it will be the undoing of you!

Zips:  Look sharp, here they come, I’m off!

(Enter Baroness & 2 SB’s)

Baroness: Well then did my two darlings enjoy their exercises today?

SB1:  I worked hard.

SB2:  Yeah, but I worked HARDER!

(They argue:  don’t start that again, I’ll get my sister on to you, my mam can fight our dad, what’s that got to do with it, I’ll see you after school,)

Baron:  What on earth is going on.  Do you both not know what school rule number 5 says?  You must show respect for other people.  You have both lost your ticks.

SB1:  We didn’t even get a warning.

SB2:  It’s not fair!

Baroness: Let’s change the subject shall we?  What exactly happened at aerobics last night?

SB1:  There’s a special challenge on tonight!

Baroness:  What do you mean?

SB2:  Well whoever is the fittest tonight goes on a ski holiday with our new instructor, and he’s not ‘arf handsome!  (Cinders looks all dreamy and gobsmacked).

SB1:  UYEERRRRRK! I’m not bothered about him, I just want a free holiday!

Baroness:  Well it seems to me that you both need to get noticed, let’s go into town and buy you both some new gear.

Cinders:  Could I come along too wicked stepmother?

(Baroness put her finger to her lips like Year 5 do and so does Cinders.  They go out, Baron and Zips come in)

Baron:  Where is everyone Zips?

Zips:  I saw the Baroness heading for Newcastle, to spend some money!

Baron:  What?  On no, we must head them off.  I’ll be broken Zips, and I won’t be able to mend it, we must fly!  (They exit).

(Cinders cries)

Crackers:  Don’t be sad Cinders!

Cinders:  But I would very much like to go to aerobics, just once.  I’m very fit and I could do with a holiday, besides other things.  I just have to get away from all this.  A seven week term is a killer!

Crackers:  Think positively!

Cinders:  I wonder what the new aerobics instructor looks like.  Could he be my Prince Charming do you think?

(Musical flourish and in comes the fairy godmother)

Fairy Godmother:  I am your fairy godmother, from the tele-tubby show,

                                 my name isn’t Tinky Winky or La La or Po,

                                 I’m nought but a fairy, with nowhere to go,

                                 so I thought I’d drop in and just say hello!  Hello everyone!

Children:   Hello fairy godmother

Fairy Godmother:  What is your problem please tell me true,

                                  and I’ll try to solve it, that’s what I’ll do,

                                  just tell me your secret, I’ll tell you my plan…….

Cinders:  DEAR FAIRY GODMOTHER, I JUST NEED A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fairy Godmother:  Right o my dearie, just you hold on tight,

                                 don’t you go worry now, it will be all right,

                                  romance will be yours tonight; love at first sight,

                                  but you must promise to be home by midnight!

                                  You’ll find clothes to wear behind that screen there,

                                  you’ll love what I’ve chosen so hurry don’t stare,

                                  but just you remember my words and take care,

                                  ‘cos by the time it strikes twelve, you will find yourself bare!

Cinders:  I’m like the cat with cream Crackers.  I’m to go to aerobics after all.  Thank you fairy godmother!

(Goes behind the screen and hides when she hears the others returning)

Baroness:  Are you both ready now?  You look wonderful.  You’ve both just got time to clean your teeth! (both complain).  Here let me show you!  (cleans her teeth).

SB1 drinks and rinses

SB2 spits out

Baroness:  Right off we go! (Exit)

Cinders:  And off I go too! (Exit)

Scene 111

(Enter Prince Charming and French Spice)

Prince Charming:  Not much talent here tonight French Spice!

French Spice:  Do not geev up ‘ope m’sieur, you are cleverly deesguised as an aerobic instructor.  No one weel ever guess you are a prince.  Oh non!  Who are zeez idiots?

Prince Charming:  They look just like spoilt brats to me.

SB1:  Hey he knows our names already.

SB2:  This is going to be easy-peasy.

French Spice:  When I offered first prize my Lord of an ‘oliday in ze Alps, I was ‘oping to find a wife for you, but alas I sink we ‘oped in vain.

Prince Charming:  I could tell you what I want, what I really, really want French Spice, but it’s not those two over there, and it seems that this is all we have to choose from.  *do any more Spice Girl songs fit in from here?)

SB1:  Heh!  It was a good idea of mine to write cancelled all over the posters outside.

SB2:  No, that was my idea.

SB1:  Dream on sister, that was my idea.  (They argue).

Enter Cinders.

SB1:  Can she not read the word “cancelled”?

Prince Charming:  Wait a minute, who is she?

French Spice:  I do not know, but she looks ‘ealthy and verrry beautiful.

Prince Charming:  Let’s see how she moves shall we?  I am your instructor tonight, let me see what you can all do; I will hand you over to my assistant the Green Goddess.

(Spoilt brats get it all wrong, Cinders dances the routine perfectly and ends up dancing with the prince)

(The clock strikes; Cinders runs off leaving her trainer behind)

French Spice:  Your majesty she ‘as disappeared.

Prince Charming:  But look she has left behind her trainer, we will search for her tomorrow.

SCENE 1V

Zips:  Good morning children, everyone is asleep this morning.  It must have been a good night.  Even Cinders is still asleep.  Never mind, would you like me to tell you some jokes while we are waiting for her?

You do want to hear some jokes don’t you?

Oh no we don’t; Oh yes you do etc….

JOKETIME

(Knock at the door - enter Prince Charming, French Spice, along with the Spoilt Brats and family)

Zips:  What on earth is happening?

French Spice:  ‘is majesty would like to try a shoe on.

Zips:  Whose shoe would he like to try on?

French Spice:  Do not be impertinent!

SB1:  I’m not trying someone else’s shoe on.  My mum says it’s not NIKE to try other people’s shoes on!

SB2:   AD-I-DAS-K first!  (smells shoe)  PU______MA!

French Spice:  I shall knock your REEBOCK off in a minute.

Prince Charming:  Now French Spice, calm yourself.

French Spice:  Ees there anyone else in zees house?

Baroness:  No-one of consequence your Majesty.

Baron:  What about Cinders?

Zips:  I’ll go and find her sir.

SB1 & SB2:  Oh no you won’t

Zips:  Oh yes I will.

(SB’s hold on to him)

Help I’m stuck

Crackers:  Zips is stuck, release him.

(He kicks brats, releases Zips, they free Cinders, she tries the shoe on and it fits.)

Prince Charming:  Cinders will you marry me, and accompany me to the Alps, and there we can do aerobics to our hearts content?

Cinders:  We can test our heart rates together from now on, and do the bleep test each day.

Prince Charming:  Let’s fly my love.

Cinders:  That reminds me, can Zips come too, and Crackers?  And daddy and my wicked stepmother?  And the Spoilt Brats?  And my fairy godmother?  And the aerobics assistant?

Prince Charming:  Why don’t we take French Spice too?

Cinders:  OK then!

Prince Charming:  (Sarcastically)  Fine honeymoon this is going to be!!!

THE END