1 Corinthians 13 ~ Dolly on the phone to Mary

A telephone conversation helps to highlight just how unloving we can be.  A narrator keeps stepping in to remind us what St Paul has to say about love, in chapter 13 of his first letter to the Corinthians.

Dolly:                C’mon Mary pick up the phone, I haven’t got all night.  She’ll not have her hearing aid in.  PICK IT UP WOMAN!

Narrator:            LOVE IS PATIENT

Dolly:    (Sweetly) Oh hello Mary, it’s me Dolly, I’m just phoning to ask if you’re going tonight?  Yes Mabel’s coming too.  She’s fine now!  No it was ‘er corns a fortnight ago, it’s ‘er bunions playing up this week.  It’ll be  ‘er ingrown toenails next.  She’s always moanin’ on about something.  No Mary, I’m not being unkind, but I really do think that she’s a bit of  a hyperthermiac.  Either that or she’s seeing ‘er CHIRO-POD-IST on the quiet.  (pronounce the “ch” in chiropodist).

Narrator:            LOVE IS KIND

Dolly:    What exactly IS on tonight at church?  A Mission Team?  What do we need a mission for?  The pews are full enough!  Well I just hope they don’t have those noisy catarrhs with them.  And they’d better not start dancing or I’m out of there.        

Narrator:            LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS

Dolly:                What do you mean I couldn’t do any better?  I’ll have you know I was the lead contralto in the Band of Hope in my day!  There’s many a one past comment on my voice, in my time, clear as a bell.

Narrator:            LOVE IS NOT BOASTFUL OR CONCEITED.

Dolly:    Well they’d better not be like the group we had last time.  They were ruddy awful!

Narrator:            LOVE IS NOT RUDE.

Dolly:    Well I’ll tell you what, you walk up here for me first, then we’ll both walk down together and call for Mabel.  I don’t like walking these streets at night on my own any more.  There are so many funny men around.  Oh Mary of course they’ll not attack YOU on the way here!  You’re no spring chicken now you know!  Just leave your handbag at home and they’ll not go anywhere near you!

Narrator:            LOVE IS NEVER SELFISH.

Dolly:    Ah I’m sorry then, yes that was bitchy, I am sorry.  We should have confession you know in our church, like them Roman Catholics do!  Mind you, I’d be hard pushed to think of many of my sins.  I beg your pardon Mary, WHAT did you say?  I definitely heard you say something!  No c’mon I want you to repeat what you just said there.  If I gave you a pencil, you’d what, you’d be able to write them all down for me.  No I don’t think that was funny Mary!

Narrator:            LOVE DOES NOT TAKE OFFENCE.

Dolly:    Well if we’re going to start that game, I could tell you a few home truths too!

Narrator:            LOVE IS NOT RESENTFUL.

Dolly:    Well it didn’t sound like a joke to me!  All right then, OK.  Yes of course I forgive you.  I’m a Christian aren’t I (Aside Seventy times seven?  Well that’s… 483 more times and I’ll clock her one)  Mind you there’s been many a time when I’ve defended you, when people have said something behind your back, and  I’ve got to say I never believed it when they said you had a nasty side to your character, till now!  Right, yes I’m fine, we’ll just forget you said it.

Narrator:            LOVE TAKES NO PLEASURE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S SINS

Dolly:                Abrupt?  No I’m not being abrupt.  Yes I would tell you if you had offended me.  Of course, if you can’t speak the truth in love to your friends, who can you speak the truth in love to?

Narrator:            LOVE DELIGHTS IN THE TRUTH.

Dolly:                Let’s change the subject shall we?  Well what are you wearing tonight?  Yes I’ll give my honest opinion.  Oh you’ve still got that one have you?  Well I dare say these shorter lengths are all back in fashion now.  And you could always get such lovely colours in those larger sizes, just leave the belt off.  (Aside:  Mutton….dressed….as….lamb!)

Narrator:            LOVE IS ALWAYS READY TO EXCUSE, TO TRUST, TO HOPE, TO ENDURE WHATEVER COMES.

Dolly:    Yes Mary, of course we’re still friends, I mean we’ve just started speaking to each other again after all these years.  No I’m quite all right.  I’m positive.  Er!  Wait a minute, who phoned who first?  Me or you?  What?  It’s me that’s paying for this call?  Right I’m off!  Bye!  See you when you come, and don’t be long.  (Puts the phone down)

            What a talker that woman is, my phone bills will be sky high, I’ll have to make her  pay half.