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Workplace Humor
Keep reading below for these classics....
Five Cannibals
The Engineer in Hell
New Company Policy
Policy Phenomenon
Things you'd LOVE to say at work
Five Cannibals
Five Cannibals
Five cannibals get hired at the local manufacturing plant. During the welcoming orientation, the HR Manager says, "You're all part of our team now, You can earn good money here, you will have good benefits, and you can go to the vending machines for something to eat. So please don't bother any of the other employees." The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the HR Manager calls them in to the office and says, "You're all working very hard, and we're very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the HR Manager has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool!! For four weeks, we've been eating Managers and Administrators and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor."
The Engineer in hell
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies: What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Well here's the latest that I heard......
New Company Policy
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for employees, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans and are paid less. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate. If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. Any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) program.
The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
The Management
Policy Phenomenon
I've witnessed this phenomenon.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt wit
h the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeyswill try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cageand replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the bananaand wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, allof the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and tack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
Things you'd LOVE to say at work
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK......
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. How about never? Is never good for you?
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself inpublic.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
6. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a word you're saying.
7. Ahhh.... I see the screw-up fairy has visited again.
8. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
9. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
10. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
12. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique pointof view.
13. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you are an artist.
14. What am I?...Fly paper for freaks?
15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
16. Do I look like a frikkin' people person?
17. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
25. Chaos, panic and disorder...My work here is done.
26. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
27. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
Cowgill Net Jeffrey Cowgill 2008 Contact