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A teacher was helping little Johnny with a math problem. She recited the following story :
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?" The boy pauses. "None, he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that." "It's simple, "says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently. The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten students got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
Answer: Nothing
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"D! ! aaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said," Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."