rodneyisms

Rodney Dangerfield

Classic Qoutes!

"Being a hooker is the only business in which "you got it, you sell it and you still got it."

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your mark..."

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"For two hours... some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me."

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him... how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?... He told me... That is why we give you 21 days."

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... No days... just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."

"My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed... Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh."

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said... did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."

"I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude... but I didn't see the mouse trap."

"A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

"My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying... Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said... surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah... my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"One day... as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said... Because you came home early."

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

"Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her... The best woman a man ever had... The waiter joined me."

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"

Doctor... every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."

"My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath... he holds up his arms."

"My dentist has bad breath... Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion... he said... Alright... you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly... my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

"When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said.. Look... twins!"

"I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with. "

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. "

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."

"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. "

"One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked.

I said to the guy, Hey buddy, why are you doing that?

He said, Because you came home early."

"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. "

"I was such an ugly kid .. when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

"I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. "

"I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "

"When I was born .. the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father,

We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

"I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born. "

"Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, Do you think we'll ever find them?"

"He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

"I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. "

"I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.

My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. "

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