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Men are from Venus Women are from Mars ?
UUUUHH, DUH Does that mean we are different ?
Well just keep reading below to findout more about the following subjects.......
*"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
*"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
*"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
*"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
*"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
*"I finished the Oreos."
*"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
*"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!!"
*"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
*"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
*"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
*"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
*"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
*"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
*"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
*"Get your *own* ice cream."
*"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
*"Got milk?"
*"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
*"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
*"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam..."
*"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..."
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
M: "Is this seat empty?"
W: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."
M: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
W: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
M: "Your place or mine?"
W: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
M: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
W: "It's in the phone book."
M: "But I don't know your name."
W: "That's in the phone book too."
M: "So, what do you do for a living?" W: "I'm a female impersonator."
M: "What sign were you born under?"
W: "No Parking."
M: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
W: "STOP"
M: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
W: "Unfertilized."
M: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
W: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
M: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
W: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
M: "I know how to please a woman."
W: "Then please leave me alone."
M: "I want to give myself to you."
W: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
M: "I can tell that you want me."
W: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I want you to leave."
M: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
W: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
M: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
W: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
M: "Your body is like a temple."
W: "Sorry, there are no services today."
M: "I'd go through anything for you."
W: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
M: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
W: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
- Smart man + smart woman = romance
- Smart man + dumb woman = affair
- Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
- Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
- Smart boss + smart employee = profit
- Smart boss + dumb employee = production
- Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
- Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
- To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends¹ sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess DI's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money .
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. Also, I never have figured out how sexual desire gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she then says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?!" So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realized that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day the we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store...
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say, "OK." And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a setof diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited!
She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey.
I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey!
I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I might be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw of 2008.
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers. ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1.. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Jan van Riebeeck did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby or Cricket or Motorsports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.