southernexposure
Southern Humor
Ah dew Declare!
Southern Dialect
Things you will NEVER hear a Southerner say!
Southern Dialect
Translating Southern United States to English
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Alabama Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
AORTA - phrase. A suggestion
Useage: Aorta far that sumbich for not beatin Auburn.
MANTHEYS - phrase. A statement
Useage: Mantheys a lot of cars parked out here!
WICHYADIDYA - phrase. A question.
Useage: You didnt bring your ranch wichyadidya ?
ANENSHEATE - phrase. A statement.
Useage: I watched my fat sister eat a whole chicken anensheate a whole pie too!
Things you will NEVER hear a Southerner say!
>We don't keep firearms in this house.
>Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
>You can't feed that to the dog.
>I thought Graceland was tacky.
>No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
>Wrasslin's fake.
>Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
>We're vegetarians.
>Do you think my hair is too big?
>I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
>Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
>Who's Richard Petty?
>Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
>Deer heads detract from the decor.
>Spitting is such a nasty habit.
>I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
>Trim the fat off that steak.
>Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
>The tires on that truck are too big.
>I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
>I've got it all on a floppy disk.
>Unsweetened tea tastes better.
>Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
>My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
>I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
>Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
>Checkmate.
>She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
>Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
>Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
>I don't have a favorite college team.
>I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
>Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
>Elvis who?
Urban Cowgill Jeffrey Cowgill 2013 Contact