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Tequila Public Service Announcement
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details in side. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. Or who is wearing it down the blvd.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard and thinking you are the best dancer there.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them and ex-boyfriends.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning or e-mail because you know you express your feelings better in writing. (make sure your e-mail program has an un send feature before attempting this act.)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary and you can't remember its name.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back and areas of your body you never knew could touch the rug.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.