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Wisdom
Words of Wisdom
Dont pay attention TOO close....
Statements of Interest
Confucious Say
Thoughts for the day
Random Thoughts
Quotes of Note
Deep Thoughts
Q and A
Statements of Interest
1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
2. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas.....I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes.....I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
20. Welcome to Shit Creek-Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
21. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
23. Why is it that most nudists are the people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
26. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
Confucious Say
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Thoughts for the day
Today’s subliminal thoughts are:
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed
it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world’s population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools.
When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek,
that’s a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing something well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Random Thoughts
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo! I'd have all my money back.
Quotes of Note
Laziness is only resting before you get tired.
John Sydney
Women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences
go, it's one of the best.
Woody Allen
Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.
Uknown
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
Unknown
Never trust anything that can bleed for five days every month and live
Unknown
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Unknown
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Unknown
It's not that life is too short it's just that we're dead for such a long time.
Unknown
Go away...I'm all right.
Last words of H.G. Wells
Deep Thoughts
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired!!!!
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show
you a man who can't get his pants off!
Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is
stupid.
We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm
wonderful, or should that be I'm strange and you're wonderful?
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen
at once.
If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
Do unto others, then run.....................
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.......
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.......
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
you're still a rat.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
My Reality Check bounced.
I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You are here: X
There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
t is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell
everything you know.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to
get you................
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Q and A
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their minds ?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
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