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Explore and work through the blocks and 'resistance' to empathy. There are an amazing amount of blocks to empathy.
(see sub folders as well)
The blocks to empathy are mainly framed from an individualistic worldview. How might we also list the social blocks to empathy? Or the social blocks to a culture of empathy?
Lists of Blocks
Facebook Questions:
When talking with people, what are the blocks and obstacles to Empathic Listening?
Judgments
Shutting down, detachment, withdrawal
Diagnosing (analysis, criticism or comparison): "What's wrong with you is.."
lack of attention to what is being said
Feeling Stressed
ADVICE - I think you should....
One-upping: "That's nothing; wait'll you hear what happened to me."
Story-telling: "That reminds me of the time..."
Negative Judgments; "you're such an idiot"
Correcting: "That's not how it happened."
Sympathizing "Oh, you poor thing."
Feeling Fearfull
Blaming: "It is all your fault."
Tiredness
Problem-solving, giving unsolicited advise, trying to fix them
Education "You can learn from this...
Interrogation "How did it happen
Impatience when the person stays in story
Lack of time
Guilt tripping: "After all I did for you?"
Hearing their concern in your terms and not theirs
Positive Judgments; Praising, "you're so wonderful"
Less than compassionate connection with myself
Commiseration "He did that, what a jerk"
Perceived Time/empathy constraints
Someone Unable/Unwilling to Listen.
Ego
Attachment to a particular "formula" for empathy
Lack of empathy from speaker when roles were switched in the past
Self doubt/concerned that YOU may be judged by the other
Saying things like, 'Well, that's all in the past now."
Not knowing how to show understanding
'Grilling' the person for concrete information before they are ready
Cognitive compartmentalization
Lack of context: "what is the background from which your comments arise"?
Instead of listening, people start talking at the same time as you
Hearing words but not tone or body language.
Stubbornness on the part of the speaker frustrating true dialog
Pressure to be helpful
Refusing eye contact.
Any of the above at any given moment.
Preoccupation with own problems
Ethnocentrism -- filtering what is being said thru one's own reference point
Brain/mouth says the lie. Heart/soul/energy says the truth.
Any feeling of being separate instead of one with your higher self and each other
Compassion/ Sympathy which fosters pity instead of empathy
I hope we raise awareness to just how challenging communication is
Person experiences only action as empathic, not listening
Overwhelmed by mode of expression: raising voice, pointing finger at me, etc.
Fear that the person is complaining/reproaching me.
Our own past experiences and hurts
Trying to change the other person.
Interruptions by anxious administrators
Same but different - "sad reminders of own past"
The other person does not want to be listened
"Many of us much of the time and all of us some of the time are distracted, scattered, not truly attentive, formulating our next point while the other is speaking, drifting off, preoccupied, anxious, angry, defensive, rebutting, interpreting, judging, and so forth. We are not truly present. We have internal chatter going on. We are not one-pointed (Schuster, 1979). The receiver is partly jammed. There is static.We have anxiety, fear, guilt, worry, anger, and self-protection interfering with good contact." EXPERIENTIAL LISTENING by NEIL FRIEDMAN
Barriers to Listening Effectively
Whether listening to the instructor or fellow students, the following are a few of the barriers to hearing and processing communications:
Preoccupation. When other things are on our minds, we have difficulty listening to what is being said.
Noise. Loud or persistent noise can often interfere with our ability to hear and therefore to listen well.
Physical discomforts. We can become distracted by physical discomfort, such as pain, being too hot or too cold, feeling ill, and other discomforts that can inhibit our ability to concentrate when someone is speaking to us.
Too much information. An overload of information can make it difficult to concentrate and remember all that is being said.
Hearing problems. An inability to hear the message can clearly block our ability to listen effectively.
Boredom. Our minds can process information at a rate of about 600 words per minute, while we speak an average of between 100 and 140 words per minute. As a result, our minds have plenty of time to wander, and we can become easily bored. When this happens, we are not putting forth the concentration that effective listening requires.
Selective listening. We hear what we want to hear, picking and choosing those parts of the message that suit our purposes.
False listening. We pretend to listen, giving signals that would indicate we are listening (such as nodding our heads) while, in fact, our minds are focused on other things.
Interrupting. We often tend to cut off the end of the person's message before he or she has finished the thought. (One way to avoid this habit is to count to 10 after the speaker has stopped talking. This gives the person a chance to continue if, in fact, he or she has more to say. And it gives you practice in pausing before speaking.)
Impatient listening. We tend to prepare our response while "listening," which prevents us from fully attending to the speaker.
Source: International City-County Management Association. 1997. Active listening. Public Management, Dec 1997 v79 n12 p25(3).
Importance and Benefits of Empathy
:A few reasons why people sometimes lack empathy:
We fall victim to cognitive biases: Sometimes the way we perceive the world around us is influenced by a number of cognitive biases....
We dehumanize victims: People also fall victim to the trap of thinking that people who are different from us also don't feel and behave the same as we do...
We blame victims: Sometimes when another person has suffered through a terrible experience, people make the mistake of blaming the victim for his or her circumstances....:
THE ROADBLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION - Thomas Gordon
THE 12 ROADBLOCKS
Ordering
Warning
Moralizing
Advising
Using Logic
Criticizing
Praising
Labeling
Analyzing
Reassuring
Questioning
Avoiding
How to disagree well: 7 of the best and worst ways to argue
March 16, 2018
by PAUL RATNER
Graham came up with these seven levels of a disagreement hierarchy (DH):
DH0. Name-calling
DH1. Ad hominem
DH2. Responding to tone.
DH3. Contradiction
DH4. Counterargument
DH5. Refutation
DH6. Refuting the central point
Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding.
Chapter 5. Roadblocks to Listening
William R. Miller
"1. Directing is telling someone what to do, as if giving an order or a command. ...
2. Warning involves pointing out the risks or dangers of what a person is doing. This can also be a treat. ...
3. Advising includes making suggestions and providing solutions, usually with the intention of being helpful. ...
4. Persuading can be lecturing, arguing, giving reasons, or trying to convince with logic. ...
5. Moralizing is telling people what they should do. ...
6. Judging can take the form of blaming, criticizing, or simply disagreeing. ...
7. Agreeing usually sounds like taking sides with the person, perhaps approving or praising. ...
8. Shaming or ridiculing can include attaching a name or stereotype to what the person is saying or doing. ...
9. Analyzing offers a reinterpretation or explanation of that the person is saying or doing. ...
10. Probing asks questions to gather facts or press for more information.
11. Reassuring can sound like sympathizing or consoling. ...
12. Distracting tries to draw people away from what they are experiencing by humoring, changing the subject, or withdrawing. ..."
One-Upping -
Put-Downs -
"Committing to no fixing, advising, “saving” or correcting one another.
Everything we do is guided by this simple rule, one that honors the primacy and integrity of the inner teacher. When we are free from external judgment, we are more likely to have an honest conversation with ourselves and learn to check and correct ourselves from within" couragerenewal.org
"To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you’ve studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn’t mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what’s alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment? " Marshall Rosenberg
Top 3 Take Aways from Empathy School
"3. Avoid empathy blockers.There are a few actions to avoid if you want to make the person you are speaking with feel heard.
They are:
Silver-lining it- Looking for the “good” in a tough situation. There may be a time and place for this, but that time and place is not when someone is first confiding in you.
Being a fixer upper- Jumping right into problem solving before listening to the other party and making sure they feel heard.
Interrogating- Asking many questions of the other person before mirroring what they are stating and feeling.
Stealing the thunder- Changing the topic of conversation to your own feelings or a similar situation in your own life.
Sympathizing- Telling the other party you “feel sorry for them”. This can actually be a block to forming the bond necessary to work past conflict. Sympathy is different than empathy. Empathy is what’s required for strong relationship building.""
Distraction, Busyness, Rushing
Your Body Can Block You
Awareness of Social Distance
Avoidance of Pain
Discouraging words: Life-alienating communication
List of blocks to empathy.
"Research from teaching has shown that it is more difficult to empathize when there are differences between people including status, culture, religion, language, skin colour, gender, age and so on."
Source: Eisenberg N., Miller P. A. (1987). "The relation of empathy to prosocial and related behaviors". Psychological Bulletin 101 (1): 91–119.
“Ethnocultural empathy” assumes that empathy toward others probably increases if the other is similar to oneself in terms of ethnicity, gender, age, or cultural background.
Source: From Wang, Y. W., Davidson, M. M., Yakushko, O. F., Savoy, H. B., Tan, J. A., & Bleier, J. K. (2003). The Scale of Ethnocultural Empathy: Development, validation, and reliability. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 50(2)
Twelve common barriers to listening are outlined below (McKay, et al., 2009). In what ways and under what circumstances might these barriers interfere with your listening?
(McKay M, Davis M, Fanning P (2009) Messages: The communication skills book (3rd), New Harbinger Publications Inc.: Oakland. This book covers extensively different types of communication and includes exercises. Its techniques can be applied personally as well as professionally. )
Comparing – Comparing interferes with listening because you are constantly assessing which of you, for example, knows best. While a patient is talking, you are thinking “If you think that is hard, let me tell you how hard it actually can be.” (CARE Approach)
Mind-reading – Mind-reading pushes you to look for hidden meanings rather than to listen to what is actually being said. You might not completely trust that the patient is being open or honest about what they really want, so you shift your focus to possible hidden meanings through changes in intonation or facial expressions (CARE Approach)
Rehearsing – Rehearsing means trying to look interested while you are planning and rehearsing your response. (CARE Approach)
Filtering – You listen to some things and not others often to avoid problems. For example, if you are afraid of confrontations then you will pay attention to what mood the patient is in. If you perceive no “angry” signs then you stop listening. (CARE Approach)
Judging – Judging is often done so quickly that you often do not realise that you have done it. However, when you subconsciously label someone as being unintelligent or lazy, you tend to pay less attention to what they are saying. (CARE Approach)
Dreaming – The patient’s words trigger your own associations and you go off in a day dream. When you continue to listen, the patient is talking about something else, leaving you with a gap in their story. (CARE Approach)
Identifying – Whatever the other person says can trigger memories of similar experiences and before you know it, you have interrupted the other person's flow in order to tell your story or started to think about your own experiences. Meanwhile you stop paying attention to the other person’s story. (CARE Approach)
Advising – You are keen to fix the patient’s problems and are ready with advice, reassurance and suggestions after only hearing a few sentences. You like to start your reply with “If I were you, I would…” However, whilst searching for advice you could be missing what the real problem is. (CARE Approach)
Sparring – Regardless what the other person says you start to look for issues to disagree and argue about. A common example is to make sarcastic comments to dismiss the patient’s point of view (the so-called put-down). (CARE Approach)
Being right – You will go to great lengths in order to try to prove that you are right, thereby using tactics such as making up excuses, talking over the other person in a loud voice or twisting the facts. (CARE Approach)
Derailing – As soon as you feel out of your comfort zone or bored you change the topic of the conversation, make a joke or banter in order to prevent any further discomfort. Meanwhile you stopped paying attention to the other person’s story. (CARE Approach)
Placating – You want to please and be nice regardless of the situation. You use words like, “of course you are”, “absolutely”, “really”, and find yourself unwittingly agreeing with everything they say. (CARE Approach)
5 ‘Anti-Empathy’ Traps That Are Blocking You From True Connection
by Kate McCombs
Being seen and heard is one of my favorite experiences. There’s nothing quite like that moment where you feel like someone is totally listening and making space for your feels. It’s empathy in action...
Here are the five classic anti-empathy strategies.
1. Advice
It looks like: “You really should talk to HR about that right now.”...
2. Comparison
It looks like: “I totally understand what you must be going through with your grandmother’s death. My dog died last year and I was so sad.”...
3. Cure Evangelism
It looks like: “Oh my God, Kate. Have you tried essential oils for your migraines?”...
4. Cheering up
It looks like: “The best way to get over a disappointment like this is to go have fun. Let’s go to this party!”..
5. Sympathy
It looks like: “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Oh, God I feel so bad.”.."
I Don't Feel Your Pain: Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy
by David F. Swink
"Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy
Roadblock 1 - Not Paying Attention
Mirror neurons kick in strongest when we observe a person’s emotions. We see facial expressions, eye expressions, body position, and gestures. We may lackmotivation to pay attention to a person or we may be too distracted by our own thoughts or by other things around us while we are multi-tasking...
Roadblock 2 - Feeling the emotion of the other person but not knowing how or when to communicate empathetically...
Roadblock 3 - Not feeling the same emotion of the other person but knowing intellectually that you need to communicate empathetically. This is known as cognitive empathy. .."
Fear of Empathy: because fear of Intimacy
Hedgehogs in therapy. Empathy and insecure attachment in emotion-focused therapy by Marijke Baljon
"Not all clients respond positively to an empathic, validating relationship. They withdraw from contact, because emotional intimacy frightens them. This can be explained by insecure attachment, which can result in fragile experience."
References
Family Peer Support Buddy Program, BC Partners for Mental Heath and Addictions Page 12:
"There are modes of communication which can block interaction and understanding. These blocks must be avoided if effective helping is to occur. The most common blocks are:"
Phases of the Moon, Maine NVC Network Newsletter
Emotions are Not Bad Behavior, Robin Grille
Compassionate Communication And Empathy’s Awakening, John Cunningham
Empathy: Foundation of Emotional Health
Solving the problem.
Empathy: Foundation of Emotional Health
Trying to change the feeling or cheer the person up.
Empathy: Foundation of Emotional Health
Arguing with the feeling.
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