Chapter Nine
February 5, 2011
The ringing of the bell startled Haley. Dropping the cloth she was using to clean the inside of one of the kitchen drawers, she went over to the front door and looked through the peep hole. She released a heavy sigh when she saw Nathan standing there. The fact the intercom hadn't buzzed meant that some do-gooder must have let him in through the main entrance. Damn them!
"I know you're in there, Haley, so you might as well open the door 'cause I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm busy," she called back.
"I'm sure you can take a break from whatever you're doing for ten minutes."
Looking down at herself, she knew she looked a mess dressed in an old pair of grey sweats and her Tar Heels T-shirt. Her hair was piled high into a messy bun and she wasn't wearing any make-up. Great, just great, she thought.
"C'mon, Hales... please."
"Fine," she mumbled, removing the chain from the door and then opening it. "What do you want?"
"I want to talk," Nathan told her.
"Is that right? Well, when I wanted to talk to you before you didn't want to so maybe I don't want to talk to you anymore." She knew she sounded like a petulant child but she didn't particularly care. He deserved it. Especially after the things he'd said to her that night at his apartment.
"Look, I'm sorry..."
"I am so tired of hearing you say that, Nathan. Sorry is not going to cut it any more; I need to know what the hell is going on with you. This hot and cold thing is getting old. I think you've made things pretty clear. I just wish you would've told me that you didn't want to be with me. I'm a big girl and can handle the truth."
"That's… that's not it at all. I do want to be with you, Haley. So much."
"You've got a funny way of showing it," she muttered under her breath.
"And about the other night… what I said to you… I'm so sorry. It was unforgivable and I hated myself for saying but—"
"Then why did you? Look, I know something's wrong and I think it's about time you told me exactly what it is. Please, Nathan. I think I deserve to know the truth."
"You do. I'm just… I'm scared," he admitted, his voice not much more than a whisper.
"Of what?" Tentatively, she took a couple of steps forward and closed the physical distance between them. Without thinking about what she was doing, she raised her arm and cupped his cheek in her palm. She could see the turmoil clearly etched on his face and even though he had hurt her, she couldn't help but try and offer him some comfort.
Nathan closed his eyes, savoring the feel and warmth of her skin. Opening them again a moment later, he saw the look of concern etched upon her pretty features which was a stark contrast to how she had looked the last time he had seen her. "I'm scared that telling you will change your opinion of me."
"Not knowing is kind of already doing that. Whatever you tell me, I promise I'll do my best to keep an open mind."
Lowering his head, he rested his forehead against hers. "Okay."
Nuzzling her nose against his, she found his lips and kissed him gently. "C'mon," she said, taking his hand in hers and leading him away from the door and into the living room.
"Where's Lindsey?"
"She's gone away with Josh for the weekend. Some spa resort a couple of hours away."
"Right."
"So you can take your time telling me about what's been bothering you. There's absolutely no rush."
He nodded, swallowing past the lump in his throat. The coward in him had kind of hoped that Lindsey would be due back soon so he could've used it as a reason for postponing their talk.
Noticing his nervousness, Haley squeezed his hand and gestured for him to take a seat on the couch. Before doing the same, she asked, "Would you like something to drink before we start?"
"Uh… yeah, some coffee would be great," he replied, knowing he was really just stalling for time.
"Okay," she said, giving him what she hoped was a reassuring smile and lightly patting his shoulder before she left the room.
While she was gone, Nathan thought about how he was going to begin. Should he start with what happened eighteen months ago or go even further back… to those nightmare months following his injury. His mind was a mess and he wasn't lying when he told Haley he was scared… he was terrified. These past few months with her… getting to know her again… slowly falling in love with her… had been amazing, save for his assy behavior, of course. He knew that unless and until he told her everything he wouldn't be able to move forward with her and that there would come a point where she would tire of his excuses and kick him to the curb and he would only have himself to blame for it. Hell, he was tired of coming up with those damn excuses when all he wanted was to be with her completely.
"Here you go," Haley said several minutes later, setting a tray down onto the coffee table which was located in front of the couch. Handing him the black coffee she'd already doctored with a spoonful of sugar, she picked up her own mug which contained her favorite raspberry fruit tea and took a seat beside him. "I brought us some chocolate chip cookies, too."
"Thanks." Holding the mug securely between his hands, he brought it up to his lips and took a careful sip of the hot liquid before he forced himself to start talking.
"Okay... So, uh, about a year-and-a-half ago, I went home for Luke and Peyton's wedding. I stayed there for about a week; celebrating with them, hanging out with the family for a while and catching up with some old friends. It was when I got back to California that everything changed." He paused as the memories of that early Friday evening came flooding back… not that they were ever that far away from the surface.
Watching him, Haley noticed the dark circles around his eyes and the haunted look he wore. She'd seen little glimpses of that look from time to time ever since their reunion four months ago but today it seemed much more visible and evident. His appearance wasn't anything like the well together look she was used to seeing on him; his clothing was creased and crumpled and he looked as if he hadn't shaved for a few days.
"By the time I got home from the airport it was a little after six pm. I let myself into the apartment and it was quiet which wasn't unusual. Matt... that's my roommate, he often didn't arrive home from work until after eight, sometimes later if he was going out with his girlfriend. Anyway, I headed for my room to drop my bags and figured I'd take a shower. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary..." he said, trailing off.
The silence lingered and Haley didn't know what to say. Like she'd told him, there was no rush but she would be lying if she said she wasn't growing ever more curious. She was about to open her mouth when Nathan began talking again.
"Before I hopped in the shower I decided to go and grab a drink and when I walked into the kitchen... th-that's when I found her."
Nathan's eyes fell shut and he was immediately transported to that night, the coppery smell of blood hitting his nostrils, making him feel like he wanted to throw up. He saw her lying curled up in a fetal position in the corner of the room, her body shaking with silent sobs.
"Found who?" Haley whispered, her hand reaching out to take his free one in hers.
"Sasha... Matt's girlfriend," he told her, coming back to the present. "She... she'd been beaten... badly."
"Oh God, Nathan."
"I walked into the kitchen and there she was... cowering in the corner. I couldn't see her face at first... but when she looked up at me... I-I hardly recognized her."
The sight of her battered and bruised face, her right eye swollen shut... even though her hair was dark he'd still been able to see that it was matted with blood. He took a deep breath, trying to quell the wave of nausea that suddenly washed over him.
"We can take a break," Haley told him, inching closer to him. She desperately wanted to hear the whole story but she didn't want to push him.
Nathan shook his head. "No... it's fine. I just, it might take me a while to get it all out."
"Okay," she said, "just do it in your own time. I'm not going anywhere."
Yet, he thought. Taking another drink of his slowly cooling coffee, he continued. "I didn't know what to do. I remember saying her name but she didn't seem to hear me so I took a step closer and crouched in front of her and she must've thought I was whoever had done that to her 'cause she starting saying 'no, no, no... please don't hurt me again' over and over."
He recalled the panic he'd felt in that moment, thinking that if one of his neighbors heard her that he could be held responsible for whatever had happened to her but he decided against telling Haley that piece of information.
"I told her that it was me... Nathan... that I wasn't going to hurt her; that I was going to call an ambulance but that made her cry harder and I didn't know what to do. I asked her what she wanted me to do but all she did was shake her head. When I told her I'd call Matt that... that's when she really started freaking out."
Feeling the tremors in her boyfriend's hand, Haley set down her mug onto the table before managing to prize away his own which he was holding onto with a vice-like grip. She had a feeling she knew what he was about to tell her and her heart broke for him. "Did he..."
"Yeah," he nodded, his eyes filling with tears. "My roommate... the guy I'd met at college and known for years had done that to his own girlfriend. You see things on TV... in the movies and you brush it off; it's just make believe and make-up but when you see something like that in real life... you smell the blood that seems to be everywhere... it stays with you no matter how much you want to forget.
It was three days before she could open her right eye and it took several more days for the doctors to ascertain that there was no permanent damage to it. As well as her eye, she had a concussion from where her head had been bashed against the wall and two cracked ribs. He'd repeatedly kicked her while she was curled up on the kitchen floor."
Brushing away the tears rolling down her own cheeks, Haley asked, "Didn't any of the neighbors hear anything?"
"No," he answered. "Our nearest neighbor is a journalist and she was away on assignment and the couple who live below us weren't back from work yet."
"So, uh, between finding her and her being in the hospital... what did you do?"
Nathan remembered the utter helplessness he felt. He didn't know where the hell Matt was and, right then, he didn't want to know. Sasha's reaction to his roommate's name had pretty much told him who had done this to her but, for the life of him, he couldn't understand why. The guy had always been so easygoing and he'd seemed so happy for the past year that he'd been with Sasha.
"Nathan?"
"Sorry," he murmured, rubbing his thumb along the back of Haley's hand. "I knew she needed medical attention so I went into the living room to call for an ambulance. It was when I was in there that I noticed it was messier than usual... I hadn't noticed it when I'd first walked in. One of the corner lamps was on the floor as were a couple of the couch cushions. When I told the dispatcher Sasha had been attacked I knew they'd automatically notify the police and less than half an hour later the paramedics arrived followed by the cops."
Running his palm over his face, he released an exhausted sigh. The police's questions had been relentless and he'd started to worry that they thought he was the person responsible for the attack. Thankfully, though, Sasha had told the female paramedic who had been tending to her that her boyfriend had done it. He'd never felt more relieved in his life.
"After I gave a statement to the cops and told them as much as I could about Matt and where I thought they might find him, I went to the hospital. I didn't know if she'd want me there but I... I thought maybe there'd be something I could do to help."
"Was there?"
"No. The police called her family but I stayed there anyway just in case she needed anything, especially since I knew her parents lived on the other side of the country and it'd take them a while to arrive. I think the main reason I stayed though was because I didn't want to go back to the apartment."
"That's understandable."
He went quiet again. Another reason he hadn't wanted to go back home was Matt. He didn't think the guy would go back there, not after what he'd done but Nathan hadn't wanted to risk it. The thought of his friend... a person he'd known since his freshman year of college when they'd been paired together as roommates, doing something like that... it was too much to fathom but doing it to the girl he'd said he was in love with... None of it had made any sense whatsoever.
"I must've started to doze off 'cause the next thing I know I'm being shaken awake and when I opened my eyes there's a nurse standing there telling me Sasha wanted to see me which I wasn't expecting."
Nathan hadn't realized he was crying until Haley reached up to brush away a tear and he ducked his head, even though he knew he didn't need to feel embarrassed with her.
"Even though they'd cleaned her up she... she still looked bad. Her face was so swollen and I-I could hardly look at her. It was taking everything in me not to turn and run but I took a seat on the chair beside her bed and just sat with her in silence. She started to talk... and she... she sounded so broken. I'd never heard anyone's voice sound like that... so devoid of emotion."
"She told you what happened?"
He nodded slowly. "Yes," he managed to reply, his voice thick with tears. "She told me everything and I felt sick. The way she talked about Matt... it was like she was talking about a stranger and not the guy I'd known for the past eight years."
Everything Sasha had told him... it got worse the more she talked. The things Matt had said to her... the names he'd called her as he punched and then, later, kicked her while she'd lain defenseless on the ground.
He'd thought that was the worse it could get but... he was wrong.
Looking up at Haley, he could barely see her through his tears. "He... he didn't just beat her," he finally whispered, choking on a sob.
"Oh God, no." She didn't need him to elaborate, she understood what he was referring to and leaning forward, she took him into her arms and hugged him tightly.
"How could he have done something like that? They'd been together for a year and from the way he talked about her... I-I was sure he'd end up marrying her. How could he go from being that person to someone who could do something so... so vicious? I just... I'll never understand it."
Even after the trial, he was still clueless as to why his former best friend had done what he did that day to a person he'd claimed to love. It was after the trial had been over and Matt had been sentenced that Nathan had felt the need to move to the other side of the country for some kind of fresh start. Los Angeles held far too many bad memories for his liking.
"Let's leave it there for today," she suggested, her heart aching for him and for Sasha. She could barely begin to imagine what the young woman must have gone through at the hands of the man she'd loved.
"No, I-I haven't even scratched the surface, Haley," he told her. "You deserve to know everything... to know why I've been acting the way I have."
Cradling his cheek in her palm, she brushed her lips over his, tasting the saltiness of his tears. "It can wait until tomorrow, okay. There's plenty of time," she soothed, her fingers lightly caressing the back of his neck.
"Does that mean you want me to go?" he asked.
"What? No, of course not. I was going to ask you if you wanted to stay here tonight," she said, quickly adding, "the couch pulls out into a bed." Knowing how he tended to make excuses whenever things became too intimate between them, she didn't want to give him the wrong idea and have him run out on her, particularly given his current state.
"You wouldn't mind me crashing here?"
"I wouldn't mind at all. I'd actually be glad of the company what with Lindsey being away." She figured he might be more willing to stay if he thought he was doing her a favor.
"Okay," he said, gracing her with a smile, albeit a slightly shaky one. "Uh, is it okay if I took a shower?"
"Sure. There are clean towels on the shelf in the bathroom and just help yourself to anything you need in there."
"Thanks, Haley." Tangling his fingers in her hair, he gently cupped the back of her head and held her steady as he closed the gap between them and kissed her softly.
"You're welcome. While you're in there I'll make us something to eat. Blueberry pancakes sound okay to you?"
Nathan nodded but, at the same time, he said, "I don't want you to go to any trouble."
Popping a kiss into his lips, she told him, "It's no trouble at all."
Running his thumb along her cheekbone, his smile was a little brighter this time.
Haley watched as he pushed himself up off the couch and headed in the direction of the bathroom. When she heard the click of the door being closed, she closed her eyes and released a quiet sigh. It was good that he was finally starting to talk to her about what was going on with him but she couldn't help feeling nervous about what was still to come, especially considering he'd said he hadn't yet scratched the surface. The part about him being scared it – whatever it was – would change her opinion of him was of particular concern.
It was probably for the best that she didn't think about it too much... One of the traits she disliked about herself was her propensity to over-think things and blow them up out of proportion. She could only hope and pray that what he had left to tell her wasn't too bad... somehow though, she didn't think she would be that lucky.
* * * * *
By the time they had eaten and then washed the dishes, it was getting late. The comfortable silence they had enjoyed during dinner had given way to a slight feeling of awkwardness as the night drew nearer.
Going to the hall closet, Haley retrieved a couple of spare pillows, a sheet and a comforter, taking them over to the couch where Nathan was in the process of unfolding it. She helped him pull the mattress part out completely before beginning to make up the bed for him.
"You don't have to do that, Hales," he told her.
Smiling up at him, she replied, "I want to." Truthfully, she wanted something to occupy herself with. It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him he could share her bed but she didn't want to spook him and have him running for the door. "Uh... can I get you a glass of water?"
"I'm fine, thanks, but I can get it myself if I do want one. You don't have to be running around after me."
"I know," she said, laughing softly though it sounded false to her own ears. "Okay, so... uh, I'm going to go to bed... to sleep, I mean."
Nathan couldn't help the smirk that crept onto his face. Taking her hands in his, he stilled their fidgeting. "You're adorable when you're flustered," he told her, ducking his head to rest his forehead against hers.
She blushed at hearing his words.
"I love it when you blush," he whispered.
Haley felt his hot breath on her skin and she desperately wanted to kiss him... to feel his mouth against hers, kissing her long, slow and deep. She was about to press her lips against his when she remembered all the times lately when they would be in the middle of an intense make-out session and he'd suddenly pull back, giving her some dumb excuse about needing to cut things short and that he'd call her the next day. She couldn't deal with the same thing happening tonight so she took the initiative this time and drew away from him.
"I'll see you in the morning, Nathan," she said, reaching up to lightly stroke his cheek. "Try to get some rest."
"Haley?"
She heard the confusion in his voice but she didn't say anything in response; she simply gave him a soft smile before retreating to her bedroom, quietly closing the door behind her and leaning against the hard wood, her eyes falling shut.
In the living room, Nathan wondered what he'd said or done to have her running away from him. As he stripped down to his boxers and his white undershirt, he started thinking about what he still had to tell her. Better get used to her not being around, buddy, he told himself. Once Haley knew everything he knew there was every chance she wouldn't want to be anywhere near him.
Climbing into the pull-out bed, he punched his pillow a couple of times before laying down on his side. He had a feeling he wasn't going to be getting much sleep tonight.
* * * * *
Checking her alarm clock for what felt like the hundredth time, Haley saw it was only five past two. Only ten minutes had passed since the last time she'd looked at it though it had felt like an hour. Pushing herself up into a seated position, her back against the headboard, she reached over and switched on her lamp. She frowned when she realized she'd forgotten to bring in a glass of water like she usually did which kind of irked her when she remembered that she'd offered to get Nathan one.
As she got out of her nice warm bed, she wondered if he was asleep. Having slept on the sofa bed a few times, she knew it wasn't the most comfortable piece of furniture. She hoped he was getting some rest... Lord knew he looked like he needed a good night's sleep.
After pulling on her peach colored jersey robe, she quietly opened her door and crept quietly through the apartment to the kitchen. Passing the living room, she glanced in and froze when she noticed Nathan wasn't lying in bed but, instead, was standing looking out of the window. He didn't appear to have noticed her in the doorway and she debated whether or not to keep moving.
As if there was going to be much of a debate, she mused as she entered the room and walked towards him. "Nathan?"
"Hey," he whispered, his eyes not leaving the window.
"I thought you'd be asleep."
"I could say the same about you," he told her, turning and giving her a half-smile.
"I forgot to get myself a glass of water."
"Ah."
"Are you... okay?" Haley asked, hesitantly placing her hand on his forearm.
"Not really." Looking back out of the window, he ran his fingers through his already mussed hair.
"Wh—"
"Maybe you were right when you said that we shouldn't be together," he said so quietly that Haley had to strain to hear him properly.
"What? Nathan..." Her eyes instantly filled with tears as she stared up at him, her mouth open in shock.
"I'm a mess and... it's not fair on you. I-I should never have gotten involved with you and dragged you into all of this. The day we bumped into each other in the coffee shop... I shouldn't have called you afterwards. It would've been best in the long run."
Haley hated the detached tone she could hear in his voice. It didn't sound like him at all. "I'm glad you called me," she told him.
"I-I'm glad I did, too but I shouldn't have done... I knew it then and I know it now. You deserve so much better than a fuck-up like me."
Wrapping her fingers around his bicep, she jerked him around to face her. "You are not a fuck-up!" she said vehemently.
Nathan laughed but the sound was hollow. "Yes, I am. If you knew what I was like in college... what I was still like up to eighteen months ago... you'd be the first one to agree with me."
"If it's anything like what you were like in high school, then—"
"Compared to this I was a saint in high school."
"Nathan..."
"I did drugs!" he suddenly exclaimed and he saw the look of shock that instantly appeared on her face. "After my accident... I-I started taking drugs and I'm not talking about the prescription kind."
Haley's hold on him loosened and her arm fell limply to her side. Her mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing came out.
"There was a period of about four months between the accident happening and my dad coming down to Duke and dragging my ass home that... I'm not proud of," he told her. "I was partying harder than I ever had before; drinking, screwing around... and then one night I was offered some Ecstasy and whereas in the past I always turned it down... this time I didn't. I figured I'd already lost basketball and didn't need to worry now about the prospects of random drug testing after games so I might as well cut loose and numb the pain... the constant pain I felt."
"Didn't the doctors gi—"
"I'm not talking about the physical pain," he cut in.
She nodded, her fingers toying with the gold ring she wore on her pinkie; something she always did when she was nervous or anxious. Right now, she was both.
Turning back to the window, Nathan leaned his forehead against the cool glass. "After that," he continued, "I did it a lot... several times a week."
Haley was scared to ask but she needed to know. "Was it just Ecstasy?"
"No," he stated. "I, uh, tried GHB and then... later I dabbled with cocaine."
"God... Nathan." She wasn't naïve enough to think he'd never ever tried drugs but to know that he did it during such a low period in his life... it frightened her so much. She said a silent prayer to whoever was listening that they'd looked over him and kept him safe.
"I'm not proud of it," he said, still not looking at her.
Her fingers burned with the need to touch him again but she willed herself not to. "What made you stop?"
This was the part she needed to hear but, ironically, the part he didn't want to tell her. The part he was petrified about telling her.
"Nathan?" Lacing her fingers with his, she rubbed her thumb back and forth along his knuckles.
"I started having blackouts," he began. "The first time, I woke up and I couldn't remember a thing about the night before. If it wasn't for a friend who was our group's designated driver telling me what he'd seen me getting up to I still probably wouldn't know. Then next time—"
"You didn't stop after the blackout?"
Nathan shook his head. "No." Even though he'd been so scared at not being able to remember anything... it hadn't stopped him from going out a few nights later and doing the same shit. "I... thought maybe I'd just overdone it or something. That if I was more careful with how much I took... how much I drank, that maybe it'd be okay."
"And was it?" she asked, even though she already knew the answer.
"No. A couple of weeks later the same thing happened. I woke up in some gir..." He stopped abruptly and rubbed the back of his neck.
"You woke up in some girl's bed and?" Haley finished for him.
"I, uh... I saw that she had bruises around her wrists and upper arms."
"You think she got them from you?"
"I don't just think... I know 'cause she told me. She... um..."
Haley understood why he was hesitating to tell her about this part so she said, "You don't need to sidestep around it, Nathan. I do know you've had sex before so just tell me."
"Okay... uh, I was getting out of her bed... trying not to wake her when all of a sudden she turns over and wraps her arms around me from behind. She, uh, told me she'd never... had it that rough before but that she'd liked it a lot. I felt sick... all these scenarios were playing through my head and I just... I had to get out of there."
He was relieved to find Haley was still holding his hand and bringing it up to his face, he held it against his cheek.
"You didn't force her, Nathan."
"Maybe not but who's to say I wouldn't have if she'd resisted my advances? I wasn't in control of myself and anything could've happened while I was under the influence."
"So, did that incident make you stop taking drugs?"
"Yeah, but I was still partying hard and to compensate for not doing any more drugs I started to drink even more heavily. The hangovers were bad... I was skipping classes and my life was just spiraling out of control. I ignored calls from Luke and my parents... I don't know if it was Luke or the college calling him but my Dad suddenly turned up at my door one morning and gave me this look that I will never forget."
He'd been used to seeing Dan Scott looking at him with disappointment, especially in those early years, but that morning it had been a million times worse. He hadn't been able to look the older man in his eyes.
"What did he say?"
"'Pack up your shit, son, 'cause you're coming home with me'," he said, mimicking his father's voice.
Haley tried not to but she couldn't help the giggle that escaped.
"I wish I could've laughed at the time," he teased her. "It took me a while to admit it but I was relieved to see someone familiar... someone who could maybe take control of everything 'cause I was so tired of it all. Anyway, I packed a bag and then he told me to take a shower 'cause he didn't want me stinking up his car and I don't know... I just broke down. Pathetic, huh?" he said, looking away.
"It's not pathetic, baby," she told him before curiosity got the better of her and she asked, "What did Dan do, then?"
"I think he didn't know what to do at first. He just stared at me and then, the next thing I know, I'm being pulled into a hug and I'm hugging him back. Before that day, I couldn't have told you the last time he'd ever hugged me."
When she saw the smile on his face, she couldn't help but smile as well. Gently tugging on his arm, she said, "C'mon, let's go and sit down."
Nathan let her lead him over to the sofa bed and he bit his lip as she climbed into it and then rearranged the comforter. He knew they were just going to be talking but this would be the first time they'd ever been in a bed together. Following her lead, he got in too and then leaned back against the pillows.
"Was that when things with your dad started getting better?" Haley asked. She was lying on her side, her head propped up in her hand watching his profile.
Turning his face towards her, he chuckled. "Let's just say they were better than they'd previously been but once I was back home, we still butted heads like crazy. He went nuts when he found out exactly what I'd been doing since I injured my wrist." Seeing her look of curiosity, he said, "I was the one who told him. I figured if I wanted to clean up my act I needed to start being honest."
He remembered wishing he hadn't told him after his father chewed him out for what felt like weeks for his "reckless behavior".
"Wow!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah," he said, smirking. "What was I thinking, right?"
"I think you did the right thing," she told him.
"Looking back, I know I did but at the time I thought I was the stupidest ass on the planet for telling Dan Scott that I'd been messing around with drugs and blacking out as a result of it."
Haley twirled a lock of hair around her finger, her eyes leaving his face to stare down at the pattern on the comforter. "Uh... did you tell him about that girl and the... bruises on her?"
"No. I thought it was probably best not to after his reaction to the other stuff. The blackouts were a wake-up call, you know. I took it as my body's way of telling me I was heading for big trouble if I didn't stop what I was doing."
Her gaze still didn't meet his and she fiddled with her ring for long moments, wondering whether or not she should ask him the question on her lips.
"Hales?" Shifting over onto his side, he placed his pointer finger beneath her chin and tilted her face up slightly so she was looking at him.
"What?"
"If you want to know something you can ask me, okay?" he said, recognizing the look on her face and guessing what was on her mind.
"Yeah, I know," she lied.
"So is there something you want to know?"
She was about to shake her head no when she decided otherwise and, instead, gave a small nod.
"Go ahead, shoot."
She swallowed thickly. "I meant what I said earlier about not wanting to rush you but... I was just wondering... what does this have to do with you not wanting to... be intimate with me? I mean, this happened in college and you said you cleaned up your act when your dad got involved and—"
"I didn't clean it up exactly..." he mumbled, interrupting her. "Yes, I stopped taking any drugs but when I went back to college I, uh... kind of fell back into the party lifestyle for a while and carried on drinking and... uh..."
"Screwing around?"
Nathan lowered his head. "Yeah."
She sighed. "What were you thinking? Did you really just blame the drugs you took for the blackouts and your more-erratic-than-usual behavior?"
He could feel the disappointment rolling off of her in waves. "Yes," he simply stated.
"So tell me, did you have any more blackouts?"
"No, I didn't have any more."
"Thank God for that," she whispered more to herself than to him.
"I'm not perfect, Haley... that's something I've never claimed to be."
"I know and I don't need you to be perfect. I just... I need you to be safe... to be careful." As he was telling her all of these things about his past, Haley couldn't help feeling somewhat relieved that they hadn't been close during that period of his life. She didn't think she would've been able to stand by and see him self-destruct though she knew she would've tried everything she could to help him.
"When Sasha was attacked... it sent me reeling and, afterwards, I started looking back at my life... at the things I'd done." Rolling onto his back, he folded his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. "I've never forced a girl to do anything she hasn't wanted to do... at least I know I haven't when I've been sober. But... I started thinking about those times when I was high or drunk off my ass... I have no idea what I got up to during those periods.... during the blackouts. Even now, there are still gaps in my memories."
"Nathan... I know you, okay. I know you wouldn't—"
"How do you know? You weren't there, Haley... you didn't see what I was like. How out of control I was."
She didn't know what to say to that. He was right, she wasn't there. The girl he woke up next to with the bruised wrists... he'd said he couldn't remember doing that yet she'd told him he'd been the one to do it to her.
Closing his eyes, he quietly said, "I-I haven't been with anyone since Sasha was attacked."
Haley's eyes widened at his statement. Eighteen months... he hadn't been intimate with anyone for well over a year. Wow! She definitely hadn't been expecting him to say that.
"Now do you understand what kind of a fuck-up I am?" he said and then, lowering his voice, added, "You'd be better off without me."
"No, I wouldn't," she told him firmly. Inching closer to him, she rested her head on his shoulder and placed her hand in the centre of his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath her palm. She desperately wanted to say the three words she'd been feeling for a while but she forced herself not to. She knew he wouldn't believe her if she said them now and that he would just think she was doing it out of some sense of pity or obligation. When she felt his arm wrap around her a few moments later she wanted to weep with happiness; that despite his words he wasn't physically pushing her away.
"The other night when I came to see you... it-it killed me to tell you I thought we shouldn't be together anymore. I thought maybe it would push you into talking to me but when it didn't and you said—"
"I'm so sorry for that, Hales. I didn't mean it and I guess I was just... trying to save you from me before you got in even deeper."
Inching in even closer, she said, "I'm already in deep and I don't want that to change."
"I think you're a glutton for punishment," he murmured, glancing down at her.
Tipping her head back, she nuzzled her lips against his jaw. "I just know a good thing when I see it," she whispered.
Nathan bit back his retort and, instead, reveled in the warmth of her petite body which was pressing into his side. "I don't deserve you." His hand covered hers which was still resting on his chest.
"Yes, you do."
As he watched her, her eyes getting heavy with sleep, he couldn't help wishing he was a better person. He felt like he wasn't worthy enough of her. He wondered what she'd say when he told her that this was the first proper relationship he had been in. That the longest he'd ever dated anyone for had been one measly month and it had been more of a fling than an actual relationship.
Reaching down, he managed to grab the corner of the comforter and he pulled the soft fabric over the both of them, tucking it in around Haley and making sure she was covered. Pressing a kiss into the top of her head, he snuggled into her and his last conscious thought before he drifted off was how easily he could get used to having her fall asleep in his arms.
* * * * *
The smell of frying bacon woke Haley up the next morning and it took her a few seconds to realize she wasn't lying in her own bed. Sitting herself up, she ran a hand through her messy hair, hoping that she didn't look too dreadful. Pushing back the comforter, she climbed out of the pull-out bed and stretched her arms above her head. It had been a while since she'd slept out here and she'd almost forgotten how uncomfortable the thing could be.
"Good morning."
Nathan's voice startled her and she jumped, spinning around to face him and, for some reason, she blushed when she saw his smirking face. "Uh... morning."
"I hope you don't mind but I made breakfast." He tried not to but he couldn't stop himself looking her up and down. She'd taken off the robe sometime during the night so all she wore now was a pair of baby blue sleep shorts and a loose fitting white T-shirt. Even with no make-up on and her hair a tangled mass of blonde curls, she looked incredible.
"I don't mind," she told him. Tucking an errant curl behind her ear, she asked, "Did you sleep okay?"
"Yeah, I think I managed to get a few hours in. How 'bout you?"
"The same. I woke up hot as hell in my robe so I took it off and then fell straight back to sleep."
"Good," he said, smiling. "Do you want something to eat?"
"I'm fine for now, thanks. I think I'll take a shower and then eat something."
"Okay." He shifted from foot to foot. "Uh, would you like me to leave?"
Haley looked at him, a confused expression etched upon her face. "No, why would I?"
"I just... I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"I'm not." Hesitantly, she walked over to where he was standing and she slid her arms up his chest, linking her fingers behind his neck. "What you told me last night doesn't change how I feel about you, Nathan."
"Maybe it should," he countered. His hands burned with the need to touch her but he forced himself not to.
Haley inwardly sighed. The boy was too stubborn for his own good. "Look, I'm not condoning your behavior but you're not that person anymore."
Nathan focused his gaze on the wall behind her. "Up until eighteen months ago I hadn't changed all that much," he told her. "Sure, I'd calmed down a lot but..."
"But what?" she prompted.
"But I was still screwing around."
"Oh..."
"Yeah, oh. I'd go to bars and clubs with friends or co-workers and end up going home with someone I'd picked up that night."
While she wasn't exactly happy hearing this stuff, Haley still didn't see why he was beating himself up over this or what it had to do with their relationship. It wasn't as if he was the only twenty-something doing that kind of thing.
Watching his face, she hated the look of self-loathing he wore. "Nathan," she whispered, cupping his cheek.
"This is my first proper relationship," he quietly confessed, his eyes meeting hers. "Everything before you has been a... a one-night-stand or a fling."
"Wow," was all she managed to say. After everything he'd told her last night and in the early hours of the morning, she'd suspected he hadn't had many long-term relationships but to find out he hadn't had any... it was kind of a shock.
"I'm not proud of it... I want you to know that."
"You didn't want a relationship with any of those women?" Haley asked him, curious to know the answer.
"No," he stated, hesitating briefly before he admitted, "I know you probably won't believe me when I say this but you're the first and only girl I've wanted something more with."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Then why haven't you tried getting me into bed?" Her face felt flaming hot as she asked the question and she lowered her gaze to stare at the floor.
"Because I didn't want to taint you," he said quietly.
"What?"
Taking one of her hands in his, Nathan brought it up to his mouth and pressed a kiss onto her knuckles. "You're so good... so innocent an—"
"I'm not that innocent," she interjected.
"Compared to me you are," he told her.
"You still see as that innocent little fifteen-year-old, don't you?"
He gave a small nod of his head. "Yeah, I guess in a way I do."
"Well, you need to stop that," Haley said, smiling. "We're not in high school anymore and, believe me, I'm far from innocent."
"Is that so?" he asked, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Swatting his shoulder, she said, "Shut up!"
His laughter faded and his face turned serious again. "I know my actions told you otherwise but you don't know how much I wanted you, Haley. How much I still want you."
Wrapping her arms around his neck again, Haley pushed herself up onto her tiptoes. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Resting his forehead against hers, he let his eyes fall shut. "I just feel like I'm not worthy of you... like I'm going to somehow eventually destroy your goodness or, at the very least, break your heart and I... I couldn't bear it if I did that to you."
"Nathan..." She peppered his face with butterfly kisses before finally ending up at his lips. Her fingers combed through his hair as she tilted her head and deepened the kiss. "You're a good person, baby. Those things in your past... they don't make you a horrible person or in any way defective. You need to start believing that."
"You make me want to believe it," he told her, banding his arms around her waist and pulling her in even closer.
Haley smiled shyly at him. Burying her face in the crook of his shoulder, she breathed him in. She finally knew the truth and while parts of what he'd told her had shocked and surprised her... she didn't think any less of him for any of it. It was a part of his past but, like she had told him, it didn't define him. Ever since they had gotten back in touch, she had seen more than enough signs to show her just what kind of man Nathan had grown up into and so what if he'd made some mistakes. She was sure that if his fears about what he may have gotten up to while he was under the influence were true that he would have known somehow; either from a gut feeling or by the other person having contacted the authorities to report him.
She hated that all these years later those few months of college were still plaguing him and that he was letting his former best friend's behavior affect him like this.
Nathan had always been a love-'em-and-leave-'em type back in high school and while she wasn't surprised to learn he'd been the same way during college, she had to admit she was shocked to find out that their relationship was his first. It was probably twisted to feel even a tiny bit flattered at his confession that she was the only one he'd ever wanted something deeper with.
"Hales?"
The sound of his voice brought her back to the present and gently drawing back from him, Haley pressed a kiss onto his cheek. "I know you probably won't like this suggestion but... have you ever thought of talking to someone about all of this?"
"Like a shrink?"
"Yeah. It's just... I think it could really help. Especially with, uh, what happened to Sasha."
He swallowed thickly. "I don't know, Hales."
Caressing his cheek, she smiled. "Just think about it."
"Okay." Ducking his head, Nathan kissed her softly. What Haley had said made a lot of sense and he had to admit that since he'd started talking to her and telling her about what had been on his mind for so long... it felt freeing and the weight he'd been carrying on his shoulders seemed to have lifted a little.
"You feel like getting out of here?" Haley asked a few moments later.
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" he quipped.
She laughed. "No. I meant the two of us getting out of here. I thought it might be nice to get outside and get some fresh air. It feels like we've been cooped up in here for days."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. What do you suggest?"
"Um... a walk in Central Park. We could grab some lunch afterwards."
"That sounds good. Maybe we could talk some more." He frowned when he saw her shaking her head. "What?"
"No more talking... at least not while we're out. Let's take a break from it for a little while and just have some fun. This has been weighing on you for long enough but you don't have to tell me everything in one go. There's plenty of time," she told him, lacing their fingers together, "and I'm not going anywhere."
Nathan felt a lump form in his throat at her saying that. "You promise?" he asked a moment later.
"I promise," she stated, stroking the back of his neck as she leaned in to him and tenderly kissed his lips.