Chapter Eight
January 28, 2011
Standing outside Nathan's apartment, Haley raised her fist and rapped on the heavy wooden door. She was still trying to figure out in her head how to word what she was going to say to him and she knew it was going to be even more difficult to do when he was right in front of her.
For the last couple of weeks, all she had thought about was her relationship with Nathan; in particular, his hot and cold treatment towards her when it came to anything intimate. She knew something was wrong... that it was probably something big but she had no clue as to what it could be.
The weird thing was, with the exception of this... issue, everything between them was great and she loved being with him.
Knowing this matter most likely wasn't going to be going anywhere any time soon, she knew she needed to do something which is what she was doing here now.
"Hey, this is a nice surprise," Nathan said a minute later when he opened the door and saw her. "Uh, did we have plans tonight?"
"No," she replied, shaking her head. "I just... I need to talk to you. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
"No, of course not. I was just worried I might have forgotten we were supposed to meet up." Opening the door wider, he gestured for her to come inside. Usually when she entered his place she immediately took her jacket off but he noticed she wasn't doing that tonight. In fact, her arms were wrapped around her middle in an almost protective-like stance and he frowned at that. "Can I get you a drink or—"
"I'm fine, thanks. Actually, I'm not going to be staying long."
Nathan noticed she kept averting her gaze and that her eyes looked everywhere but at him. "Haley, what's wrong?" he finally asked. It wasn't hard to see that something was up and, suddenly, he felt a sudden heaviness settle in the pit of his stomach and a feeling of dread wash over him.
"I, uh... I think we should stop seeing each other."
He stared at her open-mouthed as her words registered in his brain. "What?" he somehow managed to ask.
"This," she said, gesturing with her hand to the both of them, "doesn't seem to be working. We've been dating for almost four months yet... I keep getting this feeling like... you don't want to be with me."
"That's not true."
"Really? Then why does it feel like we're not moving forward? I feel like you're holding back and I don't understand why. One minute I think we're making progress like when you gave me a key to your apartment so I wouldn't have to wait outside if you got held up at work or in traffic, and then the next we'll be making out only for you to suddenly stop and pull away and give me some excuse about feeling tired or needing to be up early the next day. I just want you to talk to me and tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong," he told her, the lie rolling easily off his tongue.
Haley scoffed at that. "Fine, keep telling yourself that. If you can't be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself."
"I don't need this," he mumbled, turning and walking away from her.
"Yeah, me either," Haley called after him. Tears were prickling behind her eyelids and she squeezed them shut, willing herself not to break down and cry in front of him.
In the kitchen, Nathan was resting his forehead against the refrigerator. He should have known he'd end up ruining things between them. The last thing he wanted to do was lose her but he figured it was probably best to lose her now than to let things continue as they were and have her eventually end up hating him.
He knew telling her the truth... explaining why he was the way he was would probably help matters and, at the very least, give her some clue as to what she was letting herself in for by being involved with him, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Seeing his family wearing those looks of disappointment was bad enough... he didn't know if he could bear seeing that same look on Haley.
Taking a deep breath, he pulled open the fridge and grabbed a bottle of Bud from inside it and popped the cap. Bringing it up to his lips, he paused before he took a long swig of the ice cold beverage. He steeled himself before walking back into the living room and his resolve almost shattered when he saw the sad look on his girlfriend's... ex-girlfriend's, he corrected himself, face.
"Still here?"
Haley bristled at the coldness in his voice. "Natha—"
"You should go," he told her, cutting her off.
"No, I want to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about," he said before chugging another mouthful of beer.
"Yes there is! I want to know why you won't let us be close; why you kiss me like you do only to then push me away when things start spinning out of control." Her eyes fell to the floor as she whispered, "I want to know why you don't want us to be intimate."
Forcing a smirk onto his face, he said, "Wow, Hales, if I'd have known you were this desperate to sleep with me back in high school I'd have definitely let you have your turn." He felt sick to his stomach just saying that to her and the feeling intensified when he saw her reel back from him as if his words had physically struck her, and her eyes filled with tears.
"You're right," she choked once she had found the ability to speak. "I guess there really isn't anything for us to talk about."
Nathan stood frozen to the spot as Haley turned on her heel and walked away from him. He wanted to go after her, to tell her exactly what was holding him back but he couldn't move.
The quiet snick of the door closing hit him harder than if she had slammed the door. She'd only been gone for about ten seconds and already his heart was aching.
She's better off without me, he told himself. All he needed now was to believe it.
* * * * *
Stroking her hair, Lindsey's heart broke for Haley who was currently curled up against her on the couch, her head resting on her lap while she sobbed her heart out. She didn't know what to say to comfort her so, instead, she just held her as she cried. Judging from the state her friend was in and the fact Haley hadn't wanted her to call Nathan when she had offered to, Lindsey could only assume that they had broken up. She'd known they had been having problems but she'd truly believed the couple could work through them.
"Can I get you anything?" Lindsey asked, her tone gentle.
"No," the curly headed blonde managed to reply.
"I'm here if you want to talk, okay?"
"I-I know... Thanks, Linds."
Although Haley continued to cry, Lindsey was relieved that her sobs weren't quite as heart-wrenching as they had previously been. "He... he didn't hurt you, did he? Physically, I mean," she couldn't help but ask.
Haley shook her head. Her friend's question somewhat shocked her and she moved herself into a sitting position and wiping away her tears, she turned to look at the other woman. "No... no, he didn't and he wouldn't. It's just... I-I think we broke up."
"You think?"
Releasing a heavy sigh, she began to tell Lindsey what had happened. "I went over there to tell him that I thought we shouldn't see each other anymore."
"Because of the big bad sex issue?"
"Partly. I still can't shake the feeling that he's keeping something from me but he won't talk to me about whatever's bothering him. He just keeps giving me these lame excuses whenever the opportunity for us to spend the night together arises. I guess I hoped to shock him into talking to me by mentioning us breaking up."
"I take it that didn't happen though?"
Haley's gaze focused on her hands which she was twisting together in her lap. "No," she mumbled. "He denied there was a problem and then got defensive." She felt the sting of fresh tears prickling behind her eyelids. "He, uh, said some stuff which really hurt and I said some things and then I left."
"So you don't know for sure if you've broken up?"
"No," she replied, shaking her head. "What he said to me... it really hurt but I think he was just lashing out... to maybe get out of actually talking to me."
"Don't make excuses for him, Haley. Maybe you're starting to see the real Nathan."
Haley's head and heart ached and she felt so tired... so drained. "I can't believe that," she whispered. "With the exception of this and those excuses he's been nothing but sweet to me and I don't want to believe that it's all been an act. I can't."
"I hope you're right," Lindsey said. From the times she had met and hung out with Nathan, she had to admit she had trouble believing it was all an act, too but sometimes you couldn't judge a book by its cover. As she reassuringly squeezed her friend's hand, she could only hope their faith in him wouldn't come back to bite them – and especially Haley – in the ass.
* * * * *
Sitting at a back table in the Irish pub that was located a couple of blocks away from his apartment, Nathan nursed his glass of neat Scotch. He stared unseeingly at the amber liquid as he swirled it around and around in the glass tumbler.
It was still relatively early and, excluding himself and the barman, there were only four other patrons in the place. He should really still be at work but he took advantage of a client cancelling on him at the last minute and left the office early. Given that his concentration was shot to hell, it was probably better that he left for the day, he mused.
The only thing on his mind was Haley and how she'd looked the last time he'd seen her when she had come over to his apartment to end things between them. He hadn't gotten a wink of sleep since, mainly because every time he closed his eyes he saw the heartbroken look on her face.
He should've told her everything from the very start. At least that way she could have decided early on whether she wanted anything to do with him. Instead, he'd kept giving her lame-as-fuck excuses for why he couldn't spend the night with her. He knew how her mind worked and that somewhere deep inside she was blaming herself for them not having sex... especially considering she knew what his reputation had been like during his time at Tree Hill High.
If only she knew how desperately he wanted her... how much he craved her kiss... the soft touch of her hands on him. How he never wanted to let her out of his sight at the end of a date.
For him, kissing had always just been a prelude to sex but with Haley... it was an intimate act all in itself and he couldn't get enough. The way she kissed him made him feel special... worthy; something he hadn't ever felt with anyone else. Her hands were so gentle on his face, her touch so tender... almost reverent.
He sounded like such a sap, he thought to himself, the corners of his lips quirking up slightly. The thing was, he didn't care. All he cared about was her. She had the best and kindest heart of anyone he'd ever known... she always had and he was happy to know that hadn't changed during the years in which they hadn't been in touch.
"You look lonely sitting over here all by yourself."
The sultry voice cut into Nathan's thoughts and he looked up from his glass to see a tall and curvaceous redhead standing in front of him, practically spilling out of the tight red dress she was wearing; a bottle of beer held securely in her hands. "Well, I'm not," he told her, his tone curt.
"You sure 'cause I'd be happy to keep you company."
"I'm positive."
The woman ignored him and pulled out the chair opposite his and sat down. "I'm Rachel."
"Good for you," he retorted. He inwardly rolled his eyes at the way her fingers were suggestively sliding up and down the glass bottle, her tongue snaking out to lick at her bottom lip. She couldn't have been more obvious if she'd tried.
"C'mon," she said, chuckling. "I'm just being friendly."
Pushing away his untouched drink, Nathan got up from his seat. "Maybe so but I'm not interested." Without a second glance at her, he walked away and left the pub. Outside, he smiled to himself as he thought about the lucky escape he'd just had. Over the years, he'd met a hundred "Rachel's" – girls who were only after one thing – and while he'd been happy to give them what they, and he, had wanted, now he wanted more than that just a one-night-stand or a fling.
He wanted Haley.
For the first time in his life, he wanted to have an actual relationship and he wanted it with her. He'd never really given much thought to the future but since Haley had come back into his life he'd started to. More and more he was thinking about what it would be like to be with her for the rest of his life and he wasn't sure whether or not to be surprised at the fact that it didn't scare him. The idea of waking up with her in his arms every morning and going to bed with her every night sent ripples of warmth coursing through him and brought a smile to his face.
He was getting ahead of himself, he knew, particularly given what had taken place several nights ago. For all he knew she didn't feel the same way and besides, even if she did, she might change her mind about him once he'd confessed everything about his past.
Instead of walking in the direction of her apartment, he turned and headed the other way. He needed to get his head straight... to work out exactly what he was going to say so he didn't sound like some kind of bumbling idiot who ended up making things even worse.
He knew he needed to talk to her soon... the longer he left it, the harder it would be.
He just hoped she'd listen and give him a chance 'cause the thought of not having her in his life... it was too much to bear thinking about.