Scene 9.13 - Loose Ends
ANIMATION STYLE 1
EST: EXT. A long, long beach
(JULIUS CAESAR stays his men, who are dug in and anxiously awaiting to fire another volley at the women farther down the beach. The men are sporting Starr Revolvers, Colt Army Model 1860 Pistols complete with shoulder stocks and liquor flasks, Springfield Model 1861 Rifles, Pattern 1853 Enfield Rifles. JULIUS CAESAR sights his Henry Rifle, licks his finger and checks windage.)
GENGHIS KAHN
I think I hit one of 'em sir!
JULIUS CEASAR
(Looks through a telescope:) Nah, you took the head off our mermaid. Wait for my signal.
ZOOM TO:
(A sabre-wearing JOAN OF ARC and her company of women are equally dug in a thousand yards away. HATSHEPSUT [IRIS] is reloading her COLT M1911. Other women are packin' M19 Enfield rifles, M1918 Browning Automatic Rifles and M1917 Browning Machine Guns. The figurehead shares the trench with the women. It has been nearly decapitated by a high-powered round. JOAN OF ARC regards this, shrugs and raises her sabre.)
JOAN OF ARC
On my mark...
HATSHESPUT
This could bloody well take forever.
PAN TO:
ALEXANDER THE GREAT
We're gettin' low on ammo, Captain. They got us outgunned.
JULIUS CAESAR
We'll have to change our strategy. Men, fix bayonets! We're backing out!
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
He who fits in vuns avay leaves to fit in udder day!
JULIUS CAESAR
Tighten up that line! Make your buddy smile! At-ease that line chatter!
(The men shuffle out.)
TRUCK TO:
JOAN OF ARC
Hold fire!
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Looks like they're retreating.
HATSHEPSUT
They're up to something.
ISABELLA
[ROSE] Can we get back to finishing the patio?
JOAN OF ARC
I suppose so. (Sheathes sabre. Stands.) We'll take shifts of three.
(GROANS)
JOAN OF ARC (Cont'd)
Now, now, there is no substitute for vigilance. It's how wars are won and lost. I'll be on first watch.
MS: SLOW, SERENE DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. A Vast, Brightly-Lit Desert, Night
(Six men and nine women are on a vast desert island with shores of wet dust. Miniture-and-more-scaley amphibious versions of the giant sea monsters seen before are hobbling along the border of where the hot light strikes the damp debris and where night rules the crashing shoreline, stretching to the horizon. JULIUS CAESAR and his dirty, overworked crew of men have been constructing a massive, wheeled craft, made from the debris of the galleon. It appears to be a massive windsail; a skeletal framework of wood and denim. NAPOLEON BONAPARTE is checking the ropes that tether the craft as a large gale washes across the land. The large dust devil wisps down the shoreline for nearly a mile until dissolving into nothingness. JOAN OF ARC is lounging on a pool chair, fanning herself. She sits under a large awning, which flaps in the wind as the dust devil subsides. Next to her is what appears to be a deluxe camper, with a large steam-powered engine neatly fenced by a stockade of driftwood farther away. CATHERINE THE GREAT exits the dainty love-shack and approaches JOAN OF ARC, holding a tray of cooked Barbecue goodies and a cigarette.)
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Whew! That was a big one! Won't you come in?
JOAN OF ARC
I want to watch the storm go by.
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Come in, it's getting cold out here.
(JOAN OF ARC removes her sunhat, lies prone and adjusts her sunglasses as mist falls about as scattered clouds overhead break away from mother storm a scant mile away.)
JOAN OF ARC
Nothing but a spring rain- Is that the men again?
CATHERINE THE GREAT
(Puts food down, peers off to the far distance.) Where?
JOAN OF ARC
That thing -- over there!
CATHERINE THE GREAT
I see it! Is it moving?
JOAN OF ARC
It's coming this way!
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Should I get the other girls?
JOAN OF ARC
No! Yes! Tell them to find a shootin' hole. Git me my gun, Katie.
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Aigh' t Jo-
JOAN OF ARC
An' sum mo' S-P-50; don' wanna get red none.
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Okey-doke.
(She enters the large, metal trailer and returns with a sawed-off shotgun, a 30.06 and some tanning lotion. She hands the shotgun and lotion to JOAN OF ARC, who sits up, pumps it and strides over to the rapidly-approaching windcraft.)
SOUND:CLICK-CLICK-BOOM! CLICK-CLICK
JOAN OF ARC
Aigh't pecka-woodz thet's fer eneuf! Y'all's trisspissin'! Now cleer out 'fore you gitta ass-full of lead!
JULIUS CAESAR
(Jumps off the craft with hands in the air and eventually clasps them in front of him as he approaches-) My esteemed lady, we are but travellers in these parts merely seeking-
SOUND: KABLOW!!!
(The wet grey sand at JULIUS CAESAR'S feet explode as his sandals were about to step-)
JOAN OF ARC
Sivvit, rivinewer! Uwan' our injin sews you kin pewer thet kintraption yigitovadere, weez wize tea ya antiks!
JULIUS CAESAR
Madam, if you would just allow me to-
SOUND: KAPLOW!!! DI-D-DIN-DING!
(As JULIUS CAESAR approaches, he nears a small windchime, hung from the edge of the awning. JULIUS CAESAR stops, sees the dented copper butterfly twisting near his head.)
JOAN OF ARC
I ain't firin' warnin' shotz no mo' Nixt'un, you'll be belleedin' if'n ya take one more step... go on... I dare ya!!!
JULIUS CAESAR
Forget about the war, our sides, all that -- that was... a long time ago... we're really just coming to say goodbye.
JOAN OF ARC
Good-bye?
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Where ya think you're going?
(A large consensus of ad libs from within the trailer echo the sentiment.)
JULIUS CAESAR
I, Madame, have found a way out of this psycho-hell.
JOAN OF ARC
Horse-hockey. This is jus' a trick to git our still. (Pumps gun.) Clear outta here! Git!
JULIUS CAESAR
(Turns away, waves a hand backward to swat-away a silly idea.) Whatever you say, lady, we were just trying to offer an olive branch to see if you wanted to come along, but-
(Stops. Turns. Perks head.)
JULIUS CAESAR (Cont'd)
-Did you say you have a still?
JOAN OF ARC
(Turns away to lounge chair, dons hat, checks makeup in the reflective chrome of the shotgun, picks up iced lemonade, turns, toasts JULIUS CAESAR and downs her drink.) Xah! We got the best moonshine in this whole here county. Y'all wanna sit a spell and try some? Or you got somewhere in that 1,000-mile desert you gotta be at right now?
(JULIUS CAESAR looks back to the men. They hesitate for only a fraction of a second-)
JOAN OF ARC
Nah-ah! Keep them guns on that thing you come here on from yonder. Katie, get the-
(She makes a general circular motion toward her genitals and bounces her thumb upon a sideways fist. CATHERINE THE GREAT seems to understand and quickly departs.)
JULIUS CAESAR
Men, tether the craft! We're camping here for the night!
JOAN OF ARC
Oh hell no! This ain't no sleep-over! These is peace negotiations and y'all are on our turf.
JULIUS CAESAR
I'm unarmed. May I approach, milady?
JOAN OF ARC
One sec. (CATHERINE returns with a black bag and a black remote control.) Ye'see, we figured one day if'n we had you all as P-O-Ws and what-not, we'd need a way to keep you all in line without hurtin' nothin' important on youse if'n we needed you to chop driftwood, or do dishes or give us foot massages and what I'm tryin' to say is y'all alot bigger and sneakier than us and that's why we need to be in total control while ya stayin' here. So if'n ya wanna stay and drink with us, you gotta wear these and nothin' else.
(From the unholy black bag, she produces what must be among the most frightening costuming monstrosities ever devised. It is two g-strings sewn together to tightly-accommodate a man's gonads on one side and hanging low on the other side is an insidious black box from a dog's shock collar with two chrome probes peeking through the seam to the insides of the sparse garment, affixed to the undercarriage of the torture harness with two less-than-inviting, testicle-cradling elastic bands.)
ALEXANDER THE GREAT
Ain't no way any one of us is gonna be wearin' that-
CATHERINE THE GREAT
Every one of you will wear one, and only that. We have one for each of you.
JULIUS CAESAR
Oh hell no, lady.
GENGHIS KAHN
Aye, you ain't strappin' a joy buzzer on me junk now.
SHAKA
No way, Jose'.
JOAN OF ARC
We got Bikini tops with lil' nipple clamps on 'em -- but these will do for now. Somethin' to make sure y'all know this lil' truce here ain't goin' ta turn out like Tet or nuthin'.
CATHERINE THE GREAT
We mean business. (Chugs from a bottle.) Ahh. Now strip!
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Mam, no matter what weapon you level at me or what kind of moonshine you got, I believe I can speak for myself and every swingin' Richard here, there's no way in Plato's Palace Of Painful Pastimes that me or any other guy is ever gonna wear an electricfied jockstrap!
CLOCK WIPE TO:
(The group of men are seated at a picnic table, just inside the awning. They are all nude, save their harnesses firmly affixed to their genitalia. The clothed women surround them.)
JOAN OF ARC
A toast! To lasting peace and prosperity!
ALL MEN
(Drunken and mumbled; Pavlovian:) To lasting peace and prosperity.
(The men down their drinks and rapidly ad lib negativity; JOAN OF ARC slams her remote down on the table. The men shut up. JULIUS CAESAR continues and JOAN OF ARC drums her fingernails across the face of the remote. JOAN OF ARC eyes him and smiles.)
JOAN OF ARC
Go on... try to take it. I know you want to. I know you're thinking about it. Maybe you're faster than me. Maybe not. Go on. It's right there. Take it. Come on... (Leans close, whispers heavily.) I wan' you to.
(JULIUS CAESAR dejectedly remains still. Boy, if looks could kill...)
JOAN OF ARC (Cont'd)
That's what I thought -- don't pout -- I have a spare one anyway. Now ladies, I think it's time we explained to the men how 'they' are going to help 'us' REALLY get out of here once and for all. (Beat.) But first, we all need to loosen up a little. Y'all know how to dance?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. No-Tell Motel/Space - Romeo
(VERNE and his concubines are splayed about a small motel room, relaxing in various states of dress and inebriation. VERNE passes a bottle of rot-gut whiskey to DAISY.)
VERNE
Should I order a pizza?
POPPY
I'm down.
GLADIOLA
No pork.
VERNE
Right. Room service!
COMPUTER V.O.
Room service...
VERNE
Haul over two large uber-supreme pizzas; hold the pork.
COMPUTER V.O.
Right away, sir.
FERN
Who wants a backrub?
(There are many volunteers, VERNE is discounted and passed-over immediately.)
DAHLIA
(Typing on a holoplate.) I've got the reservations set. Table for twelve, Hyannis Space Port, noon, July 26th.
ROSE
You'll be back by then.
VERNE
I'll be back by then, I swear! A few aliens get wasted and I'm back in the saddle again...
ROSE
No excuses.
VERNE
No excuses. (There is a knock on the door.) Wow, that was fast. Just a sec!
(He gets up and crosses to the door, stepping around limbs of prone girls, relaxing and sharing a hookah. He opens the door. ROMEO, in a tux, patiently stands outside.)
VERNE (Cont'd)
Yes, garr-sawn, what is it?
ROMEO
Subscriber Number Alpha Zero: Emmanuel Morlock, Founder, Midnite Movie Corporation. This dream script experience will end in two minutes. Thank you for visiting Midnite Movie: Where The Dream Never Ends.
VERNE
WHAT?!?
ROMEO
This dream script will end in one minute and fifty seconds, mark.
FERN
Verny, who is it?
ROMEO
Mr. Emmanuel Morlock, you will awaken in one minute and-
(VERNE slams the door.)
VERNE
It's nobody, honey. Who wants to give me a handy?
(There are no volunteers.)
VERNE (Cont'd)
Let me rephrase that. Who wants some untainted, sparkling, fresh 71st-Century D-N-A?
(There is a brief amount of chatter.)
ROSE
It's Lo's turn to collect.
VERNE
Oh yeah? It HAS been a while... Is that right, honey? Your turn?
LOTUS
(Nodding, flat and rehearsed:) Any-ting you want. Me love you long time.
VERNE
Happy ending?
LOTUS
(Undressing, crossing to him.) Oh yes, good happy ending, Joe; you big, strong man...
VERNE
(Embraces her while dropping his pants, revealing Valentine-heart-print boxer briefs.) Yeah, yeah!
FADE OUT
MS: Blackness of nothingness.
(The Universe collapses. We only hear VERNE'S echoed thoughts with a pulsating, dimming pin-point light at the center of the screen. Like a big bang in reverse.)
VERNE V.O.
(Echo:) No! No! Not now, not now! I was so close! So close....
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MAROON ROOM - Night.
WELLS
So tell me, Romeo, about your studies of-?
ROMEO
Just a moment. Just a moment.
WELLS
(Looks at joint, reconsiders passing and bogarts.) Huh?
(ROMEO shifts into many plasmic primary and secondary colors while WELLS takes on many darker shades of the light emitted from ROMEO, and finally rests on blue before collapsing while all else returns to normal lighting as ROMEO blinks out of the Universe. The rest of the maroon-room residents rush over to WELLS.)
AZALEA
Doc!
TURNKEY
Whatswrong?
ROMEO V.O.
(Echoes throughout the fairground:) Subscriber Lima-Echo-Zed-Alpha One One Six Five : Vylencia Pensacola, Supreme Executive, United Lunar Confederates. This dream script experience will end in two minutes. Thank you for subscribing to Midnite Movie: Where The Dream Never Ends.
CANDY V.O.
(Long beat, from different ambient conditions; as it was taken from a much older recording:) The Midnite Movie Corporation thanks you for your continued patronage, have a wonderful day.
CAMEO EIGHT
No! No! This ain't happening!
WELLS
Ahhh...
AZALEA
Doc! Doc!
WELLS
I'm... I'm finished here.
AZALEA
What is happening?
ROMEO V.O.
One minute, and-
AZALEA
Oh, shut up with the countdown already!
(Everyone seems to nod in agreement.)
MS: WELLS and AZALEA
WELLS
(Looking about, lights are "coming on" like a bar after last call.) I- I think it's time for you to wake up, Vylencia.
AZALEA
(Shocked, yet recognizing her name.) Huh?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Oblivion - Day
ANIMATION STYLE 1
(VERNE and VIOLET are propped-up with pillows in bed, watching the end of a movie. VIOLET is snacking on chocolate-covered ice cream bites while VERNE is bogarting the third of three large blunts. He finally passes as he takes a chocolate bite from her bowl. She doesn't object since he finally has passed the well-lit blunt that she rolled minutes ago. He pops the ice cream bite and grabs the remote from his nightstand.)
VIOLET
Whatcha turning it up for?
VERNE
This is my favorite part.
VIOLET
It's the end of the movie.
VERNE
Yeah. That's the best part about it.
TODD SWEENY V.O.
... then we'll git the saloon to start servin' on Sundays fer them folks that need-a belt after the sermon and-why heck, that's not even menshunnin' what we're gonna do with all that there dynamite...
(VERNE laughs heartily.)
VIOLET
That ending is so... corny!
VERNE
That look on that dog's face! Ha ha!
(VIOLET tokes the blunt. There is a chime.)
VERNE
(Yelling to an unseen speakerphone.) Who is it?
JYNX V.O.
Who do you think? I need you to see something.
VERNE
It's almost midnight! We're in bed, Jynx. Call me tomorrow.
JYNX V.O.
Wanted to catch you before you all were asleep. It can't wait.
VERNE
Can't you let us have a night in peace? What do you want, man?
JYNX V.O.
Look out your window.
VERNE
What, what is it?
JYNX V.O.
Look to the North.
VIOLET
Maybe you had better oblige him. I'll keep the blunt warm. Go look.
VERNE
Okay, I'm getting up already. What is it? (He is wearing blue-and-white-striped pajama bottoms and a black, white and yellow T-shirt reading: "A Woman's Place Is In The House... And The Senate!" [The last part only revealed as he moves the sheets away and crawls from under the covers and walks by the camera.] He parts a large blue curtain, revealing a glass wall showing a spectacular country view of the stars. A glow, like a pending sunrise, illuminates the horizon.) What's that? Something crash up there?
JYNX V.O.
Fires. The Titans have arrived with their toys. Every city North of here is on fire.
VERNE
Well, that's...
JYNX V.O.
Everything. I know. Whole damn world's gone nuclear. It'll be just us five again.
VIOLET
Five? Five what? (Wearing only a silky nightgown, joining him.) What's happened?
VERNE
(Embraces her, a bit sad, yet matter-of-fact:) Oh baby, we're all finally waking up.
(He pulls her in, as she looks to the horizon, unsure of how to exactly feel about it.)
CU: VIOLET'S purple-and-black face illuminated by the distant firelight.
FTB