Scene 8.02 - So Many Places, So Little Time
EST: Prison-Island Ire, Florida Keys/Havana, Cuba/Hell's Island, South America - April 25th, 1813
EXT. Prison-island Ire - Morning
(The Jolie Rouge approaches a familiar island, keeping out of cannon range from the onshore weapons. A small, red rowboat emerges from the mist, carrying POKE and FIRST MATE FREEMAN. CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH awaits, rifle at port arms. The scene inspires a feeling of deja vu. Same set, different shrubs, different guard. Same rowboat; now painted red. Cheap movie.)
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Eye mist Tubby scene sings! Ewe hawk coast Kim too call lecture sole? Pod dry? His hat ye common crossed day what air?
POKE
No, My Good Man, I am his half-brother, Master Poke, a priest from the Hunan Province. I am as real as you are, my good sir.
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Desire lend dizzy four bidden two fizz it tours chap Lynn day gin roll kin sea know won on nap proved buy day wore din.
POKE
I care not to see your infamous inmate; I am here only to speak with my brother. My Good Man: Is he truly here on this island?
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Yes easier butter Harry Israel sic thesis vary anew shawl eye sugar Getty wore din.
POKE
Do what you feel is best. We shall wait here.
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Know tie Mickey two Harry yell gum two. (Motions, they move.) Isle shoe ye wear yore broth oar wise lasso sin number terse seam noun fore stew laid. (Beat. Small talk.) Ewe mister herd all ruddy in ooze mist shore trifle fast inn who nun write uppity Yanks he eye wreck on.
POKE
Yes, the Yangtze, I peed on coy there as a child; it was a game we all played. (Back to us. Bows:) We are most grateful, sir.
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Who nuns moor thin hast owns thorough way ewe mist hoof try veiled foreign ditz Bast ye sea thaw pod Ray sue near thin laid err. (Nods and leads them farther uphill.) Kim.
FLIP [horizontal]
(They follow. They are led to the same infirmary we saw in 1.7.02, just dolled-up to appear as a cabin. Like I said, cheap movie.)
REVERSE ANGLE
(Until end of scene.)
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH (Cont'd)
Gone inn ease pro babble slipping isle Bea write Buck Wii day wore din yell Lee ten yeah told tie myrrh?
(If you've been plodding, starving...)
POKE
Why, no, we haven't. I'm vegan, my good man, and my companion cannot eat meat.
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Elf etch ye sum grub to wheeze golem tie piss oh fetch tables inn if roots indie sell hair isle Kim Buck bassoon Wii day wore din awesome udder stiff foyer wrap it tight.
POKE
(Bows.) Thank you, we are most grateful for your civil hospitality. You are most noble, gentle sir. (Offers mega-blunt.) Perhaps I can repay your generosity in kind.
CU: Sparkles from the honey-coated, majestic blunt
MUSIC: Lute notes playing
(Pot-leaf burn exposed from loose robe sleeve. The upturned blunt is nicely-rolled and ready to rock. It's the Shower-Lynn way...)
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Woe-hoe! Theirs I cite fir so rise! Weave bin try sense sum pie rats ray did are fave writ saw ply her list awe kissed. Think ye!
(Pretty please, it's a fave of mine; accept it, as a fave. -- Consider: I could have overworked come, but I didn't...)
POKE
T'aint nuthin' but a thing. Feel free to share it with the warden, I've got plenty more to share with all of you -- when you return.
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
(Sparks it.) Rack in role, done Eve Van Gogh know ware, isle bee write beckon down sew Gogh -- dongle an knee wear!
(He dashes away, toking all the while. The two men enter the chamber. JYNX [Padre] is lying on a bed, covered with bloody, pus-crusted bandages and is wheezing through a difficult, raspy sleep.)
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Your brother, he's got the curse! I knows them marks all too well. That rash is gonna kill him if'n we don't get him off this island and out to sea where it's safe.
POKE
Brother? Brother? Are you awake?
JYNX
Eh? Who's there?
POKE
I am your brother, Poke -- Poco Loco Pakalolo Caine, your half-brother, from Hunan.
JYNX
I have heard of you... long ago... Your mother was Tahitian and Chinese; a dancer, yes... we had the same father. Have I died?
POKE
Oh, no, you're still alive, brother.
(Long pause. POKE breaks-out humming the opening of the Everly Brothers' "All I Have To Do Is Dream.")
JYNX
(Pause.) Oh! Am I... dreaming?
POKE
It is a dream come true, for both of us -- illumination. (A la James Earl Jones:) At last... I have found you, Poonta Padre!
(Beat. Practiced, predicted. Lightly taps the ear of the bandaged man, pretending to hold his head and all.)
JYNX
(Smirks, off in La-La Land.) I- I heard I had an older brother -- a... Chinaman.
POKE
(Happy, humble:) That is I.
(Pause. POKE softly-hums a few bars of the melody of the Beatles' "I Want To Hold Your Hand.")
JYNX
(Wooden; movements and speech lacking inflection:) Hold my hand, brother. I cannot see you, the lights are growing dim.
(FIRST MATE FREEMAN looks about. Foggy, yet bright as all get-out.)
POKE
(Takes his hand.) I am here, brother.
JYNX
This is a hap- (Hand-squeeze of confirmation from POKE. Joyed, continues:) a happy moment indeed. I finally got to meet you.
POKE
(Joyous:) Yes, together at last.
CU: JYNX and his eye-rolling, melodramatic, award-defying death scene
JYNX
At last... (Drifts to the Big Sleep. POKE nudges him, as if there were more to be said. He awakens, a little out-of-character-) Ah?
POKE
We should get you off this island; you're very sick...
CU: POKE
(Pause. Beat. POKE whistles the chorus of "Too Late For Love" by Def Leppard.)
MS: Men
JYNX
It's too late, I'm done for, I feel it.
POKE
Do not go gentle into that good night...
(Pause. Beat. Feeding time again. POKE teethes the verse, "My baby's gotta secret" from the Madonna song "Secret." Pause. Not a Modonna fan, I guess. POKE Hums and teeths through his frustration: "Listen! Aw-aw-aw Do you wanna know a humph-humph, do you promise not to tell, whoa-oh-oh-oh, Closer... Ah-Ah-Ah")
JYNX
My secret! (Clutching at him, struggling, one breath:) While here I've amused myself with a hobby of digging for flint looking for arrowheads last week I found a treasure on this very island incredible for the church relics of a Spanish Galleon and the Holy Chalice Of in the chest there that way take it brother return the Holy Chalice to the Va- (Big pause.) Rome the rest the rest is yours to keep...
POKE
I have no need for treasure, being with you at last, Brother Of Mine -- this, this is a treasure beyond all I could receive...
JYNX
At last...
(Yes, at last. JYNX dies. He looks relaxed and peaceful, having got through the mega-line fairly intact. JYNX smiles a little.)
POKE
Brother? Brother?
(Pause. POKE puts his hand over his brother's smirking face and closes his eyes and covers his brother's face with a blanket.)
MS: Room after the best living actor in the world attempted to really-drop-the-bar toward what could eventually become the lamest dual-role acting performance in recent recorded history
POKE (Cont'd)
That chest in the corner, it's contaminated. Although you may already be afflicted, it is best you handle it with gloves -- no sense in making it worse on yourself. We'll wait until we reunite with Grass-Burner to open it. He may know more than we do about-
(CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH enters and stands at the doorway, sans blunt.)
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Day wore din while bee wit ye prison Lee.
(Places picnic basket piled with succulent fruits and crisp, cool veggies onto the priest's non-vanity-dresser by the door. He looks dejected, as if Warden Bogart's orders were nothing-short-of, "Manure award aw afro ma demo shun! Till hymn mime wear ring toupee tree tie mess day gone wraith udder Portia pie four dairy in deacon dare sat Eva! Goethe anchor fee door garter watt effort, Dressmaker shore tattoo bicep Aldo Pendergrass Descartes inn Whidham!" C'est la vie, 86.)
POKE
No need for pomp and circumstance, I'm afraid. My brother has passed on. His dying wish was that I return his possessions to the Vatican. I shall honor that wish.
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
Watt if day Pawed Dre's bot Dee? Wig it know semi tarry hear. Whoa Shelly Jess toss theme offer day clef aunt too hussy.
POKE
Tell me, after his rash developed, who has seen my brother? Who saw to this rash? Who attended his wounds?
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
(Choking up a little...) Know won, nut Eve inn day dock, pore Paul Dre wooden lit inn office cumin ear. Ease settees Kirsten dot Delores bunny shin hymn fore bean a sinew infer half inn hymn pure thaw oughts. Hay tolled is awl Tuesday ah way. Scene Tim band ages tolled mead die Don won a bee round, Isis plan tea awl ruddy.
(Dr. Dre, who else? I also cheat a little by using names when playing Scrabble, but considering that I'm the one who always gets the cues without the use, I feel justified. For lack of a better term, we'll simply call this style Homnacular, i.e. closed-captioning in reverse. When you're impatient with someone learning to read or who has poor English, My Intelligent, Lovely Reader; remember your initial take when you first read the Intermezzo.)
POKE
We must cremate the body immediately. He is diseased. I suggest telling the warden and the other men on the island to stay clear of this room until my companion and I have sanitized it thoroughly, we'll depart this island as soon as we've finished here. I also suggest that if you don't want to be as my brother, that you stay outdoors -- In fact, you and a few mates may unload our craft of the several cases of dank that I was bringing to my brother. It is now a gift for you and your warden, to repay you for your charitable acts. We'll need the space on the rowboat to cart my brother's things back to Rome. Until we have departed, please, allow no one to enter this room under any circumstances. It has been a pleasure, My Good Man, I suggest you depart presently.
CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH
(Covers face with big sleeve:) Donna ave two till meat wise.
(Exits.)
POKE
Freeman, help me cart this body. We're going to need a few hours, at least. Go to the window, open it. If'n the fog clears, use the lantern and signal to our mates on the Jolie Rouge that we're fine and that we'll be back aboard by nightfall.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
(Looking at the body:) By nightfall, I'm outta here either way. Don'tcha think you might get the curse, yo'self being here and all?
POKE
My hygiene is impeccable and my diet is optimum. I'm taking every precaution, if I get it, I get it. So far, on this island, this outbreak has been limited to my brother alone. I intend to keep it that way. We were too late to prevent his death, but we're still early-enough to stop this curse from killing everyone on the island. We need to gut this room and stop the spread right here.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
I'm with ya.
POKE
Plus, keeping this room isolated will allow us to lighten our own load.
(He sparks a phatty.)
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
I'm definitely with ya.
(POKE passes.)
POKE
(On exhale:) We'll have to burn everything, the blankets, clothes -- we'll wrap the chest in waxed burlap, and I will keep his personal effects safely with me.
(Seems FIRST MATE FREEMAN understood the burning part. He rips the blunt, producing a long cherry.)
POKE
Easy! Easy! That's stuff's been dipped!
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
(Passing:) Dipped in what?
POKE
Oooh. (Tokes.) I don't think you really wanna know.
POV: FIRST MATE FREEMAN
FX: PSYCHOCHROMATIC LENS
SOUND: PHASE, ECHO
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Wow... (Pause.) If'n our curse is a disease like you say, how you so sure you can't get it from sharin' blunts like we's doin' now?
POKE
I am not, but one cannot simply stop breathing merely out of fear of the air...
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
I guess that makes sense...
POKE
(Chonging, blowing smoke rings:) Like I said, if'n I git it, I git it...
LOSE FX
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. RANCH
INT. DeMoney's (Dee-Mayonnaise) Ranch, Beau Monde, a.k.a "Hoss see end ah de you be a de moochoh free oh Havana"
(Havana House Of Hail -- Okay, maybe their lunatic, stereotypical-Latin-American gardener only loosely muttered it only one time, but still, it's not exactly a friendly term.)
ALBERTA
Father!
(ALBERTA gracefully-glides down a wide-and-lavish staircase. She is richly-adorned and yet-to-wear the full bustle of womanhood.)
ALBERTA (Cont'd)
(In white silk and ivory. Add a veil and you'd think it was her wedding.) Father! Father! Where are you, Dad? I have great news!
(MOE enters, smoking. He's gained weight. His party-ball became a keg long ago. He wears silk robes and a smoking jacket.)
MOE
(Stokes the ebony-cherry-and-ivory pipe, stands at the wide doorway of his richly-furnished den.) What is it darling? I'm reading.
ALBERTA
(Radiant, excited:) I heard the bell sound in the harbor! -- The Cherry Mary has returned! Veronica and Adele have returned!
MOE
Then go see your friends, darling, welcome them home. You have all afternoon, I surely don't require your presence; I'm busy. Your mother will not be back until nightfall. (Muttered, turns away toward den.) Probably trading her services for a leg of mutton.
ALBERTA
(Steps to the half-opened, windowless, sliding doors.) What, Daddy?
MOE
(Turning back.) "Well I'll be, missus! You look as cute as a button!"
ALBERTA
I was thinking of buying a new dress today, but it wouldn't be fair, the girls may think I was being mean, for they only now have returned to port, three months out, four months back -- they probably haven't even bathed-
MOE
(Shoveling all the petty cash he had left on him from his previous night's bout with wine, women song and gambling.) Here.
ALBERTA
Thank you, Daddy. (Kisses him on the cheek. Faces and folds bills.) I'll be back when the shops close. Enjoy your book, Daddy.
MOE
Tsk, this? Lame read; I mean the guy's got it all wrong. Imaginative, yes; plausible, hell no! There is no perfectly-timed poison!
ALBERTA
The Marquis De Sade? Gee Dad, I didn't know you had it in you. I always thought you were just a soft and lovable snuggle-bear.
MOE
There was a time once when your mother called my mate and I under-glorified pirates. I was a tougher man then, more rugged.
ALBERTA
Whoa! You were a pirate?
MOE
Ah, not so much me, I was a sailor. My treasonous mate was the one who turned against our country, my adventures were mu-
ALBERTA
Are you talking about The Pirate Mad Monty?
(MOE chokes on his chong.)
MOE
How- How do you know about that? Don't believe any of it, none of them ghost stories they tell on the dockyards are true.
ALBERTA
Uncle Jack told me he wasn't really a pirate at all and wasn't even a smuggler and he said that he prolly got shot in the back cuz Uncle Jack says he knows that he sure as hell didn't drown cuz Mad Monty could always swim better than anyone he ever knew.
MOE
Your Uncle Jack's imaginative, and a little senile. Telling you adventure stories to amp-up that haunted derelict he gave you.
ALBERTA
Oh, I love my little boat. I don't care if she never goes on the water. It's my most favorite place to be. The best doll-house ever.
MOE
What else do you know of this Monty fellow? Did your Uncle Jack tell you that he lied to us and traded in secret with Noriega?
ALBERTA
Mom says his name sometimes when she's asleep.
MOE
Noriega?
ALBERTA
No, Monty, silly. I asked her about that, thinking maybe is was her pet name for you or something, like Montague or something. She said that it wasn't and that she doesn't have a pet name for you and that Monty was The Pirate Mad Monty they all talk about and that he was a friend of yours and hers when you were all a whole lot younger.
MOE
Is that all she said?
ALBERTA
Gee Daddy, I'm not sure. I'm confused. (Beat.) I should scale-back and buy burlap so all three of us could have a new dress...
DOLLY IN
INT. Study
(MOE walks to his desk and tosses the book irreverently toward a leather couch. ALBERTA follows. He looks at a stack of rolled bills from a previous evening's 'take' and tosses her three wads. She catches all. She could be an outfielder with hands like that.)
ALBERTA
Thanks, Daddy.
(Begins to exit.)
MOE
Alberta honey?
ALBERTA
(Turns:) Yes, Daddy?
MOE
What else did your mother tell you about this 'Mad Monty' fella?
ALBERTA
She did mention they were engaged to be married, but after he drowned, she knew she would only want to be with you and me for the rest for her life and I'm okay with that even if you and mom never get married. I always love you both equally anyway.
MOE
Does- she ever talk about marrying me? You know I've asked her, she lives like she's my- she won't answer me, all this time-
ALBERTA
Yeah, one other time, like, four years ago, like way back when I was still in grade school when we were making decorations for V's mom and step-dad's wedding, she said she didn't marry you cuz she'd already did it befo' and didn't want to do it again.
MOE
She says we've been married before?
ALBERTA
No, she says that she already was befo'. Don't ask me about it, she don't tell me nuttin'. All I knowz she said she'd bin married befo'.
MOE
Who- did she say she was wed to before?
ALBERTA
Ask her, I dunno, I don't care! Ain't nuttin' tuhmee that Mom had boyfriends before you or that you got a whole bunch of girlfriends in the brothel now or that y'all ain't hitcht on paper or nuttin'. I'm plenny thankful fo' what we got already. We're all under one roof, that's more than most o' my friends got and it don't matter no way cuz Traci at schoolz got two dads n' Kyle's got two moms n' Becca don't know who hers really are cuz she's in foster care cuz you see she used to get left with her Uncle Craig who used to mol-
MOE
(Chucks two more tightly-packed stacks of rolled money-wads at her. She pockets them both and stops talking.) Beat it, kiddo.
ALBERTA
(Blows him a kiss.) Love you, Daddy.
MOE
Love you too, Precious.
(She exits, we follow. He goes back to his book and pipe. She goes out the front door. She glides down the street and turns up an alley that grows scarier as it clears a rise and begins a descent toward the harbor. The dark, filthy alley narrows and garbage and human waste seriously-contrasts with the pristine, confident, young girl in white strolling into the haven of horrors before her.)
ALBERTA
(Singing:) It's Friday, Friday...
(Thunder.)
VERONICA V.O.
Hand over your loot!
ALBERTA
Loot? (Stops. Open mouthed, aghast. Looks at self with open, bear-hug arms-) What, you don't want a piece o' this?
ADELE V.O.
Nah... Too flat-chested. No boobs.
ALBERTA
(Scanning the darkness above her.) Who says I got no boobs? Why don't you c'mere and take a good look at what I got now?
VERONICA V.O.
We don't wanna take a look at what you ain't got now, we want chore loot.
ALBERTA
Loot? That's so old-skool and outta town; reindeer we callz it grip. What if I said I ain't gonna give any o' you my "loot?"
(Thunder.)
ADELE V.O.
(Closer:) Then we might just have to fight you.
ALBERTA
Oh-ho! (Trying to zero in, no luck. They keep moving in the shadows above.) Maybe you just might.
(Rumble.)
VERONICA V.O.
Ya might wanna get out of that there purty dress o' yours, don't want to get it all bloodied-up now.
ALBERTA
(Turning.) Oh, I know whose blood it would be -- you got a point, tho- can one of you help me with the back here?
(Lightning, thunder. Cloudburst. She starts laughing and squealing as it pours rain. Her two, soaked girlfriends jump to her side.)
VERONICA
Girl, that dress is gonna get covered in mud!
MS: Girls
(They help her out of her dress; she throws it to the curb, sloshing with water. They count the money rolls and share in a fest of squeals and kisses and hugs and bounces- I want you to picture something for a second, seeing it as a thirteen-year-old person. Three pubescent girls with developing breasts before the days of the training bra. One gorgeous Italian brunette with curly locks in white cotton pantaloons, adult-sized-yet-in-the-vein-of-toddler-gear. One striking, dark-skinned blonde with a beautiful afro and a patch-work denim leisure suit. One dashing redhead wearing sexy, pirate-styled feminine attire, and a dainty sword. They are kissing, laughing, hugging and jumping up-and-down in the rain. Protracted shot. Picture pure, innocent, girlish deviousness. A moment caught between the days of Double Dutch Jump Rope and kissing boys for real.)
VERONICA (Cont'd)
Lets get inside, Adele, get that dress before it washes away!
(They enter a secret hatch in the dark alley and pass into a hall inside an old, dry-docked pirate galleon, left mostly undisturbed. ALBERTA seizes a box of matches in the darkness and lights a lamp, the hall being very familiar; as her breakfast plate is evidence of this, as it is left on an entryway end table and is being licked-clean by three hungry rats. The teens squeal grossly.)
ALL
Oh! Oooooh!
SOUND: Pounding rain, rat squeaks
(The rats scurry away. The rain pours onto the deck of the craft. No drips from above. Even on land, the ship is water-tight.)
ALBERTA
This way.
ADELE AND VERONICA
(Excited to see their best friend again in a familiar place.) We know the way...
ALBERTA
Seven months on the Cherry Mary! So much has happened here! My grand-uncle Jack gave me the deed to this place before he moved upstate to the old dairy farm. We don't have to sneak around in here anymore! It's all officially mine. I've expanded our clubhouse- (Throws a switch. Gaslights illuminate the interior.) This is all Mom and Dad will let me do with it.
(It is a full-sized doll house. Literally. Take a boat and cut it in half and fill the side with forty-one different half-rooms. The other side connects it, via tiered maze of staircases, catwalks and balconies. It is a compartmentalized, catacomb of feminine fancy; no sane man would go in there.)
ALBERTA
(Slow, easy.) There's a secret room behind every one of them and sixty-nine secret doors. Six secret passages and nine secret exits. How do you like our new clubhouse?
ADELE
Oh, oh, this is too much!
VERONICA
You sure as hell missed us, didn't you?
ALBERTA
I sure as hell did. (Crosses to the 'fake' safe in the Egyptian-stlyed treasure room. Opens it. Tosses the wads of cash inside. Closes it. Turns the knob. Opens it. It's empty. Leaves it open. Goes to the first-floor parlor. Sheds her wet clothes and dons a terry-cloth robe hanging over a canvas and easel. She lounges on the red-velvet couch.) The tea room is set, the pantry is loaded and I baked a Rum Cake yesterday.
VERONICA
This is amazing.
ADELE
Are those real dresses in the bedroom closet?
ALBERTA
In all the closets! Go for it, check it out, get outta them wet clothes. Look inside the cabinets... Secret doors, secret weapons, secret tools, secret projects. Plans, info. I've been very busy while you've been away on holiday.
(They shed their clothes and raid two closets and don loose-and-casual robes as well.)
ADELE
No holiday. Sunburned or seasick through most of it. I was stuck in the crow's nest on pirate lookout; all day in the sun; no tan.
VERONICA
Got real good at sewing sails. The men didn't like us - too superstitious. Feel lucky you couldn't go. My step-dad made me go.
ALBERTA
I think we need to smoke this in the secret sauna and catch up on things. (Slowly puts wet clothes into a nearby hamper.) I like your denim outfit, Veronica. You got real good at stitching fabric.
VERONICA
Yeah, real good. (Regards her palms and thimble-less fingertips.) Damn good with needles.
MS: Girls drinking and eating cake in a dollhouse boat while clad in preteen lingerie. A strange tea party indeed.
ALBERTA
I hope you can work miracles. (Picking up her dress for its trip to the hamper.) You might have to see what you can do with this. I told Daddy I'm out buying myself a new dress.
(Beat. The girls laugh.)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Winnebego mansion -- Evening
(WANDA WINNEBEGO sits across WINNIE at a long dinner table. WINNIE is in the worst form of denial. He has a comb-over mullet [a skullet] and wears mis-matched, nerdy, knock-off versions of clothes that were trendy to high-schoolers ten years prior. He's also got big, old-school 1770s horn-rimmed glasses. Now, if he used a toothbrush as much as he used hair gel, he might understand WANDA'S nightly quip about his yellow-and-dirty wooden teeth and know what in Havana's Habeas Corpus Hell of Halitosis she's talking about. Normally, they eat in silence; rarely speaking. Tonight, however, WANDA has got the drop on ol' WINNIE and will not pass-up an opportunity to employ a bitter surprise nor display her oneupwomanship. A Scottish butler [MAN FORMERLY WITH HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE AND SOUL PATCH NOW WITH MOLES, RED/GRAY HAIR AND HARDCORE MUTTONCHOPS stands at the door. It's the same guard from Ire and later, only seemingly older somehow -- even though no one really ages in this book. Why he's WINNIE'S butler is unknown for now. WINNIE belches loudly, breaking the silence moments before breaking wind.)
WANDA
Winston, your manners.
WINNIE
(Farts:) Can't say I really ever saw much use for manners when at home alone.
WANDA
(Swaps a glance with the butler.) You're not alone. (He farts again.) Winston, really.
WINNIE
Yo, Wentworth! Go fetch me another bottle from the cellar. Get the good stuff this time. This batch tastes like the ass-side of an outhouse.
WANDA
Perhaps I should be excused.
WINNIE
Nah, hang out, the best part's yet to come -- (Farts.) I've had a good one workin' up since I had that strawberry tart this morning...
WANDA
You're abominable. (Rises.) I'm sure a drunk, farting, ill-mannered pig of a judge is precisely what Adele wants to see when she arrives this evening. Yes, show her the excuse of a man that I've watched you become. Show her the real you, how much you don't care, how much you don't love anything but yourself. She'll be back on The Cherry Mary and out to sea before morning.
(Begins to exit. He lets the last one go and doesn't drag-it-out as planned.)
WINNIE
Wanda, wait! Are you saying Adele has returned? You know this?
WANDA
What do you care? The harbor bell tolled twice this morning -- The Cherry Mary has been docked all afternoon.
WINNIE
And she hasn't come home?
WANDA
She sent word -- she's with DeMoney's Kid and that other girl you don't like-
WINNIE
If she's with that little Captain Hooker and the Baron's brat then she probably won't be back until late.
(The butler enters with a prize bottle.)
WANDA
(Regards bottle.) That should give you plenty of time to polish this one off. Too bad it isn't Listerine. Enjoy it, your honor.
(Exits.)
WINNIE
What's Listerine? Yo! Wentworth, draw me a bath, lay out my coolest outfit and my silver chains. And my peace medallion-
WENTWORTH
Sir?
WINNIE
My sky-blue pantsuit, the one with the wide collar and the little disco-ball cufflinks sewed-on. You know, the cool one. Also get out my soft-leather, zip-up half-boots, I might go dancin' tonight. My number-one lady and I might be steppin' out to the club...
WENTWORTH
Sir?
WINNIE
My daughter, Wentworth. She will be returning tonight; have her room ready.
WENTWORTH
It has been readied, sir, as per the instructions of the house's mistress. The wine, sir.
WINNIE
Ah, nah, keep it corked. Clean up this mess and lay out a spread of some snacks and some goodies -- no, leave the wine here.
WENTWORTH
I shall summon the pastry chef from the barracks, sir.
WINNIE
Fine, Wentworth, but leave the wine. Over here, man! There. No, don't touch nothing else. Go get the chef and then light all the candles and lamps in the house. And make a colorful banner saying, "Welcome Home Adele." And party-streamers. And have the chef get the punchbowl out and clean it real good, no thumb-prints on the ladle this time. What are you waiting for, man?
WENTWORTH
Will that be all, sir?
WINNIE
You want something else to do or are you waiting for a tip that ain't gonna happen? You want a tip? Invest in rail, forget about those damn steam boats. Wentworth?
WENTWORTH
Will that be all, sir?
WINNIE
Hey when you run my bath, use some o' those sage-and-rosewood-scented bath salts. Way better than them lavender ones.
WENTWORTH
Yes, sir.
(Exits.)
WINNIE
(Struggles while removing cork.) Good help is... so... hard... to find.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Bling-Bling Shipping Company Headquarters
(LARRY is seated behind a modest desk in a very efficient-looking office. He is alone, after-hours, trying to reconcile the books to squeeze every possible penny toward his profit margin. The years have not been kind to LARRY. Although no one truly ages in this book, the tell-tale signs of brow-crinkling worry and the stresses of miserly money-management show in his ruddy complexion.)
LARRY
Total assets -- $31,415,926.64. It ain't divisible by five -- there's gotta be another penny in there... there's gotta be more...
(HAYLEY enters, looking for matches, massive blunt hanging from her mouth. She is a voluptuous, African-American woman of noble descent. In my book [literally], a total fox. She rifles-through the drawer of the desk where LARRY is examining his ledger.)
LARRY (Cont'd)
(Pushing long, swaying dread-locks aside to look at his ledger.) Hayley, can't you see I'm working? What are you looking for?
HAYLEY
A match. Something to spark Long-Chong Silver.
LARRY
(Offers lamp, sans glass shade. Sniffs.) Is that rolled from our good stuff? The Yucatan run?
HAYLEY
(Lights.) Where else? Damn pirates been smoking everything else you've got. Ain't you found a way from stoppin' them fools yet?
LARRY
No. It's a mystery, like the Jolie Rouge. Of course, The Mary returned unmolested, it always does! They never attack The Mary, and yet she's the oldest and slowest I got; why? (Toke.) Oh, but they'll strike me elsewhere! They're clever. They take what they want; no one fights them, they're too afraid of getting their pirate's curse. Those bandits take just enough for me to not report it; it's like they know how much I pay for insurance and exactly what my deductibles are. How could they know those things?
HAYLEY
No one will fight em, huh? I would; I ain't scared of that B-S curse atall. They've been claiming that crap for years; they ain't sick.
LARRY
It's part of the hype -- they just want to keep my men afraid. The ship that never docks, the ship that always sails, cursed pirates-
HAYLEY
They go back on land somewhere. Cursed, my ass. They ain't sick. Rumors; they all got a girl in port somewhere -- find their women and you'll find them. They ain't all out on the water all the time, I know them sailor types-
(Sits on his lap, passes.)
LARRY
(Tokes.) You do, huh?
HAYLEY
I know about them pirates anyway; you saved me and Veronica. I've never forgotten that, Hero.
(Kisses him.)
HAYLEY (Cont'd)
You were my knight in shining armor.
LARRY
My treasure. Best booty I've ever brought aboard.
HAYLEY
Behave. Veronica's back with us now.
LARRY
That won't change anything, I hope... The little lady did good. They said she took a liking to sail repair. She'll work out great.
HAYLEY
They say when she'd planned on comin' home? I don't want her out drinking in the taverns. I mean, what happens at sea stays at sea, but back in port, she's only thirteen and she's going to church; with me. I'm still her mother, and until that changes-
LARRY
Easy, easy... She's out with her girlfriends. She said she'd be back tonight and she asked me to give you her love.
HAYLEY
It's not her love that I think you want to give me. Put that pen down. (He does.) The other pen. (They smile.) What's for dinner, Pops?
LARRY
She's probably had it with seafood. Let's go inland tonight; pasta -- didn't she say she liked those cheeseburgers?
HAYLEY
Yeah, when she was six. She stopped eating beef two years ago. Something about trans fat. She'll do cheese pizza, though.
LARRY
Okay... Half-n-half. We could have that delivered here in an hour or less or it's free.
HAYLEY
I suppose we could. It's raining outside, even if our pigeons fly through the storm, they won't guarantee it will still be hot when it-
LARRY
Either way, that would give us time to-
HAYLEY
Hey, hero. You still haven't put your pen down.
(Kisses him.)
ZOOM IN
MS: Pen on desk
DISSOLVE TO:
LS: Bat-balloon approaching an island across a blue ocean in perfect weather
(We hear an odd homage to the theme of the 1960s Batman series as OLAF stands on a shoreline, aimlessly-tossing pebbles into the water. He looks up, dumbfounded. The bat-shaped hot-air balloon is made from stitched cloth and is colored black on the top side and white on the bottom, and the large, wicker canopy uses an odd array of mirrors and lenses to heat a central element that subsequently-heats the air about the core's filament to cause lift in the balloon. CAMPY adjusts the mirrors to deflate the craft as it passes over OLAF and nears the castle. Yeah, it's a laser-powered Zeppelin. Amazing what time creates.)
OLAF
Who are you? What is that? You were- how did you do that?
CAMPY
Thermal dynamics and the laws of physics, good sir. A small, day-time, hot-air craft, nothing exceptional to the learned.
OLAF
I've never seen anything like that. Why do you wear a mask? Are you a criminal?
CAMPY
No, I am but a student of the Shower-Lynn, from the holy temple of Roxanopolis. I seek the honorable Mistress Conn. She here?
OLAF
Yes, but who are you?
CAMPY
(Bows:) You may call me Kong, and you are?
OLAF
I'm Olaf. Come with me.
CUT TO:
INT. CASTLE
(They enter the Castle. SADIE is playing a harp. She looks up and sees a new face. She keeps playing throughout.)
SADIE
Olaf, who is this? I wasn't expecting any new arrivals, did you get lost? Shipwrecked? Who are you?
CAMPY
(Bows deeply.) I am Student Kong, Mistress Conn. I was sent here by Master Casino to be further-educated in the ways of the Shower-Lynn. Please accept me as your pupil; your rejection means I will wander aimlessly on the path of ill hopes for the rest of my nights.
SADIE
Hmmmm, sounds like something Bureaucrat would say. Who is teaching you in your order, Student of the Shower-Lynn?
CAMPY
The Order Of The Stone Dragon is very select, Mistress. There's Master Casino, and also the honorable Master Poke-
SADIE
Poke! Of course, I knew it! (Stands.) Come 'ere boy, lemme get a look at you. (Checks his teeth like a horse trader, peers under the mask) What's with the facial tatts? Bureaucrat give you those? They're kind of sloppy-
CAMPY
Master Casino and I both received our ink when we ventured into the Lost City of Rox-
SADIE
The Lost City! Ah! So it is real, then? I knew the old man wasn't delusional...
(She sparks a blunt and passes.)
CAMPY
Yes, Mistress, I have been there and will return to there from here when I am dismissed from your service.
SADIE
If you're gonna be my pupil, that could take some time. My path is slow and measured.
CAMPY
(Passes.) I am aware of this. I am instructed to pay particular attention during your "special" education-
SADIE
Spe- Hey, does Bureaucrat think I'm a- Turn around, boy, lemme look at you. Eh! Not too bad, I guess. You're kinda young, but you young 'uns know how to get creative, paving the way and all. What exactly did B- what did your master tell you to study here?
CAMPY
Master says for the first six months I am to study combat and silent footfalls, the next six-
SADIE
No, no, hold on. If you're gonna be under me, you're gonna do things my way. This is a thankless job day in and day out and never a kind word from anyone. You're here to help me out and when I say you're done, you're done. This week, I'll teach you how to do chores around here. Next week, you're gonna learn to cook. Nobody knows how to cook on this island. Nobody. You're gonna know. After that, you're going to learn how to rub my feet without tickling me, that's real important. I'm always on the verge of going postal, so you'll need to understand that when you're washing my stress away with a good foot massage you're holding the lives of every person on this island literally in your own hands. And all the rest of this year is going to be taken-up with you showing me that you know how to properly change a diaper.
CAMPY
Mam?
SADIE
I ain't showin' yet, but your Master Casino and I have got a little girl cookin' in my oven. And if he wants to offer you as a replacement sex-slave and a full-time nursemaid I ain't arguin' -- I can use the support. (Pause.) Wait, didn't he tell you I was knocked up?
CAMPY
I- I was told to expect surprises.
SADIE
True that! You might just work out, Student Kong. Olaf, go feed the inmates and patients their dinner. I'll take it from here.
OLAF
Yes, Miss Sadie.
SADIE
Hey Olaf, don't look all down, Kong's a new friend for both of us. Don't you want to be friends with my friends?
OLAF
Ja.
SADIE
Then start being friends with Kong. He's gonna be our castle cook, ain't that right, Kong?
CAMPY
Yes, Mistress.
SADIE
See? So go fetch dinner and be happy knowing that as soon as Kong learns how to cook, you won't have to go make dinner no more and you can stay and hang out with me some more while I'm all preggo and moody anyway. How does that sound, Olaf?
OLAF
(Smiles, alight:) Real good! I like that really, really good!
SADIE
Great. Get crackin' Olaf, them folks are starvin' out there!
(OLAF exits.)
SADIE (Cont'd)
(Deeply tokes, playing fervently -- fortissimo then piano. She's excellent and very practiced.) Where were we?
CAMPY
Mistress, we were discussing my education.
SADIE
Oh yeah. We'll have to give you the accelerated course. (Tokes, doesn't pass.) For the next few months, it's just gonna have to get weirder and weirder for you. Okay, little man, take off your clothes, let me see what I'm working with here.
CAMPY
Mam?
SADIE
(Crosses, uncrosses and recrosses legs.) Do you question the orders of all of your Shower-Lynn masters or only the ones who have yet to cause you pain?
MS: Pair
(He disrobes and stands before her, naked, still wearing his gorilla mask. We see his butt and her face. She regards the cigarette-holder holding her thin, burning spleef. Ten inches. She looks to CAMPY with wide eyes. She deeply tokes; staring.)
SOUND: Harpstring - TWANG!
(She swallows hard and stops playing the instrument.)
SADIE (Cont'd)
(Leaning in, showing cleavage.) You've come to the right place. Welcome to Hell's Island, Kong. You're going to like it here.
CAMPY
I think I will, too.
SADIE
(Adding a little leg to the tease. Smiles.) Looks like parts of you already do. We're gonna have to shave you from head to toe. (Pause, tokes.) Kong, I think you'll fit in here just right.
FTB