Scene 3.13 - Oh Those Gals!
EST: EXT. Barbershop - Dawn.
FADE IN
INTO FRAME: Men and wagon roll into town
(DOC BONEBRAKE and MARSHALL LAW are at the front of the wagon, pulling and steering. TEX RANGER and POCACHICALOT are pushing from behind. The wagon is sloppily-carrying gear and an old tarp. The men have recently-trudged-across the Black Prairie.)
ZOOM OUT
DOC BONEBRAKE
Sorry your horse got away, Tex. I thought I had tied a half-hitch, but it must have been a faulty sheep-shank.
TEX RANGER
It’s a’ight.
MARSHALL LAW
We kin look fer Trudy after we get this stuff over to Rusty’s Ranch.
TEX RANGER
(Having already vented, leans toward the optimistic:) Don’t fret about it. She prob’ly jus’ saw somethin’ to gitter spooked. She’s a smart one. She’ll come back when it’s safe. She always does. Plus, the wagon's alot lighter now, and Doc's right, that pee-troll-lee-um works great as axle grease. Edon't feel like we're totin' a wagon a-tall.
(TODD SWEENY watches the tired and silent men while sweeping the walkway in front of his shop.)
TODD SWEENY
Mornin’ Marshall! See ya ran into Doc. Mornin' Doc! Looks like y’all had a long night. That’s what drinkin’ all afternoon in the saloon will lead to; yessir, mmm-hmm! And Doc, you're old-enough to talk these men outta goin’-on crazy witch-hunts now. Mornin' Chief, l see you got the same fly-away hair as your squaw. I fixed hers. Getcherself as clean as my cigar smokin' Injun here and I'll fix-you-up, too. I’d offer ta give ya'll a shave cuz ya'll a mess, but ya’d hafta getcherselves all cleaned-up first. Looks like ya’ll been traipsin’ ‘cross the Black Prairie.
TEX RANGER
Now what ever gave you that idea, Tulip?
TODD SWEENY
Good mornin' to you, too, Big-Tipper! Hmmmm. Don't it look like someone done gone on an lost their horse and wants to take-it-all-out on the rest o’ the little ‘ol world now?
TEX RANGER
Whatever, Petunia.
POCACHICALOT
Barber of Many Rainbows, can you fix poor Pocachicalot’s greasy, untamed fly-away hair?
TODD SWEENY
Honey, I could do wonders with that silky mane. I’m sure I can fit-you-in tomorrow morning.
POCACHICALOT
Chief appreciate it very much.
TODD SWEENY
Tell me, Chief, where ya’ll shuttling that dynamite off to?
MARSHALL LAW
Dynamite? Who told you it was dynamite?
TODD SWEENY
Oh come now, why else you pullin' that cart so slow?
DOC BONEBRAKE
Know somethin’ ‘bout it, do ya?
TODD SWEENY
I know that you shouldn’t leave it too long out in the sun.
MARSHALL LAW
Aw, that’s jus' nitroglycerin. This here’s dynamite.
TODD SWEENY
I dunno who told you different, but I wouldn’t leave those cases on that wagon all day. Sun’s already done come up, it won’t take too long now.
TEX RANGER
We ain’t got that far to go, no-how.
TODD SWEENY
Chief, where ya’ll goin’ with that there dynamite? These white men talk you into doin’ something crazy again?
POCACHICALOT
We’re sealing-up The Mine Of The Pale-face Madman and the well at Old Maid’s Ranch.
TODD SWEENY
Blowing up the mine! Sealing up the well! No! You can’t!
(The wagon stops.)
MARSHALL LAW
Why in tarnation not?
TODD SWEENY
The deputies, your daughter, Summer Rain, the girls!
TEX RANGER
What about ‘em?
TODD SWEENY
They’ve gone down into the well at Rusty’s Ranch, hoping to catch the monster that’s been roaming the countryside!
POCACHICALOT
What!?!
(With a variety of euphemistic ad-libs, the men close in on TODD SWEENY.)
MARSHALL LAW
Oh, those gals! (Puts hand on TODD SWEENY.) What do you know about this?
TODD SWEENY
I- I tried to stop them, but they don’t ever listen to me. You know how them women-folk are, once they get some crazy notion in their head -- Really, I tried to talk them out of it, but they went anyway!
MARSHALL LAW
When did they leave?
TODD SWEENY
Oh, it musta been, oh, sometime last night. Seven or eight hours at least.
MARSHALL LAW
Come on men, we haven’t a moment to lose. Todd, you unload that there wagon fer us and get that dynamite to your back storeroom -- where it's cold.
TODD SWEENY
Sure thing, Sheriff, anything to oblige.
TEX RANGER
And while you’re at it, go feed that mangy pup that’s sleepin’ in Doc’s laboratory. He’d sure like you. His name’s Lucky. (To MARSHALL LAW:) We’ll take the rope and lannerns, justin case.
MARSHALL LAW
Get that camera outfit you got there, too, Tex. I’ll carry the rope. Don’t want ya ta miss getting a good picture if the chance should arise.
TEX RANGER
Good thinking, Marsh.
MARSHALL LAW
Let’s go get those gals!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. Rusty’s Well
(RUSTY is in a geisha madam’s outfit with cigarette holder and chopsticks in hair. The men decend the rope down the well, various sticks of dynamite, lanterns, guns and travel packs carried all the while. RUSTY snorts some white powder from her pinky nail.)
RUSTY
Y’know Marshall, if’n I wudn’t wearing my new dress, I’d join you. (Snorts.) Oh well, I can’t spoil the opportunity for adventure. Count me in.
(Starts to unbutton the hem of her dress, bringing the slit up to near-indecency, steps over the side of the well.)
MARSHALL LAW
Rusty, I’m ashamed of you. Commonwealth is like a daughter to you and you let her go down this well with some crazy girls all filled-up with bravado.
RUSTY
(Straddling it.) They were very persuasive, plus once I got my own sinuses all cleared-up and could let the air get to my brain and to get to thinkin' all clear-like, I could kinda see it myself how they could catch that little rascal and have a parade and all.
POCACHICALOT
Summer Rain timid as butterfly. Chief must find squaw and protect her.
RUSTY
It’s kinda hard to get on this rope in heels. Hold-up.
TEX RANGER
How deep does this well go?
RUSTY
See the glowing green pebbles down there?
TEX RANGER
Yeah.
RUSTY
Them’s boulders.
TEX RANGER
I see.
MARSHALL LAW
I admit they got you all dolled-up and lookin’ pretty, Rusty, but that ain’t no reason to lose yer head and let these women go down and get themselves lost down here.
RUSTY
They seemed pretty sure of themselves. You really think I look sexy, Sheriff?
MARSHALL LAW
Lady, from where I see it, you’re the prettiest gal this side of the Texas panhandle.
(Not to belabor it, but, looking up, MARSHALL LAW can see right up RUSTY’S dress, as God made her to be.)
RUSTY
Oh my! Marshall, I had no idea! I thought after your dear, beautiful, kind and saintly wife so peacefully passed away in enraptured spiritual bliss after Commonwealth sang to her the dear woman’s favorite hymn on that perfect Easter morning at her deathbed surrounded by all the people who always loved her that you were- well...
MARSHALL LAW
Unavailable?
RUSTY
Why, yes.
MARSHALL LAW
Well, that jus’ ain’t the case. After all this is over, I reckon I outta stop by for some afternoon lemonade and we can talk about it even some more. None will e'er replace Commonwealth's ma, but a man's gotta go on livin'.
RUSTY
True. Lemonade sounds delightful, Marshall. I never intended to become a spinster, but I’m nearly twenty-three now and here I am, all alone with my thirty-two hundred acres. But know this, if you’re going to court me, Marshall, know that at my age, I have expensive tastes. I don’t consider the circus or the state fair to be very exotic a-tall.
MARSHALL LAW
I imagine I’ll come up with something sooner or- good-gravy, Tex! Are you at the bottom yet?
TEX RANGER
They’re lookin’ like boulders now, and that glow... it’s just sparkly sand stickin' to the rocks.
RUSTY
Right, like I told ya, them's tailings. Lil’ pieces of sand that wershed from the moon cave.
(TEX RANGER helps POCACHICALOT, then DOC BONEBRAKE, then MARSHALL LAW, then RUSTY to the bottom of the well.)
TEX RANGER
Hey, I heard all 'bout them there rocks at that there city-slicker's museum up in New York Sitty. They's radium, rhodium, uranium and some other kinda rock.
RUSTY
I dunno, but the people that go all the way into the moon cave get real sick and die.
TEX RANGER
(He visually inspects the sand without disturbing it.) Yeah, uranium. I think they use this stuff to glaze porcelain and to color stained glass. There's a factory 'round the corner from ol' St. Jude's orphanage in Haarlem where I grew up. I remember them workers taking their lunch breaks. I think we should be wearing face-masks or something.
MARSHALL LAW
You mean like in them coal mines? You think we shouldn’t light the lanterns?
DOC BONEBRAKE
(Lights lantern from sulphur match, lights the other lanterns.) They worry about methane, a much lighter element. Uranium is heavier on the periodic table. And you’re right, they use it to glaze porcelain. Now that the science class is over, does anyone have an idea which way the ladies might have gone?
RUSTY
I imagine upstream. This dry creekbed leads up to the moon cave, and then darts over to the Black Caves. Well, that’s jus' what I hear, anyways.
TEX RANGER
Let’s go. Chief, you hold the lantern, I’ll keep my camera and my six-shooter handy. The rest o’ ya, follow us.
RUSTY
This sand makes the trail a little slippery. May I take your arm, Marshall?
MARSHALL LAW
Why, absolutely, madam.
DISSOLVE TO: