Scene 6.26 - The Faygo-kin
EST: EXT. DARUKKUS JUNGLE GROVE
VAN HAGAR
(To PORSCHE as he applies strawberry-milk-pink colour to the shoulders of several large Brew-men, shaped into very large, yield-sign-lookin' triangles:) Coozy... these are fifteen of our fiercest fighter fops to serve you as your guard... the Faygo-kin. He pauses, then holds up his brilliantly-bright pink hand.
FAYGO-KIN
UFF-DA!
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(An explosion. PORSCHE turns and his eyes are totally red. He lifts binoculars to them and looks. He sees the Brew-men fighters below charging at the Narc-On-Ems. As the Brew-men toke, they run and make powerful sounds with their weirdo modules, exploding everything in their path and briefly catching things on fire.)
EXT. CARRYALL - JUNGLE - DAY
(In the distance, a huge spice carryall is shot down and it falls to the ground exploding more violently on impact. The heavy rains and lack of oxygen douse the flames.)
BACK TO SCENE
PORSCHE
Now!
(VAN HAGAR signals, and Brew-men run behind them. Heavy metal music oddly wails.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(To VAN HAGAR:) They're even better on the battlefield than in the training rooms!
CUTAWAY:
INT. GREEN ROOM - ON THE SET OF DANK
(CHEETO is with BUNKO, KIND, LOOGY and PITTER in the green room, in make-up, but out of costume. They are toking, eating and drinking. INDICA is quietly sitting in a corner, in costume, buried in her cell-phone, texting and scrolling, texting and scrolling, There are numerous CREW SLUTS milling about -- smoking and laughing and gossiping with SHOUT-OUT, who is looking fine as hell and winning the drinking game. There is a wide-screen television airing the movie. We see PORSCHE scale a large leaf on the screen.)
CU: PORSCHE ON WIDE-SCREEN MONITOR
PORSHE (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) Sound... as a weapon. If only you could see them, father.
CU: DUKE CHEETO
DUKE CHEETO
I can, Son, I can. You're doing great!
BUNKO
Shoots! We're nearly to the end, eh?
KIND
(Looks at long blunt:) Nah, there's like a boat-load more to go...
PITTER
I knew I shouldn't have left my stash with the Baron, I'll never get it back. He's probably already smoked it...
BUNKO
Shoots, he never have. He never be holdin' -- 'cept smokin' some-buddy else's Pakalolo...
LOOGY
(Tosses lit blunt -- PITTER catches it perfectly:) Hit this, Pitter -- the Baron'll be here soon enough and then you can produce that super blunt that you've been bragging about...
PITTER
I did roll a super-blunt! It was the last of my Kryptonite!
KIND
Whatever... what was it supposed to be last night? Purple Haze?
PITTER
I was getting pulled over, I had to ditch it!
KIND
Whatever... you gonna hit that?
BUNKO
Shoots, pass it here if you not going to hit, yeah?
PITTER
Chill! I'm working over here...
(PITTER craftily tokes.)
CHEETO
(A sexy tart sits on his lap:) Hey Kind, when's Rub-On get back? He was supposed to pick up the condoms and summa that new-flavor love-lube... This is getting like torture already...
KIND
You mean like "torturous" already. So, who am I, the frickin' A-D? How should I frickin' know?
CHEETO
You were the last to see him, bro...
PITTER
(Passes:) Who's A-D?
KIND
Well, he was still alive when I left him...
LOOGY
(To a camping PITTER:) The Assistant Director, dorkus...
PITTER
Hey! My background's theatre... (For lack of a better word) ...Porkus -- howem my spoesto know? (Looks around to the various CREW SLUTS milling about. Hits deeply. Protracted pause. Throws a packaged pastry at KIND from a convenient snack bowl nearby:) Don't call me dorkus, doofus...
(A total air ball. It hits a tart on her backside. She turns, hopeful, thinking someone famous goosed her pilates-toned ass. Pause. Nope.)
PITTER (Cont'd)
(Throws another packaged pastry, this time on target -- KIND catches it.) I've had enough of you!
BUNKO
Can't we all just get along? Throw me summadoze Pecan Cinnimon Rolls dere, will you? Shoots! I so got the munchies over here, yeah?
CHEETO
(Quick, light, shhhhh-ey:) Shut up! Shut up! That crappy C-G-I part's all done -- he's back on!
BACK TO SCENE
CU: PORSCHE
(PORSCHE smiles as he looks at the battle in the distance from the crest of a large leaf.)
MS: THE CARNAGE
PORSCHE V.O. (Cont'd)
(His V.O. from the past:) When the spice flow stops, the entire Universe will turn to Darukkus. The Baron and the Emperor himself will be forced to deal with us.
INT. PASSAGEWAYS - DARAKKEEN - DAY
(RUB-ON stares dumbfounded as many NARC-ON-EM wounded and dead are brought through the passageway beyond. RUB-ON grabs a NARC-ON-EM soldier and asks:)
RUB-ON
What happened? What happened to you? What is he saying?
WOUNDED NARC-ON-EM
(Over-stoned:) Poop-A-Doob! Poop-A-Doob! Poop-A-Doob!
(RUB-ON pushes him away.)
A NARC-ON-EM SOLDIER
He's been repeating that name ever since we found him.
RUB-ON
Who is this Poop-A-Doob?
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Rain torrents; wet leaves. A big humper is forced into a branch. A rhythm is heard pounding on Brew-men hand drums and rhythm instruments. Feet scramble. Black spleef-suited Faygo-kin warrior bodyguards gather. VAN HAGAR turns.)
VAN HAGAR
(To PORSCHE:) Coozy... It is time you become a wormrider, eh? Travel as the Brew-men do, doncha'-know. Take these Been-Wah Baker Balls of our tree and ride as a leader of men.
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(As PORSCHE leaves the troop to plant the second humper:)
VAN HAGAR V.O.
Two humpers are plented, doncha'-know. The worm may not show for the first - he will certainly come for the second, U-betcha. Remember, when the worm approaches, you must be utterly still, eh? And close enough to plant the balls firmly in a toxin-slit, doncha'-know... The stimulation will cause the worm to turn and lift this vibrating area as far from the sticky sap as possible and it will take you with it -- to the top, eh? Do not get too close as he approaches... the sap will engulf you.... U-betcha. Wait till the head of the worm passes -- then go... quickly. Uff-da! Don't showboat or try any hot dog stunts, Coozy, you have nothing to prove, doncha'-know. Fulfilling our prophecy is impressive enough, eh? You only need to ride the Shia La-Beouf, as all Brew-men do, that is all, eh? Please understand, even our small boys can do this. U-betcha!
VAN HAGAR & BREW-MEN
Shia La-Beouf... Shia La-Beouf...
(In the distance the telltale storm, signaling the worm's approach begins. This worm is climbing from far below and the sound is low and the tree trembles violently.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Only the very strong ones navigate the larger branches....
(The sound and vibrations continue to build. In the distance, the Faygo-kin and VAN HAGAR watch.)
VAN HAGAR
(To the others:) Coozy has called a big one. Again... it is the legend.
PORSCHE
(Pause, quick-take:) Hey, Brother, you think I can get a copy of this legend so maybe (emphasizes, points to self:) I can know what's gonna happen?
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Rain torrents... Thunderous approach of the worm. PORSCHE still cannot see the worm, but the sound begins to drown-out the Brew-men rhythm instruments and the leaves begin to vibrate. Suddenly, PORSCHE sees...)
EXT. WORM - DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(...a glowing mountain of sap-coated brush rises up, towering, thundering -- lightning lights; fissuring throughout the air above the worm. The luminous, multi-colored mountain approaches at a terrifying speed. Then, the worm appears in full camouflage-- rushing. The mouth, at first a small opening, begins to widen -- exposing glistening choppers.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(PORSCHE freezes. He lets the worm get closer and closer. The rain torrents distort the gigantic form, making it more hideous -- more foreign. He moves forward. The others watch anxiously. This worm is big. It is so much larger than imaged. Its top towers 69 feet in the air. The luminous segments are each a dozen feet wide.)
EXT. VERTICAL SECTION OF WORM - JUNGLE - DAY
(PORSCHE gets close and running alongside, he plants the balls inside a two-foot, toxin-oozing slit near a barbed hair of the worm. He jiggles the rope. The sound is excruciatingly loud. The sap is so deep and more is being thrown out beneath the body of the worm. PORSCHE gets caught in it and falls. He narrowly escapes being sucked-under the thousand-foot inchworm. He gets up -- runs again and plants the balls once more, deeper this time with his forearm going in to ensure deep penetration. He runs faster, pulling the slit's fleshy mouth open to expose the tender flesh within. His arm begins to vibrate, the balls now fully operational. The worm turns.)
EXT. FULL-SIZE SECTION OF WORM - JUNGLE - DAY
(PORSCHE pulls himself up the body as it turns -- holding onto the ropes tethered to the vibrating balls. Soon he is thirty -- forty -- sixty-nine feet off the ground. The giant worm gets the second humper and PORSCHE at that moment climbs to the top. He plants the second set of balls in another, nearby, toxin-oozing slit.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) A wormrider!...
(PORSCHE raises sap-and-toxin-coated arms, much like Bastian did on the luckdragon in The Never Ending Story, except Bastian did it without the sap and toxins and Been Wah Baker Balls and all... This is Been-Wah-Baker-Sap-And-Toxin PLUS!!!)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(The other Brew-men all clamber-on, climbing-up the sides to the top.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Yelling:) Long live the stoners!
(They return the traditional call and PORSCHE steers the maker in a giant circle. They head out across the leaves.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(RUB-ON and NARC-ON-EMS in the jungle. RUB-ON observes tremendous destruction of his spice harvesters and carryalls.)
EMPEROR'S WORLD REPORT VOICE
Seventeen Great Houses of the Rad Lands have reported a significant delay in delivery of spice per CHONG agreement. This constitutes a serious violation of CHONG codes. Contact Baron Gregor Narc-On-Em immediately.
INT. GREAT HALL - DARAKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(A furious RUB-ON sirs in a black steel tub in the Great Hall. Yeah, his man-boobs are pierced and tattooed. A squad of TROOPS stands at attention in front of him, listening to his screaming fit. A rubber duckie pops up as RUB-ON shifts in the tub.)
RUB-ON
Falsify the reports. We can't hide it all, tell them we've lost only four hundred harvesters... and twenty carryalls... and don't let my uncle know about the destruction of the spice silos.... I will catch this Poop-A-Doob and suck the blood from him! SUCK THE BLOOD FROM HIM!
EXT. HARVESTER - JUNGLE - DAY
(A destroyed harvester.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(Fighting is going on between Brew-men and some smugglers. PORSCHE moves down a slippery leaf with VAN HAGAR followed by Brew-men and Faygo-kin.)
PORSCHE
We surprised a band of smugglers.
VAN HAGAR
(Racing into the wet wind:) Too bad... thought they were Narc-On-Em.
(PORSCHE and VAN HAGAR move through the rain. A man runs up with a maul-ya pistol aimed at PORSCHE but PORSCHE spins and over-stones the man's chest with a sound from his weirdo module. The man passes out; heavily sedated. PORSCHE turns and a large figure comes through the rain torrent. They surprise each other. The figure holds a gun.)
PORSCHE
Smarty!...
(The figure stops -- stunned.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
You've no need of your weapons with me, Smarty Alleck.
SMARTY
(Peering; whisper of hope:) Porsche! Porsche!
PORSCHE
Don't you trust your own eyes?
SMARTY
Yours have become so red. The Mentals said you were dead. They said...
(PORSCHE shows him the mood signet ring on his finger. SMARTY moves forward, his eyes tearing, and the two embrace each other and pound each other on the back, like a nephew home from war greeting his uncle.)
SMARTY (Cont'd)
You young pup! You young pup!
FTB