Volume One, Chapter Six
DANK
ANIMATION STYLE 2
TILT UP FROM NOWHERE
(Dearest Reader, please, peruse the following: This is a long paragraph that on the surface says nothing of consequence but inwardly says everything of importance; for it is the truth. Very few people have any love for a writer. Perhaps only you, Dear Reader, and then perhaps for only the exalted author who has long passed from this world. When I'm seeking visual artistic stimuli through painting and the occasion occurs where a friend visits me, he or she can see the progress right there on the easel: one can see the efforts made, one can witness the result of long, lonely hours of sacrifice. This is never the case for a written draft. It isn't easy to write a book, and it certainly isn't easy to write a good one, and it's even harder for an author to keep it good once it has been written in draft form; for the good author is also a good editor -- and is forever cursed with maternal, Medean eyes: Alone, the author sees a third-trimester monstrosity that could either be a triumph or a travesty, and merciful miscarriages come easily to the discerning writer -- as there's little difference between tact and fact; a mere inversion of a stroke of a letter. I write only for you Dear Reader, and for future readers who will read this long after I have passed from this world. If an author or a poet writes to receive immediate encouragement or imminent praise, then certainly that author or poet has grand misconceptions about the industry. The masses conservatively reserve their applause for the actor, or for the musician. Praise and support seldom comes to a writer when a writer needs it most -- when the writer is actually writing the work. This appreciation for a writer is seldom found in critics and publishers, but there are notable exceptions. Therefore, out of artistic respect, I must point out a few little contributions to the world of writing that make the endeavor of creating this book possible. Five of the ten most-ripped-off fantasy and science fiction world-views are cited below -- I, however, don't intend to rip them off as others seem to do without constraint; I choose to merely parody these works and provide homage under fair use; and invite readers to purchase and enjoy the original works as I have done. Give to Caesar what is Caesar's: Attribute to Christ what was said by Christ...)
PAN LEFT TO NOWHERE
(Thanks to: The Ancient Greeks for Greek Mythology; J.R.R. Tolkien for The Hobbit, or There and Back Again [Book Series] 1937-; STAR TREK [Television Series] By Gene Roddenberry, 1966-; STAR WARS [Film Series] By George Lucas, 1977-.)
PEDESTAL DOWN TO SOMEWHERE ELSE
(There's four of the five... now for the fifth:)
ZOOM IN FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE
(This chapter is drawn from a specific work created within an established pantheon of science fiction; known by many, but not by all: I write of the diverse and intricate world known as Dune. After many failures by many other directors, David Lynch was the first big director who wrote a complete screenplay of Frank Herbert's best-read book and was able to get it produced and released in theaters, so let's give him full credit -- even if, like me, you're not exactly a big fan of his artistic weirdness. To best enjoy the humor found in this chapter, please feel free to consult the original, copyrighted works through which this critique aims to parody: DUNE [Book Series], By Frank Herbert, 1965-; DUNE [Screenplay, Seventh Draft] By David Lynch, 1983-; DUNE [Film], By David Lynch, 1984-. This work is completely transformative -- and if you haven't read or seen the works from which I am drawing material, please know that the "green" slant is solely and soulessly mine. Happy reading!)
Scene 6.01 - Opening Credits
From studio black to video black
ANIMATION STYLE 4
FADE IN
SLOW, SUSPENSE MUSIC UP
(Gold azalea petals fall from the skies. We see a field of gold things; money, watches, trophies, medals, teeth, etc.)
CG1: Part Six - Man vs. Marijuana.
PAUSE: Three seconds.
CG2: Welcome To The Jungle
PAUSE: 120 Frames.
FX: The CG letters get smoked away. Pause.
FULL ORCHESTRATION, GRANDIOSE THEME MUSIC UP
Waving in the breeze is a CHROMA GOLD DRAPE.
CG: Directed By [Director’s Name]
CG: Screenplay By Jynx
LOSE CG
(Dissolve in: The Universe, clocks, horizons, rocketships, waving U.S. Flag, Americana, etc.; all projected-on the gold, rolling drape. Music is at three-quarters, softer and lighter. Super-impose hot pics of the cast, circa 9969, in an alternate universe, of course.)
CG: Starring: [Run additional credits.]
BLACKOUT
CG: This story is true. Names have been changed so no one gets busted.
LOSE CG
SILENCE
FTB
Scene 6.02 - Movie Open
EXT. The Universe
ELS: THE UNIVERSE
MUSIC: A descending, synthesized note that levels-off around middle C.
DISSOLVE IN:
CU: INDICA'S EYES
ZOOM OUT
CU: INDICA'S FACE
(INDICA addresses the camera directly. Her ebony skin is shiny with pearl dust, her hair is adorned with golden lace. She is radiantly-beautiful in a princess gown and stands-out against a backdrop of a celestial panorama that dwarfs the imagination. There is a pause as we relish her beauty. This is as hot as it gets...)
INDICA
A beginning is a very delicate time. Know then, that it is the year 99-69. The Known Universe is led by House Purrina, which is ruled by the Jerr-i-tol Emperor Sh-Boom the Fourth, my father. In this time, the most precious substance known is Simoleon Spice, an herb that once smoked, allows one to extend life, to expand consciousness -- it is vital to space travel. The Spaced-Out Guild and its navigators, who the spice has mutated over-four-thousand years, use the green spice gas; which gives them the ability to fold space -- that is, travel to any part of The Universe without moving. (Pause.) Oh yes, one other thing; Simoleon Spice exists on only one planet in The Entire Universe; the planet Topiary IV, also named Darukkus -- for all the chaos that exists there. It's a wet, musty planet with vast forests and a dark, jungle continent. Hidden away in the heart of the Southern, jungle islands are a people known as the Brew-men, who have long held a prophecy that a man would come. A messiah who would lead them to true freedom.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DARRUKUS - A SCENE FROM SPACE
(Also known as DANK, home of the Brew-men, former Been-looney wanderers.)
INT. LEAF LEDGE - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
BLACK
CU: The red eyes of the mysterious face of the REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO, who sits against smooth, green leaf. Her eyes are deep red-within-red and her skin is a haunting, translucent "Coppertone-tan" copper. Her voice echoes as if in a great cavern, or a great hockey rink, doncha'-know.
REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO
(A la Alaskan:) Alrightyden, we air the secret of da Universe, doncha'-know.
RESPONSE OF FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY VOICES
(A la Canadian:) Okey-dokey!
REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO
(A la Minnesotan:) We air the secret of Da Universe, ya. We know of spice, doncha'-know. ...the spice called Symolea...the greatest treasure in the Universe, U-betcha. It exists on only one planet - ours; Derrukus, Denk. We know of spice and the Been Lez-ah-bit sisterhood's selective breeding plen of sixty-nine generations to produce the Nick-Kneck-Peddy-Weck -- the one the spice will awaken, eh?
RESPONSE OF FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY VOICES
(A la Wisconsinite:) Uff-da!
REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO
(A la Michiganite:) And now, the prophecy, doncha'-know...
(Silence...then a loud sound of a master bong getting toked, resounding in the cavernous space.)
REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO (Cont'd)
(A la North Dakotan:) He will come...the voice from the outer world, bringing the holy wear, the Gee-head, which will cleanse the Universe and brehng us out of darkness, eh? He will heve been born of a Been Lez-eh-bit mother, U-betcha!
(The Reverend Mother continues speaking of the Prophecy, but nobody hears it. Everyone's too busy toking-it-up. The bong sound continues, as it begins fogging the area, obscuring a voice that most from Montana would understand perfectly.)
DISSOLVE TO: Leaves swaying across a verdant, jungle expanse.
INDICA V.O.
The planet is Darukkus, also known as Dank.
MUSIC UP
(Theme: Dum-Dum’-Dah”-Dum, Dum-Dum’-Dah”-Dum, Dee”-Duh-Dee-Duh’, Dee”-Duh-Dee-Duh’! Then, a la Carlos Mencia: Dee’-dee-dee!)
CG: D A N K
Lose CG after 5 seconds -- during the crescendo.
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.03 - A Secret Report
INT. SPACE
MS: Space.
CG: A glyph that looks like three connected anarchy symbols, then:
CG: A Secret Report Within The Spaced-Out Guild
GUILDSMAN
A Secret Report Within The Spaced-Out Guild. Four Planets have come to our attention which may affect Simoleon Spice production. (As each planet is listed, they appear from their respective places in The Universe and are shown close with a character-generated label.) Topiary IV, known as Darukkus, source of the Simoleon Spice. Lava-Planet Calderon, home planet of House Mercedes. Ice-comet Greedy Grime, the home world of the House Narc-On-Em. Concrete-and-ree-bar-ringed trash-planet Shi-It-Kan, center of our current, inter-galactic beauracracy, former site of all space disposal and home ghetto of Jerr-i-tol Emperor Sh-Boom The Fourth. Dispatch a Stage Three Navigator to Shi-It-Kan to demand details and a full explanation. Spice production must not be interrupted. The spice must blaze.
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.04 - A Cool Palace
EXT. Shi-It-Kan Palace, Weird Ship Landing All Weird-Like
(On the dark landing field, chemicals spill out of the ship in troughs and tank-suited Guildsmen begin to swarm out of a hatch opening, appearing very stoned.)
WIPE TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
EST: Shi-It-Kan capital city; palace
LS: INT. Palace master hall and throne room
(Medieval dress with the breasts-all-squashed-look abounds as courtesians and royal entourage-type cameos scurry to and fro. SH-BOOM enters. Next to SH-BOOM is THE REVEREND MOTHER HELL-ON-GAIA MOHAWK. They cross to INDICA, who stands-out, wearing a golden dress that only seems to match the room’s wall ornamentation and little else. Suddenly, a GUARD enters from a small door and quickly crosses to ANOTHER GUARD. A warning sound begins. The Emperor turns nervously. Guards quickly begin to clear the large room. Several women are rushed toward us to a door beyond. One woman, INDICA, stops and turns back for a worried, caring look to her father, the Emperor.)
SH-BOOM
(Adjusting his royal hair-comb within his beautiful afro, pulling at his tight corn-rows and adjusting his many long dread-locks adorned with platinum wire:) Indica, you've only got one more line, so you may as well say it and depart to the green room until your walk-on cameo at the end.
INDICA
Yes, father.
(INDICA exits. She sees that SATIVA WARRIORS are surrounding him now, speaking to him. INDICA turns and leaves. The Emperor moves away from his officers to the center of the now-empty room. He drops his golden robe from his shoulders. He stands in his elegant black uniform, thinking. The Reverend Mother is ushered in and the Sativa Warriors leave her alone with the Emperor and his dropped robe on the floor.)
SH-BOOM
(Quickly:) A Third Stage Guild Navigator will be here within minutes!
CUTAWAY: Surface of the tarmac as spaceship is about to land, trash blowing away and such.
SH-BOOM (Cont'd)
The guild is sending one of their navigators; I'm not sure why.
REV. MOTHER
We've detected his presence. (Pause, a thud from outside as the spaceship lands. REV. MOTHER closes eyes, states the obvious:) He's coming, my Lord; he's hammered...
SH-BOOM
I may need your Been Lez-a-bit skills. I want you to use your telepathy while he's here, and I want a full report when he's gone.
REV. MOTHER
Their minds are so.... They move in strange directions....
SH-BOOM
He's wasted, you say?
REV. MOTHER
Completely blotto... Forced spice evolution of humans changes many things.... That blasted, I must sit close to him.
SH-BOOM
He will not permit anyone but me to see him. You must be outside this room... Do what you can.
REV. MOTHER
(Playing with long locks of her feminine-Mohawk hair:) I am your truthsayer, my lord. (Drops lock, sensing something outside the room.) He's here, my lord!
MS: The front door. Loud locks unbolt. Grand hall doors open.
(Under the carved inscription "Let It Grow", the doors to the Emperor's chambers slide open. Enter a group of black-latex-clad cameos trucking-in a monstrous hookah. The transparent bulb of the giant water pipe is half-filled with an emerald-green liquid. Inside is NAVIGATOR. Seven stems lead to seven masks, each mask affixed-to-the-respective-faces-of the seven cameos. One other, free-wheeling cameo snaps his fingers as another puts some weird-translator-pipe-thing to his mouth. FREE-WHEELER deeply-hits the five-foot translator-pipe-thing and exhales a pale, green gas, creating an alien-sounding voice. He speaks in a foreign, guttural tongue, yet we hear an incensed, firm, resolute and amplified voice as if it came-through a very-old speaker system -- the kind made of tin. You know, a crooner’s mike or the kind shown in Buggles’ Video Killed The Radio Star.)
FREE-WHEELER
The Been Lez-a-bit witch must leave.
SH-BOOM
Leave us.
REV. MOTHER
As you wish, my lord.
(She exits and we follow.)
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
(She darts to an adjacent hall and sits on a bench. She expertly-licks-and-fires-up a joint, closes her eyes and rubs her temples -- keying-in-on what is transpiring next door. Take your time, this chick is smokin’ hot and shows lotsa leg for no one in particular, and we get to see it all.)
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM
SH-BOOM
We are alone.
(Inside the Emperor's chamber, the TANK-SUITED GUILDSMEN are arranging themselves in a "O" formation around the hookah. Suddenly the drapes covering the hookah lift, slowly-and-beautifully revealing a huge, thick glass bulb. Inside the bulb floats a THIRD STAGE NAVIGATOR. The bulb is filled with swirling green spice-gas, and Guildsmen continuously vacuum-up the toxic chemical spills dripping from under the hookah. Suddenly, the Guild Navigator floats towards the Emperor, his humanoid shape is seen. A guildsman-cameo lights the top of the hookah with a long staff like those used to light street-lamps. The tethered cameos begin inhaling as the bulb fills with a lighter-tinted green smoke. From the inside of the green smoke, a shadowy, fish-like man with dried-blood-red eyes and webbed hands is briefly-glimpsed swimming inside the bulb, floating about in the smoke. Its voice; as if underwater.)
NAVIGATOR
(Puts a webbed hand to the glass; we see the remnant of humanity within the mutated body for a moment.) I was reading the Guild Gazette, on the page that said Op-Ed, seems the Guild's got a prob, so they sent me, Hop-Head. (Bows.) Suffering just a few cuts and nicks, my lame butt just flew in from Kix.
SH-BOOM
Oh?
NAVIGATOR
Yes, and boy, are my arms tired. (Rim-shot.) “Soccer-Moms like Kix.” They have machines there. New machines. (Superfluous rim-shot, like an echo or something.) You are transparent; I see many things: Plans within plans; control of the Rad Lands -- I see three houses feuding; and yours I'm including -- I see you behind this. Who you think you are, Ozymandias?
SH-BOOM
You don't need to rhyme everything, you know -- I like so get it already; you're like all hopped-up on spice -- like, all the time.
NAVIGATOR
Indulgle me, man, I'll be as brief as I can. (Double-mega power hits.) You're the dude behind the feud.
SH-BOOM
The feud between House Mercedes and House Narc-On-Em? (Why? Is there another feud going on?) Yes, that's true.
NAVIGATOR
You must share with us to clear the air with us-
CUT TO:
INT. NEXT DOOR
REV. MOTHER V.O.
(Without moving lips; smoke lazily drifting out of her hairless nostrils:) Yes...
CUT TO:
INT. MASTER HALL
SH-BOOM
(Beat. Lame reaction. Reference: The Nemo Look. [If you're re-reading this book, you know what I refer to -- if not, don't worry about it; good readers don't read ahead...]) The House Mercedes is using a device unknown to us, one that involves sound. This could threaten my position as Emperor. Duke Mercedes has great popularity in the Rad Lands, and I fear that unless I do something, it is only a matter of time before he would use this new technology to usurp me, to challenge my authority as the H-N-I-C.
NAVIGATOR
Head Narcissist In Charge? (Why? Is there another acronym for it?) Yes, I see.
SH-BOOM
I have asked House Mercedes to leave Calderon and occupy Darukkus. Ostensibly, his garrison will be left open for opportunity -- with all the packing and unpacking of all their stash, the Duke won't have time for much else; moving across the Universe can be a difficult thing, you know.
NAVIGATOR
Oh! (Groans:) Don't I know it, even if I don't show it. It so can blow, you know.
SH-BOOM
I've- (Beat. Inner voice:) I've given-up an Othellian season of Shakespeare-In-The-Park at Stratford-On-Avon for THIS? (Out loud:) I've asked the Duke's entourage to take-over all spice-pruning operations on the planet, thus replacing their sworn enemies, the Narc-On-Ems. The Duke will not refuse, for he cannot resist the tremendous power he will gain in the Rad Lands and all the phat royalty shares he will receive from all the CHONG transactions going-down. Then, at a pre-determined time, the Baron Narc-On-Em and his red-headed-step-chil' -- er, his army of ginger soldiers will launch a sneak attack, fortified by five battalions of my finest Sativa Warriors.
NAVIGATOR
From your perspective I am able to see. This will rid you of House Mercedes, 1, 2, 3.
SH-BOOM
(Glad he got to share after all, for here's one who sees it:) Yes! Once House Mercedes is gone, no other great house in the Rad Lands will dare to rise-up against me.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
(Outside, the Reverend Mother is seeing the scene in her head. She suddenly flinches.)
WIPE TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - REVEREND MOTHER'S MENTAL IMAGE - NIGHT
(The Guild Navigator turns toward her and comes very close to her. We hear NAVIGATOR speak to her.)
NAVIGATOR
(To Reverend Mother, mentally:) Reverend Mother... To escape future wrath, I will give you the Ex-Lax-Oo Path.
REV. MOTHER V.O.
(An excited whisper:) A chance for quick evacuation? But for whom? (Pause.) From whom?
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM
SH-BOOM
My plan... You see the brilliance of it, yes?
NAVIGATOR
(To SH-BOOM:) I see. Easy as sparking a joint. (Pause.) There is, however, one small point...
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY
REV. MOTHER
Here it comes...
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
SH-BOOM
(Taps on glass:) Yo! Can you hear me?... If this visit has anything to do with spice...
(Why? Is there another reason he would just drop-in to say hello? NAVIGATOR shudders and swishes quite violently in his tank.)
NAVIGATOR
LISTEN TO ME! (Beat. Thumping beat, literally.) The spice must blaze... it's not just a craze... we need the haze to cut through the maze and to live for many, many, many days... it has enabled you to live four hundred twenty years, so you had better perk your ears... the spice helps make the afro juice, which can do much more than make you foot-loose, it gives the perma-sheen mentals the ability to crunk, to do break-dancing and spit free-style funk... the secret side of Simoleon Spice... the Resin Of Fruitful Life; like white on rice...
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
REVEREND MOTHER V.O.
He shouldn't speak of this...
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM
NAVIGATOR
...lets the Been Lez-a-bit gals foresee the roll of the dice...and to have equal pay-a and condition-a in the Missionaria Positiona... Our power to do space origami is all in the spice... It could be done by a Brew-man or a swami, but they're never precise... Without us, moving around would be ten times the cost; an empire not found... You would be lost.
SH-BOOM
Lost? Bro, I got G-P-S on my wristwatch, I can assure you...
NAVIGATOR
Do not interrupt! Our girl's breasts are still cupped... Yo! Dude, spark that joint, cuz I still got ONE SMALL POINT...
CUT TO:
INT. NEXT ROOM
REVEREND MOTHER (V.O.)
Yep, here it comes...
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
MS: MASTER HALL
SH-BOOM
(Blazes an Imperial Spleef.) Yes?
NAVIGATOR
We, ourselves... forsee a slight problem within House Mercedes. It's a problem that's to do with mixin' the guys and the ladies -- The Duke's son; Porsche, Porsche Mercedes... his future is... hazy. Yo, I did not say dees.
SH-BOOM
Needs work. (Turns head, a little confused:) Porsche?
NAVIGATOR
Porsche. Porsche Mercedes. He can go to Hades. We want him jailed. In jail, in jail. In jail without no bail.
SH-BOOM
Porsche Mercedes? Naw, bro, surely you mean his pappy the duke; Duke Cheeto.
(The water splashes within the bulb. NAVIGATOR'S red fish-eye is clearly seen as his face nears the glass. The smoke keeps churning inside.)
NAVIGATOR
No! Nyet! Nein! Negatori, we mean Porsche, yo, end of story. (Close to glass:) We want him in re-hab. Or on a stone slab. (He retreats into the smoke.) Blend his incarceration into your recipe and you will come with a meal very liking to me.... I was not here. I did not say this. We don't drink near-beer, I like mashed potatiss-
(The Guildsmen begin to exit, rolling-away the pipe and waving burning sage about.)
SH-BOOM
(Nod.) I understand. (Inner voice:) I understand he's got a leak in that tank somewhere...
(NAVIGATOR has retreated to within the bulb and the Guildsman are removing him. The Emperor watches as they leave. He wears a very perplexed, worried look on his face.)
SH-BOOM (Cont'd)
(Whispering, to himself:) Why would they want the Duke's son busted?
CUT TO:
INT. NEXT ROOM
(REVEREND MOTHER is surrounded by other feminine-mohawk-wearing witches dolled-up-to-the-nines.)
REV. MOTHER
(Leading them:) We must go to Calderon and have a look at Porsche Mercedes.
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.05 - Oh, Calderon!
EXT. SPACE - NIGHT
MUSIC -- DARKNESS -- WIND - THE PLANET OF CALDERON IN SPACE - HOME PLANET OF HOUSE MERCEDES.
EXT. LAVA FLOW - CALDERON - NIGHT
(Out of the DARKNESS we see hot lava flowing from a black rock cliff wall.)
EXT. CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(High on the volcanic cliff stands Castle Calderon, its appearance is dark and medieval. There is a window on the lavaward wall lit from within...)
INT. TRAINING ROOM - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(Lit by a drifting blowglobe, PORSCHE sits at an L-shaped table studying web pages and maps of Darrukus and the Universe on his U-pod cell phone.)
INSERT - CELL PHONE
(We see vast star fields and galaxies.)
BACK TO SCENE
PORSCHE
(Whispering:) Here we are now... seventeen light years beyond...
INSERT - CELL PHONE
(We see the galaxies move as we hear a hum.)
PORSCHE V.O. (Cont'd)
(Whispering:) ... beyond Phi Epsilon Mu, the cross-dressing planet... is Topiary IV; Darukkus.
(We hold on this, then we see Darukkus grow larger on the U-Pod screen and we see it is a planet of vast jungle with enormous trees and wet, rigid, green-and-purple, variegated leaves. Torrents of rain abound.)
BACK TO SCENE
PORSCHE
(Whispering again:) It does look damp....
INSERT - CELL PHONE
(The picture grows larger again, and we see the Darukkeen Lily. A large break between boughs allows a large, round-leaf-lookin' plant to grow in the gap. A human fortress is built upon the camouflaged, green, mile-wide lily-pad leaf. A phallic cone.)
U-POD V.O.
Each day the plasma-torches along the outer wall of the Palace at Darukkeen waste and burn enough precious Symolea leaf to sustain the highs of one hundred men. The plasma-torches were placed by the Narc-On-Ems to flaunt their herbal wealth in front of the city Brew-men. The official herb of Darukkeen is Narc-On-Em-produced, Half-Baked, Grimean Schwag-Weed.
(We see a stalk of schwag-weed with the Narc-On-Em "anarchy" symbol stamping "Official")
BACK TO SCENE
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Grimean head-ache weed? I'd sooner smoke lawn clippings. (Out loud:) Hey U-pod, where are the Narc-On-Ems from there?
INSERT - CELL PHONE
(The star fields and galaxies move slightly then. Then we see an all-too-familiar CG display with a little round clock-ticking glyph...)
CG: Buffering video, please wait...
CG2: [37%, 54%, 62%, 74%, 90%, 92%, 94%, 97%, 99%, 100%]
PORSCHE V.O.
(Whispering:) There!... Greedy Grime and the Baron Narc-On-Em... the enemy.
MS: Greedy Grime
U-POD V.O.
The Baron Narc-On-Em has sworn to obtain Duke Cheeto's Heirloom Signet Mood Ring for himself and vows to crush House Mercedes-
MS: Mood Ring with the Mercedes "Peace" Sign
CUT TO:
MS: PORSCHE
PORSCHE
Blah, blah, blah. Are there any chicks on Darukkus? Hey U-pod, what are guys like me on Darukkus watchin' on their U-pods?
(PORSCHE is sitting at a table in the middle of a room, smoking a long, pinner joint rolled with red, white and blue papers like the REV. MOTHER’S spleef. PORSCHE'S a little over fifteen years old and has a high-and-tight haircut; shorter than normal military regulation. There is an annex to the room that appears to be a futuristic dojo of some sort. PORSCHE looks on his rhinestone-decorated, blingin' U-pod cell phone, adjusts his chains and ill-fitted cap. Picture Jamie Kennedy as B-Rad in Malibu’s Most Wanted for reference. He just finished downloading the latest UniTube video that was pirate-uploaded from Darukkus. It's a high-budget, spice-packed video of CDM -- the Crazy Darukkeen Mental. Yes, PORSCHE'S favorite, most-ultra-cool rap-artist and four-time Galactic-Grammy winner, SKEEZER MCGREAZER; singing his latest, subversive chart topper --"Dankin' Blues" -- all while hot, scantily-clad women dance about him; all while he crunks. One can tell SKEEZER'S a true Brew-man, he's got them red-within-red eyes. The beat is bumpin' and trendy, and SKEEZER'S face is somehow... more... shiny. PORSCHE watches in awe; his head bobbin' to the beat.)
MS: U-POD SCREEN
SKEEZER
Got Brew-men a chillin' cuz the jungle is hot, yo!
Narc-On-Em boys illin' -- they be bakin' our pot, no!
Mercedes and his ladies rollin' on to our spot, ho!
Da battle for da dank is a battle well-fought, yo!
BACK TO SCENE
(The beat goes on. La-dee-da-dee-dee, la-dee-da-dee-da... SMARTY ALLECK, DR. LOOGY and SURFER HAZMAT enter the room. Without turning, PORSCHE smiles and gestures with his pinner, as if it is a teacher's pointer. He addresses his mentors and they seem equally-uneasy at the nonchalant attitude of the ducal apprentice.)
PORSCHE
(Smells air:) Angorian Blue-Tooth from a chestnut pipe; Smarty Alleck. (Sniffs:) Crystal Ambrosia from a vaporizer nose-ring and matching septum; Dr. Loogy; and what's this? (Double-sniffs, begins flipping though cell-phone pages as if he's web-surfing.) Surfer Hazmat, I would thought you'd know better than to bring your home-grown, Purple Yog-Soggoth schwag all-ground-up like that in your boxwood one-hitter; you know we all like to use it for blunt-wrap.
SURFER
Oh, Porsche, don't look so elated, you know those smells could be imitated!
PORSCHE
(Chuckles:) I would know the difference.
SURFER V.O.
(To himself:) That he would. That boy is good. He's still having fun -- Could he be the one?
(PORSHE turns; SMARTY'S got some long, musical water-pipe.)
PORSCHE
So what is it, then? Music? I see you got your Balls-In-It; that infamous Andalluvian Gravity Pipe; shall I crunk to your slurpy sounds?
SMARTY
This; is going on the voyage. No, no music today, dear Porsche. Today, we practice pearl-diving! Open-air combat! Deep-breathing exercises!
PORSCHE
Pearl-Diving? I took my deep-water mega-power hits this mornin'. (Disdainful:) I'm not in the mood.
SMARTY
Mood? Not in the mood? Moods are for hustlers and pushers, not for a Duke's son! Ready yourself!
(SMARTY pushes a button and a mask unfolds into his hand he puts it to his face. It sticks and hugs his head, as if alive. It fills with smoke and spits a thin stream outward in periodic bursts, like blows from a fist or puffs from a cannon. PORSCHE does the same and responds in kind, literally. Both begin exhaling massive amounts of pale green smoke. The masks connect via hoses and sparks fly and cover the combatants with wisps of the eerie stuff. A duel, of sorts.)
PORSCHE V.O.
(Huffing hard:) Smarty's not faking this. If my lungs can’t take the pressure, he'll outsmoke me and my mask will flood it all to me at once and the mix won't allow me to breathe and I'll be over-stoned; I'll pass out... I must not pass out; Where am I going with this? Light-headed. Yes, I must swallow the pearl... (Measured:) Deep breath. One pearl at a time. Deep breath.
(He points to SMARTY'S mask, it's light flashes amber.)
PORSCHE
(While holding in a hit:) A knock-out: Is this what you seek?
SMARTY
(Also holding breath, but smoother:) I see, but look at your own.
(PORSHE'S indicator light is blinking neon red. Decision: Stalemate.)
SMARTY (Cont'd)
We would have passed out together. The slow breath penetrates.
(They remove their masks, the smoky air dissipates. The masks fold away.)
PORSCHE
Would you have really stoned-me-to-death, Smarty?
SMARTY
If you would have taken that hit one whit under your abilities, I would have left you with an oregano-smellin'-bunk-schwag-migraine you wouldn't soon forget.
PORSCHE
Head-aches, yes. The word's always been out on the street that Grimean Ditchweed gives you a headache like you are "Free-Breathin' On Darukkeen." I had to consult Dr. Wacki just to know what that phrase meant. (Points to U-pod) Dr. Loogy, Wackopedia says that on Darukkus, people must wear special collars or else they suffer from migraines and general symptoms that are usually associated with P-M-S.
LOOGY
Yes, that much is true. Cramping, bloating, sounding like a woman ever-scorned. The atmosphere of Topiary IV is strikingly void of enough oxygen to sustain fire, much less a good high, and while humans can survive in the atmosphere unaided, special, plasmic-vaporizers and steam-generators must be used for smoking, and locomotion. The atmosphere is a tender one; it can make a person light-headed if they are without special spice-filters, like my Imperial Septum, here. After days of exposure, a person can suffer from dementia, even sociopathic behavior.
PORSCHE
What about the Brew-Men? Is that why they are so violent?
LOOGY
Not much is known about the Brew-Men, they are scattered about in the jungles. Most live far below the tree tops. I'm afraid I can't tell you much.
PORSCHE
What about the glow-worms of Darukkus?
LOOGY
Glow-worms? Oh, you mean Vermignis Ardeopilosus Giganticus Ignis Neo Astra, the elusive native specie.
PORSCHE
I guess so, sure.
LOOGY
They're leaf-eaters, and somehow, sulfur-breathers. They're luminous when they want to be. Not much else is known of them. Despite their enormous size, they're hard to find and even harder to catch. They’re deceptively-clever at camouflage, like a chameleon -- and they can also drop from branch a mile above and not sustain any injury from landing on a branch a mile below.
PORSCHE
They only eat leaves?
LOOGY
They eat anything that gets in their way. I have a small film-reel on the glow-worms of Darukkus you might find interesting. Early in the days of the planet's colonization, one was caught and studied; just a small specimen, I'm afraid, only four hundred and twenty meters in length.
PORSCHE
Four hundred and twenty meters!
LOOGY
I'll send it to your phone.
PORSCHE
Cool. Could it translate that to feet? You know House Mercedes hasn't gone metric yet.
(SURFER crosses over to PORSCHE, sparking his one-hitter. He clasps PORSCHE, like a protective uncle.)
SURFER
It's not by idle chance or for a sporting glance or mere happenstance that we should all meet, Four hundred and twenty meters is almost one thousand three hundred and seventy-eight feet. (Beat.) Porsche. Porsche. (Fleeting pause -- can't seem to rhyme Porsche with anything but Borsch and thinks better of it in less than a nanosecond:) I may not know what the Porsche rhyme is, but, you know how important this time is.
PORSCHE
("Wash" spoken in Mid-Western: Wore-sh rhymes with Porsche... oh well:) Yes, everyone's so serious all of a sudden; not even one blingin' party.
SMARTY
We leave for Darukkus a fart shy from two days, young Duke. Darukkus is real. The Narc-On-Ems are real. We need to be ready.
LOOGY
(File transfer complete, points to PORSCHE'S phone, PORSCHE checks it out:) There are have been documented sightings of worms as large as seven-hundred meters -- uh, about twenty-three hundred feet -- off in the deep jungle -- far from where we'll be in Darukkeen.... The jungle belt and the sub-surface regions are marked forbidden....
SMARTY
Why?
LOOGY
No one seems to know.
PORSCHE
The sap-swamps and the worms. Is it true that a typical Toparian Simolea-tree can produce 69 gallons of sap a minute?
LOOGY
No, it can produce 69 liters a second -- uh... around 20 gallons or so -- it draws from its resin-root reservoirs. You must consider the planetary scale -- we are but microscopic wood gnats, making camp on leaves of trees that are tens of kilo- er, many miles wide at the base and at least fifty miles tall at the top. The sap produced is natural to the plant; deadly to us. Many Toparian leaves can drown a person in minutes. And the wet winds and damp air can extinguish even the hottest explosion. It's plasmic fire without any flame, I'm afraid. Our electric-arc hookahs won't have enough oxygen to operate in the open air on Darrukus. We can't use oxy-fed arcs. We simply can't carry that much oxygen with us.
PORSCHE
Well, how do the Brew-men smoke there? Atomic vaporizers?
LOOGY
We don't know much about the Brew-men... They live in the deep jungle... some of them mill-about in the top-leaf cities -- and they all have the red-within-red eyes..
PORSCHE
(Smiling:) The eyes -- yes, yes... saturation of the blood by Simolean Spice. Could the spice affect us in other ways?
SURFER
Many planetary dangers exist over there. Not just the worms, not just the air.
PORSCHE
For one, we know the Narc-On-Ems would not have given up their CHONG company contract so easily unless there was something in it for them -- like our demise.
SURFER
A nasty Narc-On-Em is best left dead with a mark on 'em.
PORSCHE
(Rising:) That's pushing it, Uncle... Kind of a stretch, there... The Narc-On-Ems are our enemies, yes... but behind them, I suspect, is the Emperor. Surely he's heard reports of my mother and father's collaborative invention... The scattered and incomplete Imperial intelligence reports and the Emperor's fear of inaction during crisis has resulted in an extreme preventive action, which betrays a latent motive of malice against House Mercedes in the guise of Darrukus -- a Trojan Planet; if you will...
SURFER
Make love, not war and abolish the nuke, you will make a formidable Duke!
(PORSCHE bows.)
SURFER (Cont'd)
Now remember this adage and you will fare well for the distance -- the first step in defeating a trap is knowing of its existence.
PORSCHE
You said it, Uncle Surf. But if it is a trap, Uncle, then why are we going?
SURFER
We have our new army. (Again at a loss for a good rhyme.) Best to try the protoype, we can't afford to lose it -- What good is a new weapon if you cannot use it? (In the same breath -- with a straight face, no less:) I see everyone agrees, I see you nod, you all... Dr. Loogy, give the young lad a weirdo mod-ju-all.
(After a Nemo glance, LOOGY does -- crossing to a secret panel -- retrieving a strange-looking contraption. SURFER, noticing a SQUAD OF GUARDS NOT IN ANY OTHER SHOT at the other end of the training room, calls out to them.)
SURFER (Cont'd)
Clear and lock the room! We're gonna Zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom!
(The security team unobtrusively-lining the walls unobtrusively-file-away. LOOGY puts a studded dog-collar around PORSCHE'S neck.)
SURFER (Cont'd)
(To PORSCHE:) Be ready, young toker... (To upstairs somewhere:) Activate a smoker!
(From the ceiling comes an odd device; part bong, part fog machine, part pipe, part squirt-gun. It whirls-and-twirls-about in the dojo. PORSCHE dances about it, inhaling every wisp that escapes the device. Occassionally, he grunts out a reply and a weird hum bursts-out and obliterates the various sections of the machine.)
SMARTY
(To LOOGY:) Precise control....
(After thoroughly destroying it, the collar is removed and the men cross to him.)
LOOGY
I must go, there are some last-minute preparations to attend to.
SURFER
Porsche, you've done well, quite well, I'll tell Belle on the cell, how well it fell to your hellish spell. You are my brightest of students, the paramount of prudence! And you're not even a Mental, so sharp, yet so gentle! You'll go far, my boy, very far, you'll raise the bar, you're ten under par, the star! Now that you've given me hope, I feel a new-found coy-age. I, too, must go and see that all is ready for our voyage. I'll see you again, my lad, on Darukkus. Then we'll pick-up some goils, the kind who will-
PORSCHE
(Bold:) Peace-out, Surfer!
(A shiny-faced SURFER soft-shoe shuffles out the door, humming some old ditty from the Space-Swinger days. Skattily-skittilly-de-shoo-be-doo-wop-te-doo...)
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.06 - A Short Hallway Scene With A Cameo
INT. HALLWAY - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(The hallway is empty in the foreground but in the distance a changing of the guard is seen. PORSCHE walks down the stairway. In the distance, moving troops are packing Mercedes belongings in various types of luggage, some Gucci, some Samsonite. Beyond, PORSCHE sees some troops carrying a large Calderonian mouse's head. The fangs are covered with dried blood. It's graphic and ludicrous, almost silly.)
PORSCHE
The mouse that killed my grandfather... is this an evil omen?
(Suddenly, a Hawaiian shirt-wearing BUNKO IDUNNO appears from behind the giant black, orange and yellow head.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Happily:) Bunko!
BUNKO
Porsche, brah, howzit?
(They shake hands and give respect and disrespect knuckles and exchange gang signs.)
BUNKO (Cont'd)
I was on way to say quick goodbye to you. I hafta go ahead. Maybe spark this, yeah?
(He stops and blazes a joint. Movers keep moving, wearing overalls and bandanas and all.)
PORSCHE
Why? You just got here; surely you're in another scene or two. I wish you were coming with us.
BUNKO
Agent got me in da kine trailer, good enough, yeah? Plus I get to smoke-up choke pakalolo in next scene. Shoots, planny of hot girls in da green room dere too. Oh, speaking of which -- (Hands him some Simoleon Spice candy.) Symolean Licorice; from the root of da kine plant, yeah? -- it's candy, but only eat when you're not busy for boutta week, yeah? It's something from me and Uncle -- er, your father; a gift to bless the voyage, yeah? Oh yeah... He also wants talk to you, maybe dirty lickins, yeah?
PORSCHE
The dirty lickins cue? Already? (Snatches another quick toke before passing it back:) Wow, this IS a quick scene...
BUNKO
I get the lead in da turd or fourth sequel if we make it dat far -- I'll see you on Darrukus, yeah? (Places hand on PORSCHE'S chest:) Hold in brah; better dat way.
PORSCHE
(Nodding, holding the hit in, getting red-faced, pounds chest:) You sure smoke some killer grass, Bunko.
DISSOLVE TO:
MS: Segue: Still water surface
(A drop falls into water in slow motion, we see the ripples, slow. Then we see a more familiar trickle, as if someone is peeing into the water, not in slow motion, either. It wrecks the effect.)
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.07 - Father Knows Best
EXT. CLIFF WALL - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(PORSCHE, double-checking that he zipped-up, looks for a place to chuck the paper towel he used to dry his hands after urinating and leaving the men's room entryway [cordoned like it is at an airport] and moves to the hall. Of course he washed his hands afterward, he is nobility, after all. He passes the damp, crumpled towelette to a passerby mover-dude after spying his pappy. He skips over to meet his father near the wall. Mover-dude just drops it as soon as PORSCHE is past him.)
PORSCHE
(Diffident:) Father-
DUKE CHEETO
Thank you for joining me, Porsche. (Tired:) It will be good to get to our new home and have all this upset behind us.
(They look out over the sea of lava. A huge eruption gushes from below. The Duke turns to his son.)
DUKE CHEETO (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) My son. (Out loud:) Surfer Hazmat has served House Mercedes three generations.... He swears you are the finest student he's ever taught. Loogy, Smarty and Bunko say the same.... It makes me feel very proud...
PORSCHE
I want you to be proud of me.
(PORSCHE smiles up at his father. The wind blows the Duke's hair and behind him stands the castle and the blue and black Mercedes banner against the night sky beyond. PORSCHE takes a closer look at the banner moving in the wind.)
DUKE CHEETO
(Studying the glowing sea below:) I'll miss the lava sea... but a person needs new experiences, new highs... they jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change, something creeps inside us... and seldom intoxicates... The creeper must intoxicate. The creeper must get you wasted, the creeper must be bakin'...
(PORSCHE attention goes to his father's hand where he sees the Duke's signet mood ring. Again he smiles at his father.)
FADE TO:
Scene 6.08 - The Creeper
INT. PORSCHE'S ROOM - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(PORSCHE is sweating during his sleep and coughs as if struggling with some disturbing thought.)
PORSCHE
Darukkus... Dank... Jungle Planet...Darukkus... Jungle Planet... moving... moving.
DARK WATER - MENTAL IMAGE
(We see Porsche's dream. It is very dank.)
PORSCHE V.O.
Darukkus... Dank... Jungle Planet.
MS: Still waters
(Suddenly a drop falls into the black, and white hot widening rings appear on the dark water's surface. Again, we see the trickle of urine. Darkness again. Two moons rise in the darkness, appearing as lop-sided breasts, with their aptly-placed craters and all. As the second appears:)
VOICE
The second moon, your moon...
(There is a brief twinkle of light on the nipple of the second moon.)
FX: TWINKLE
(Spreaking of nipples, this is the only opportunity I see to insert the following rant, for it is loosely-topical as an example of how certain things should not be overlooked when looking at a notable event, especially on how to keep your cool if you are the notable event. Janet Jackson coolly-reacted to her exposure to the world in a way never seen -- certainly more cool than I would have reacted in a similar situation should my right testicle suddenly become the dominant water-cooler conversation of post-Super-Bowl America.)
LOSE FX
(Rant: The American brand of false modesty and indignant posturing makes Americans look like the biggest butt-wipes on the globe. There is nothing amoral or morally-inferior about any community who views nudity as a natural expression of displaying one's self. As an artist, I think there isn't a darn thing wrong with the human body -- whether clothed or unclothed. There, I said it.)
FIND FX AGAIN
(To paraphrase Professor Harold Hill from The Music Man, this is perhaps more along the lines of what my more-prudish half says about Ms. Jackson's wardrobe malfunction:)
MS: LAST SHOT
(Just a nipple! Just A Nipple! Well, either you're channel-surfing away from a situation you do not wish to acknowledge, or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a nipple in your community. Ya got trouble, my friend, right here, I say trouble right here in the F-C-C, why sure, I'm an arm-chair quarterback and I'm mighty proud to say -- I'm mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend with my remote in my hand are golden. Helps ya get the quick-record-reflex -- a stool break within a time-out. Never screamed and cussed at the call of a near-sighted, half-witted referee? But just as I say it takes beer, guts and fireworks to put on a good Halftime show, I say any boob kin take everybody's hard work and throw it all in the crapper. And they call it a mishap. The first big step on the road to deg-ra-day- I say first, a tank-top on a soccer mom, then MILFs in a centerfold! [Gasps!] And the next thing you know, your son is wolf-whistling at the mom of a milk-fed tot, and still-framing shots of a hottie on Lifetime here to talk about "nursing a baby" -- not some medicinal milk from a bottle, but a babe at an actual breast! Would you like to show Our Lady Liberty's teat to the third world? Give me your fired, your whores, your befuddled asses mooning on the TV? Make your blood boil? Well, I should say! Now guys, lemme show you what I mean - Count em, you got one-two, one-two, one-two nipples on a chest. Nipples on a chest with breasts that mark the difference between a gentleman and a goil, with a capital G that rhymes with B that stands for boob! -- And all this time you turn a blind eye, your youth'll be streakin' away, I say your young gals will be streakin'! Streakin' away during pre-show, time-outs, halftime too! Show your silicon to the world, never mind about the tatt or the guy glued to the screen wanting his beefsteak pounded. Never mind clearin' your web-browser history, 'til your parents catch you with the lotion bottle empty -- late on a Saturday night -- and that's trouble, oh, yes we got lots and lots a' trouble. I'm thinkin' of the tweens in the twain, web-surfin' young ones, peekin' at the boob-mags in the clubhouse after school, look, folks! Right here at Halftime: Thirty-seven-still-framed pixels on zoom. Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for Boob! Now, I know all you folks are the right kinda parents. Tit-for-tat, I'm gonna be frank. Would ya like to know what kinda conversation goes on in the locker room at the half? They're showing off their piercings, talkin' 'bout boobies, referring to Chi-Chi's like knocker-loving fiends! And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover-up a tell-tale boner with a jock strap and a cup. And on one fine night, they leave the 50-yard line, headin' for the topless bars! Beer-chugging men and bra-flinging girls! And Hip-Hop-Pop, shameless music, that'll grab your son and your daughter within the arms of nipple fever! [Gasps!] Mammary-hysteria! Friends, the exposed breast is the devil's end-zone! People: Trouble, oh we got trouble, right here in the F-C-C! With a capital T that rhymes with B and that stands for Boob! That stands for Boob. We've surely got trouble! Right here in the F-C-C, right here! Gotta figger-out a way to keep a them nipples off the tube! Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble... Muthas everywhere! Heed the warning before it's too late! Watch for the tell-tale sign of corruption! The moment your daughter leaves the house, does she remove her brassiere? Does her cell phone have pictures that require a password? Does your son have Boob-Tube as a link on his webpage? Is he starting to memorize jokes from Hooter Humor Magazine? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like Juggs? And Melons? Boulders, Nips and Darts? Well, if so my friends, Ya got trouble, right here in the F-C-C! With a capital T And that rhymes with B And that stands for Boob. We've surely got trouble! Right here in the F-C-C! It makes a nice young boy become a goob! Oh, we've got trouble. We're in terrible, terrible trouble. That game with the halftime act is the devil's lube! Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble! With a T! Gotta rhyme it with B! And that stands for Boob!)
DISSOLVE
(Thank you for your attention. I feel much better. Now, back to the movie...)
INT. FIRE PIT - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(Dark again. A figure turns toward PORSCHE. It is a TOTALLY HOT GIRL silhouetted against a bonfire, almost nude, like in a leather bikini or something. She speaks, handing him a cold beer.)
TOTALLY HOT GIRL
Tell me of your homeworld, Coozey.
INT. PORSCHE'S ROOM - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
CU: Porsche's face in fitful sleep.
EXT. COURTYARD - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(In a small stone courtyard, the back-lit figure of a curvy, sexy woman moves towards us through the darkness, silhouetted against the outdoor lava flow. As she nears us, the large, protective light of the blowglobe overtakes her and in an instant we see a scantily-clad, hair-braided woman -- JEZEBEL.)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) I know she has come to test him... no man has ever been tested with the bong... only Been Lez-a-bit women. I may lose my son.
(The doors open, she meets the Reverend Mother Hell-On-Gaia Mohawk [The Emperor's truthsayer] and takes her back toward the Castle. The lava gushes loudly nearby.
INT. PORSCHE'S ROOM - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
PORSCHE
(Whispering again:) Darukkus... Dank... Jungle planet... moving... moving.
CU: PORSCHE'S face.
(PORSCHE'S eyes snap open. He hears footsteps outside his door. As the door opens he closes his eyes, however, and he pretends to be asleep. JEZEBEL and the REV. MOTHER enter and stand in the doorway looking at him.)
REV. MOTHER
We'll salvage what we can... but I can tell you.. dear Bog... for the father... zilch-ola.
(JEZEBEL turns to the REVEREND MOTHER, stunned! She turns back to look at PORSCHE. Her hands tremble.)
REV. MOTHER (Cont'd)
Did you really think that you could bear the Nick-knack-paddy-whack?... How dare you!
JEZEBEL
Cheeto wanted a son; it was important to him.
REV. MOTHER
That shall be his undoing. A Mercedes daughter could have been wed to Frayed, the male Narc-On-Em heir; now both houses may fall in this futile, fruitless feud! My greatest student... and my greatest disappointment.... He's awake!... He's listening to us. (Considering:) Good... Ready yourself, young Porsche Mercedes... I want to see you in your mother's chamber at four twenty sharp. You're gonna toke-up like never before, boy...
(She turns and walks away. JEZEBEL remains at the door and calls out to PORSCHE in the darkness.)
JEZEBEL
Porsche? This is very important...
(JEZEBEL leaves, closing the door behind her. PORSCHE sits up in bed.)
PORSCHE
Nick-knack-paddy-wack?... For the father... zilch-ola?
INT. JEZEBEL'S CHAMBER - CASTLE CALDERON - 4-ish, Calderonian Midwich-Cuckoo Time
(JEZEBEL and the Reverend Mother enter. It is quite dark. JEZEBEL whispers a code number and a blowglobe lights on a very dim setting.)
REV. MOTHER
(Angrily:) Jezebel... Sure, young Porsche Mercedes may take after his handsome father and is rugged and masculine and still yet boyishly-cute and innocent and all, like a young muscular hunk of love-meat half naked under see-through silk sheets kinda cute-and-innocent, and I'm sure his pappy was quite a smooth talker and pretty convincing umpteen years ago, but you were stronger then. You know the Been-lez-a-bit mascot -- Carla Cougar -- you know her credo: "Toys before boys." That hasn't changed in sixty-nine generations and won't change today. You were told to bear only daughters to the Mercedes... Jezebel!
JEZEBEL
It meant so much to him...
REV. MOTHER
You thought only of a Duke's desire for a son?... Desires don't figure in this! If they did, don't you think your boy would still be in his bed feeling a heck of alot better about meeting me and getting some "diplomatic relaxation" before his upcoming move and... and... Believe me, desires don't figure in this! A Mercedes daughter could have sealed the breach; opened up a good-time for everyone. We may lose both blood lines now.
JEZEBEL
I vowed never to regret my decision. I'll pay for my own mistakes.
REV. MOTHER
And your son will pay with you. I've got a few toys for him to play with -- no batteries necessary...
JEZEBEL
Reverend Mother-
REV. MOTHER
Would you rather it be you?
JEZEBEL
Oh, please, if it could only be so!
REV. MOTHER
(Offers red, white and blue joint to JEZEBEL:) Well it can't be, doll, so toke up and go make sure your son isn't late, or I might find more for him to do to gain my acceptance -- and protection...
JEZEBEL
Protection? Protection from whom?
REV. MOTHER
Truthfully? Can a Truthsayer know differently? I see pieces of the future, yes- (Blazing a joint of her own:) Tell you what; when I eventually learn that answer, I'm more than quite sure that you'll be the very first one to learn it from me. Go get your son, Belle.
INT. DUKE CHEETO'S QUARTERS - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(Under a dim blowglobe, CHEETO is writing a note on a scroll-like piece of paper. Finishing reading, the Duke seals the message in a cylinder and presses his signet mood ring, with a blue peace-sign symbol of House of Mercedes, into a hole, which seals the cylinder with a swift hissing. He pauses, studying the metal tube, and kisses it before placing it on the desk, picking up a huge stone, plasma-pipe and an ornate, ebony toothpick. With a command, he extinguishes the blowglobe above him. He leans back in his chair as lava erupts outside the window. He's toking-up pro-style, picking his teeth between tokes from his large, obsidian pipe. He's about as content as he can be, considering.)
CHEETO V.O.
"Narc-On-Em, Your offer of a meeting is refused. I have offtimes met your treachery and this all men know. Yo, Baron-nini: I hear CHONG offers your homegrown ditch-weed free to the tourists at Shi-It-Kan because they can't seem to unload it otherwise. I don't know if you know this, but when I was a teenager and not-so-street-wise, I got so like totally burned on a deal and got a seedy pound of your Greedy Grime Half-Baked Schwag-Weed in lieu of an ounce of Simoleon Spice, so I figured since I got totally juked anyway and there wasn't anything I could do about it without it costing more effort than it was worth, I actually decided to try some of it -- man, they should have called it "no-bake" schwag-weed. You could probably get a better high smoking some of that bird dung that totally coats your planet, bro. Oh yeah, speaking of the space-turd-looking nest you call home-sweet-home: I hear that your next season's crops got washed-out in some planet-wide tsunami on Greedy Grime right after the Emperor rightfully-kicked your lame, fat butt off of Topiary IV. Oh, say it isn't so! Oh, the humanity! Too bad you weren't back at home in time to see the disaster for yourself, all up-close and personal like. Heard you got delayed at the space-port and that the Highliner wanted to ship you as bulk freight and that there was a dispute over which cargo bay they were gonna haul you in -- too bad I didn't see that one coming like them Been Lez-a-bit seers or I would have booked you first-class on any ship in my fleet in order to ensure you were home in time to block that wave with your enormous bulkage and honorably sacrifice your meaningless megatons to save your planet's struggling agricultural future. I mean, both you and I know that without control over the Toparian shares of the CHONG market, you're back to your failing, water-logged, schwag-based economy. It doesn't take a Mental to do those calculations; you'll be sucking-up to every CHONG case worker who can give your planet a tax break or grant you some Imperial aid. Lemme impart a word of serious financial advice, cuz, because I know money's gonna be tight and for you its only gonna get tighter and tighter. And I'm not gonna say it's coming from a guy who's fiscally been there because, well, I've never fiscally been there and I'm not sure it's even possible for me to fiscally go there so late in my life. I mean, you've done so much already and racked-up so much Karmic debt in such a different direction than where my spiritual profits lie... anyway, in keeping with this, I'll try to be direct and waste little time. Know that while a helping-hand is right out, I'm still thinkin' that while you're all the way down there among the rest of the bottom-feeders, I can at least offer a piece of priceless instruction, perhaps a gem of wisdom in a time where services for obtaining such are not usually free. Yet, since you are my great-uncle twice removed and you were married to my loony second-cousin in that short year after she joined a commune and totally freaked-out from a bad batch of bathhouse acid and somehow ended-up eloping with you, and it was the year before she went completely crazy and became a man, and then a woman again, and then a little of both -- well, anyway, I figure blood is thicker than water and that's what family is for -- to help with a positive suggestion or a word of caution when it is needed. You may be my elder and all so take it with a grain of salt if you think it's already too late for you, but I think you really should heed this one maxim: Be frugal! Dude; like shop at the thrift stores; like don't buy anything new for a while; like maybe a long while; like maybe forever. And don't even think of buying that new, plasma-powered suit-levitating thing that I know you've been eyeing in the Best Pix From Kix Catalog; yeah, sure, I seen it, I'm sure as Chantilly Lace that you did too -- all black and sleek and evil-looking; you know that they must have had you in mind when they stitched and riveted all those bolts of levitation-leather together because they couldn't even find a model big enough to model it for the photo; they had to use that lame-o, inflatable mannequin. [They should have called you, instead of using the parade balloon, huh?] Well, as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I'm afraid you'll need to make due in that ugly, atomic, pee-stained long-underwear-slash-diaper-looking thing that's been carting you around since your last bath way back when the Spaced-Out Guildmasters were still normal non-freak guys like you and me. Well, non-freak like me, anyway. Anyway, it must sure suck to be you, cousin. Great Aunt Gracie says hello to you repeatedly, but that's all she really says anyway because she really doesn't recognize anyone and that's only one part of the reason we're leaving her senile bag of Narc-On-Em-lovin' bones behind in the rest home on Calderon, and sure as Shitake mushrooms, no one else on this side of the family has anything to say to anyone on your side except that your fifth-cousin Bruce on the distant Purrina-Clyntynn side of our shared tribe says that your nephew Frayed still owes him two tons of spice over that last bet on the bowl game and that he's sure as shaving-cream gonna collect on it with a can of whoop-ass if Frayed don't make good -- which I had already informed him was about as likely as you ever hitting the treadmill or a weight bench in this millennium. So, like, what do you weigh now, cuz? Yo, Baron Von-Baloney: Ever hear of the Narc-On-Em-No-Carb Diet? Like do us all a favor, man, and simply lose thirty pounds the easy way: Decapitate yourself with all expedience and with extreme prejudice using any means available. Heck, out-back, I've got a two-man, tree-cutting, cross-cut saw and my son's all for it, so just let me know, man. We sure could use the bonding time together. Maybe Frayed and Rub-On could help, it might be a chance for us to bond with them shirt-tail cousins of ours and give us all something fun to do together that everyone involved would thoroughly enjoy doing with fervor. Oh yeah, I think Jezebel's got an extra set of tweezers if there is anyone you want that fossilized relic of a penis to be sent to, like a side-show or something that could keep its shriveled husk in a salt shaker or something. Truly, I suppose it's really the best part of you -- the part that didn't reproduce or get any bigger since infancy. I'm sure surprised a stroke ain't got you yet, man. Oh yeah, dude, like, speaking of which -- Remember your cute, but-not-so-little goldfish, Scaley? You know, the really shiny-scaled, multi-colored one that looked like it was always smiling so you picked it out when you won second place at the ring toss at some Galactic Fair on Shi-It-Kan like forever ago when you were just a little kid and weren't the old, washed-up gas bag you are now? I mean, it's all Auntie Raisin -- I mean, your Great-Aunt Gracie -- it's all she ever talks about when she isn't asking everyone what time it is. Remember how your mom wouldn't let you keep your prize fish on Greedy Grime because it would grow to be like a hundred feet long and how she said one blimp in the house was enough and how you had to keep him in the Imperial Lava Pool all the way out here on Calderon and remember how you used to wait all year just to jaunt-on-over and visit little Scaley every summer vacation for like twelve years in a row -- and remember how you would like feed it your special home-grown molasses taffy and those special reeds you hand-picked from your Peppermint swamps from your filthy garden back at home, all the time calling them "carp-carbs?" I mean, it's all Auntie Raisin talks about when she makes sense... Remember how you kept feeding it until it wasn't a little goldfish anymore but a really, really big one that even outweighed you by a ton and remember how we've had to feed it our own native blend of "carp-carbs" and take care for it for like the last umpteen-odd years since you went all bonkers and became a little tyrant and turned-into the infected, bloated, festering pimple on the Universe's sickened butt that you are? Anyway, I just thought you might want to know that Scaley is like so dead, man. Like as dead as disco. Dead; lifeless; kaput! Dead! Dead! Dead! Kicked the bucket almost a whole month ago -- just seems like yesterday... Too much chlorine or urine in the pool or something caused a stroke. A serious floater. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that we all sure liked him a whole lot because he sure was like... like... so scrumptious, I mean like totally delicious after they pulled the mud vein and he practically fed the whole Mercedes clan! Auntie Raisin just ate an eyeball, since she can't chew anymore we cut-it-all-up for her real good... So worth the wait, I think. Like all those peppermint willows must have sure paid off, because Scaley sure went down as sweet as honey. Anyway, Cousin, as I finish-off the last delectable frozen-and-reheated left-over of Scaley's tail section -- and, believe me, the last bite is as sweet as the first! -- I just thought that letting you know that your endeared pet found a lasting place in fish-fry heaven and I realize the finality of it as I exhale a full, tasty, belch -- well, I thought that it might now, somehow, bring you some true closure in that elusive, living-things-that-still-love-you department. The Art of Kanly still has admirers in the Empire. Your Replacement And Always The Better Man, Duke Cheeto Of Darukkus."
DISSOLVE TO:
BACK TO SCENE
(PORSCHE enters the room and JEZEBEL closes the door behind them.)
JEZEBEL
Porsche, this is the Reverend Mother Hell-On-Gaia Mohawk. She is going to... observe you... (To Reverend Mother:) Please...
REV. MOTHER
Jezebel, you know it must be done. I enjoin you to stand guard at the door and practice the meditation of peace. (Offers joint:) Blaze-up one of these, it's some serious creeper...
JEZEBEL
Yes, your Reverence.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) What does she fear? (Out loud:) What about my Father?
JEZEBEL
Porsche... please, Porsche... listen to the Reverend Mother and do what she tells you.
(JEZEBEL leaves the room. The Reverend Mother speaks to the lad using The Tongue, a Been Lez-A-Bit training which permits an adept to control others merely by selected tone shadings of the voice. It sounds as if two people are talking -- one normal and the other kinda moaning like they're doing something dirty. The effect is strange, yet subtle.)
REV. MOTHER
(Using The Tongue:) Now you come here.
(PORSCHE finds he cannot help but obey her, yet he fights her controlling him.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice) She's using The Tongue. (Out loud:) No.
(She sees him struggling.)
REV. MOTHER
(Inner voice:) Some strength there. Surprising! (Out loud:) Come here.
(The Reverend Mother holds up a green metal vase.)
REV. MOTHER (Cont'd)
See this... Put your lips against this.
(PORSCHE stares at the brim of the vase.)
PORSCHE
What's in the vase?
REV. MOTHER
Pain.
PORSCHE
Lady, you're kinda hot in a kinky, sorta "milf" way, but I'm so not into... like Fifty Shades Of Green or anything...
(Just then, she raises one hand to his neck. PORSCHE sees a glint of metal. He tries to back away.)
REV. MOTHER (Cont'd)
(The Tongue:) STOP! Put your lips on the vase.
(POSCHE'S lips touch the brim of the vase. Fear passes over his brow.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) The Tongue again.
REV. MOTHER
I hold at your neck the bong ajar. Don't pull away or you'll feel that poison. A Duke's son must know about many poisons -- this one kills only lightweights.
PORSCHE
(Out of the corner of his eye and his mouth:) Are you suggesting a Duke's son is a lightweight?
REV. MOTHER
Let us say I suggest you may be a hardcore, pipe-slammin', bong-cashin' toker. Your awareness may be powerful enough to control your instincts. Your instincts will be to hack and cough and to remove your lips and cease toking, or wost yet, to not inhale at all.
PORSCHE
It is insulting to imply that House Mercedes tokes like House Clyntynn. We're deep-chongers; pearl-divers.
REV. MOTHER
Relax, realx -- I'm only saying that if you do not keep the bowl lit, you will die. (She sparks the bong. He begins toking.) You will feel an itching at the back of your throat -- there... see? Now the itching becomes burning... heat, upon heat, upon heat.
(Smoke begins to pour from the vase and PORSCHE'S nostrils.)
PORSCHE
(Whispering:) It burns. My lungs...
REV. MOTHER
SILENCE... SILENCE. (Leans in, sexily:) Toke... toke it... toke it up!
PORSCHE
(Inner voice, struggling to compose himself:) I must not cough. Coughing is the toke-ender. A cough is the little death that brings total obliteration to the lively hit. I will face my cough... I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the watery inner-eye to see its path. Where the cough has gone there will be nada. Only I will remain.
(The REVEREND MOTHER moves her smooth, sexy face up to his. Her ancient, porcelain face with her perfect teeth gleaming inches away breathes hotly. She is smiling.)
REV. MOTHER
You feel the rush, boy?
PORSCHE'S MENTAL IMAGE
PORSCHE V.O.
Mmm-hmmm!
(PORSCHE'S inner mind sees all kinds of moving linoleum designs, all plasmic and psychedelic.)
INT. JEZEBEL'S CHAMBER - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
REV. MOTHER
(Smiling, aroused, excited, stepping it up a notch:) Now, tracers.
(He sees tracers while scoping the cougar. He keeps chonging, red-faced, watery-eyed, still not coughing. HIs face registers extreme pain.)
PORSCHE
(Slightly exhales: cannot help the explosion:) I must cough... to get off!
REV. MOTHER
NO! ENOUGH! W-T-F? No woman child ever smoked that much. I must have wanted you to fail. Take your lips from the bong and exhale, young stoner.... Do it!
(He looks to the REVEREND MOTHER. He exhales a fresh breath, no cough. No real smoke? An hallucination?)
REV. MOTHER (Cont'd)
(Explaining:) A phantasmic high through nerve induction... Can't go around choking humans, eh? There're those who would drop some serious grip to know the secret of this bong. Pain is merely the axis of the test. A human can chong any spleef.
PORSCHE
But the pain-
REV. MOTHER
Pain, hah! A human can override any nerve in the body... Our test is crisis and observation.
PORSCHE
(Yeah, an hallucination:) Far-out. I see the truth of it.
REV. MOTHER
(Inner voice:) He senses truth! Could he be the one?... Maybe... but will he be ours to control? (Out loud:) So, you know when people believe what they say? When they speak the truth?
PORSCHE
Babe, I knows it.
REV. MOTHER
Your mother took this test once. It imparts truth, it sets you free.
PORSCHE
Free?
REV. MOTHER
Once men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.
PORSCHE
"Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of a man's mind."
REV. MOTHER
Right out of the The Orange Grokwork Bible. But what the O-G Bible should've said is this: "Thou shalt not make a machine to counterfeit a human mind."
(Suddenly, the REVEREND MOTHER holds her hand against PORSCHE'S head. She closes her eyes.)
INT. FIRE PIT - TREE SABRE - NIGHT - REVEREND MOTHER'S MENTAL IMAGE
(She sees a blurred image of PORSCHE'S earlier dream. She sees the leather-clad girl turn. She hears a muffled voice say "Tell me of your homeworld, Coozy".)
INT. JEZEBEL'S CHAMBER - CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
REV. MOTHER
(Leans in, close again.) Your mother wants you to tell me about your dreams. I only want to know one thing.... Do they come true?
PORSCHE
(Closer still:) Not all of them... I know which ones will. Unfortunately, it never seems to be the wet ones...
REV. MOTHER
A pity, I'm sure. (Hot breath in PORSCHE'S ear:) Perhaps you are the Nick-Knack-Paddy-Whack.
REVERSE ANGLE
PORSCHE
(Into her ear, seductively.) Nick-na- Whazzat?
REVERSE ANGLE
REV. MOTHER
(Profoundly:) The boy-toy who can smoke in many places at once... the one who bridges space and time.... He can toke where we cannot.
PORSCHE
Where's dat?
REV. MOTHER
(Leans back, eyeing him:) Do you know of the Resin Of Fruitful Life?... the Truthsayer hash?
PORSCHE
I've heard about it. Word on the streets says it's some seriously wack sh-
REV. MOTHER
(Pulls away, looks at him.) It is very dangerous... very painful. The Been Lez-a-bit sisterhood smoke it to see within, and occasionally when a sorority party gets out-of-hand, but no matter... There is a place terrifying to us... to women. It is said a man will come... the Nick-Knack-Paddy-Whack... he will go where we cannot... Many men have tried...
PORSCHE
What? Did they try and fail?
REV. MOTHER
(Seeing his misunderstanding:) Oh no, they tried and died. (She calls out loudly.) Jezebel!
(JEZEBEL enters immediately and sees with great relief that PORSCHE is still active; i.e. alive.)
REV. MOTHER
(Teasing her locks of hair:) I sense your teachings in him. Ignore the regular order of training. His safety requires The Tongue.
PORSCHE
I've heard enough of my safety... What about my father?... I heard you talking. You talk as if he was gone already. Well, he ain't!
JEZEBEL
Porsche!
(She tries to hold him.)
PORSCHE
Well he ain't... and he won't die... Tell me he won't die!
REV. MOTHER
What can be done has been done.
PORSCHE
Please! Tell me!
(The REVEREND MOTHER covers herself and moves quickly to the door, nodding to JEZEBEL.)
WIPE TO:
Scene 6.09 - Meet The Villains
EXT. GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(HOME PLANET OF HOUSE NARC-ON-EM - As seen from space, the grimy planet as we saw on PORSCHE'S U-POD.)
EXT. GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(The surface of the planet is a vast sea of bird dung. Millions of birds fly about in great flocks. Bugs also swarm about with plentiful abundance, eagerly eaten by the hungry birds. A small cable car traverses high above the sea toward a gigantic black, crap-speckled city in the shape of a rectangular box over 100 stories high. Pigeons abound and dung rains here and there like an occasional cloudburst. Everything has mold, mildew or rust. Before the city there are rows of huge poop-stained, towering steel heads atop massive furnaces. Sick smoke billows out of their mouths.)
INT. BOUNCING CABLE CAR - GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(Inside the beat-booming cable car crunks PITTER-PATTER. In one hand he holds the cylinder with DUKE CHEETO'S ring imprint. He ingests the spice through a small water pipe. He's blasted; obliterated! Kids, this is what happens when you mix a supercomputer with the D.N.A. of Bob Marley, Bob Barker, Jack The Ripper, Jack Black, Billy Jack, Jack Nicholson, Michael Jackson, Jackie Onassis, Jack-N-Jill, Marcel Marceau, Eminem and Soupy Sales. Believe me, some things just weren't meant to exist in nature. The monstrousness of one like PITTER-PATTER PATTIE CON FRIES exists only in a universe totally-out-of-balance with itself. In a sick-and-twisted, villainous way, though, he's still quite cool, despite his sick mind, his limited longevity and an absence of any substantial lines or time on his act other than this one brief shot and the other one where he's like a total pervo. But I digress...)
PITTER-PATTER
It is by will alone I spit my rap like this all freestyle. It is by the juice of Afro that thoughts acquire speed to go annudda mile - Yo, the hair acquires sheen - Like a glossy magazine, (He hits deeply, his face glows with shine:) Yo, the sheen becomes a warnin', I be hung-over all mornin' (Puts down pipe, gets really physical, shakes his dread-locks; there is a spray of activator.) It is by will alone I spit my rap like this, no I don't diss, I pile my miles of files in pretty piles and judge them all like the Nuremberg Trials; All freestyle, don't turn dat dial, gonna file on the tile with a profile smile to rile the vile Baron's weak wile (head spin) while shakin' and takin' and breakin' and rakin', yo, all-the-while fakin' for goodness-sakin' the Baron Von Simpleton be vampire-stakin', (Back up, moonwalks, gets pipe:) Yo, makin' and quakin' while I'm wakin'-and-bakin'. (Hits.) Word. (Hits.) Yo.
(Like I said; unbalanced and patently offensive. And evil.)
INT. GREEN PORCELAIN ROOM - GREEDY GRIME
(Somewhere in the interior of Greedy Grime, we are in a green porcelain smokehouse. Two large, white-wide-brim-hat-wearing Narc-On-Em soldiers, using large hoses, are washing down the walls and floors of the room. We move downward into the water rushing along the floor towards troughs. Closer, we see bits of stems, seeds, and pot resin. It's homegrown schwag and the foul stench only confirms that this year's crop was extra seedy and couldn't get you off if you smoked a pound of it -- which is exactly what THE BREAST RUB-ON is trying to do -- in spades. He's got a blunt that rivals footballs.)
CU: Master chonging of colossal, Narc-On-Em blunt.
ZOOM OUT
(...I mean, football uprights. Yeah; the goalpost.)
MS: Colossal blunt, smoked-down to nine feet long and one foot wide, tapering to an actual, cut-cigar-football shape.
EXT. GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(The car zooms past gigantic faces, and the furnaces far below roar with tremendous power. The city now looms gigantic and overpowering -- millions of electrical cables, serving as various bird perches, stretch off the top into dark energy taps above the city.)
INT. GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(Inside the city the cable car passes into a huge inner chamber filled with open-topped lime green porcelain rooms with tremendous electrical lines criss-crossing above, birds and all. Haven't these people heard of window panes?)
INT. BARON'S ROOM - GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(In front of a huge steam boiler, the cable car stops and PITTER-PATTER gets out, steps down steel stairs and enters a porcelain room. The Baron is sickly and hugely fat and sweaty and looks like he has been for some time. No sores on his face, though, it's just too darn gross. [Everybody's beautiful!] He turns to look at his mental as PITTER-PATTER enters the room.)
PITTER-PATTER
(Dodges a pink-and purple-yolked white whopper from above:) My Lord!
(...Pigeon wire?)
BARON
Pitter-Patter.
(PITTER-PATTER crunks up to the Baron, dodging the wet hailstorm until he's under the stained canopy.)
PITTER-PATTER
The Mercedes clan will be leaving Calderon soon, Baron, and I have here your answer from your distant cousin, Duke Cheeto.
POV: Bird Dung
(A loose one from a big bird with excellent eyesight on a bombing run far, far above misses several other, criss-crossing, electrical-line perches and gets a deep angle on the small canopy hole in the center and it tries for the BARON'S head, just misses and hits the blunt being smoked by RUB-ON. Right on the foot-wide cherry. It sizzles and cooks and saturates the leafy ash. Now that's gross. RUB-ON shrugs and keeps toking.)
BARON
What does Cheeto say, Pitter?
(...Cats?)
PITTER-PATTER
He doesn't even greet you with a proper title, Baron, just Narc-On-Em-
(Let's just say the canopy isn't fooling anyone. The birds know what's up. The white-polka-dotted guys with the hoses can attest to that. Fat lot of good a canopy did them. On Greedy Grime, gnats in your face, flies at your ear, wasps at your tail and bird poop from above are a way of life. I guess none of them ever read Silent Spring.)
BARON
What does it say, Mental? Spit it out! (Inner voice:) I may need to aquire a new Mental; this one has nearly outlived his usefulness...
PITTER-PATTER
(Slow, patient:) He wishes to inform you that Vendetta -- as he puts it, using the ancient tongue, the Art of Kanly -- is still alive. He does not wish to meet or speak with you. (Pause.) Also, apparently, your pet goldfish died.
BARON
Scaley? (Pause. Swallowing; angry:) I made my peace gesture... the forms of Kanly have been obeyed.
PITTER-PATTER
(Looking to the others:) Best yet, he signed it Duke Cheeto of Darukkus! Isn't that the most?
BARON
(Inner voice:) He's cheesin' too much to my nephews -- I need a Mental who doesn't suck-up to others so easily. (To PITTER:) Blah, blah, blah -- you got any other news, boy?
(The BARON throws down the cylinder. It clangs away into the resin trough.)
PITTER-PATTER
(Boy? Serious:) As you instructed me, I have enlightened your nephews concerning my plan t...
BARON
My plan!
PITTER-PATTER
The plan to crush House Mercedes. Frayed, Rub-On... go quietly... no other great house of the Rad Lands must ever know of the Emperor's aid to the Baron. If they did, the Rad Lands would turn against the Baron and the Emperor and we'd all be in a world of hurt.
(RUB-ON chongs on his massive blunt, disliking the taste. We wonder why. Wastefully, he chucks the long roach into the dark water trough running through the center of the room.)
BARON
I will have Darukkus back for myself... he who controls Simoleon Spice, controls The Universe... and what Pitter didn't tell you is we have control of someone who is very close to Duke Cheeto. This person... this traitor... will be worth more to us than ten legions of Sativa Warriors.
FRAYED
Who is the traitor, Uncle?
BARON
(Laughs:) I won't tell you who the traitor is or when we'll attack. However, the Duke will die before these eyes and he'll know that it is I -- Baron Gregor Narc-On-Em -- who encompasses his doom.
(They all begin a sick circle-jerk of villainous laughter. Take your time. Milk it. Go over the top.)
FTB
Scene 6.10 - A Vowel Movement
EXT. MERCEDES SHIP - CALDERON - DAY
(A drum corps pounds-out a powerful cadence in front of a lava-works display as the Duke, PORSCHE and JEZEBEL mount the steel stairs to their ship. In the doorway, they turn back for a final look. The Duke places a hand on PORSCHE'S shoulder. We see the signet mood ring. JEZEBEL is there. She tries to get PORSCHE to look at her but he scowls and turns to his father.)
JEZEBEL
(Turning away, inner voice:) Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...
(The door of the spaceship closes.)
EXT. HIGHLINER - SPACE
(Approx. 3,420 Mercedes ships are approaching the Guild Highliner, which is staggeringly colossal, then again, who is used to seeing scale in space? It's not like there are football fields out there or anything. The Mercedes ships look like dots next to the sun, but so does everything else; except the Highliner. The Duke's ship enters the frame and moves toward the Highliner.)
INT. MERCEDES SHIP - SPACE
(PORSCHE, JEZEBEL and DUKE CHEETO look out the forward viewing glass as tiny lights move outside in the darkness. They hear and feel their ship stop with a huge, echoing, metallic jolt. They look at each other in the silence which follows.)
DUKE CHEETO
Soon they'll begin to fold space.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Far off in the control rooms.... Travelling without moving.
INT. CONTROL ROOM - HIGHLINER - SPACE
(We pass through electrical shields into a 2,000-foot high control room filled with green spice gas. On the floor are large gratings covering an exhaust and filtering system. Tons of spice gas are being converted into the clouds of gas along a wall of machinery. From within a dark metal tunnel comes a Guild Navigator. He exits the tunnel and swims through the gas 1,000 feet to a six-dimensional layered miniature replica of The Universe. Here's where it gets a little tricky... The Navigator emits a long trail of smoke from his mouth which travels to one edge of the Universe and changes into a likeness of the planet Calderon. The Navigator turns and emits another stream of smoke which travels to the opposite side of the Universe. It changes into a likeness of Darukkus. The Navigator begins to put his webbed fingers in amongst the stars and he emits sounds and bursts of smoke into the mass of stars and galaxies. The Universe begins to vibrate and elongate, then to curve. Electrical lightning traverses from Calderon to Darukkus as the Universe bends into a seven-leaf-shape. Darukkus submerges deep into the smoke. The navigator swims to the point where Darukkus disappeared. He begins to pull and tear a hole in the Universe. Stars like sparks and sounds and rings of smoke appear, along with a roaring wind. The Navigator swims deep into this hole through the rings of smoke. The Navigator becomes more and more transparent, until he's lost in darkness. The sounds fade.)
EXT. HIGHLINER - ABOVE DARUKKUS - SPACE
(Suddenly, the real planet Darukkus appears and the giant Highliner materializes above it.)
EXT. DARUKKEEN - DAY
(Through a brownish-green haze appears the damp lily-pad-city of Darukkeen.)
INT./EXT. THE MERCEDES SHIP - DAY DARUKKEEN
(The Mercedes ship has landed at Darrukeen. The door is open - the family walk down the steps - DUKE CHEETO with PORSCHE and JEZEBEL.)
EXT. GROUNDS - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(Clusters of troops standing at attention around the enormous dark, cool doorway as the family enters the Palace.)
EXT. PALACE - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(The Mercedes banner is raised on the top of the Palace, peace sign waving proudly.)
INT. MILITARY SUB-BASEMENT ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(Mercedes army soldiers milling, yelling noisily.)
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY.
(In a darkened passageway, fans turn, casting deep, slow-moving shadows. Sounds echo in the distance.)
INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(A room of technicians and electronic gear. The signals are being heard and interpreted.)
MERCEDES TECHNICIAN
Narc-On-Ems!
EXT. BLACK ROCK - DARUKEEN - DAY
(Far in the distance in deep black rock, Narc-On-Em spies move, carrying strange electronic equipment.)
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(SURFER marches down a hallway with a squad of TROOPS with electronic gadgetry, lights and sounds going constantly.)
SURFER
(Into a radio microphone:) No! Nein! Negative! Nyet! Why isn't the stinkin' shield up yet?
INT. GENERATOR ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(Down in the basement, Mercedes engineers are removing a complicated device from heavy machinery. A MAN radios back to SURFER.)
MERCEDES RADIO MAN
Sir -- We found and removed another sabotage device. It was the Narc-On-Ems all right. The shield will be going up now, sir.
(The engineers activate a series of atometric, Heinz-57, generators. Suddenly sounds begin. The machines start; at first low, then they whine upwards to a high pitch. When the pitch is steady, a series of levers are pulled.)
EXT. PALACE - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(Just after the second set of levers is pulled, a huge house shield is seen going up in a nippled-condom shape, encompassing the Palace with shimmering protection.)
EXT. WINDOW - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(From a small window, SURFER observes the shield with a critical eye.)
SURFER
(Inner voice; worried:) We know the Narc-On-Ems are disgusting and sleazy, but we're finding their devices way too easy...
INT. GREAT HALL - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(Two giant blowglobes drift into the Great Hall where JEZEBEL and DR. LOOGY stand watching while a giant mouse's head is being hung above the massive fireplace. The MOVING TROOPS are unpacking crates and organizing furnishings. JEZEBEL watches them. Distant sounds reverberate inside an elaborate air vent beside them.)
LOOGY
Listen here.... You can hear the people of Darukkeen outside.... Can you here the cry "Sookie Sookie Sookie Sookie Sookie Sookie Soo!" of the torch sellers?
JEZEBEL
So many reminders of the scarcity of flame.
LOOGY
Have you noticed the line of plasma torches along the wall... the Narc-On-Ems put them in... to flaunt their herbal wealth in front of these people.... Each day those torches blaze enough spice to sustain the highs of one hundred men.
JEZEBEL
Hmmm. I think I've heard that somewhere before; I'll sure put a stop to that -- and no more selling resin at the palace gates.
LOOGY
Those Brew-men merchants need to sell resin to survive.
JEZEBEL
They can have the real leaf -- what was thrown into those torches will be allotted each morning to the Brew-men citizenry.
LOOGY
Surfer may not like it, he doesn't like crowds gathering in large numbers. People like hand-outs. People get in fights, yaknow.
JEZEBEL
As the bound concubine of the Duke, I run the house affairs. Surfer will just have to live with it. I refuse to flaunt herbal wealth while exploiting the native population with the foul-smelling resin of ditch weed. And no more smoking Half-Baked Schwag-Weed within the palace gates! I'm sure Cheeto may carry that edict across the city, if not the planet! Greedy Grime Ditch Weed is no longer the official smoke of Darukkeen. Let it be the Brew-men's own native kind -- Symolea Leaf.
LOOGY
You are wise, Jezebel. It was unpopular tradition started by a mandate by the Baron Narc-On-Em himself, it's easily reversed.
JEZEBEL
The way you say Narc-On-Em... I didn't know you had so much reason to hate them.
LOOGY
(Swiftly:) My wife, Ganja... you didn't know my wife... they...
JEZEBEL
(Out loud:) Forgive me... (Inner voice:) His wife was Been Lez-a-bit, too... the signs of submission are all over him... They must have narc-ed her out.
(JEZEBEL sees a droplet of sweat break out on LOOGY'S cheek.)
LOOGY
I'm sorry I'm unable to talk about it.
(Above them a series of iron curtains begins to open over deep rock window slots, sending narrow shafts of light down across the room. TWO MERCEDES WOMEN in uniform approach.)
MERCEDES WOMAN #1
(Referring to several robed figures standing in the room:) My lady... the local people... the maids and servants await your inspection. Hazmat has cleared them.
(LOOGY turns to JEZEBEL.)
LOOGY
The Narc-On-Ems may have tampered medically.... please wait.
(He turns a yellow light on a moves it over the crowd. The yellow light beam plays over the red-within-red eyes. One of the more-busty women, SHOUT-OUT GAPES, watches JEZEBEL continuously. LOOGY'S hand shakes slightly.)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice; noticing LOOGY'S hands:) He's hiding something -- holding something back. (She studies his face closely.) It's not just his wife... He's a good man though. He's probably trying to save my feelings... (We see her mouth.) I could use The Tongue... make him tell me... It would only shame him. (We see her eyes.) I must place more trust in my friends.
(We see LOOGY turn toward her, fearful.)
WIPE TO:
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(PORSCHE wanders through the darkened passageways alone, his footsteps echoing as goes. He takes pleasure observing the details of the rock palace but all the while he feels an uneasiness -- a feeling of fear builds in him.)
INT. PORSCHE'S BEDROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(PORSCHE enters a small bedroom and sits down on the bed. He breaks out his U-POD, and activates it.)
INSERT - CELL PHONE
(We see a gigantic carryall creep above a spice harvester and pick it up from a massive bough branch as a narrator speaks.)
U-POD V.O.
One carryall handles four spice pruning teams; however, it will fly only two harvesters at a time. Today, we have four hundred and twenty harvesters and nine hundred and sixty-nine carryalls....
BACK TO SCENE
(PORSCHE looks up. Across the room he sees a tray of small pinners which have been laid out. He goes to them and scans them with his poison detector, which he carries on his belt. A pleasant tone sounds and the word "safe" appears in green light. PORSCHE takes a pinner, sparks it and turns back towards the bed. Suddenly he stops. He looks at the pinner.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Simoleon Spice...
(As he continues smoking he notices the sunlight through the slates over the window begins to glow white hot. PORSCHE'S eyes are intense as the light glows brilliantly.
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Whispering inner voice:) Terrible purpose.... What is it?
INSERT - RED DROPLETS
(Some red droplets appear rushing through the white light. Three images follow:)
MENTAL IMAGES:
INT. CONTROL ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - DAY
(A blurred Guild Navigator.)
INT. BAKER ROOM - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE dead on a leafy floor.)
EXT. DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(Resin boiling.)
PORSCHE V.O.
Thousands of acres of timber and not one lick of open flame...
INT. PORSCHE'S ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(The light decreases and PORSCHE stands trembling. As he moves to the bed he sees a portion of the headboard slowly folding down and he sees a chrome sliver of metal glide out from within the dark opening. He freezes.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) A buster-booker!... It can't get me if I don't move... It's too dark in here for it to see clearly...
(The buster-booker begins to lift and swing across the room and back-- searching.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) I've got to grab it -- the suspensor field will make it slippery on the bottom -- I must grip it tightly.
(The buster-booker drops a little, circling around the bed. A faint humming sound is heard.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) Who is operating that thing?... It has to be someone in the Palace. Instant transpatial transport to Prison Planet Raygunn-Boosh. No trial, no jury, no judge. Do not pass go, do not collect- Think, man, think... I could shout for help but it would arrest whoever opened the door...
(Just as PORSCHE finishes this thought the other door to his room begins to open and SHOUT-OUT GAPES peers in. The buster-booker arrows past PORSCHE toward the motion. PORSCHE swiftly reaches out and grips the souless thing. It hums and twists violently in his hand. With a powerful turn and thrust, PORSCHE slams the glass nose of the needle into the stone wall. The device goes dead in his hand. He looks up into the deep red eyes of SHOUT-OUT GAPES.)
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
Uff-da! (Shaken:) It would've 'rested me, yeah?
PORSCHE
I was the target. It went to the motion. Who are you?
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
I am Shout-out Gapes... the housekeeper, and the bookie for the castle.
PORSCHE
(Inside voice:) A Brew-man... Could she be the operator? No... (To GAPES:) You're a bookie?
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
Yes. (Pulls betting sheet from seductive, lacy brassiere.) I run all the betting pools, doncha-know. Two to one agehnst the Narc-On-Em cliff snipers making it pest tonight, doncha'-know.
PORSCHE
Any odds on us making it past tonight?
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
Better adds for you than me, eh? I only gat two more appearances and the last has gat no lehnes, except, "Errr-aaagh-ack!" or something like that -- so what does that tell yus? I had bedder say this now. I must cleanse the way be-twin us, doncha-know.... You sehved my life... and we Brew-men pay our debts; U-betcha! It's known to us that you've gat a traitor in your midst, eh? Who it is we cannot seh, but we're certain of it. I-B-S-U not.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) A traitor...
Before he can speak SHOUT-OUT GAPES is gone -- running-off down the passageway. JEZEBEL enters.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Looks to Jezebel:) Yo, mom: That busty housekeeper says there is a traitor among us.
JEZEBEL
No way!
(We see SHOUT-OUT GAPES saunter down the long hall, obseved by mother and son.)
PORSCHE
Way! Sure as Shangri-La, there's a traitor in the palace...
JEZEBEL
No! I mean, no way those are really real.
PORSCHE
(Smirks:) I could find out for you.
JEZEBEL
You keep to your studies, young man; I'll find out. After all, it's my job.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(Running TROOPS storm down the hallway with electronic gear and big stun guns [Like tazers, except cool and not so silly looking.])
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(SURFER walks quickly toward SEVERAL TROOPS.)
SURFER
The operator is still on this globe! Y'all set up a bonar probe!
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(LOOGY sticks his head out the doorway as SEVERAL TROOPERS run past. He scans an X-ray of a corpse and fings a long, cylindrical vial ebedded within the corpse, roughly where it would be if inserted into the corpse's rectum.)
LOOGY
My message! Oh, typical -- that's sure going to be alotta fun to extract... I'd better get some soap and water...
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(CHEETO is calling on a radio phone. GENERALS surround him, as well as SMARTY.)
DUKE CHEETO
(On phone:) Surfer?... anything?... keep looking. (Inner voice:) ...and a traitor... Bog help us.
INT. SUB-SUB-SUB-BASEMENT [as opposed to the DOM-DOM-DOM-ATTIC] DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(TROOPS come-off an elevator. The glow-span indicates the very bottom floor of 17 sub-floors. The ground is uneven rock and root and the ceiling is low. The troops fan-out; shining chemical lamps here and there. A soldier suddenly stops. Ahead in his light is a dead Narc-On-Em assassin -- bloody vomit dried around his mouth. He lies beside an electronic device.)
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(LOOGY covers his face with his hands in a darkened room... sobbing.)
LOOGY
Oh, my Ganja! My poor, poor Ganja!
EXT. WALL - DARUKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(SEARCHLIGHTS sweep over the faces of City Brew-men who are sitting or moving solemnly around the outer wall of the Palace. Some are chanting "Four Legs Bad, Two Legs Better" and "All We Are Saying, Is Give Peace A Chance." Others hold up one open hand as a sign they feel the messiah is near. A slow-moving, burlap-backed lap-dog happily laps sap out of a small saphill; he snorts sappily.)
LAP-DOG
Woof!
INT. GREAT HALL - DARUKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(In the darkened hall we can hear the distant sound of the Brew-men reverberating.)
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(CHEETO sits with PORSCHE, SURFER, NINE GENERALS and SIX SUB-LIEUTENANTS. In front of SURFER is a device flashing brilliant light bursts over his face. The others are all talking among themselves. Suddenly SURFER'S face gets a brilliant shine, as bright as his hair's sheen, and he begins speaking rapidly into the machine in code using a strained high voice.)
(He begins to tap dance. Shuffle-shuffle-kick!)
SURFER
(Mental voice:) Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang, walla walla, bing bang -- heidi-heidi-heidi-hi, heidi-heidi-heidi-ho -- shoop, shooby-doo -- boom boom-sh-boom, rhyme-a-lyma-ding-dong, dip-te-dip-te-dip, dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-doe-doe-doe-doe-doe-doe-doe (Beat.) Sha-na-na-na sha-na-na-na-na-na -- yakety-yak -- doo-doo-doo, da-da-da -- Aye-yi-yi, goo goo ga joob! Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma Chameleon...
(The machine flashes several bright irregular signals. Then it stops and hums. The shine leaves SURFER'S face.)
SURFER (Cont'd)
(Very fast and casually:) Shutz-pah... Surfer Hazmat... Mental... Master of Ceremonies.
(The hum stops. SURFER turns to DUKE CHEETO. He looks up. Everyone is quiet now.)
DUKE CHEETO
Can you just spill it without the rhyme for once? What's going on, Surfer?
SURFER
(Grimaces:) The Palace is now secure. The city of Darrukkeen is under martial law... we have troops here headquartered underground on sub-floors six through nine. The rest of the troops are stationed in Darukkeen and we have some on the airfield. Our new army is still training, but everything is shielded.... With the shielding, we are impenetrable. Dr. Kind is waiting, Sire, for your inspection of spice pruning operations, but since the attempt to arrest the young master, I am against your leaving the Palace, there's a lot of heat on.
DUKE CHEETO
(Very angry:) The attempt failed... Narc-On-Em captives have already been taken. We must crush the Narc-On-Em machine on Darukkus.... You all know what to do. (Turning towards SMARTY:) Smarty! We desperately need more spice pruners... many are threatening to leave on the next shuttle. We need spice drivers, weather scanners, leaf men... any with leaf-jumping experience. You must persuade them to enlist with us.
SMARTY
They shall come all for violence: their faces shall sup as the east wind. And they shall gather the captivity of the herbage.
DUKE CHEETO
Okay. (Squints at SMARTY, taps cashed bowl:) Very moving, Smarty. No more smokee-smokee for you... Not until you come down, anyway... Now, on your way... and take care of Dr. Kind until Porsche and I arrive. We will not be prisoners here in this place.
SMARTY
(Artfully easing the Duke's anger:) Behold! As a wild ass at a frat party, go I forth to my work.
(SMARTY strides off. SURFER sits, contemplating. PORSCHE and DUKE CHEETO smile at each other and shake their heads.)
INT. JEZEBEL'S CHAMBER - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(JEZEBEL is sitting in a small room, smiling, reading a note. It reads "I miss you. Cheeto." She sets the note down. She begins to tremble. She becomes fearful. In her mind she sees quick images:)
MENTAL IMAGES
INT. CONTROL ROOM - HIGHLINER
(A blurred Guild Navigator.)
INT. BAKER ROOM - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(Porsche dead on a leafy floor.)
EXT. DARUKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(Resin boiling.)
INT. JEZEBEL'S CHAMBER - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(JEZEBEL continues to tremble.)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) I must speak with you Cheeto!
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(Outside in the passageway, feet suddenly move quietly toward the door to JEZEBEL'S room.)
INT. JEZEBEL'S CHAMBER - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(JEZEBEL hears this and looks up just as SHOUT-OUT GAPES silently enters her room.)
JEZEBEL (Cont'd)
(Staring at the red-eyed woman -- waiting for possible danger.) Yes?
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
I am Shout-out Gapes, your housekeeper, Noble Born. What are your orders, eh?
JEZEBEL
You may refer to me as "my lady." I am not noble born. I'm the bound concubine of Duke Cheeto -- mother of the heir designate.... "Shout-out"... that's an ancient word.
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
(Strangely asked:) You know the inch-ent drug slehng, yeah?
JEZEBEL
Drug slang, yeah! I know Jonesese and Feindish, all the hunting languages.
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
As the legend says, U-betcha!
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) That's it! The Missionaria Positiona has been here planting protective legends against a day of Been Lez-a-bit need. And that day has come. I must play out this sham. (Out loud:) I know the Dark things and the way of the Great Mother. Mescal-preemie.
(The housekeeper takes a step backward to flee.)
JEZEBEL (Cont'd)
I know many things. I know you came prepared for chonging with a pipe in your garter.
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
My lady, I... the pipe was sent as a gift if you should prove to be the one, doncha'-know.
JEZEBEL
And the means of my over-stoning should I prove otherwise. (Inner voice:) Now we will see which way the decision tips.
(Slowly, the girl reaches into her flimsy, see-through dress and brings out a sexy, sheathed pipe. She frees it.)
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
(The 12" pipe is hollow, red, tapered and slightly barbed at the larger "bowl" end, at which end a rough mesh screen caked with green, syrupy-yet solid, rock-candy-looking resin is fashioned:) Do you know this, my lady?
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) It could only be one thing.... (Out loud:) It's a highpipe.
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
Say it not lightly... (Very slowly:) Do you know its meaning?
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice) Here is why this Brewman has taken service with me, to ask that one question. Delay is as dangerous as the wrong answer. Shout-out is street slang for holla at. Pipe, in street slang is bat, bullet, glass. Yes! She's a master stoner. A baker. (Out loud:) It's a baker...
(The girl screams with elation and grief.)
JEZEBEL (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) Baker?... Baker is the key word... people who smoke resin through the venemous hair of the worm? Or is it the highpipe itself? That was close. (Out loud:) Did you think that I, knowing the mysteries of the Great Mother, would not know the baker?
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
Uff-da! My lady, when one has lived with prophecy for so long, the moment of revelation is a shock.
(The girl sheathes the pipe... slowly.)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) There's more here... yes! (Out loud:) Gapes, you've sheathed that pipe uncherried.
(With a gasp the girl drops the pipe into JEZEBEL'S hands and opens her blouse. Lacy bra and all.)
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
Take the flame of my life!
(JEZEBEL takes the pipe and blazes it with a hand-held plasma torch. With a stripper's skill, she playfully unsnaps SHOUT-OUT GAPES' front-snapping bra and passes the pipe, exhaling a thick, green, noxious gas. Taking the pipe, nearly exposed, GAPES marvels at her.)
SHOUT-OUT GAPES (Cont'd)
You are ours.... You are the one.
(JEZEBEL'S eyes stare ahead the housekeeper chongs it up. She knows these words ring with truth. After taking a monster hit and holding it in, SHOUT-OUT GAPES hugs her, pressing her body against her and JEZEBEL shotguns the green-smoke exhale of GAPES. JEZEBEL, shotgun chonging, hugs her back and cradles her head, eventually kissing her, smoke billowing from the nostrils of both, making the scene and seeing where JEZEBEL'S hands are going a wee bit hazy...)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Wow, they are real. Who would have thought?
FTB
Scene 6.11 - Day Tripper
INT. TUNNEL - OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(CHEETO, PORSCHE and SEVERAL ARMED GUARDS enter a tunnel to a `thopter landing pad which is illuminated by a shaft of light coming from a chimney-like exit above. DR. BUD KIND and his Brew-men guards are standing next to SMARTY.)
KIND
(To SMARTY:) So, this is Cheeto the Cheesy...
SMARTY
(Sharp, like cheddar:) I hope I made myself clear. You may call him "The Duke," "Master Cheese," or "Duke: Aay-Number-One." And there is a more ancient term you might keep in mind -- "El Zipperhead."
KIND
(Inner voice:) Play out your little comedy while you can, off-worlders...
(SMARTY turns and activates a device...)
INSERT - HORNITHOPTER OPENING
(...which causes the hornithopter behind to fold open ready for flight.)
INT. TUNNEL - OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(The two parties meet and are introduced.)
DUKE CHEETO
So you are Dr. Bud Kind, the Imperial Intoxicologist?
KIND
(Turning to SMARTY:) I prefer the more ancient term, Pusher... El Zipperhead.
DUKE CHEETO
(Smiles at the reference to his fraternity pledge name:) This is my son, Porsche.
PORSCHE
(Like a child who doesn't quite know subtle tact yet:) Are you a Brew-man?
KIND
I am a servant of the His Majesty the Emperor. I have served His Majesty on Darukkus long enough for my eyes to change.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) He's hiding something.
DUKE CHEETO
I understand we have you to thank for these smoke-collar things, Doctor.
KIND
They are Brew-men spleef-suit collars. I hope they fit well, my lord.
PORSCHE
"It's not what-cha got, it's a-what you give. It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live. They say it's a blessing, they say it's a gift, they say it's a miracle and I say that it is -- Aw, move over Rover, let Jimi take over: Lemme stand next to your fire."
(KIND'S FREMEN GUARDS, hearing this, are siezed with agitation. KIND quiets them, then studies PORSCHE.)
KIND
(Inner voice:) He will greet you with holy lyrics, doncha'-know, and your gifts will be a blessing, U-betcha. (Spoken, nonchalantly:) Most of the jungle natives here are a superstitious lot. They mean no harm. With your permission, I will check the security of your suits.
(SMARTY and the guard move forward warily.)
SMARTY
(Angrily:) The Duke is to be addressed as...
(KIND comes forward and adjusts the Duke's spleef-suit, checking seals and pulling on straps. It's a neckband collar with two cords -- one long with a nose piece, one short with a mouth piece -- also, three straps and a buckle.)
KIND
Basically...
SMARTY
(Leaping forward to protect his Duke:) Sire!
DUKE CHEETO
It's all right, Smarty. We be cool. Cool, like Fonzie.
(SMARTY steps back.)
SMARTY
Yes, Sire. Cool, like Fonzie.
KIND
It's a high-efficiency filter and heat exchange system. Pulverized leaf passes through the first layer and is ignited in the second. The tar is separated as a lubricant for the resin nodes. Deep breathing and heavy chonging provides the kinetic action necessary to vaporize the plant and store the smoke's chemicals inertly. The reclaimed smoke circulates to catchpockets from which you can toke through this short tube. Should you be in the open jungle, remember to inhale through your mouth, out through the nose tubes.
(The Duke is now properly fitted. KIND places the return valve into his nose.)
KIND (Cont'd)
It's the only way to chong... Why, with a Brew-men spleef-suit in good working order, one can sustain a high for weeks, even in the deep jungle.
(He removes the noseplug.)
DUKE CHEETO
My thanks.
KIND
With your permission...
(KIND turns to PORSCHE, running his hands over the collar's slick fabric, all tucked and buckled all-cool-like, making little dread-locks from the long tubes, bunched under the buckle. The tubes don't drape, they're under the buckle -- He stands back with a puzzled expression.)
KIND
You've worn a spleef-suit before?
PORSCHE
No.
KIND
Your collar is fitted Rasta fashion. Who told you how to do that?
PORSCHE
No one. It... seemed the proper way.
KIND
That it is. (Inner voice:) U-betcha! He shall know your stoner ways as if born to them.
(KIND'S Brew-men guards are watching PORSCHE very closely now.)
SMARTY
We're wasting time, Sire.
(CHEETO, KIND, SMARTY and PORSCHE enter the hornithopter...)
FTB
Scene 6.12 - The Dirty Dozen: Twice Baked.
INT. JEZEBEL'S CHAMBER - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(JEZEBEL trembles. It's morning sickness in the middle of the day...)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) I must speak with you Cheeto!
EXT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - TUNNEL - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(The 'thopter turns slowly as it goes up into the light.)
EXT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
(From outside the Palace's atomic shield we see the blur of the hornithopter pass through a Y-shaped porthole and come out perfect like a gleaming jewel, glazed with honey.)
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
KIND
Southeast over the Shield Wall. That's where I told the overlord to concentrate his harvesting.
EXT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
(They crest the top of the wall which opens out into a black, level expanse of rock, cratered and fractured. On the other side is the huge, seemingly endless line of trees, the Great Jungle. In the hazy distance, flashes of light can be seen.)
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
PORSCHE
Will we see a worm?
KIND
Where there is spice and spice pruning there are always worms.
PORSCHE
Always?
KIND
Always.
PORSCHE
Why do they come?
KIND
To protect their territory. Vibrations attract them.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) I've registered him now... a pipe in a sheath on his left arm... He's strong... a person born to command... He's hiding many things. (Out loud, suddenly:) Is there a relationship between the worms and the spice?
(KIND turns instantly and stares at PORSCHE. SMARTY sees the wonder in KIND'S eyes.)
SMARTY
The young master is a trained Mental, an advanced student of Pronto Bingo has studied under some of the finest teachers in The Universe.
(KIND takes a second look at young PORSCHE.)
KIND
As I said... they defend the spice trees. As to their relationship with the spice... who knows?
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
SMARTY
Cloud ahead, Sire.
(A vast, trichome-filled cloud of crystal remnants are shaken from the buds of the gigantic leaves by the tree as a defense mechanism. The fog is slowly being ingested by the large ship that looks like a floating, portable, vaccum cleaner, mired in sap produced by the large leaf that the harvester uses for support. A second spout that looks like a soda staw with the bendy-part at the bottom cranes over and sucks-up the three-and five-foot buds pruned from the enormous plant, now embedded in the sap pools. From jagged scars on the massive branch, we notice previous, Narc-On-Em pruning efforts were far more callous; with much less respect shown toward the plant. Mercedes pruners are a kinder, gentler machine.)
KIND
That's it... spice pruning... no other cloud quite like it. See the spotters over it? They're watching for wormsign... the telltale movement in the leaves. Seismic probes on the branch, too.. Sire... worms can crawl in from anywhere and you don't see them until... Looks like a good crop of spice.
DUKE CHEETO
(Sees a rustling in the trees far below.) Wormsign? Is it wormsign?
KIND
Yes!... worm. Big one! You've got sharp eyes, Sire.... May I?
(KIND grabs the microphone and dials in the correct frequency.)
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER
(From the window, we see that the leaves around them are violently shaking from vibrating, interlocked branches. Above, storm clouds are gathering about them.)
KIND
(Into radio, after having found the frequency) Calling Harvester, Spice-Pad Nine. Wormsign!
(Static... then a voice.)
VOICE
(Over radio:) Who calls Spice-Pad Nine?
SMARTY
(Quickly:) Don't mention the Duke... That's an uncoded channel.
KIND
Unlisted flight northeast of you... wormsign on intercept course... estimated contact fifteen minutes.
VOICE
(Over radio:) Have sighting confirmed. Stand by for fix. Contact in sixteen minutes minus. Very precise estimate. There's a big bonus coming for your early call -- Who is on that unlisted flight so we can make out the check-
(KIND clicks off the radio.)
DUKE CHEETO
What happens now?
KIND
The carryall will come and lift off the spice harvester. Try and get in close over the harvester... you'll find this interesting, Sire.
(The Duke accelerates the hornithopter in the direction of the harvester. PORSCHE can see...)
EXT. HARVESTER - JUNGLE - DAY
(...huge amounts of green smoke billowing-out of the gigantic stack atop the metal and plasteel harvester embedded in sap.)
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
KIND
They'll work until the very last minute.
(The thin, smoky cloud of the harvester envelops them. The Duke flies up to get a closer look.)
VOICE
(Over radio:) Spotter control... no sign of the carryall... it isn't answering.
(Everyone looks at one another. Distant trees be shakin' and all.)
SMARTY
The worm is eight minutes away, Sire.
VOICE
(Over radio:) Spotter control -- give me a report by the numbers.
(Over the radio MANY VOICES report they have no contact with the carryall.)
DUKE CHEETO
Damn it... Narc-On-Ems.
(He punches a control button and grabs a microphone.)
DUKE CHEETO (Cont'd)
(Into microphone:) We are rollin' down to take you off de harvesta... All spotters are ordered to represent.
VOICE
(Over radio:) Ordered by who, bro?
DUKE CHEETO
(Angrily:) That's ordered by whom and it's Duke Cheeto Mercedes, bro...
(SMARTY and PORSCHE turn to each other, worried.)
VOICE
(Over radio:) Yes... yes, Sire!
DUKE CHEETO
Quanto you rollin' wit' dogg?
VOICE
Eh?
DUKE CHEETO
How many men do you have?
VOICE
(Over radio:) Full crew -- four and twenty men -- but Sire, we can't leave this spice...
DUKE CHEETO
Damn the spice! Get the hell outta Dodge, bro! Get all up in here already now!
EXT. HARVESTER - JUNGLE - DAY
(All the spotters begin landing and the Duke descends directly in front of the harvester which has stopped pruning yet emits a tremendous rythmic GRINDING noise. No one is coming out.)
INT./EXT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER/JUNGLE - DAY
(SMARTY nervously scans the sky for enemy ships. A very low, powerful sound starts now and the ground begins to shake.)
EXT. HARVESTER - JUNGLE - DAY
(A hatch opens and MEN come pouring out.)
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - JUNGLE - DAY
DUKE CHEETO
(Yelling at the men:) Two men in each of the spotters... You!... Over here!... Beat feet!
(The half-mile-long leaf is really shaking now and beginning to secrete a clear, thin, flammable sap; coating the first layer of thick amber-green sap, making the leaf slick and slippery, like bubbling ice. A tremendous low thundering sound grows along with a high rasping hiss.)
KIND
(To PORSCHE and SMARTY -- yelling over the noise:) I can't see him yet but he's very close...
DUKE CHEETO
(Out loud to himself as he watches the men scrambling:) Damn sloppy -- really damn sloppy.
(FOUR MEN begin tumbling into the CHEETO'S machine.)
SMARTY
Come on boys... come on. (Then, to the Duke:) We're going to be heavy, Sire.
(The men press on SMARTY and PORSCHE. PORSCHE can feel the fear. The sound is a horrible roar and deeper rumbling and cracking of branches breaking now and the `thopter is vibrating and shaking violently. The air suddenly begins to SPARK with static electricity. Cloudburst. It starts to rain.)
KIND
(Nervous:) Here's Johnny... We gotta bounce, guys...
(The Duke closes the doorways, surveys the area one last time, then takes the controls.)
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
(The ship strains and lifts off -- slowly. PORSCHE sees the green sap-and-crystal-covered buds clumped on the suits of the men... their red eyes. He smells the Simoleon Spice. He begins to feel its effect.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice as a blinding light comes and goes:) Spice!... Pure, un-refined Simoleon Spice!
KIND
(Murmuring:) Bless the Baker and his flame... Bless the coming and going of him. May his passage stone the world.
DUKE CHEETO
(Yelling:) What's that you're saying?
KIND
Nothing.
(A spice pruner turns and sees KIND, who remains silent.)
SPICE MINER #1
(Astonished:) Uncle Bud!
SPICE MINER #2
Shhhhh.
(PORSCHE hears this, then looks to KIND -- locks on his image.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Uncle Bud? These men know him like family; perhaps he's their dealer... There's more to this man than we know...
KIND
(Yelling:) You are about to witness something few have seen -- watch! Watch! (Pause. Points down.) Not me, the leaf! The leaf!
(PORSCHE looks down as the Duke banks over the harvester.)
EXT. HARVESTER - JUNGLE - DAY
(Static electricity is igniting in the air and the trees are blowing in the wind. Then they see it. A bright green-orange flame ignites across the leaf in dotted places and the plasmic flame envelops the large sap-covered leaf and we see the camouflaged-silhouette of a very large caterpillar curled upon the quarter-mile-wide leaf. The caterpillar is twice the size of the harvester. Suddenly the machine ignites and explodes, its flame extinguished by the heavy rain and lack of oxygen, while the green-and-orange flame on the leaf continues to blaze, the caterpillar-looking monster flashes several multicolored neon patterns and sends forth a second blue-green burst of flame across the sap. The resin bubbles, the sap becomes red-hot and rigid, like coal. Puffs of green and white smoke vent as the resin bubbles collapse and release their steam. The worm takes on a luminous, blue-green tint and we see the monster in full. It shoots a look to the camera and does a caterpillar-equivilent of winking. Even glow-worms know how to be a ham for the camera. Just as the sap begins to bubble and sizzle and stream jets of wicked light green smoke, the massive frame of the burning leaf falls from the gigantic branch that supported it and the harvester, the worm and the leaf all fall into the two-mile-deep, cavernous drop below. The leaf and harvester tumble-off a lower branch and fall away from sight -- deep within the planatary jungle underworld -- the resin-coated worm lands on a leaf a mile below and becomes it's camouflaged-color once again -- this time dark green -- the resin drips away across the supporting leaf. It's raining buckets. The Duke's ship is whining to stay aloft.)
INT. MERCEDES HORNITHOPTER - DAY
SMARTY
Zounds, what a monster.
DUKE CHEETO
Someone goin' to pay for this... I promise.
KIND
(Inner voice -- as he studies the Duke:) Uff-da! This Duke is more concerned over his men than the spice, doncha'-know! I must admit... against all better judgement... I dig this Duke; he seems... okey-dokey...
FADE TO:
Scene 6.13 - Another Short Scene With A Cameo
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(DUKE CHEETO walks into the room. The NIGHT GUARD comes to attention as he passes. BUNKO IDUNNO, wearing a dark, dusty spleefsuit collar, emerges from the shadows. DUKE CHEETO and BUNKO meet at the foot of the steps. The men give respect and disrespect knuckles and gang signs and embrace and then separate. They begin to chong until there's a fog about them...)
DUKE CHEETO
(Happily:) Bunko! What have you discovered about the Brew-men, Bunco -- tell me. Why haven't we heard from you? (Pause, reaction.) Wow, this is a short scene. Gee Bunko, I thought I didn't have that many scenes, but why am I complaining? I get to nail Jezebel in a flashback scene coming up -- it's in my contract, so it's gonna happen -- whatchoo got? Mind-blowing. Looks like the guard in the corner is the only person who's got less lines and less screen time than you do...
MS: The night guard shrugs and hits his own joint, looking at the camera in his own special way.
BUNKO
Ainokea, I get invite to cast party, yeah? Some real hot wahines in this one, yeah? So, my lord, howzit? I suspect much, yeah? I tink da kine Brew-men are da allies we seek... they are strong and fierce... they do not give their loyalty easily or quickly.... As you know, da Imperium has never been able to take a da kine census of the Brew-men. Everyone tinks dat dere are but few -- wandering here and dere in da jungle.... Shoots! My lord, I suspect an incredible secret has been kept on dis planet here, yeah?... I tink dat choke Brew-men exist in vast numbers... vast numbers... and it is dey dat control Darukkus. (To us:) Wow, dis IS a short one...
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.14 - When It Hits The Fan; or, Little Judas
MS: SHOUT-OUT GAPES MOVES ALONG PASSAGE
INT. PORSCHE'S SUB-BASEMENT ROOM - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
DUKE CHEETO'S VOICE
Guard. Open the door.
(PORSCHE is in a fitful sleep, facing away on his bed. CHEETO, seeing PORSCHE in convulsions, misinterprets the motions.)
DUKE CHEETO
(Turning, sheilding face:) Whoops! My bad, should-a knocked! Don't sweat it, son! It's a natural thing to do! We all do it, even your old Aunt Gracie! Oh, son, just forget I mentioned Auntie Raisin at all, you probably don't want the image of her wrinkly, half-naked, pruny, tattooed, Narc-On-Em skeleton in your mind right now... Don't even think about that biker tatt on her shoulder that says "Born To Ride" -- Forget I said anything.. Anyway, don't wanna wreck it for ya, so I'm outta here! Sleep well... my son!
(The Duke leaves the room, but after he goes, PORSCHE strains with all his might to lift himself to call out.)
PORSCHE
(Struggling painfully:) No, father!... father... I've been drugged! Prescription meds, Loogy's scrip -- allergic reaction! Father! Father!
INT. BARON'S QUARTERS - NARC-ON-EM SHIP - NIGHT
(The BARON'S face -- expressionless. The sound of his ship screams in the background.)
INT. SUB-BASEMENT PASSAGEWAY - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(CHEETO walks down the steps to a very narrow passageway. The passageway becomes very dark. Suddenly CHEETO hears a strange bong-gurgling sound. He turns down an even darker passageway. He can hear the shield buckling in the distance. He almost has to feel his way. He gets a handful of something very nice-)
DUKE CHEETO
Wow! Pardon, me Mam, it's quite dark in here... I didn't mean to-
(He sees SHOUT-OUT GAPES, leaning against the wall, breasts still in the hands of the Duke, dying in the darkness. She tries to speak but cannot.)
SHOUT-OUT GAPES
Uggg-uuuuh Accck!
(She falls to him, he catches her. He pulls a bloody highpipe from her back. Suddenly the Duke hears ripping and crunching sounds from the shield generator.)
DUKE CHEETO
What happened? What? (As Gapes dies:) The shield!
(The Duke gently drops GAPES and reaches to activate his stoning-shield but a large dart is shot into his shoulder. The Duke lurches upwards then tumbles to the ground. Out of the darkness comes LOOGY. The dart drops and clatters as if a dream.)
DUKE CHEETO (Cont'd)
(Mind racing -- struggling:) Loogy! (Inner voice:) He's sabotaged the house generators, we're wide open.
LOOGY
(With self-disgust:) I've brought House Mercedes down. I've destroyed the new army's weirdo modules.
DUKE CHEETO
(Hoarse whisper:) Why?!?
(The generator comes to a stand-still; like how a helicopter sounds when crashing against a glass cliff.)
LOOGY
I wish to kill a man... not you, my dear Duke, but the Baron.... You were dead already... but you will be close to the Baron before you die. You will be tied and drugged but you can still attack. When you see the Baron you will have a poison capsule, an Angorian Seed. The Baron will want you close so he can gloat over you. One bite on this seed and a strong exhale...
DUKE CHEETO
Refuse...
LOOGY
No! -- You mustn't... for in return I will save the lives of your Porsche and Jezebel.
(LOOGY removes CHEETO'S signet mood ring and shows it to him.)
LOOGY (Cont'd)
For Porsche...
(He puts the seed in CHEETO'S mouth. LOOGY becomes more and more blurred. His image begins to fade. His lips move in the darkness. The roar of Narc-On-Em ships are heard flying-in from the distance.)
LOOGY (Cont'd)
When you see the Baron, remember the seed! The seed!
INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(MERCEDES GUARD #1 comes running down the steps and up to the CAPTAIN and a TECHNICIAN.)
MERCEDES GUARD #1
The shield is down! The shield is down!
MERCEDES GUARD CAPTAIN
Narc-On-Ems! (Turns and shouts:) Get that shield up!
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
(A warning tone begins. TROOPS begin pouring onto the field.)
EXT. ROCK/LILY PAD - LANDING FIELD - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
(Troops race toward their ships.)
INT. GUARD HOUSE - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
MERCEDES GUARD
The shield! The shield!
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(A loud warning tone vibrates. SURFER turns away from the doorway of a small room where he's horrified to see...)
INSERT
(... a plasma fire consuming the thousands of Mercedes weirdo modules.)
EXT. PALACE - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
(A thousand [or so] Narc-On-Em ships dive over Darakkeen and the Palace. Giant deep thunderous explosions shatter the land, yet all the flames are immediately extinguished.)
INT. PASSAGEWAY - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(Troops are running through the passageway, right and left. The horrible sounds of the explosions continue. The sounds of stone crunching, shifting, and breaking. Screams. A wall of stone suddenly cracks open. A burst of air and dust shoots out, hissing.)
EXT. NARC-ON-EM SHIP - LANDING FIELD - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
(Sativa Warriors rush out of a Narc-On-Em ship. They run screaming toward us.)
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
(Narc-On-Em hammer ships thunder the ground, sending cracks and fissures throughout the landing field. Narc-On-Em Banshee scare-sirens wail away.)
EXT. HAMMER SHIPS - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
(Mercedes soldiers run from the hammer ships.)
EXT. GROUNDS - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(Screams. A MERCEDES SOLDIER'S head is hit with a large white-hot piece of explosion. Large SATIVA WARRIORS chase after THREE SOLDIERS with hydraulic knife-guns. One blade enters the back of one man. Tremendous noise of battle. SMARTY and a squad of TROOPERS climb through bodies. SMARTY reaches safety behind some rock. SMARTY and his squad see see thousands of Sativa Warriors fighting.)
SMARTY
LONG CHONG DUKE CHEETO!
TROOPERS
Long chong Duke Cheeto!
(The cry from the men rings-out as they attack with frenzy equalling that of the SATIVA WARRIORS.)
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(The distant HAMMERING of the NARC-ON-EM hammer ship. JEZEBEL'S eyes open and she sees two big boots but they seem to be floating above the stone floor she is lying on. She is gagged and tied. She looks up. She sees the huge Baron Narc-On-Em staring down at her. In the distance she hears the battle raging.)
BARON
The drug was timed. Dr. Loogy has been very valuable to us.... What a pity you must remain gagged. We can't let ourselves be swayed by your witch's Tongue, now, can we?
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Cheeto... where are you?
INT. A ROOM - DARAKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(DR. LOOGY covers his face with his hands in a darkened room... sobbing.)
BACK TO SCENE
(The BARON floats across the room with suspensor-borne lightness.)
BARON
Goodbye, Jezebel, and goodbye to your sweet son.... I want to pass gas; to fart right in front of you -- oh, what a luxury.
(He exudes probably the longest, wettest and smelliest flatuation the 100th Century has ever known. JEZEBEL groans.)
BARON (Cont'd)
I'm afraid I can't leave you with a nose plug or a stick of Nag Champa, so please, savor the aroma before my friend Pitter-Patter comes to play with you. It should reach you any second now. Adieu. (Sniffs, gruesome reaction.) Oh, parting is such sweet sorrow!
(He exits, aftershock farts spurting out the whole way before the air-tight door slams closed.)
FTB
Scene 6.15 - The Pervo Scene
(The Narc-On-Em captain eyes PITTER while sniffing the air about him, as if a familiar-yet-elusively-lingering stench has pervaded the room. Did PITTER cut one?)
FUBAR
(Crunches face:) What are your orders, Pitter?
(Starts to inhale with his nose grandly, checks it -- did FUBAR let one loose? Something died in here... He looks to JEZEBEL.)
PITTER
Take them deep into the spice forest, as the traitor suggests, and the glow-worms will burn the whole stinkin' mess. Their bodies must never be found, and be sure to keep her bound.
CUTAWAY: BATTLE OUTSIDE
BACK TO SCENE
PITTER
(Whispering to JEZEBEL, rubbing her face with his hand, delicately:) I'd thought of many pleasures with you... like... like... rock-and-roll hootchie-coo. It is perhaps better that you die in the innards of a worm, your skin so soft, your lips so firm. (Crunks and does the robot dance:) Desire clouds my reason, it's the time of the season, the reason for the season, sneezin' and wheezin' and pleasin' and cheesin' and freezin' and ...that is not good... that is bad. (Starts moon-walking.) That is bad, it's bad, you know it. It's bad, it's bad, come-on... (Michael Jackson-esque clap and spin:) Woo-hoo!
CUTAWAY: JEZEBEL rolls her eyes.
CUT TO:
Scene 6.16 - The Shortest Yet
INT. SUB-BASEMENT PASSAGEWAY - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT - SHIELD
FX: Mask shield-thing seen on PORSCHE and SMARTY in dojo, now worn by BUNKO.
(BUNKO IDUNNO over-stones a SATIVA WARRIOR and rushes forward frantically. His eyes blaze intensely. He yells out to the other MERCEDES soldiers.)
BUNKO
Dey on dis floor somewheres....
(The soldiers disappear, searching in another direction. BUNKO runs, pounding, down the passageway -- his eyes searching in every doorway. Suddenly, twelve huge SATIVA WARRIORS round a corner on a quick march. BUNKO turns his stoning-shield up and charges them. Behind them he sees PORSCHE and JEZEBEL bound in straps and being carried. BUNKO attacks and fights valiantly but he is outnumbered. In the fight the lights are blown out and BUNKO is killed by a slow, over-stoning smoke-pellet through the head. PORSCHE strains to help.)
PORSCHE
(Seeing BUNKO:) Bunko! Bunko!
(PORSCHE and JEZEBEL are carried off, quickly, through the darkness. The battle sounds are thundering.)
CU: BUNKO'S BODY
INT. SUB-BASEMENT PASSAGEWAY - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(BUNKO'S dead, masked body slides downward, sparking in the dark against the passageway walls.)
FTB
Scene 6.17 - The Tables Turn For The Worse
EST: BATTLE - RUB-ON ON BRIDGE, FIGHTING
ZOOM IN
EXT. PALACE - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
ZOOM IN
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
ZOOM IN
CU: BARON
(The BARON'S, sickly humored. BARON turns as PITTER ushers in the traitor LOOGY.)
BARON
(To LOOGY, quietly:) You wish now to join your wife, is that it, traitor?
(A sudden flash of hope crosses LOOGY'S face.)
LOOGY
She lives?
(The Baron smiles, almost sympathetically.)
BARON
You wish to join her... join her, then.
(PITTER moves to LOOGY, a stoning-knife glistening in his hand. It flashes into his back. A gasp escapes LOOGY'S throat, a sad look passing over his face, as if to say "I thought as much.")
LOOGY
You think you de... feated me. You think I did not know... what I bought for my... Ganja.
(He stands stiffly, then falls gasping. He tastes his own blood, then dies.)
BARON
(Disconcerted, displaced, disjarred and displeased by the doctor's dying diatribe:) Take him away.
ZOOM OUT
EXT. GROUNDS - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
ZOOM OUT
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARAKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(RUB-ON strides in front of his uncle's ship, carrying KIND over his shoulder. Narc-On-Em and Sativa Warriors stand at attention. RUB-ON tears-off KIND'S spleef-suit collar. Green gas escapes. KIND falls.)
RUB-ON
He was in the Palace with the Mercedes Scum... I also say he was a pusher for the Emperor. (Looking up to the troops:) Go now! Take him to his jungle to fiend. Go!
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.18 - Ship Of Fools
EXT. NARC-ON-EM HORNITHOPTER - NIGHT
(The small `thopter climbs toward the Shield Wall.)
INT. NARC-ON-EM HORNITHOPTER - NIGHT
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Loogy's sign. He's left us an Imperial stash bag.
(JEZEBEL and PORSCHE, bound by cabin straps, lie in the back, the two guards at the controls. One is deaf and signs all-rude-like to the other. Everyone knows what he's insinuating. Outside, `thopters and ships fly past them toward the city. JEZEBEL spies LOOGY'S stoney-eyed "Kilroy Was Here" graffitti scratched in the cabin roof.)
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #1
I'd sure like to have some fun before we kill her. That chick on Dag'slist keeps leading me on, it gets me all worked up.
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #2
(Signs, it's only in the subtitles:) [You'll never meet her, Bo-Gartt. Really, girls a person might chat with online are either looking for an impossible knight in shining armor to compensate for the love they didn't get from their last sugar daddy or they are so insecure they feel they can never truly actualize a deep interpersonal relationship at the level needed to maintain healthy co-habitation with another, so they compensate with either the illusion or the actualization of anonymous sexual fantasy. Sounds like you're getting the illusion side of it. Look elsewhere, man. I mean, she'll never meet you in person. A woman like that never dares find out that her dreamboat is just a randy guy ready to put it to anything warm and wet; no way, bro. Surely, she can't afford for you to learn she's fifty pounds heavier than her last uploaded picture -- with the emphasis on load -- and still coping with the awful rash that she picked up from the last guy she met with her MySlut page. Truly, you'd have better luck with a Grimean Stork.... at least they'll stay loyal as long as you feed them... As for this cupcake, that's a different story altogether. Why, she looks all dressed up with no one to... Yeah, yeah, I know what I wanna do... I wanna put my index finger into my other hand's fist repeatedly...]
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #1
(Reaching back for a thigh, breast, drumstick -- whatever's there:) Buzzkill, for a mute, you sure talk alot. And although you might not be able to hear a stinkin' word I say, you sure can catch my drift, man... Like we can take turns, man. You drive, then me... She looks like the kind of gal who likes it rough...
(A gagged JEZEBEL looks to PORSCHE, concerned.)
PORSCHE
(Struggling to use The Tongue:) Don'tchoo talk about my mama...
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Jumping Jehoshaphat! He's trying The Tongue. The Reverend Mother said it could save him.
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #1
Did you hear a noise from the little one?
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #2
(Shakes head and points to ears:) [I didn't hear anything, dude.]
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #1
No?
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #2
(Squints, tilts head:) [What, now YOU ain't listening? I said no!]
(GUARD #1 turns and hits PORSCHE in the shoulder with a stun gun. PORSCHE recovers and starts taking long, calming breaths.)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) The chonging exercise. Deep breaths, Porsche, deep breaths!
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #1
The little one!
(They laugh sickly. [Perhaps if this chapter was shot reverse-gendered I'd watch it and sickly laugh myself to death but I'm already close enough to that in life so let's all pretend I didn't say anything about getting creative with it...] Suddenly, GUARD #1 reaches around and puts his hand up JEZEBEL'S skirt. He starts breathing hard. PORSCHE clears his throat.)
PORSCHE
(Using The Tongue:) Remove her gag!
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Excellente! Supremo!
(GUARD #1 finds himself removing JEZEBEL'S gag. GUARD #2 turns away from his controls but seems powerless to stop him. Once it's off, JEZEBEL seductively smiles and writhes on the `thopter floor like an exotic dancer at a bachelor party, or one of those drunk co-eds found abandoned on the internet somewhere...)
JEZEBEL (Cont'd)
(The Tongue:) Oh, boys! There's no need to fight over me.
(The two men stare at one another a moment. Then GUARD #1's hand, glinting silver, flashes into GUARD #2's chest, killing him. GUARD #1 pulls the knife out, smiling. The hornithopter begins to veer-off into a dangerous nose dive.)
NARC-ON-EM GUARD #1
Now, baby?
JEZEBEL
(The Voice:) First, cut my son's bonds.
(A drooling GUARD #1 slowly cuts PORSCHE'S big straps, never taking his eyes off JEZEBEL. The hornithopter gets closer and closer to the top jagged surface of the Shield Wall.)
JEZEBEL (Cont'd)
(The Tongue:) That's it, baby... oh yeah... kinky... keep going, lover...
(The blade cuts through the strap holding PORSCHE'S legs. PORSCHE kicks upwards extremely-powerfully and his foot breaks through the man's chest cavity and drives his heart up into his head, spewing blood out the man's mouth. PORSCHE grabs the controls but it's too late. The ship falls into the rock, tumbling below -- hitting the edge of a massive, upper branch on a gargantuan tree. They continue to dive into the darkness of the deep jungle.)
EXT. NARC-ON-EM HORNITHOPTER - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(The `thopter slides across another large bough, shearing off a wing. Suddenly, they are beyond the tree -- hundreds of feet below the tree tops and plummeting fast toward the massive leaves, bushes and brambles below.)
BACK TO SCENE
(PORSCHE pulls desperately on the controls and manages to keep the ship aloft and flying into the deep jungle. We see the trunk of an even-more monstrous tree ahead; covered with several different types of luminous mosses and ivy.)
JEZEBEL
Aw, snap!!!
CUT TO:
Scene 6.19 - The Seed
EXT. PALACE - DARAKKEEN - NIGHT
CU: Chaos, disorder.
BACK TO SCENE
(FUBAR exits - TWO NARC-ON-EMS wheel in the stretcher, and swing it round - one of the GUARDS hands PITTER his knife back - the Guards exit and the door closes - PITTER moves up to CHEETO and leans over him, moving his knife across the Duke's face.)
FUBAR
I'll be outside, it stinks in here. Holler if you need me.
PITTER
(Not looking up:) Thanks, Fubar, we'll take it from here, stay clear. If we need you again, we'll give a shout. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
(FUBAR shakes his head -- he's heard better rhymes in rap lyrics. He exits. The BARON flies down to the stretcher.)
BARON
Duke Cheeto Mercedes. Someone's torn the insignia off your uniform. Such carelessness.
(CHEETO shows no sign that he has heard.)
PITTER
It was Frayed. It's how he got paid.
POV: CHEETO
(The BARON and his Mental are only dim, faraway shapes. Their voices reach CHEETO as if travelling across a greater distance. The BARON looks to CHEETO and then moves to him, looking him over.)
BARON
It was Frayed? (Laughing:) How he got paid! Yes! Yes! Of course! Hey! Where is the ducal signet mood ring? I must have his mood ring.
PITTER
The ring?... Must I locate everything? Something's amiss, we got him as-is. I...
BARON
You killed the doctor too soon, you fool!
WAVY, DREAMY DISSOLVE TO:
POV: CHEETO
ZOOM OUT
OBLIQUE: LEVEL
DOLLY OUT
TRUCK LEFT
PAN RIGHT
TILT UP
FREEZE
(He's hallucinating. He's back on Calderon, happily making love to his beautiful concubine. We move from staring into JEZEBEL'S face to seeing their shadows on the wall and their silhouettes against the raging lava outside the darkened room. He's atop her, having a really good time as lava explodes in the background, seen through slatted window shutters.)
CHEETO
(Inner voice:) Yeah baby, yeah, baby... Say my name! Say my name!
(CHEETO grunts and stirs a little...)
BACK TO SCENE
PITTER
Cheeto! Oh neat-o. He's coming 'round, tho his ring ain't found...
(The BARON moves from behind a table stacked with dirty dishes and foodstuffs and goes to CHEETO.)
A FASTER WAVY, DREAMY DISSOLVE TO:
MS: CALDERON BEDROOM
(Now he's riding her like a horse, we see the shadow of a whip. She's moaning as if it's a good time, anyway...)
CHEETO
(Inner voice:) Who's your daddy? I own you, you're mine, baby, mine. Take it! You've been bad! Bad girl! Bad girl! Daddy gotta spank you good! Say my name!
BACK TO SCENE
BARON
Cheeto... Cheeto.... Where is your ring, Cheeto?
(The BARON'S face is now very close to CHEETO'S.)
BARON (Cont'd)
You do not answer!
THE FASTEST WAVY, DREAMY DISSOLVE TO:
MS: CALDERON BEDROOM
(Now the shadows show her riding him like a horse. Lava bubbling abounds outside. Her whipping is much more controlled, more direct and certainly more painful.)
JEZEBEL V.O.
Naughty boy! (Whack!) Naughty boy! (Using the Tongue:) Kiss my toes, kiss them!
BACK TO SCENE
CHEETO
(Very faint, smooching the air:) Yes, Mistress... Anything you say, Mistress...
(The BARON briefly wonders at these words and then turns to PITTER.)
BARON
Huh? (Looks:) He's aroused! (He hits CHEETO:) He's aroused! He's got wood, Pitter! What's going on here? Just what drug is he on?
(PITTER moves forward. The BARON sees a succulent piece of chicken skin on the table. He picks up the plate, then the chicken skin. The BARON is beginning to move away, reaching for the small piece of chicken skin, licking his lips and all. PITTER leans close to CHEETO.)
A KINDER, GENTLER WAVY, DREAMY DISSOLVE TO:
MS: CALDERON BEDROOM
(Now we see a more prone display of shadows, like a climax to a bad movie. CHEETO takes a big monster hit from his pipe as he lays pipe like a master plumber.)
JEZEBEL V.O.
Oh, yeah, lover! Yeah! Oh yes, yes! Inside! Give me that shotgun hit baby, yeah! Give it to me! Yeah! Give it to me as you give me your seed! Yes! Yes! I want your seed, baby, your seed! Yeah! Oh, oh, that's perrrrrrfeeect! Oh yeeeeeesssssssss!
BACK TO SCENE
CHEETO
The seed... yes... the seed...
(We hear a crunch, hear a tumultuous rushing sound as PITTER'S face is pushed forcibly away as CHEETO delivers PITTER a shotgun hit of some seriously noxious second-hand smoke. The BARON is turning, a dumbfounded look on his face. He drops the plate, and backs away. There is a tremendous roaring. Bits of visions of his last good time on Calderon rush through CHEETO'S ever-darkening consciousness.)
NO WAVY, DREAMY DISSOLVE THIS TIME.
JEZEBEL V.O.
(Calm, in afterglow:) Oh, sweetie, that was the best, ever! I think I'm gonna be a mommy again... I can feel it. Oh darling, don't ever stop loving me the way you do...
CU: Smiling, dying CHEETO
OKAY ONE MORE: WAVY, DREAMY DISSOLVE TO:
MS; CALDERON BEDROOM
(A sweet silhouetted kiss as the both take a break from toking.)
BACK TO SCENE
(PITTER looks awful as he gags and dies on the spot. The BARON is completely freaked out.)
MENTAL IMAGES:
EXT. CLIFF WALL - CALDERON - DAY
(The Mercedes banner, the blue of it, then the black. The blackness flaps; then all fades to-)
SILENCE.
INT. NARC-ON-EM HORNITHOPTER - NIGHT
(As they fly continue to deeper into the jungle with the ship shuddering and straining, JEZEBEL suddenly cries out with tremendous premonition and fear.)
JEZEBEL
Cheeto! Cheeto!
(Tears course down her cheeks as PORSCHE turns to her.)
JEZEBEL (Cont'd)
(To PORSCHE:) Cheeto! He's dead! He's dead...
PORSCHE
Get a grip, Mom! I knows it already! (Inner voice:) I got no feelings! Why? What am I on?
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(CHEETO and PITTER lie dead. -- Believe me, they're not the last to die...)
INT. DARUKKEEN PALACE - NIGHT
(FUBAR enters. He sees the gory display of death about him.)
FUBAR
(A la Lurch from The Addams Family:) You rang?
BARON
What? Fubar, am I alive? Am I still alive?
FUBAR
Yes, my Baron, you're still alive. (Touches his own mouth:) You gotta piece of chicken hanging from the corner of your mouth, Baron, right there- no, other side...
(The BARON wipes his mouth with his sleeve and floats near the ceiling in a small passageway. He is ecstatic.)
BARON
(Screaming:) I'm alive! I'm alive!
FTB
Scene 6.20 - Mommy Dearest
INT. NARC-ON-EM `THOPTER - NIGHT
(PORSCHE is fighting the controls of the Narc-On-Em `thopter.)
CLEAN POV
(The `thopter lights across leaves, skipping.)
BACK TO SCENE
PORSCHE
I can't maintain any altitude... we'll never reach the safety of branch. Maybe that small branch.
JEZEBEL
Where are we?
PORSCHE
The Deep Jungle regions... the forbidden area. We must make it to that bough...
EXT. NARC-ON-EM `THOPTER - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(The `thopter violently hits a leaf and flips up - - almost turning over. It falls slowly back, then slides down the side of the leaf, resting on the small [200-yard diameter] branch.)
EXT. NARC-ON-EM HORNITHOPTER - JUNGLE - NIGHT
PORSCHE
Come on, Mom! Let's go!
(He jumps out of his seat.)
JEZEBEL
Bring the satchels!
(She hands him one.)
PORSCHE
(At doorway:) Hurry -- Our crash might have alerted a worm.
(As PORSCHE puts the satchel over his shoulder, he feels something. He looks at his father's mood ring. He stares at it silently, then closes his hand around it. They jump outside.)
JEZEBEL
(Starting to cry:) A million deaths are not enough for Loogy...
PORSCHE
(Inner voice, reacting to his mother's tears:) Where are my feelings... I feel for no one...
EXT. HIGH BOUGH OF PURPLE-AND-BLUE, LUMINOUS TREE - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE and JEZEBEL are running. PORSCHE pulls JEZEBEL to a fissure in the leaf-branch junction -- through to the other side, where the small overhang of the leaf offers shelter from the torrential rain. JEZEBEL slips and falls to the ground. She cries, pouring out her grief, but soon the sound of it is carried away by the building rush of wind. PORSCHE turns and looks out to the vast, luminous, prismatic, neon, moss-covered jungle, this portion of which is within a thick rain forest. Trapped clouds above rage a flameless thunderstorm. Through a break in the clouds and tree-tops we see:)
PORSCHE POV: The Left-Breast Moon has risen.
(Leaves undulate tide-like in the light of the moon. The wind picks up.)
BACK TO SCENE
(PORSCHE turns, his face illuminated by the two moons above. His eyes lock on the second moon.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) The second moon... from the dreams...
INT. PORSCHE'S EYE - NIGHT
(We move into PORSCHE'S eye, where the left-breast moon appears and revolves slowly. The moon begins to explode. The pieces of the moon soar toward us burning with white-hot flames. Within the flames we see...
EXT. CASTLE CALDERON - NIGHT
(... a burning meteor roaring over the castle on Calderon. The meteor crashes in the huge, glowing, lava sea.)
PORSCHE (V.O.)
This moon holds my future.
INT. JEZEBEL'S UTERUS/PLACENTA - NIGHT
(Smoldering confusion turning into a small, twisting fetus under the lava. Its eyes are closed. Moving close to it, its eyes snap open. Through the eyes is the pale white face of JEZEBEL.)
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
(There is a huge soaring wind sound and beyond JEZEBEL the leaves roll like ocean waves.)
EXT. LEFT-BREAST MOON - NIGHT
(The moon continues to spew pieces of moving images which are seen then disappear as fast as sparks. The broken, burning pieces float eerily toward us over the undulating leaves below. One image floats closer. It is a hand folded into a peace sign.
PORSCHE (V.O.)
I am only a seed...
(The index finger folds.)
DUKE CHEETO (V.O.)
The seed must grow.
(The hand turns, showing its back side, "flipping us off" -- the hand floats eerily forward.)
DUKE CHEETO (V.O.)
The creeper must be bakin'-
EXT. BOUGH - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Through the darkness we move to PORSCHE'S clenched hand. It opens, revealing the signet mood ring in the very center of his palm. PORSCHE looks upward to the moons of Darukkus. He looks back to the mood ring, then to his mother.)
PORSCHE
Listen to me!... you wanted to know about my dreams... and I've just had a waking dream... do you know why?
JEZEBEL
Take a chill pill-
PORSCHE
Simoleon Spice! It's resin is in everything here. The air, the soil, the food... It's like the Truthsayer drug..... It's a poison! You knew the spice would change me. But thanks to your teachings it's changed my consciousness. I can see it... I can see it.
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Is he....?
PORSCHE
You carry my unborn sister in your womb!
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) He knows.
PORSCHE
You and your Been Lez-a-bit sisterhood... I'm not your Nick-knack-paddy-whack... I'm something different, something unexpected! (Inner voice:) I'm a seed. A seed of creeper. (Out loud:) You don't know me... Whatever... You don't know me...
EXT. BOUGH - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE'S head goes down. He places the mood ring on his finger. It glows!)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) Father... now I have become a true stoner and I will continue to stone until I have avenged your death! (Out loud:) Father!
(JEZEBEL cries as she stares at her son.)
FTB
Scene 6.21 - The Purple Nurple
EST: LARGE GAUDY NARC-ON-EM PLASMIC STEAM-POWERED STEAM-PUNK SPACE FREIGHTER
(RUB-ON stomps up the ramp. He wears a large smile. His thick head sweats and sweat runs down his thick neck. He goes inside and the doors swing closed.)
INT. NARC-ON-EM SHIP - NIGHT
(He enters the ship and moves down within to the Baron's headquarters, passing two men carrying a three-tiered frosted celebration cake. RUB-ON smears a finger across the middle tier and sucks on his finger, leaving a creamy pink and white frosting on his mouth. Then he exits through a door which closes behind him.)
INT. BARON'S QUARTERS - NARC-ON-EM SHIP - NIGHT
(The BARON is flying wildly, circling the outside of a large steel shower, while FUBAR and a CAMEO BLUEGRASS BAND play a washtub, harmonica, mouth harp and banjo, producing maniacal, perverse, screaming, bluegrass music. The BARON sees RUB-ON enter, but continues to fly around the shower.)
BARON
(Very excited:) RUB-ON!... We're knee-deep in Mercedes blood! We've gutted them. We've gutted them!
(He laughs. The BARON floats to RUB-ON and begins lovingly massaging RUB-ON'S massive man-breasts as he speaks to him.)
BARON
Rub-On, Rub-On... I place you in charge of Darukkus. It's yours to squeeze, as I promised. I want you to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. (A twister, a purple nurple -- RUB-ON takes it, smiling.) Give me spice! Drive them into utter submission. You must not show the slightest pity or mercy... as only you can... Never stop! (Releasing him, RUB-ON'S shirt all pointy now.) Go.... Show no mercy!
RUB-ON
Yes, my lord Baron.
(RUB-ON leaves just as FRAYED steps out of the shower. The BARON turns to him lovingly.)
BARON
And when we've crushed these people enough I'll send in you, Frayed... they'll cheer you as a rescuer. Lovely Frayed, really a lovely boy.
CUT TO:
INT. NARC-ON-EM SHIP - NIGHT
(As RUB-ON leaves, he looks into one room of the ship. Behind the glass porthole sits SURFER HAZMAT bound head and foot, his eyes darting this way and that.)
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.22 - The Iceworm Cometh
EXT. BRANCH - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE and JEZEBEL are in spleefsuits. A leather bikini and a set of leather swim trunks, black rubber tubes and some netting to hold it all together, studded, dreaded collar and all. Very Emo. PORSCHE is looking through a Brew-kit. He finds a paper with Dr. Loogy's mark on it.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Loogy's left the plans for the weirdo modules.
EXT. MOONS - DARAKKEEN - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(The moons have moved further across the leaf-obscured sky.)
BACK TO SCENE
(Suddenly, PORCHE turns and studies his mother. A stronger wind comes up.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
We have to get to the tree trunk. We have entered the time when all will turn against us and seek our lives...
(JEZEBEL gets up. They make their way up the branch of the tree toward a large knot-hole.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
It's further than I thought... a worm is sure to come.... I'll plant a humper, that should divert it.
(PORSCHE moves off into the shadows. Suddenly, JEZEBEL sees a burst of lightning illuminate the luminous, ivy-and-moss-covered tree trunk in the distance before them. It's gargantuan.)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice as PORSCHE leaves to light the humper:) The night is a tunnel... a hole into tomorrow... if we're to have a tomorrow...
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE plants the humper which begins a powerful rhythmic noise. He turns to his mother.)
PORSCHE
(Returning:) Remember... walk without rhythm, and we won't attract a worm... it'll go to the humper.
JEZEBEL
(Puts in her noseplug:) I'm ready.
(PORSCHE and JEZEBEL move into camera and exit right.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Another burst of lightning. The distant trunk seems to have grown no larger. Their muscles begin to ache. Suddenly they hear the humper start behind them.)
PORSCHE
Vamanos... keep going, mi madre...
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Forty-four bottles of beer on the wall, forty-four bottles of beer...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT (LATER)
PORSCHE
Keep going, Madre, pronto!
JEZEBEL
Seven bottles of beer on the wall, seven bottles of beer...
(Their breathing becomes very labored. The leaves move like slow water, forever rolling down and up. Then they hear the worm, the low thundering sound of massive wooden beams snapping like toothpicks. The humper stops. PORSCHE turns.)
PORSCHE
Faster!
JEZEBEL
(Faster inner voice:) You take one down, you pass it around, six bottles of beer on the wall... Six botlles of beer on the wall... (Screaming:) It's deafening!
(Their bodies ache and they feel like dropping, yet the knot-hole is still a good distance away. Sounds from the worm grow louder and PORSCHE turns to look.)
EXT. WORM - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(A flash of lightning. The worm is now coming toward them. The worm is enormous and is approaching at a terrifyingly fast speed. The power of this worm is awesome -- like totally awesome, dude.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
PORSCHE
(Screaming:) Run!
JEZEBEL
I can't... I can't.
PORSCHE
You can and you will!
(JEZEBEL falls. PORSCHE stops and drags her up. They run again. The worm sound becomes unbearably loud. Static electricity sparks giant bolts of pure white lightning and the air turns to ozone. Finally they find reach the knot hole. Behind them the sound of the worm changes. They turn. The gigantic head of the worm is just reaching them. The mouth begins to open in a display of teeth and darkness. The mouth arches forward searching for them.)
EXT. BASE OF THE KNOT HOLE - LARGE TREE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE and JEZEBEL climb up and up inside a narrow slit at the bottom of the knot hole's rim.)
INT. KNOT HOLE CREVICE - TREE TRUNK - NIGHT
(The worm's mouth scrapes but it cannot penetrate the narrow opening in the knot hole's rim.)
EXT. KNOT HOLE - NIGHT
(PORCHE and JEZEBEL have crawled inward, perhaps ten feet into the large crevice.)
EXT. WORM AND KNOT HOLE - NIGHT
(Still, the worm reaches out to them. Suddenly the worm ends the rim-job and begins knocking on the knot hole. Huge shudders drive through the trunk. Over and over again the worm mindlessly hits at the tree trunk.)
EXT. KNOT HOLE BASE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE and JEZEBEL crouch further back in the tiny passageway of safety, but a wall of dried sap prevents them from moving back any more.)
INT. KNOT HOLE - NIGHT
(The breath from the worm is like a hurricane of wind.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) That fruity taste... the spice! (Out loud:) Do you smell it?
JEZEBEL
Yes...
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) I know the secret. The worm is the spice... the spice is the worm.
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Suddenly a colossal chunk of the tree's bark cracks and topples off into the worm's mouth. Instantly the worm pulls back. A huge plasmic fire roars deep within the near-transparent worm, consuming the bark.)
INT. KNOT HOLE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(The worm now can get even closer to PORSCHE and JEZEBEL. It looms up again and scrapes its mouth up against the rim of the knot hole.)
EXT. KNOT HOLE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Another fissure opens, and suddenly half the bark protecting them splits off entirely and falls... taking PORSCHE with it.)
EXT. WORM AND ROCK - NIGHT
(...against the worm.)
EXT. TREE TRUNK - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE is knocked off the worm onto the tree's sloped trunk and slides straight down the trunk a hundred feet. His feet skid along the face of the bark. He bounces and brakes. He hits and jumps. He careens from one rut, flies upside down, rights himself then tumbles and skids into a lower branch. Unhurt, he jumps up and scrambles up to another part of the trunk to safety.)
EXT. KNOT HOLE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
JEZEBEL
Porsche!
(She presses against the narrow ledge that is left after the worm assault.)
EXT. BASE OF KNOT HOLE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(The worm is just coming up again when distant humping is heard. The worm, as if charmed by the sound, turns and moves off towards it.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) A humper.
EXT. TREE TRUNK - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(JEZEBEL climbs further down and manages to get over to a place where she can meet up with PORSCHE, who is now climbing back up to her.)
JEZEBEL
(Crying:) What's happened?... Why did it leave?
PORSCHE
(Breathing heavily:) Someone started another humper.... We're not alone.
(They climb downwards, along the trunk's rut until the rut ends at the mouth of another dark crevice in a large knot hole. PORSCHE and JEZEBEL try to see into the inky black hole.)
EXT. CREVICE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Slowly PORSCHE and JEZEBEL enter, inching forward. A low moan of wind comes up. PORSCHE can see nothing, then suddenly he sees stars through a cracked crevice above and sees the hint of descending stairs cut into the wood interior of the tree ahead of him.)
JEZEBEL
(Whispering:) Man-carved steps.
PORSCHE
(Whispering) Yes...
(They descend the staircase and enter an extremely narrow dark channel of polished wood, opening to a large, hollow, starlit chamber. As they make their way through the entrance, suddenly there is a burst of lightning which illuminates a whole troop of Brew-men standing silently in front of them.)
EXT. BREW-MEN PLACE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(The leader long-hair Brew-man speaks first.)
VAN HAGAR
Perhepps these are the ones Gehps told us of, eh? (To JEZEBEL:) Are you trenned in the wehs of the jungle?
JEZEBEL
No, but many consider my training valuable.
VAN HAGAR
I will tek the boy-toy... he shell heve senkshooehry in me tribe, doncha'-know...
(A low note on a dip stick is blown by one of the Brew-men tribe. JEZEBEL shifts, PORSCHE sees it, and just as VAN HAGAR begins a reach for his weapon, JEZEBEL turns, slashes out, utters a sound, whirls again and with wall behind her holds VAN HAGAR helpless in front of her -- her hand at his throat. PORSCHE moves on her first move. He races up a wood-chip incline.)
EXT. FREMEN PLACE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(He then jumps higher-up and presses himself between two planks on a low shelf overlooking the rest of the Brew-men troop.)
EXT. FREMEN PLACE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(The troop starts shooting projectile weapons in PORSCHE'S direction.)
VAN HAGAR
Stop! Get beck!! She hez the weirdo whey doncha'-know. Uff-da! Why didn't you tell us, eh? Great Bog... if you ken do this to the strongest of us you're worth ten times your weight of resin. U-betcha! As the leader of my people I give you my bond, eh? Teach us this weirdo way and you both shell hev seckshooehry, doncha'-know. Your resin shell smoke with our resin and we'll be okey-dokey, U-betcha.
JEZEBEL
Then I will teach you our way of battle.... you have the word bond of a Been Lez-a-bit.
A BREW-MAN
It is the legend, doncha'-know!
EXT. FREMEN PLACE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Up on the shelf, PORSCHE turns. He takes a step, then notices a small figure standing in front of him. It is a girl. A hot girl.)
STONI
I am Stoni, daughter of Bud, U-betcha... I would not heve permitted you to harm my tribe, doncha-know.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) From my dream... so beautiful. Bud.... is this Kind's daughter?
(PORSCHE stares at her in wonder.)
STONI
Come with me, eh? Alrightyden! I'll show you an easier way down, U-betcha.
(They exit.)
EXT. FREMEN PLACE - DEEP JUNGLE - NIGHT
VAN HAGAR
(To PORSCHE, as they meet:) You have strength... real strength... You shall be known as Coozy, which preserves the cold of the beer can. This is your secret name in our troop. But you must choose the name of manhood which we will call you openly.
PORSCHE
(Thinking:) What do you call the mouse shadow under the nipple of the second moon?
VAN HAGAR
We call that one Poop-A-Doob.
PORSCHE
Could I be known as Porsche Poop-A-Doob?
VAN HAGAR
You are Porsche Poop-A-Doob, and your mother shall be a Say-yadda-yadda-yadda among us.... We welcome you.
(Wind blows a cloud of dust through the wooden cavern. High above the moon with the mouse shadow glows brilliantly. It dissolves into the sun.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(PORSCHE, JEZEBEL and the Brew-men march across the branches, from tree to tree, miles above the moss-and leaf-covered ground below.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DUSK/SUNSET
(Rain and slippery bark and sap-covered leaves. Mysterious sounds echo in the distance as the giant sun is setting. STONI takes PORSCHE to the top of tree. They stare at the sunset and a huge tree, towering above others, looming in the distance.)
STONI
Tree Sabre.
PORSCHE
It's just like a big tree house, ain't it? Like them elves that make them cookies...
(PORSCHE looks at the tree, then turns to her. She's hot, like a girl in a shower. She cracks open a beer, offers him one-)
STONI
Tell me of your homeworld, Coozy.
(These words rend PORSCHE'S soul. He cannot speak. He reaches out and touches her hand - her cheek.)
INT. ENTRANCE - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(The Brew-men troop enters into a large square room with slot passageways going off in various directions.)
INT. PASSAGEWAY - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(They all move down one of the passageways which are beautifully but very plainly cut with lasguns. They are like passages in the pyramids, dark with sharp turns and inclines upwards or downwards, some very steep and long, and others descending hundreds of feet. There is a strong, moaning wind.)
PASSAGEWAY/STAIRS - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(A quiet wind can be heard -- deep and moaning.)
JEZEBEL
Resin... oxygen...
(She looks at PORSCHE. He, too, notices.)
PORSCHE
Oxy-traps... huge ones.
(Down a long, sloping, narrow passageway they go until they reach a stairway cut into the wood. It is very dark and gets increasingly darker as they descend. The wind sound grows. The air grows warmer and drier. PORSCHE and JEZEBEL share another questioning look. At the bottom of the stairs they pass through a narrow slot doorway which suddenly opens out on something so totally unexpected it shocks PORSCHE.)
INT. FLAME RESERVOIR - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(It is enormous, deep reservoir of black resin bubbling and boiling silently in the depths of the tree and stretches out into the darkness. Flames dance about the surface as the oxygen and the fuel meet the never-quenching, slithering flame.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Flame on Darukkus! I have seen this place in a dream. (Out loud:) A treasure.
VAN HAGAR
Greater than treasure, Coozy. We have thousands of such ceh-shehz, doncha'-know. Only a few of us know them all, U-betcha. When we heve enough... we shell chenge the fess of Darukkus, eh? Uff-da! Listen!...
(There is the sound of flames licking the boiling resin. The lights are extinguished - the glow shines on PORSCHE'S face.)
VAN HAGAR (Cont'd)
The Trees of Darukkus hold many secrets, eh?
CUT TO:
INT. HALL OF RITES
(Thousands of Brew-men wait below. PORSCHE enters a wooden ledge, guided by two monks, which is crowded with Brew-men and old Brew-men Monks. Below the crowds continue to watch and wait while a giant wind organ moans. A monk steps up to PORSCHE.)
MONK
We sense that you may be the "voice from the outer world" doncha'-know. Both moons told us of you. U-betcha. You must pess tests before we will know, eh? You mest conquer the beast of the jungle, both his outer and his deadly inner powers, doncha'-know. (Moves back) Speak to us, eh? Uff-da! From the outer world!
(PORSCHE turns and gathers courage to address the multitude below.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) I am only a seed. (Out loud:) I am Coozy... Porsche Poop-A-Doob.
CROWD
(Loud murmur:) Poop-A-Doob!
MONK
U-betcha! The legend, eh?
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) No one ever dreamed there would be so many tokers. (Out loud:) Our shared enemy, the Narc-On-Ems, are once again in control of Darukkus. Van Hagar, your leader, has asked me and my mother to crush the Narc-On-Ems. We must do more than this. We must totally destroy all spice pruning on Darukkus. The Spaced-Out Guild and the entire Universe depends on spice. -- "He who can destroy a thing, controls a thing". -- I will take sixty-nine of your finest pipe-chonging warriors and train them. This sixty-nine will train four-twenty, and the four-twenty will train the thousands that remain. When the spice blazing stops, all eyes will turn to Darukkus. The Baron and the Emperor himself will be forced to deal with us. Darukkus will become the center of the Universe. (Inner voice:) The dream unfolds.
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 6.23 - Smoke On The Water, Fire In The Lungs
INT. TRAINING ROOM - TREE SABRE - DAY
(Large room with a low ceiling. A drummer playing makes a low echoing musical hit. A big block of wood is moved across coarse sawdust -- back-and-forth -- fast. A rhythm is started -- powerful. PORSCHE enters, pauses and looks to JEZEBEL - he stands in front of 69 Brew-men men. JEZEBEL sits behind him alongside VAN HAGAR. A large wood obelisk has been placed near PORSCHE for this demonstration.)
PORSCHE
The weirdo way is a long-kept secret of the Been Lez-a-bit order. With my mother's help, my father isolated an element of the weirdo way and externalized it.
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
Because of the Narc-On-Em treachery, my father's armies were never able to fully develop this new form. This is what I will teach you. You will be the fiercest and most feared fighters in The Universe. Our way of battle is built on rhythm. You understand rhythm like this but you do not yet understand the rhythm of the higher sounds, sounds that heal and build... sounds that destroy. Motion is the base. You understand the motion... but you do not yet understand the motion that heals and builds... motions that destroy... Fellatio! (A Brew-man moves forward) This obelisk of petrified wood is of your hardest, most flame-resistant material. Kick it... (He does -- the wood doesn't move.) Hit it... (He does -- the wood doesn't move.) Yell at it...
FELLATIO
Burn!
(The Brew-men laugh -- the wood doesn't burn. A Brew-men soldier with a plasgun tries to spark it. PORSCHE motions him back, slightly.)
PORSCHE
Back up, y'all!
(PORSCHE also moves back. He switches on his weirdo module. He opens his mouth and makes a small sound, which the module amplifies.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
Nag-Champa!
(The sound briefly ignites the wood and shatters the obelisk to pieces. The Brew-men yell with surprise and awe.)
69 FREMEN
Patchouli!
PORSCHE
This is part of the weirdo way that we will teach you. Some thoughts have a certain sound... that being the equivalent to a form. Through sound and motion you will be able to spark blunts, over-stone or remote-toke an enemy or even burst his lungs.... We will kill until no Narc-On-Em breathes Darukkeen air.
69 FREMEN
Poop-A-Doob!
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) To avenge my father, I will turn you into killing machines.
(VAN HAGAR turns to JEZEBEL.)
VAN HAGAR
Say-yadda-yadda-yadda. Our Reverend Mother tells me she is too old... She has been celling through spece and time for you to come and let her rest, doncha'-know. She esks thet you pess within, eh?
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) They want me to smoke the Resin Of Fruitful Life... the Truthsayer drug... so dangerous, yet... we must move swiftly if we're to secure our place among these Brew-men. (Out loud:) I will try to pass within.
VAN HAGAR
Uff-da! Death may be the result, doncha'-know... Are you sure?
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) I must do this for Porsche, but what of my unborn child?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. WOOD LEDGE - HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(Brew-men carry the Brew-men REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO in on a litter. The old Reverend Mother is old and frail yet extremely beautiful and mysterious. She turns to PORSCHE and JEZEBEL with a strange look.)
REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO
(To JEZEBEL, in an ancient voice:) So you are the ones, eh?
(She turns away towards the monks who are very busy blowing horns and waving pots of smoking spice, purifying the area of the rite. Several Brew-men blow on dip sticks and a FEMALE CHOIR begins a haunting chorale as the giant hash-pipe organ blows beautiful low notes below. PORSCHE looks to his mother. He then sees STONI.)
CU: STONI
CU: PORSCHE -- he cannot stop looking at her.
(VAN HAGAR motions to PORSCHE.)
VAN HAGAR
(Whispering to PORSCHE:) Do you know the Resin Of Fruitful Life?... Come... Watch... the mystery of mysteries... the end and the beginning, doncha'-know.
(He shows PORSCHE through a narrow passageway -- almost a slot through the wooden wall to a small room. Through an opening in the wooden wall, PORSCHE is shown a very strange-and-somewhat-horrifying scene.)
INT. BABY WORM - BAKER ROOM - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(A thirty-foot baby worm is being lowered into a wood chamber. The chamber is then covered with a wire top. Valves are turned and boiling resin rushes into the chamber. The worm begins to writhe violently and leap and bang against the bars above. The worm begins to turn inside out from the mouth back and it begins to gag. Some monks and resinmasters quickly drain the wood chamber and wrench the worm out using large steel hooks. They hold the worm above a large tub. A resinmaster-reed man runs a long reed in to the worm, causing it to spasm and gag up a beautiful, glowing, fiery, deep green bile as it dies.)
INT. BAKER ROOM - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(The bile and leaf sap-resin are combined in ceremonial containers. PORSCHE turns to VAN HAGAR.)
VAN HAGAR
The Resin Of Fruitful Life.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Not very fruitful for that maggot. I hear it's the most lethal poison in The Universe.
(Then we hear from PORSCHE'S memory his conversation with the Reverend Mother:)
REVEREND MOTHER V.O.
... Many men have tried.
PORSCHE V.O.
Did they try and fail?
REVEREND MOTHER V.O.
Oh no, they tried and died.
INT. WOOD LEDGE - HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(VAN HAGAR and PORSCHE return to the ledge above the Hall of Rites. A MONK PRIEST steps forward, addresses the crowd, silencing them. The other monks move back carrying their smoking cleansing bags.)
MONK #1
One among us hez consented to enter the rite, doncha'-know. She will attempt to pess within that we not lose the strength of our Reverend Mother, eh?
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) What if she should fail?
(The monk brings the jug close to JEZEBEL.)
MONK #1
Smoke!
(JEZEBEL smokes.)
JEZEBEL
(Inner voice:) Whew! Totally tastes like ass! The ultimate awareness spectrum narcotic. I must transform the poison configuration within my body... the green must be made clean.
(She inhales deeply. Her body contorts and spasms violently. She cries and pounds her chest, holding it in. The Reverend Mother cries and pounds her own chest right along with her.)
INT. WOOD LEDGE - HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(We see JEZEBEL sitting, shoulders tight and spasming -- straining, her eyelids half-closed and flickering.)
INT. WOOD LEDGE - HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(The old Reverend Mother slowly extends a hand toward JEZEBEL'S shoulder.)
JEZEBEL - MENTAL IMAGE
(Inside JEZEBEL, we see the Reverend Mother's hand descend through the dark void. Shimmering water starts to ripple, lightly stirring an image of JEZEBEL. As the hand penetrates, something deep within her starts to glow. It is a fetus, a female. The Reverend Mother's hand flinches as it touches the fetus. The fetus sparks to life - screaming and rapidly spasming upwards on its umbilical cord.)
INT. WOOD LEDGE - WALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO V.O.
(Whispering urgently into JEZEBEL'S ear:) Uff-da! You should have told us, eh!?!
JEZEBEL'S MENTAL IMAGE - FETUS
REVEREND MOTHER ROLLO V.O. (Cont'd)
(Gasping:) Uff-da! Great Mother! This changes both, doncha'-know! U-betcha! What have we done, eh?
INT. THE TUNNEL - NIGHT
(JEZEBEL and the fetus rush mentally through a dark strangely worm-like tunnel until suddenly, a gaping black hole appears. A horrible wind, sparks and circles of expanding light issues from it.
JEZEBEL (V.O)
(Inner voice, fearful:) No! This is the place where we cannot look, the weed we dare not toke! The place only for the eyes of the Nick-knack-paddy-whack.
CU: THE FETUS
(The fetus twists down the tunnel to join JEZEBEL, her umbilical cord trailing behind. She screams as she looks into the hole.)
MS: THE NAVIGATOR
(She and JEZEBEL see a shape moving deep within the windy hole. It is a Boston Third Stage Navigator, roaring.)
JEZEBEL (V.O.)
What is this?... Is this what over-stones the men who enter here?
(She quickly takes the fetus back up the tunnel. As they move:)
JEZEBEL V.O. (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) Now my daughter and I are both Reverend Mothers.
REVEREND MOTHER PALIN VON ROLLO (V.O.)
(Distant:) I've been a long time waiting for you, doncha'-know. Here is my life, eh?
INT. WOOD LEDGE - HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(The old Reverend Mother slumps forward onto the wood planks, dead. The crowd waits. The corpse is tenderly removed. JEZEBEL very slowly opens her eyes and looks about her. The monk holds the bong to her lips.)
MONK
Change it that we may all smoke of it, eh?
(JEZEBEL blows white smoke into the mouthpiece. The monk swirls the bong, sniffs at the mouthpiece and then tokes.)
MONK (Cont'd)
(Light green smoke:) It is changed, doncha'-know!
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) She did it!
INT. HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(The Brew-men suddenly turn their attention to PORSCHE.... They whisper "It is the prophecy!" They soon begin to chant... "Poop-A-Doob.... Poop-A-Doob" over and over again. The chanting sounds fill the hall along with the ghostly wind organ.)
INT. HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(Down below, the crowds continue chanting "Poop-A-Doob, Poop-A-Doob.")
INT. WOOD LEDGE - HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE continues to stare at STONI. He moves to her. STONI turns. PORSCHE is at her side. Their eyes meet and lock.)
STONI
(Whispering:) Come with me, eh?
INT. PASSAGEWAY ON WOOD LEDGE - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(At the end of the dark black corridor, STONI turns and she and PORSCHE fall together in a long kiss filled with love.)
PORSCHE
Stoni.... I love you... I've always loved you....
FTB
Scene 6.24 - Milk: Does A Mental Good
INT. STAIRCASE - GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(The BARON and FRAYED descend several steps into a darker area of Greedy Grime. FRAYED is carrying a strange, uddered, plucked-feather-looking creature in a small, chicken-wire cage. The Baron is floating as he descends. [So: If they GOT chicken wire...])
BARON
(Taking a drink:) Frayed, even though he's aging, Surfer is one of the finest Mentals in the Universe... and he's mine, Frayed... all mine.... Quiet now.
FRAYED
(A la Pauly Shore:) Yeah, buddy.
INT. BASEMENT ROOM - GREEDY GRIME - DAY
(FUBAR stands eating candy behind SURFER'S chair. FUBAR has a stun gun, even though SURFER'S hands are tied. The BARON enters with FRAYED. SURFER uncomfortably shifts in his chair. Several disturbing intravenious tubes with noxious-colored bags trail off to various orifices and places on his bound body.)
BARON
Oh Surfer, I see they've installed your butt-plug already... Don't be angry. Everyone gets one here. But this is not why we're here. We've brought you a little monster, Surfer. A Grimean Hill-Hopping Buffalo-Bird. You must care for it if you wish to live. A poison has been introduced into you, Surfer Hazmat. By milking this smooth little cow-bird body each day you receive your antidote... it must be done each day.... Also, you must do something for me if you wish to live. You know I lost Pitter-Patter, my dear Mental...
(SURFER gives the BARON a weak, wide-eyed stare.)
FRAYED
All I can see is a Mercedes that I want to kill.
BARON
Frayed, no, no! Surfer's a Narc-On-Em now, aren't you Surfer?
SURFER
(Inner voice:) My dear Duke... how I have failed you.
WIPE TO:
Scene 6.25 - The Godsend
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(JEZEBEL'S face shows signs of straining; she hits a pipe, it's much better... Women move around her, STONI and HASHISH at her side, helping her give birth. Suddenly AH! LEAH! is born and her freshly-born moist body is held up in front of JEZEBEL. The baby's red eyes snap open, burning brightly.)
HASHISH
What will you call her?
JEZEBEL
Ah! Leah!
(As they lift Ah! Leah! for Jezebel to see...)
AH! LEAH!
Momma...
INT. TRAINING ROOM - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE walks down the steps into the training room - followed by HASHISH'S two sons. He pauses at the foot of the steps.)
PORSCHE
Activate your weirdo modules...
(PORSCHE activates his, and the Brew-men follow suit.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
Set the range for two meters.
(PORSCHE walks down the line of Brew-men.)
PORSCHE
Korn-Head... (Points to robot:) The arm...
KORN-HEAD
(Aiming the module:) Sometimes I can't take this place...Chaka-Khan...
PORSCHE
Emotion In Motion... Chaka-Khan...
KORN-HEAD
Sometimes I can't feel my face... Chaka-Khan...
(He fires the module and the arm of the robot is shot-off. PORSCHE smiles and hits him on the shoulder - PORSCHE walks on.)
PORSCHE
Van Hagar...
(One of the BREW-MEN calls out to PORSCHE.)
A BREW-MEN WARRIOR
Poop-A-Doob!...
(The word 'Poop-A-Doob' causes a tremendous power to build. The module shakes violently in his hand - it suddenly fires upwards, and the wall explodes.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) My own name is a stoning word. Will it be a baking word as well?
FTB
Scene 6.26 - The Faygo-kin
VAN HAGAR
(To PORSCHE as he applies strawberry-milk-pink colour to the shoulders of several large Brew-men, shaped into very large, yield-sign-lookin' triangles:) Coozy... these are fifteen of our fiercest fighter fops to serve you as your guard... the Faygo-kin. He pauses, then holds up his brilliantly-bright pink hand.
FAYGO-KIN
UFF-DA!
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(An explosion. PORSCHE turns and his eyes are totally red. He lifts binoculars to them and looks. He sees the Brew-men fighters below charging at the Narc-On-Ems. As the Brew-men toke, they run and make powerful sounds with their weirdo modules, exploding everything in their path and briefly catching things on fire.)
EXT. CARRYALL - JUNGLE - DAY
(In the distance, a huge spice carryall is shot down and it falls to the ground exploding more violently on impact. The heavy rains and lack of oxygen douse the flames.)
BACK TO SCENE
PORSCHE
Now!
(VAN HAGAR signals, and Brew-men run behind them. Heavy metal music oddly wails.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(To VAN HAGAR:) They're even better on the battlefield than in the training rooms! (Inner voice:) Sound... as a weapon. If only you could see them, father.
CUTAWAY:
INT. GREEN ROOM - ON THE SET OF DANK
(CHEETO is with BUNKO, KIND, LOOGY and PITTER in the green room, in make-up, but out of costume. They are toking, eating and drinking. INDICA is quietly sitting in a corner, in costume, buried in her cell-phone, texting and scrolling, texting and scrolling, There are numerous CREW SLUTS milling about -- smoking and laughing and gossiping with SHOUT-OUT, who is looking fine as hell and winning the drinking game. There is a wide screen television airing the movie. We see PORSCHE scale a large leaf on the screen.)
DUKE CHEETO
I can, son, I can. You're doing great!
BUNKO
Shoots! We're nearly to the end, eh?
KIND
(Looks at long blunt:) Nah, there's like a boat-load more to go...
PITTER
I knew I shouldn't have left my stash with the Baron, I'll never get it back. He's probably already smoked it...
BUNKO
Shoots, he never have. He never be holdin' -- 'cept smokin' some-buddy else's Pakalolo...
LOOGY
(Tosses lit blunt -- PITTER catches it perfectly:) Hit this, Pitter -- the Baron'll be here soon enough and then you can produce that super blunt that you've been bragging about...
PITTER
I did roll a super-blunt! It was the last of my Kryptonite!
KIND
Whatever... what was it supposed to be last night? Purple Haze?
PITTER
I was getting pulled over, I had to ditch it!
KIND
Whatever... you gonna hit that?
BUNKO
Shoots, pass it here if you not going to hit, yeah?
PITTER
Chill! I'm working over here...
(PITTER craftily tokes.)
CHEETO
(A sexy tart sits on his lap:) Hey Kind, when's Rub-On get back? He was supposed to pick up the condoms and summa that new-flavor love-lube... This is getting like torture already...
KIND
You mean like "torturous" already. So, who am I, the frickin' A-D? How should I frickin' know?
CHEETO
You were the last to see him, bro...
PITTER
(Passes:) Who's A-D?
KIND
Well, he was still alive when I left him...
LOOGY
(To a camping PITTER:) The Assistant Director, dorkus...
PITTER
Hey! My background is in theatre... [For lack of a better word] ...Porkus -- howem my spoesto know? (Looks around to the various CREW SLUTS milling about. Hits deeply. Protracted pause. Throws a packaged pastry at KIND from a convenient snack bowl nearby:) Don't call me dorkus, doofus...
(A total air ball. It hits a tart on her backside. She turns, hopeful, thinking someone famous goosed her pilates-toned ass. Pause. Nope.)
PITTER (Cont'd)
(Throws another packaged pastry, this time on target -- KIND catches it.) I've had enough of you!
BUNKO
Can't we all just get along? Throw me summadoze Pecan Cinnimon Rolls dere, will you? Shoots! I so got the munchies over here, yeah?
CHEETO
(Quick, light, shhhhh-ey:) Shut up! Shut up! The crappy C-G-I part's done -- he's back on!
BACK TO SCENE
CU: PORSCHE
(PORSCHE smiles as he looks at the battle in the distance from the crest of a large leaf.)
MS: THE CARNAGE
PORSCHE V.O. (Cont'd)
(His V.O. from the past:) When the spice flow stops, the entire Universe will turn to Darukkus. The Baron and the Emperor himself will be forced to deal with us.
INT. PASSAGEWAYS - DARAKKEEN - DAY
(RUB-ON stares dumbfounded as many NARC-ON-EM wounded and dead are brought through the passageway beyond. RUB-ON grabs a NARC-ON-EM soldier and asks:)
RUB-ON
What happened? What happened to you? What is he saying?
WOUNDED NARC-ON-EM
(Over-stoned:) Poop-A-Doob! Poop-A-Doob! Poop-A-Doob!
(RUB-ON pushes him away.)
A NARC-ON-EM SOLDIER
He's been repeating that name ever since we found him.
RUB-ON
Who is this Poop-A-Doob?
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Rain torrents; wet leaves. A big humper is forced into a branch. A rhythm is heard pounding on Brew-men hand drums and rhythm instruments. Feet scramble. Black spleef-suited Faygo-kin warrior bodyguards gather. VAN HAGAR turns.)
VAN HAGAR
(To PORSCHE:) Coozy... It is time you become a wormrider, eh? Travel as the Brew-men do, doncha'-know. Take these Been-Wah Baker Balls of our tree and ride as a leader of men.
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(As PORSCHE leaves the troop to plant the second humper:)
VAN HAGAR V.O.
Two humpers are plented, doncha'-know. The worm may not show for the first - he will certainly come for the second, U-betcha. Remember, when the worm approaches, you must be utterly still, eh? And close enough to plant the balls firmly in a toxin-slit, doncha'-know... The stimulation will cause the worm to turn and lift this vibrating area as far from the sticky sap as possible and it will take you with it -- to the top, eh? Do not get too close as he approaches... the sap will engulf you.... U-betcha. Wait till the head of the worm passes -- then go... quickly. Uff-da! Don't showboat or try any hot dog stunts, Coozy, you have nothing to prove, doncha'-know. Fulfilling our prophecy is impressive enough, eh? You only need to ride the Shia La-Beouf, as all Brew-men do, that is all, eh? Please understand, even our small boys can do this. U-betcha!
VAN HAGAR & BREW-MEN
Shia La-Beouf... Shia La-Beouf...
(In the distance the telltale storm, signaling the worm's approach begins. This worm is climbing from far below and the sound is low and the tree trembles violently.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Only the very strong ones navigate the larger branches....
(The sound and vibrations continue to build. In the distance, the Faygo-kin and VAN HAGAR watch.)
VAN HAGAR
(To the others:) Coozy has called a big one. Again... it is the legend.
PORSCHE
(Pause, quick-take:) Hey, Brother, you think I can get a copy of this legend so maybe (emphasize:) I can know what's gonna happen?
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Rain torrents... Thunderous approach of the worm. PORSCHE still cannot see the worm, but the sound begins to drown-out the Brew-men rhythm instruments and the leaves begin to vibrate. Suddenly, PORSCHE sees...)
EXT. WORM - DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(...a glowing mountain of sap-coated brush rises up, towering, thundering -- lightning lights; fissuring throughout the air above the worm. The luminous, multi-colored mountain approaches at a terrifying speed. Then, the worm appears in full camouflage-- rushing. The mouth, at first a small opening, begins to widen -- exposing glistening choppers.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(PORSCHE freezes. He lets the worm get closer and closer. The rain torrents distort the gigantic form, making it more hideous -- more foreign. He moves forward. The others watch anxiously. This worm is big. It is so much larger than imaged. Its top towers 69 feet in the air. The luminous segments are each a dozen feet wide.)
EXT. VERTICAL SECTION OF WORM - JUNGLE - DAY
(PORSCHE gets close and running alongside, he plants the balls inside a two-foot, toxin-oozing slit near a barbed hair of the worm. He jiggles the rope. The sound is excruciatingly loud. The sap is so deep and more is being thrown out beneath the body of the worm. PORSCHE gets caught in it and falls. He narrowly escapes being sucked-under the thousand-foot inchworm. He gets up -- runs again and plants the balls once more, deeper this time with his forearm going in to ensure deep penetration. He runs faster, pulling the slit's fleshy mouth open to expose the tender flesh within. His arm begins to vibrate, the balls now fully operational. The worm turns.)
EXT. FULL-SIZE SECTION OF WORM - JUNGLE - DAY
(PORSCHE pulls himself up the body as it turns -- holding onto the ropes tethered to the vibrating balls. Soon he is thirty -- forty -- sixty-nine feet off the ground. The giant worm gets the second humper and PORSCHE at that moment climbs to the top. He plants the second set of balls in another, nearby, toxin-oozing slit.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) A wormrider!...
(PORSCHE raises sap-and-toxin-coated arms, much like Bastian did on the luckdragon in The Never Ending Story, except Bastian did it without the sap and toxins and Been Wah Baker Balls and all... This is Been-Wah-Baker-Sap-And-Toxin PLUS!!!)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(The other Brew-men all clamber-on, climbing-up the sides to the top.)
PORSCHE
(Yelling:) Long live the stoners!
(They return the traditional call and PORSCHE steers the maker in a giant circle. They head out across the leaves.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(RUB-ON and NARC-ON-EMS in the jungle. RUB-ON observes tremendous destruction of his spice harvesters and carryalls.)
EMPEROR'S WORLD REPORT VOICE
Seventeen Great Houses of the Rad Lands have reported a significant delay in delivery of spice per CHONG agreement. This constitutes a serious violation of CHONG codes. Contact Baron Gregor Narc-On-Em immediately.
INT. GREAT HALL - DARAKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(A furious RUB-ON sirs in a black steel tub in the Great Hall. Yeah, his man-boobs are pierced and tattooed. So gross. A squad of TROOPS stands at attention in front of him, listening to his screaming fit. A rubber duckie pops up as RUB-ON shifts in the tub.)
RUB-ON
Falsify the reports. We can't hide it all, tell them we've lost only four hundred harvesters... and twenty carryalls... and don't let my uncle know about the destruction of the spice silos.... I will catch this Poop-A-Doob and suck the blood from him! SUCK THE BLOOD FROM HIM!
EXT. HARVESTER - JUNGLE - DAY
(A destroyed harvester.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(Fighting is going on between Brew-men and some smugglers. PORSCHE moves down a slippery leaf with VAN HAGAR followed by Brew-men and Faygo-kin.)
PORSCHE
We surprised a band of smugglers.
VAN HAGAR
(Racing into the wet wind:) Too bad... thought they were Narc-On-Em.
(PORSCHE and VAN HAGAR move through the rain. A man runs up with a maul-ya pistol aimed at PORSCHE but PORSCHE spins and over-stones the man's chest with a sound from his weirdo module. The man passes out; heavily sedated. PORSCHE turns and a large figure comes through the rain torrent. They surprise each other. The figure holds a gun.)
PORSCHE
Smarty!...
(The figure stops -- stunned.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
You've no need of your weapons with me, Smarty Alleck.
SMARTY
(Peering; whisper of hope:) Porsche! Porsche!
PORSCHE
Don't you trust your own eyes?
SMARTY
Yours have become so red. The Mentals said you were dead. They said...
(PORSCHE shows him the mood signet ring on his finger. SMARTY moves forward, his eyes tearing, and the two embrace each other and pound each other on the back, like a nephew home from war greeting his uncle.)
SMARTY (Cont'd)
You young pup! You young pup!
FTB
Scene 6.27 - Tough Talk
EST: SHI-IT-KAN
WORLD REPORT VOICE
Stand-by... warning... we have just received a coded threat from the Guild. Spice production is in serious jeopardy... Greedy Grime supplying false reports... Guild to visit Emperor in one standard day.
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
(The Emperor sits on his throne. Behind him are his Sativa Warrior Officers. In front of him are several P-O'd Guildsmen. One holds a large electrical apparatus up to the face plate of another which translates his strange voice into English. Sure, it's subtitled, too...)
TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Emperor Sh-Boom The Fourth... You have one last chance to take matters into your own hands and bring the situation under control on Darukkus.
EMPEROR
Say wha? Yo! Step back! Who you think you talkin' to? What do you mean one last...
TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Zip it! Do not speak!... Listen!... You do not have more than this one chance. We are seriously fiending here; more than you can imagine! We cannot afford another failure on your part. I represent the entire Spaced-Out Guild in this matter.... You have failed to apprehend the Mercedes heir... Porsche.
EMPEROR
What? But he was said to...
TANKED GUILDSMEN #2
(Moans like a cow:) Noooooo... he is not dead. He is not eaten by worms as you have wanted to believe to be so. No. He is not M-I-A. We see him. He is very alive and is shacking up with a local concubine. He lives in the deep jungle with the Brew-men, and his mother, and also perhaps with your infamous Darukkeen rebel, Poop-a-doob!
EMPEROR
Poop-a-doob!?! Who is Poop-a-doob?
TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Another man you have failed to stop! He is a Brew-man leader who destroys the spice, that is all we know of him. We can't see him -- we do not know who he is! He attacks from everywhere, the spice is in great danger. Emperor Sh-Boom, you must go to Topiary IV to fix this today. We are not asking, we are telling; remedy the situation or you will live-out your life in a pain amplifier.
(The Guildsmen turn and leave, almost going out the wrong way.)
EMPEROR
Who is this Porsche Mercedes to the Guild? And why do they look so darn confused?
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - DAY
(JEZEBEL sits with HASHISH.)
HASHISH
Your Reverence, I don't wish to upset you, but the other women...
INT. PASSAGEWAY - TREE SABRE - DAY
(At the end of the passageway, standing alone -- staring with powerful intense red-within-red eyes -- is AH! LEAH!. She's listening mentally.)
HASHISH V.O.
...they don't like Ah! Leah! around. She frightens them. It is the strangeness, the smallness, of your daughter.
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - DAY
JEZEBEL
It's the way she speaks of things, sees things...
(AH! LEAH! is listening - then exits.)
INT. PASSAGEWAY - TREE SABRE - DAY
(AH! LEAH! listens mentally.)
JEZEBEL V.O.
...beyond her years and of things no child could know -- things of the past. -- The far past.
(Pause.)
(AH! LEAH! begins walking. She appears to be angry.)
JEZEBEL V.O. (Cont'd)
A daughter who knew at birth everything I know, like a girl who watched a late-nite, Third-Millennium-skin-flick-B-movie Marathon without any parental controls...
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - DAY
HASHISH
But Your Reverence, they won't have her around them. She's freaky and talks all adult, like a midget and all, except she isn't a little person, she's a little monster!
(AH! LEAH! enters.)
AH! LEAH!
(Screaming little adult voice:) Hashish! Would they deny me the right to use this mind? (Dances a little a la Shirley Temple:) This body?
AH! LEAH! (Cont'd)
(Using The Tongue:) Would they deny me the right to talk trash? Girl, I wanna know ya, know ya give ya, give ya jungle love oh-wee oh-wee oh!
(HASHISH'S head nearly bursts with pain and she screams as if she were dying.)
JEZEBEL
Ah! Leah! (The Tongue:) Stop! (Normal voice:) Tell me, sweetie, where'd you get such a terrible notion?
AH! LEAH!
Movies, Mommy, movies... where else?
JEZEBEL
Which movie was it? Frenzy? Watchmen? 2001: A Space Odyssey? What movie put such a twisted thought into your head? Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch? Humanoids From The Deep? Porky's?
AH! LEAH!
Actually, I stayed-up last night watching Scanners...
JEZEBEL
Well, cool it! Do nice things, baby... Ever see Modern Problems?
AH! LEAH!
The one with tha guy who got covered in toxic slime?
JEZEBEL
That's the one, Sweet Pea...
(HASHISH'S low gutteral moans of her aftershocks of pain slowly turn to moans of pleasure. Soon she is thrashing about, screaming in ecstasy, going nuts.)
AH! LEAH!
(Wide-eyed and smiling, intent on perpetuating the woman's continuous, orgasmic response:) You're right, Mumma, this is way more fun than making her head explode...
JEZEBEL
(Smoking and smirking:) Of course it is, baby... it's the Been Lez-a-bit way...
DISSOLVE TO:
BACK TO SCENE - EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM
EMPEROR
(Firmly:) I want sixty-nine legions of Sativa Warriors on Darukkus at once.
SATIVA OFFICER #1
Er, uh... Sixty-nine legions?... (He looks at the other officers with worry:) Well, not to say you don't know what-chore doin', my lord, but sixty-nine legions? Why, that's our entire reserves as well, Sir.
EMPEROR
This is to be genocide... the deliberate and systematic destruction of all life on Darukkus.
SATIVA OFFICER #1
Okay, Sir. Whatever you say, Sir. Genocide. Sure thing, Sir. We're right on it...
EMPEROR
Oh, go already! No one likes a kiss-ass!
SATIVA OFFICER #1
(Inner voice:) More like a smart-ass, dumb-ass! (Backing away:) Going now, Sir. I'm gone, outta-here. Exit stage left --- Exeunt -- Out through the in door-
EMPEROR
Just go, dammit!
SATIVA OFFICER #1
Yessir. Yessir. Yessir. Many thanks. Yessir. Praise the Emperor! Yessir...
FTB
Scene 6.28 - The Guildsmen
(We see all kinds of odd-ball ships over Darukkus. Serious stuff be goin' down...)
INT. PORSCHE'S ROOM - TREE SABRE
(PORSCHE is sleeping fitfully. Reality rips apart, revealing another scene...
WIPE TO:
CUTAWAY: GUILDSMEN TALKING AMONG THEMSELVES WHILE STROLLING DOWN A LONG HALLWAY IN THE EMPEROR'S GOLDEN RE-BAR AND CORRUGATED METAL PALACE
(A weird language. One carries that weird electric plate thing and it automatically catches and translates faintly, but isn't regarded much in the scene. The men are drinking heavily; so completely out of smoke. Totally subtitled.)
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Pruning has come to a complete halt on Topiary IV. We gotta scrape the bowl. We so ain't gettin' high off of anything today, bro...
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Oh, like I know! It so sucks to be out and fiending! I'm almost sober, man! It's that damn, red-eyed Brew-man rebel, Poop-a-doob! Man, what a serious downer! I'd so like to get my hands on him.
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
Fat chance. We so cannot see him, we do not know who he is!
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN#1
He's bad enough alone. If he were to join forces with Porshe Mercedes...
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
And if Porsche Mercedes is so like the Nick-knack-paddy-wack and so like smokes the resin of fruitful life...
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
It's a remote coincidence the two should meet -- Topiary is a huge planet.
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Coincidence is Topiary's middle name. Simoleon Spice leaves so little to chance.
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN#1
I'm so jonesin' man, if that Poop-a-doob was here, I'd so give him the what's what...
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Sure you would... Haven't you heard? He can so like, kill with a word...
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN#1
Well I got a few words for him... choice words...
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
He's not the problem -- a little spice interruption by a local thug like Poop-a-doob makes us all so like fiend for a while and seem so like edgy, and it might so double the price of spice on the market during the dry spell -- what is that but an inconvenience? What of the other problem, the real problem: Porsche Mercedes?
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN#1
What of him?
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
If he is so like the Nick-knack-paddy-wack and so like smokes the resin of fruitful life...
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
That's what I'm saying -- it could mean like, no more spice -- like forever.
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
That so won't happen...
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
He's living with the Brew-men, is the possibility so remote? We need to so make sure it never happens. Let's go to Darukkus and pay Porsche Mercedes a visit...
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
If we can find him, I get so confused when I'm sober. You think the Narc-On-Ems are holdin'?
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Hard to say -- seemingly, they're feinding as bad as we are -- er, almost as bad as we are. We'll just have to give it the college try and hope they've been holding-out.
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Man, there better be some spice all up in there or I'm going to be puttin' a hurtin' on somebody...
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
Great plan guys, but who's gonna fly us there? Knee-jerk? Cut-throat?
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Nah, we'll get Hop-head, he'll so like know what to do and he can so like keep an eye-out for Porsche Mercedes should he try to get so like all metaphysical and stuff...
OTHER GUILDSMEN
Good call...
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
We must so like ensure that Porsche Mercedes never smokes the Resin Of Fruitful Life, Hop-head can so waste him if he tries...
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
Man, are like, we even there, yet? I so feel like we've been like so walking forever...
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
I think we're like so going in circles, yo...
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Man, like these Shi-It-Kan palace hallways so all look the same -- so where's our hangar at?
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
Well, there's the Emperor's Master Hallway -- we came from there -- we're going in circles, dumbass!
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Hey, don't look at me, I'm not leading this posse!
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
You're not? I was so following you, bro... Maybe we could go back and ask for directio-
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
No frickin' way! After all our tough talk about putting ol' Sh-Boom in a pain amplifier? Hell, no! No! (Pause, he's jonesing just like the rest of them.) Okay, if we do go back in there, we gotta go back in there like all mad, and like so demand that Sh-Boom like take our butts to Darukkus like personally!
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Guildsmen hitching a ride? Oh, he's gonna so know that we're lost...
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Nah, we're not lost; we just like, forgot where we like parked, so there's like a difference...
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Not really. We like say like we've like so decided to like so personally escort him, like to ensure he like so gets the job done and all...
(All seem to be in agreement with that.)
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Now if finding this Poop-a-doob were only as easy as finding the men's room in this place.
THREE-SHEETS-TO-THE-WIND GUILDSMAN #3
Yeah, like we've walked by that one twice already! Damn airport-terminal-looking-castles...
SERIOUSLY-TANKED GUILDSMAN #1
Think like maybe Sh-Boom's got like a little stash of his own on hand?
EVENMORESO TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Yeah! (Gives it a seconfd thought.) Yeah! Like of course he does; he's like the Emperor, bro... we outta be like so demanding summa that!
(Unanimous agreement.)
FTB
Scene 6.29 - ROFL: Resin Of Fruitful Life
(There is a growing, powerful sound of a worm approaching as PORSCHE and STONI are lying together in the darkness of their sleeping chamber. PORSCHE'S eyes snap open and he sees STONI looking down at him.)
STONI
You were calling my name... it frightened me.
PORSCHE
Stoni ... the visions of my future are gone... I have to smoke the resin of fruitful life.
STONI
No! ... Porsche ... please ... I've seen men who have tried ... I've seen how they die. They never stop laughing -- they suffocate.
PORSCHE
I am dead to everyone unless I become ... unless I become what I ... may ... be. Only the resin of fruitful life can free what is inside me -- what possibly can save us all.
STONI
Porsche...
(The image of CHEETO on the balcony fades in with cool music.)
DUKE CHEETO
The creeper must be bakin'.
(It fades out to PORSCHE.)
PORSCHE
I must smoke the sacred resin. You have to help me. We must go now.
INT. PASSAGEWAY - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(PORSCHE walks alone down a dark passage. He meets the Faygo-kin at the top of a narrow incline.)
PORSCHE
Come with me. Now is the time.
(They all silently move on.)
EXT. LUMINOUS JUNGLE - NIGHT
FAYGO-KIN V.O.
The Sissy All-Gay'd will be transformed in the darkness of the jungle. Again, the legend.
(In the hollow of a huge, curved leaf, PORSCHE stops with STONI. They share a look into each other's eyes. PORSCHE turns towards the Faygo-kin and nods. They move in quickly to tie and wrap PORSCHE in Brew-men rope; kinda kinky and all. They move back and wait quietly. STONI moves in very close to PORSCHE. She holds a highpipe; the mesh screen coated in of the green resin of fruitful life.)
PORSCHE
Hurry! All I see is darkness.
STONI
PORSCHE... I will love you forever... in life or in death... let Shia-Le-Beouf judge now. (Whispering:) You are my life.
(She lights the pipe. Slow move into PORSCHE'S face as:)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) Now... the test of the resin of fruitful life... what is it that waits for me in this darkness?
INT. PORSCHE'S MIND
(Fade to black then dissolve to green, bubbling smoke. A wisp floats across the smoke - a huge low thud - then quiet.)
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Cut to PORSCHE screaming horribly in the jungle. Then, the change. He begins laughing hysterically.)
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(AH! LEAH! walks forward in the very dark room. She can't stop giggling. She forces herself to walk to JEZEBEL'S bed. She finds that JEZEBEL is laughing, too. JEZEBEL looks to her daughter, concerned. They stare at each other in the darkness.)
JEZEBEL
Ah Leah! I can't stop laughing!
AH! LEAH!
I can't stop either. Mother - help me!
JEZEBEL
(Struggling:) Ah Leah! What is it?
AH! LEAH!
It's Porsche. He's smoked the Resin Of Fruiful Life.
INT. PORSCHE'S MIND
(Cut to quiet black - dissolve again to green - another wisp - low thud - quietness - fade to black.)
EXT. EMPEROR'S SPACESHIP - SPACE
(The Emperor's space ship soars towards us.)
INT. EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - SPACE
(The Reverend Mother HELL-ON-GAIA MOHOAWK is rolling on the floor, laughing her pilate-toned ass off. The Emperor looks on in horror.)
INT. PORSCHE'S MIND
(Suddenly screaming towards us is white rings, stars and a huge Guild Navigator [Hop-head, no doubt.])
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Cut to PORSCHE'S eyes - tightly closed, crying from laughter.)
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Laughing sound. PORSCHE'S mouth opens and a giant wind is stirred in the trees.)
INT. PORSCHE'S MIND
(Navigator chewing giant cud and spewing bile and light and sounds. PORSCHE'S mouth double exposes over Navigator and cud. The sound from PORSCHE'S mouth destroys the Navigator and opens the Bedlam Path. Navigator bursts into a huge light ring and we quickly travel through ring after ring and masses of liquid stars. The light increases until it is blinding and then in the light...)
EXT. POPPY FLOWER BLOSSOMING
(A golden poppy flower blossoms and glows brilliantly - suddenly the powerful sound of an approaching worm.)
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
(STONI and the Faygo-kin freeze and watch in horror as seven giant worms converge on them. The worms lean downward from leaves above, towering over them. The worms hover and wait, resembling a large pot-leaf in their configuration.)
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(STONI looks to the Faygo-kin, then they look at PORSCHE who lies motionless. She cuts the rope bonds with her highpipe. Her fingers tremble as does the whole of the jungle. PORSCHE'S eyes snap open. He sits up slowly. STONI stares at him in awe.)
STONI
Porsche... Porsche...
EXT. FLAME ROARING
(A flame bursts within and PORSCHE sees the image of his father. PORSCHE slowly gets to his knees, then stands.)
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
PORSCHE
Father!... Father! The creeper... be bakin'!
(Giant echoes of this phrase reverberate across the vast jungle. The worms bend back onto their branches and leave with thundering power.)
MUSIC FULL
EXT. WOOD LEDGE - HALL OF RITES - TREE SABRE - NIGHT
(The Wood Ledge of Tree Sabre is filled with Faygo-kin and monks; STONI, JEZEBEL, SMARTY and VAN HAGAR stand together near the back. PORSCHE moves out on the Wood Ledge overlooking the Hall of Rites which is crowded with Brew-men warriors who chant "Poop-a-doob" along with the powerful sounds of the wind organ and Brew-man war drums. PORSCHE raises his open hand. SILENCE. Only the organ continues with a soft low note. The Brew-men wait.)
PORSCHE
Darrukus... Dank... Jungle Planet.
(A quiet, haunting moan of recognition of a master rises from the Brew-men.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Loud:) Your time has come. (Inner voice:) Father... our time has come. (Out loud again:) A storm is coming -- our storm... and when it comes it will shake The Universe. Emperor... we come for you!
(A thunderous roar arises. War drums pound. The organ blows a hurricane of power throughout the tree.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(He raises highpipe:) Long live the stoners!
VAN HAGAR
Long live the stoners!
(Brew-men carrying weapons begin moving out in long lines from the Hall as the war drums pound.)
FTB
Scene 6.30 - Poop-a-doob: Revelations
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(The wind is howling and it is raining buckets. Dark storm clouds cover the area.)
EXT. BRANCH OUTCROPPING - DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(A knot-hole door opens and hundreds and thousands of Brew-men pour out.)
EXT. SHIELD WALL - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(PORSCHE, VAN HAGAR and SMARTY watch the Emperor's enormous ship on the Darukkeen landing field. They observe from a hidden location, atop an ivy branch that stretches across the Great Cliff Wall.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Thousands of Brew-men are running, planting humpers as they go.)
INT. COMMUNICATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN - DAY
PORSCHE
Smarty, when the storm hits... nuke 'em; and nuke 'em good. I want an opening through the entire Shield Wall. Van Hagar? Do we have wormsign?
(VAN HAGAR and SMARTY laugh.)
VAN HAGAR
Coozy... U-betcha. We have wormsign, the likes of which even Bog has never seen.
(PORSCHE smiles.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Looking across over the great jungle it looks like a living sea of wormsign. Across the massive leaves, a great rustling occurs and worms are surfacing.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Thousands of Brew-men are running, positioning themselves to mount and ride.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(Storm clouds grow darker and the speed of the wind increases.)
EXT. NARC-ON-EM SHIPS - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Suddenly above come hundreds of odd-ball space ships zooming down across the jungle expanse and towards the landing field.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(The storm is howling now.)
INT. STEEL TENT - EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - DAY
EMPEROR
Bring in that floating fat man... the Baron.
(The BARON is brought in. Distant warning signals begin. The BARON is fighting to contain his fear because RUB-ON'S HEAD SITS ALL BLOODY ON THE FLOOR in front of him. Finally, the EMPEROR speaks.)
EMPEROR
Why have you brought me here?
BARON
Your Highness... There must be some mistake... I never requested your presence.
EMPEROR
Ah? But your lack of action demanded it. Your dreadful mismanagement, your bad judgement in assigning to Rub-On -- (He gestures toward the head) -- the governorship.... You forced me to come here and set things straight... personally.
A VOICE
Bring in the messenger.
(AH! LEAH! is brought in by the Sativa soldiers. She is smiling.)
AH! LEAH!
I am the messenger from Poop-a-doob, U-betcha. Poor Emperor, I'm afraid my brother won't be very pleased with you, doncha'-know.
EMPEROR
Say wha! Yo! Short-stack! Step back! Ise the Emporer! I don't need yours, or anybody else's approval all up in here now. Them seers all say it's all in the stars. Ain't that right, gypsy-chick?
(Suddenly, REVEREND MOTHER looks horrified and grabs her throat.)
REVEREND MOTHER
(Struggling, speaking:) Kill this child! She's- she's an abomination! Kill her. Kill her now! (Points to AH LEAH!, who is smiling at her, employing a recently-learned tactic:) Get out of my mind! Oh! Oh-ho! (Pleasure abounds:) Get out of there, too! Oh-woo!
AH! LEAH!
Not until you tell them both who I really am.
REVEREND MOTHER
(Strained speech, between orgasmic pants:) She's... she's Ah! Ah! Ah! Leah! She's... oh! She's the sister of Porsche... Porsche... Poop-a-doob.. Ah! Poop-a-doob, Mercedes. Ahhhhhh!
(The REVEREND MOTHER slumps in afterglow. The BARON'S mouth flies open. The EMPEROR'S face goes pale, his lips tremble.)
EMPEROR
Porsche's sister... Porsche Mercedes is Poop-a-doob?!
(He turns quickly and looks at the three, drunken, free-loading Guild agents present in the room. They stare at him with heavy-lidded eyes as they toke from an Imperial hookah. AH! LEAH! is all smiles. The agents happily, dumbly drool and continue toking.)
INT. COMMUNICATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(PORSCHE smiles.)
PORSCHE
(Laughs. To SMARTY and VAN HAGAR:) Ah! Leah! keeps pace with the storm.
(SMARTY and VAN HAGAR don't understand. Suddenly enormous storm clouds burst overhead and lightning sweeps across the Shield Wall.)
PORSCHE
Smarty, now!
(SMARTY gives a hand signal and...)
SMARTY
(They put on their hoods:) Atomics!
EXT. SHIELD WALL - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(...Seventeen explosions of hydroponic bomb intensity go off in a row, cutting a huge gorge through the width of the massive Shield Wall. As the explosions go off, a wind howls. Rain pelts the palace and the Emperor's ship.)
INT. STEEL TENT - EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - DAY
(AH! LEAH! smiles as they hear the tremendous roaring, hydroponic screams of the explosions. The Emperor's ship's warning signals are now close and loud.)
AH! LEAH!
Uff-da! My brother is coming, Emporer... with many Brew-men warriors, doncha'-know.
(A Sativa warrior rushes in.)
SATIVA OFFICER #2
The Shield Wall is gone.
EMPEROR
Impossible!
AH! LEAH!
Not impossible, dumbass... I told you already... He is here now, U-betcha!
SATIVA OFFICER #2
Majesty, into the ship!
EMPEROR
(Rising:) Release the Sativa Warriors. Baron... give this little abomination to the storm. If we make it out of here, I might get you that lav-leather suit you've been eyeing...
BARON
With pleasure, my lord. Yet, Emperor -- the Kix order line said they were all out of stock...
EMPEROR
I got connections, yo. Ditch the little witch and you'll be floating in style by morning. Peace, I'm out.
(They all leave the room, including the Sativa warriors.)
INT. STEEL TENT - EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - DAY
BARON
I'll get her, Majesty! Come here, you little grunion, I'll make a meal out of ya!
AH! LEAH!
(Using the Tongue:) Uff-da! C'mere, mister. I'm out here all alone, mister, U-betcha. Can you help me find my mommy, mister? I don't know where she is, doncha'-know...
(The BARON floats down to her. AH! LEAH! turns to him -- still smiling. With a flash of her hand she reaches out and swipes at the BARON'S face. He cries out in pain. She pulls his suspensor plugs and pushes him back, then slowly shows him the tiny needle she holds in her hand. He spins crazily as he screams from the poison.)
AH! LEAH!
Uff-da! For such a fat man... What a lightweight, doncha'-know...
EXT. SHIELD WALL - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(Worms, each with hundreds of Brew-men on them, come crawling through the newly-formed canyon in the Shield Wall.)
EXT. WORMS - SHIELD WALL - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(PORSCHE rides the lead worm with SMARTY and VAN HAGAR by his side. The storm is howling and blowing with horrifying intensity.)
INT. EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - CONTROL ROOM - DAY
(The Emperor and his Sativa officers in a darkened room where they are horrified to see on the screens the hundreds of multi-colored glow-worms which are crawling across the Darukkeen valley. All their faces show fear.)
BACK TO SCENE
INT. EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - GREEN THRONE ROOM - DAY
(Suddenly the wall behind AH! LEAH! and the spinning BARON is completely blown away by a blast. The BARON floats and spins out into the storm.)
EXT. DARUKKEEN - DAY
(As the worms enter the Darukkeen basin, they meet the Sativa warriors. The Sativa don't have a chance -- the worms chew them up and with flame-thrower-like sprays from their high-pipe hairs, they torch the Sativa warriors by the hundreds. The Brew-men on the worm's backs fire word-weapons, killing the few Sativa the worms leave behind.)
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARRUKKEEN - DAY
(The space ships which were recently airborne are now crashing because of the storm.)
NEW SCENE
(The BARON floats and spins high in the dust clouds of the storm over the Darukkeen Valley.)
NEW SCENE
(The worm, that PORSCHE, SMARTY and VAN HAGAR are riding, suddenly rears up. Its mouth opens. The BARON appears as a tiny spinning shape. He flies directly into the mouth of this collosal worm and is devoured. The worm belches; the men smile at one another. George Lucas did it, so it must be okay, right? Right? Well, anyway, that's as cheesy as I dare.)
EXT. STEEL TENT - LANDING FIELD - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(A thousand Brew-men battle Sativa warriors outside the Emperor's tent. The Brew-men soon overpower them with words and rush into the giant steel structure.)
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(The entire airfield is now filled with wild worms, Brew-men, and dead-or-dying Sativa warriors.)
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(AH! LEAH! moves dreamily among the dying Sativa.)
INT. GREAT HALL - DARAKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(PORSCHE enters the Palace hall and the first thing he sees is the giant mouse's head. The ears have been chewed off and the Mercedes banner has been stuffed and wired into the mouth.)
(A wind moans through the palace. PORSCHE turns. SMARTY and several guards bring in the EMPORER, INDICA, the REVEREND MOTHER, Sativa generals, Guildsmen, Frayed and SURFER. The Faygo-kin and Brew-men troops line the walls. PORSCHE'S eyes meet FRAYED'S -- FRAYED gives him an evil smile. PORSCHE turns and looks at the EMPORER, who stares back defiantly. PORSCHE moves his gaze to INDICA, who lowers her eyes. He then sees his old teacher, SURFER HAZMAT, whose tired eyes wander helplessly.)
PORSCHE
Smarty... I see Surfer Hazmat among the captives. Let him stand free.
SMARTY
My Lord, they've messed with his head and who knows what else...
PORSCHE
Let him stand free!
(The EMPORER turns nervously to FRAYED, who passes a golden dagger to SURFER.)
FRAYED
(To Surfer:) You remember, you little weasel... the antidote...
SMARTY
(Gestures to Surfer:) Surfer. Come.
(SURFER approaches PORSCHE, concealing the knife. They come face to face. The EMPORER seems strangely tense at this moment. PORSCHE notices this. He looks SURFER over.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) They've done something to him, they've got leverage... what is it that he is hiding so well? The first step in defeating a trap is knowing of its existence. The Emporer's eyes do not lie. He knows something. Oh, Surfer, did they offer you life for my death? Surely, you may have it...
ZOOM IN
ECU: SURFER'S RIGHT HAND
(He examines SURFER more closely, all C-S-I-style.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) A knife.... (Out loud:) In payment of the many years of service to my family, Surfer, you may ask of me anything you wish. Anything at all. (Quietly, sotto:) Do you need my life, old friend?
(He turns his back on him.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Quiet:) It is yours.
(SURFER'S eyes grow sad and wide.)
PORSCHE
(Glances back:) I mean this, Surfer. Now or never. Do it or get-off-the-pot. If you are to strike, do it now.
(SURFERS hand rises, as JEZEBEL gasps, but the old Mental pulls his butt plug out with a quick, tearing motion. PORSCHE turns and catches him as he sags. His head lolls back and he looks up to PORSCHE urgently.)
SURFER (Cont'd)
Three... generations... of you...
(His breath escapes him and he is dead.)
PORSCHE
(To the guards:) Carry this noble Mercedes warrior away. Do him all honor. (Motioning to something horrid on the floor:) And get rid of that thing...
(The guards do as they are instructed. Repulsed or not, they know better than to do otherwise.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
Emperor Sh-Boom the IV... there are Guild Highliners above us containing many Great Houses of the Rad Lands.... SEND THEM BACK!
EMPEROR
How dare you speak to me...
GUILDSMAN #2
(Speaking into electric microphone:) Zip it! Stop speaking! Like so shut-up already, old man!
PORSCHE
(To the Guildsmen:) Good. You fiendin' heavyweights have some idea of what I would do but I will tell it to one who has never been seen... one who hides deep in the Highliner control rooms. He will hear it first.
GUILDSMEN #3
(Fear:) No! Not Hop-head! He so like retires next month, bro! And like, he's going through a messy divorce...
(The Guildsman looks at the electronic device as if something got lost in translation... PORSCHE smiles as we move closer and closer to him.)
INT. CONTROL ROOM - HIGHLINER - SPACE
(Suddenly, we are in the Highliner control room, near the floor in the chemical spills. We move up into the green gas. Thundering begins to shake the Heighliner.
PORSCHE V.O.
Scooby, Scooby-Doo...Where are you.... Let me see you or there will be no spice. No more smokee-smokee... Come on out, don't be shy... here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
(We move into very thick gas and there is a roaring sound. Suddenly PORSCHE sees the Boston Third Stage Navigator.)
PORSCHE V.O. (Cont'd)
You know what I'm about to say is true.... I have the power to destroy the spice forever. No sequel, no television miniseries, no royalty shares on the merchandise sales...
(The Guild Navigator's mouth stretches back in a horrible moan. The moan becomes more pained and grows louder and louder.)
HOP-HEAD
Go Bruins!
INT. GREAT HALL - DARAKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(The Guildsmen in the room are MOANING and SCREAMING and swarming out towards the doorway -- the Brew-men stop them, ushering them back inside. The Emperor and all are amazed and frightened. There is a long hush. The old REVEREND MOTHER then turns and glares at PORSCHE.)
REVEREND MOTHER
(Using The Tongue:) You...
PORSCHE
Cool it! (The REVEREND MOTHER is momentarily speechless-) Don't try your powers on me, cougar-mama-witch-lady. Try looking into that place where you dare not look. You'll find me there staring back at you! I have smoked from the blunt that you dare not spark! You Been Lez-a-bit witches have waited sixty-nine generations to produce the one person your schemes required. Here I stand. But... I will never be yours.
REVEREND MOTHER
Stop him, Jezebel!
JEZEBEL
Ah, stop him yourself...
PORSCHE
You saw a part of what the race needs in the beginning. In time you ladies perverted the truth. You sought to control human breeding and intermix a select few according to a selfish master plan, or should I say a mistress plan? (Shakes head.) How little you understand.
REVEREND MOTHER
You mustn't speak of...
PORSCHE
(Using The Tongue:) SILENCE!
(The older-and-bolder woman is shot backwards by the power of his shout. Her breath is knocked out of her.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
I remember your bong ajar, now you remember mine. I can stone with a word.
(A Faygo-kin steps forward and recites from the prophecy.)
FAYGO-KIN #1
Now everybody's heard about the bird: bird bird bird, bird is the word, bird bird bird, bird is the word...
FAYGO-KIN #2
Righteous!
(FRAYED hears this and is angered.)
FRAYED
Righteous!?!
PORSCHE
(To Emperor:) There is a smelly, loud-mouthed, carrot-topped Narc-On-Em among you. Give the rascal a blade and let him stand forth.
EMPEROR
If Frayed wishes, he can meet you with my blade in his hand.
FRAYED
I wish it.
(FRAYED steps forward.)
SMARTY
This is a Narc-On-Em animal. Let me, please, my Lord.
PORSCHE
The Emperor's blade.
(FRAYED takes up the Emperor's blade with a smile. PORSCHE takes out his highpipe. They begin to circle each other. PORSCHE smiles, circling still. Suddenly, FRAYED leaps, his blade jabbing savagely outward, but PORCHE easily evades it, moving away. They begin to circle again. He makes another pass at PORSCHE -- not that kind of pass -- a swipe that comes dangerously close, but again, PORSCHE is away, a frozen smile on his face.)
FRAYED
Why prolong the inevitable? I will kill you! I will kill him!
(FRAYED smiles. He lashes out biting PORSCHE'S hand. FRAYED laughs in triumph. FRAYED leaps forward jabbing, his right hip also forward. Yet PORSCHE, although a little slowly, again reels away. Again, FRAYED thrusts. This time, PORSCHE jabs with his highpipe, but FRAYED moves away effortlessly. FRAYED counters and kicks PORSCHE to the ground.)
STONI
Porsche!
(PORSCHE is up instantly and he circles with FRAYED.)
FRAYED
(Smiling:) Who is the little one? A pet, perhaps? Will she deserve my special attentions?
PORSCHE
(Circling until we're fully dizzy:) Little one? The only little one I see is -- well, I guess one little one deserves another, but it ain't gonna happen, bro. You just ain't got the equipment. So like, Frayed, you know it's an illusion, right? You know that peanut shell and baby carrot you're packin' is just as small as all the other Narc-On-Em genitalia, right? It so runs in your family, so, really, face it already. I mean, you couldn't give Stoni special attentions even if you had a thimble for a strap-on, yo. Just because your pea-pod is drapin' from a bean pole doesn't mean that it's any bigger than Rub-On's (--almost kicks head, steps over it. To SMARTY:) Look, bro, his head is even fat! (Narrowly dodges a swipe from FRAYED as he momentarily turned toward SMARTY. Back to FRAYED:) Anyway, cousin, your uncle's navy bean that's tacked to his floating pumpkin ass is really no smaller than yours. It's simply an optical illusion, cuz. Sorry, but logic and the metric system prevail. Measure twice, cut once...
FRAYED
(Stops circling, getting dizzy:) Enough! Bring it on!
(PORSCHE jabs out, his highpipe slashing. FRAYED grabs his arm, and PORSCHE his, the two men locked in a straining clinch. FRAYED presses his right hip closer and closer to PORSCHE'S body.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) He keeps favoring that side. It's not a poor fighting habit; it is practiced -- wait! Yes! A bong ajar needle, tucked in his side, hidden. One nick from that and I'm a goner. I must be careful.
(PORSCHE strains to keep the needle away. Suddenly, the bong ajar flips out of FRAYED'S girdle, and he lunges powerfully with it at PORSCHE, who just barely misses taking it in his skin. He throws FRAYED back, but not before FRAYED'S feet strike out, sending PORSCHE to the floor. FRAYED leaps onto him.)
FRAYED
(Whispering:) You see... your death... I will finish you.
(Suddenly, PORSCHE, with lightning swiftness, pushes FRAYED up and over. He is on top of him in a flash. PORSCHE'S highpipe flashes-up, thrusting upward through FRAYED'S jaw. FRAYED'S mouth opens as the pipe continues up, through his tongue and through, into his brain. FRAYED'S eyes go wild, then glaze over as he jerks dead on the floor. PORSCHE slowly gets to his feet, breathing heavily. Anger still seething in him, PORSCHE issues a sound -- a loud, horrible, powerful sound, and FRAYED'S internal organs rupture and the wooden floor under him cracks open. The Faygo-kin smile.)
FAYGO-KIN #2
Coozy no longer needs the weirdo module.
(Everyone stares in disbelief. PORSCHE looks to the Emperor. He blazes a seriously blinging rasta-resin-coated-mega-diplomatic blunt of Presidential preportions -- He offers it to SH-BOOM.)
PORSCHE
Pops. Can I call you Pops? Let's spark this and share a cold one, shall we? Lemme tell ya how it is out here in the sticks... how it's gonna be. Now you got one fine-ass daughter, Sh-Boom. Can I call you Boom-Boom? I mean, that Indica, whew! She's smokin' hot. I've seen lots of pics of her in the tabloids when she went to re-hab on Raygunn-Boosh or whatever and I've always thought she could be a supermodel and she so hot in every one of them and well, Pops, you gonna hit that?
EMPEROR
Where is this leading?
PORSCHE
What? Hit that bro, so it can be heading my way; that's some primo stuff -- ain't that right guys?
(He looks over to the Guildsmen, whose respective drool waterfalls reach the floor in unison to one, collective puddle. The Emperor hits the crystal-trichome-covered delicacy lightly and passes it back, sternly.)
EMPEROR
(Raises an eyebrow:) What's your point, young man?
PORSCHE
The point is I wanna shack-up with your daughter but I want to do it all legit and all. Like by gettin' hitched to Indica official-like so I can officially sit on the throne an' all.
EMPEROR
I sit on the throne!
PORSCHE
You will sit on a throne on Shayol, your porta-pottie planet.
EMPEROR
Shayol!?! That's a rest home!
PORSCHE
Consider it an early retirement, Pops. We'll get you out every now and then so you can see our kids... Stoni's kids too! Like one big family! (Takes it from his frozen hand and hits it, puts it back in the EMPORER'S hand. Like looking at a perfect marble sculpture. Sotto:) Stoni!? See that ass? Fine, Pops! So fine! She's like so totally into the Been-lez-a-bit scene and totally likes the idea as much as I do and we smoke the best and well- (Stands up, more respectful.) Mull it over... Daddy-o. See it now: Shayol's Sunny Acres. There's shuffleboard and a whole lot of fine-ass, rich widows there, too... (The Emperor now is seriously chonging, as if facing castration or the Guillotine. PORSCHE puts a loving arm around him.) Pops, Pops, easy, easy, IT'S A NO-BRAINER; It's either being a nice grampa at Sunny Acres or you're gonna be a prison patsy on a penetentiary planet, yo.
(The Emperor is still and bogarts, resigned that perhaps his time has truly come -- [grampa?]. PORSCHE moves to STONI.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(To STONI:) The Princess and I get a pre-nup and she get's one-third of CHONG shares, and you're my... personal secretary. Is that the way you want it, babe?
STONI
Perfect.
JEZEBEL
We who carry the name of concubine... history will call us wives.
(AH! LEAH! enters with two monks. She signals and one of them places a cloak over PORSCHE'S shoulders.)
PORSCHE
The Brew-men have the word of Poop-a-doob. They will have their Holy War to cleanse The Universe... they will have Darukkus... Dank... their planet. There will be glowing flame here, open to the sky and the rich green veldts. For the spice, there will always be some darkness. There will be fierce winds and trials to toughen men. We Brew-men have a saying... (He stares at the REVEREND MOTHER.) "Bog created Darukkus to stone the faithful." One cannot go against the word of Bog.
(Everyone in the room stares at him soundlessly. The sky opens outside. The storm is over. Sunshine pours in. The outer wall plasma torches, formerly only glowing rods, become flaming swords. Open flame. On Darukkus. On Dank.)
AH! LEAH!
And how can this be?
(There are three powerful drum hits.)
AH! LEAH! (Cont'd)
For... he is the Nick-Knack-Paddy-Wack!
EXT. DARUKKEEN PALACE - DUSK
(The Brew-men stand awestruck as they see open flame from the plasma torches across the outer wall.)
INT. GREAT HALL - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(We move through PORSCHE'S glowing red eyes into beautiful pink luminescent light.
A gigantic wind arises, and suddenly appearing in the pink light is an ocean of white light rolling like platinum glass off into infinity. The red becomes darker and a silver poppy flower blooms in the night.)
FTB
RUN END CREDITS CHAPTER SIX