Scene 4.14 - Verne's Kitchen
EXT./INT. The Baron's Mansion - Night.
(Two lackeys are dumping cans of trash into a trash bin near the back kitchen door. We slowly zoom in until the end of VERNE'S log report, when the last of the trash is dumped, the lid is closed and the clones have gone back inside.)
VERNE V.O.
Captain's Personal Log, I-D key, Bova One. We've somehow gone back in time near Nazi Germany where some Poindexter-version of me has been stroking the ego of a merciless tyrant of this age in exchange for the resources to create a full-scale quantum generator. My only hope is to assimilate this rogue phantasm before he creates a paradox and sends us back into the Phantom World, a place that I don't think even the Guardian Of Infinity can help us escape twice. What he's up to is unknown, and I was heading to a local haunt, known as the Palladium, to find out, but with my newly-aquired Red-Eye warrior skills, the power of the buzz has instead led me here, to infiltrate his mansion and finally get to the bottom of what's keeping me from being complete and keeping me from spending time with my most-favorite of all ladies in the Verne Cosmos: My lady Mary Jane. This maddening and continual aimless digression from my beloved herb frustrates me to no end: It's been an hour since I blazed one up; and that's an hour too long! I'm jones'n and I've got the munchies, so I figure I had better start by commandeering his pantry.
(The lid of the bin opens and a zoot-suit-clad VERNE tries to get out, holding a tommy gun, and is covered with assorted garbage, to include banana peels. He falls from the side of the trash bin. He gets up quickly, playing it off, then slips on a banana peel that fell from him and fires his tommy gun accidentally, strafing the side of the bin. Silence. No one investigates. We hear crickets and a lone dog barking in the distance, but nothing else. VERNE looks around, plays it off, looks about, smirks while realizing that no one saw it, and steps confidently inside toward the kitchen.)
CUT TO: Main kitchen area
(CHEF and lackeys look like those from Hell's Kitchen.)
CHEF
Get those vegetables off my stove! They're supposed to be soft, not soup!
LACKEY 1
Right away, chef!
CHEF
And who said to glaze this ham with honey?
LACKEY 4
We were out of orange marmalade, chef, and the molasses is missing, too.
CHEF
No! No! No! The Baron likes his pork sweet-and sour, not sweet-and-sweet!
LACKEY 2
Unglazing it now, chef.
CHEF
Slap barbecue sauce on it, if we're lucky, just maybe he won't notice. And you! You are sweating into the soup! Don't just stand there! Go sweat somewhere else!
LACKEY 3
I'm trying, chef.
CHEF
Trying's not good enough! The Baron demands perfection! Get him out of here!
LACKEY 4
(Going from cutting onions to LACKEY 3's position, stirring soup:) I'm on it, chef!
LACKEY 3
(Turning in his apron, deflated:) What am I supposed to do now?
CHEF
Go help Maximillian with the pots and pans! We still need a baking dish for the ham!
CU: The Wall Of Shame
(CHEF takes LACKEY 3'S apron and hangs it on a hook, poking it all through under the "Tea-Bag" sign. The hooks read: Maximillian, Nadgel, Barclay, Tea-Bag and Rufflebum.)
SOUND: Whump!
CUT TO: Back room; dishwashing area
LACKEY 3
Hey Max, I'm supposed to help with the- Max? Max are you in here? Hey, hey you!
VERNE
You talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me?
LACKEY 3
Who let you in here? Nobody's supposed to be back here except-
(VERNE steps from the shadows and assimilates LACKEY 3.)
VERNE V.O.
Am I always that talkative?
CUT TO:
CHEF
Wash those hands! I just saw you touch raw chicken! No! Use the hey! Who are you?
VERNE
I'm your worst nightmare, Bubba. Health inspector; I'm shutting your operation down.
CHEF
You can't come in here! Baron's orders, you all have to wait until the party's over!
VERNE
(Tips his fedora with the gun's barrel:) Nyah, well, I'm not just here to eat, see?
CHEF
Well, if you are a health inspector, where's your badge?
VERNE
(Patting her slowly:) Right here, I call her Katey.
(VERNE fires upward; pause; plaster rains down on him; didn't he see that one coming?)
CHEF
Maximillian! Get this choad out of my kitchen!
VERNE
Maximillian won't come. He's in here now. Bright chap, ol' Max. Even as a dishwasher, he knew about The Baron's secret project. Mind telling me what it is?
CHEF
I can't place you, although you look familiar. Were you on The Baron's honor-guard?
VERNE
You're gonna tell me what I wanna know, see? Max let me in on something before I took him out, see? So what's this lab all about, eh? Where's this secret wine cellar at?
(CHEF picks up a big cleaver and hacks asparagus, then carrots, then an artichoke!)
CHEF
(Pointing:) You know better than that; don't end your questions with a preposition.
VERNE
(He points the gun at CHEF, pulls the trigger several times; the gun is jammed. He chucks it aside in frustration.) Okay, where's the secret wine cellar at... Jerk-off!
CHEF
All of you, get this guy out of my kitchen, or I'll have you all waiting tables!
(The lackeys move like there they’re on fire. Cleavers, pans and other kitchen weapons in-hand, the three remaining lackeys encircle VERNE. VERNE'S perfectly-timed fighting skills expertly prevail and he assimilates each of them as they fall to the ground.)
VERNE
Is that the best you got? (CHEF tries to run.) Oh, no you don't! I got the Red-Eye power of the buzz, see? (Red, spikey, pulsating aura:) And if you don't wanna this assimilation to get on the wrong side of painful, you'll tell me what I wanna know!
CHEF
(A la Sgt. Shultz:) Nuhssing! I know nuhssing! I'm just ze lackey for ze Baron! He tells me nein! I know nuhssing about ze secret project inze secret room inze cellar!
(VERNE briefly picks up Katey and fiddles with her, trying to un-jam her, to no avail.)
VERNE
Oh, laying on the accent all thick, now? No comprende? You're English was pretty good a moment ago. Maybe a few bullets from my little Katey might jog your memory.
CHEF
(Pulls hand from mouth, looks blankly, innocent. [Reference: Die Hard]) I can't tell you what I don't know! I don't know anything. You're just gonna have to kill me.
VERNE
Very well.
(VERNE gets a red aura and assimilates CHEF. He gives up trying to un-jam the gun.)
VERNE (Cont’d)
Sure, I'll do it the hard way. Haggle-man will find the secret lab all by himself, see?
(VERNE thinks to himself while turning off the stoves and snacking on cut veggies.)
VERNE V.O.
Swell. Whatdya know? The little bugger was telling the truth. He didn't know about The Baron's secret project. Guess ol' Max was raiding the wine cellar on his own. Now if I can just remember where it's located. Sixty-nine rooms in this house, you'd think he'd have a directory. One thing's for sure, the wine cellar ain't upstairs.
SOFT WIPE TO: