Scene 8.04 - A Square Peg Through A Round Hole
INT. Maroon Room
(VERNE and CLARKE 1, floating, dolled-up and propelled-with environmental lav-suits and towing a large cargo-pack, both light the empty space before them, the small doorway in the dimensions of THE GUARDIAN shows a visage of a hotel hallway as they drift-away into the maroon darkness, only led by their beacon of a plasma torch [carried by CLARKE 1] and an industrial-grade camper's flashlight [held by VERNE]. They are weightless and seem to be independently-drifting toward a large maroon doorway, a dark, starfish-ish-shaped, organic iris: Lit brightly from behind, giving its edges luminescence, revealing the true nature and opaquely-speckled and veined innards of the beast. It looks like a breathing, Starfighter lily on radioactive crack.)
CLARKE 1
Captain, we seem to be approaching another portal; there's a force in play here, propelling us. That massive portal must measure many miles across its diameter. It must still be small, though, in scale to what is behind it...
VERNE
It is. It's the aux-vent leading to the Maroon Nexus. Satan's Sphincter. It's cool; this is my time-closet. I'm puzzled, though.
CLARKE 1
What is puzzling you, Captain?
VERNE
I could-a swore I left a spaceship parked in here...
CLARKE 1
The Roanoke?
VERNE
The same. Well, a pretty-good clone of it, anyway.
CLARKE 1
Who, or what could have moved it?
VERNE
At the rate that we're drifting toward the venting portal, I think we're about to find out.
(JYNX enters, lying on a pool-lounge chair, tanning with one of those neck-mirror things, and drinking a Harvey Wallbanger while encapsulated within a small, relaxing sphere.)
JYNX
Greetings, I am, for lack of a better name... Jynx. I offer refuge from what lies beyond. (Offers hookah-stem.) Sanity, if you will.
VERNE
Where did you come from, Little Man, and what the hell have you done with my ship?
JYNX
I don't have your ship, J-Boy. Wanna drink of some Trawn-yah? It's pretty damn good...
VERNE
How- how do you know that? How do you know what my pappy's nickname for me was?
CLARKE 1
Yes: And how are you able to hear us and also able to be heard by us? You, sir, defy all laws of physics. Space is vacuous...
JYNX
I'll answer all your questions, Cellie, but you'll have to ditch charging this windmill and come back with me. (Pause.) Now or never gentlemen, I'm not going out there and I don't roll-out red carpets and I'm only making enough time to offer this once. Toke? It's K-B...
VERNE
I'll take K-B any day over a red carpet... Let's say we do go back with you -- back to where?
JYNX
Where, when, not important. It's the point at which you lose your mind, Julian. I could use your input. You're moving faster, slow down -- what is it? Yes or no or what, guys?
CLARKE 1
How do we board your- craft?
POV: JYNX
OMNIPOTENCE
OMNIPRESENCE
OMNISCIENCE
ONENESS
EXHILARATION
CONTENTMENT
REALIZATION
MOMENTARY BLISS
ACTUALIZATION
CHANGE
(The portal begins to open like a lily blossoming.)
JYNX
Just touch the bubble and- aw, now you're moving away way too fast and you're going through yer dern sphincter thang anyway... Hell's bells... Can't say I didn't try, though. Crimony- Good Luck, guys, maybe our paths will cross again. Doubt it, but maybe, maybe.
VERNE
Where are we going?
JYNX
You said you wanted to see your ship, didn't you? Believe me, once in there -- you can't miss it! (Belches.) Farewell, Ace! Peace out, Brainy, I'll try to check up on ya'll laterz.
MS: Satan's Sphincter
(JYNX blinks out before being caught by the influence of the adjacent soul in the nearby chamber. The lily fully blossoms.)
CLARKE 1
Captain, this is a very strange place.
VERNE
You can say that again.
CLARKE 1
Captain, this is a-
MUSIC UP
(They cross the threshold. The portal reveals a moon-sized cave, lit in bright, cotton-candy pink and mauve. It is a circus. Literally. A carny of vast proportions and a spiderweb-network of thousands of derelict spaceships; in its center, plain to see, is The U.S.S.S. Roanoke. There's a Midway, a Speedway, spaceship amusement rides, spaceship ticket booths and gift shops, and appearing as a massive spider, the Ghost Ship Roanoke.)
VERNE
I never thought I'd say it. There's a first for everything. (Beat.) Clarke, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
CLARKE 1
Certainly not. I detect an atmosphere, Captain, perhaps breathable.
VERNE
Keep your helmet on, Clarke, it could be a trick, or toxic, and we don't know if-
(VERNE notices CLARKE 1 immediately chucked the head-gear the second it registered a breathable atmosphere outside.)
CLARKE 1
Fresh air! Smells like popcorn, candy apples and... Animal dung... eww...
VERNE
(Following suit.) Elephant dung. We must be flying near some elephants.
CLARKE 1
Affirmative.
Sound: African and Indian Elephants in Cages; Happy, playing with water.
(They immediately notice one ship tethered in the cable-and-iron web is, in fact, housing a hoarde of elephants. Pink elephants.)
VERNE
The Roanoke is at the center of it all, and we gotta-
WELLS 1
(Over loudspeaker as spotlights from everywhere center on VERNE and CLARKE 1.) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome our newest guests, Dr. Julie Sickle, A-K-A Zero, and his cohort, Commander Clarke One from The Phantom World.
VERNE
Doc! Doc One! I know you can hear me! Where are you?
WELLS 1
Isn't it obvious, Julie?
(The Roanoke lights up. It's darkly dressed to look like a House of Horrors.)
VERNE
I'm coming in. We gotta talk. There's more to this than you know...
WELLS 1
Admission costs a ticket a-piece, Julie. Can't even give you any freebies, my mind's at stake here...
(The ticket-booth ship lights up, aiming its lasers at the pair.)
CLARKE 1
Captain, that's the Star Cruiser Orion, it was a fleet champion... It was lost in space shortly before your return from DS-99-66-99.
VERNE
(Another patient eternity.) I don't like hearing that number, Clarke One.
CLARKE 1
(Ponders.) Noted, Captain.
VERNE
Doc One! Doc! Come on, Doc, we brought beer! Let's dive into this keg and talk! What's going on?
WELLS 1
You can both earn a ticket a-piece if you win in the arena. (Pause.) The nexus...
VERNE
King of Crap Mountain? No, no, no, we're not into this for that.
WELLS 1
It will mean a lot to me. I need a ship.
VERNE
You got alotta ships! Namely, mine!
WELLS 1
I need one that uses Ellisonium. There's a precious few of those left -- one is intact; inside the arena.
VERNE
I've heard plenty of what's out there Doc, and if I didn't go there before, I ain't going there now. Listen to me, we gotta-
(A really wack-yet-sleek-looking craft resembling the Archimedes descends toward them.)
WELLS 1
Take this ship. It's the closest I have on hand to the technology that you and Clarke One already know.
VERNE
Technology that we already... Doc, Doc One: Listen... I'm just here for Doc, my Doc, and the Guardian's niece. You got her?
WELLS 1
Yes, and she won't stop talking. Pay my admission price and we can all leave safely, together, you have my word.
CLARKE 1
Captain, I must point out that the good doctor is obviously quarantined here and unable to enter adjoining chambers due to falling victim to Kubrick's Conundrum, and the word of a madman is insubstantial to-
WELLS 1
I can hear everything you're saying, Clarke One, and I may be crazy, but there's more to this than you could possibly know, so can it.
VERNE
All right, Doc One. We'll go on this fool's errand for you, but I want to hear from Doc first. My Doc. Put him on the speakers.
WELLS 1
I'm afraid that's impossible, Julie.
VERNE
Why? What have you done with him? Isn't he there with you?
WELLS 1
Yes, he's here all right, but there's others here, too. We're unfortunately telepathic here, and I've got them all distracted elsewhere.
VERNE
That figgers. (On board, buckling up, blazing up.) I'd really like to see you face-to-face, Doc, you're being irrational.
WELLS 1
Bring me back a ship with a quantum-generator that runs on Ellisonium and you'll think I'm the sanest man alive.
(Another portal, more rounded, opens across the vast chamber. Nebulous, swirling, maroon black-light pours inward. It appears as if the sprinkling of debris inward to the chamber is at a lava-lamp-slow rate of progression; considering the portal's vastness.)
VERNE
(Getting seated in the "driver's chair" of the craft.) What the hell is out there, Doc?
(CLARKE 1, impatient for VERNE to pass, has blazed a blunt of his own, which immediately causes VERNE to pass his pinner toward CLARKE 1, as if an immediate "trade" were in order.)
WELLS 1
It's called The Demolition Derby, a free-for-all, no rules. This place is its Ship Graveyard, where some of the better losers are brought to be honored with light. Maybe you might live long enough to know more than these fellas did. Maybe you'll get it right.
(A collection of wrecked derelicts illuminate.)
WELLS 1 (Cont'd)
Set for a grey room equation and-
VERNE
Grey room? In here? Are you mad?
WELLS 1
Either way, you seem to think I am. Grey room. Try it. Good Luck.
VERNE
Hey Doc, while I got you on the horn, you know anything about that little guy on the other side of this pocket dimension?
WELLS 1
Little guy?
VERNE
Yeah, over yonder in my closet, where I left the Roanoke parked. You know who I'm talking about? Little man, big ears, funny lookin' -- The Boy In The Plastic Bubble.
WELLS 1
No, I don't know of him, but he sounds like someone I could use for my freak show. (Yet another ship illuminates. Rim-shot.) Good Luck, Julie! Watch your backside, Clarke One! Them Warlords of the Personarena ain't always so logical about things!
(The sleek spaceship careens through a narrow portal into an adjacent pocket dimension into a deeper maroon color of space. There are millions of varied spaceships within a relatively-cramped cylinder of nebulous nothingness; hardly a parsec's worth. Many are dead ships, many are active with armament, firing at other ships about. It is a chaotic, yet superficial battlefield containing no apparent victor -- nor containing any ships that are truly vanquished. None of the ships seen look particularly damaged or worse for the wear, considering the amount of laser fire about. The dead ships look new, yet deactivated, much like ships within WELLS 1's wire web.)
CLARKE 1
Captain, the rules of engagement and the physical laws governing them are unknown to us. I suggest we keep a low profile.
VERNE
Steady as she goes, number one. We'll keep our eyes and ears open and our mouths shut. If we appear to be drifting we can scan the lifeless ships until we find one with Ellisonium and then we can tow her out real easy-like...
CLARKE 1
Beginning to scan now, Captain.
VERNE
So how did that little guy know my name?
CLARKE 1
Many things here defy logic; like these nebulous lightning storms...
VERNE
What did he mean by-
CLARKE 1
Captain, I have some good news and some bad news.
VERNE
You're not the type to usually keep me in suspense, spit it out.
CLARKE 1
The good news is that I have found one ship containing Ellisonium among the derelicts. Once there, it should be relatively easy to tow it back to this location. It is quite a distance, though...
VERNE
Hmmm... How far away is it?
CLARKE 1
About as far as it can be in this small hypersphere of space. Almost a parsec away, Captain, and with the inferior technology apparent in this craft, it may take us a week.
VERNE
Eh, that's not such bad news. We've got nothing but time here, and we've brought plenty of smoke.
CLARKE 1
Actually, that was still part of the good news. The bad news is that our scans were detected by something sentient within this realm. Our computer data has been scanned and our matrix relays may have been compromised.
VERNE
(Tokes.) Heavy.
CLARKE 1
Also, an armada-sized fleet of spaceships of varied design is rapidly-approaching, displaying attack formation.
VERNE
(Passes back the blunt, since his pinner died in Clarke 1's camping hands like so forever ago.) Shields up.
CLARKE 1
(Preamble to a hard button press and an even harder hit on his blunt [like a welcome-home-hit].) I thought you'd never say so.
VERNE
What are all those bright dots on this weird bendy screen here? Is that even English? What's that in? Spanglish?
CLARKE 1
No, it's unknown, yet from the pictographs, I deduce these are quantum torpedoes being fired from those vessels. (Passes.) At their current speed, it seems they'll reach us rather quickly.
VERNE
Hmmmm. Well no one's gonna say we didn't go out with a bang. (Tokes.) Evasive maneuvers, Clarke One. (Swings the ship violently to the left. Pause. Tokes.) Tap that keg and forward-pass another one of these footballs, that way I don't have to keep waiting for you to pass-back. (Tokes.) I'll man the guns and keep her flying, you just keep your eye on what's coming at us and keep my beer glass full. (Sets small, convenient, plastic vase, sans flowers, next to him, while sitting in a swivel pilot's chair with a convenient-cup, cup-holder.) We'll do fine, Clarke One. (Reaches back and passes the blunt roach.) You have your orders.
CLARKE 1
(Tokes the last of the resiny-tobacco leaf, chucks it and gives us his own Nemoean-eyebrow-raise goat-tee-tiltin' smirk as he produces and lights two fresh Simolean Spice & Clove Brandy Megablunts.) Aye-aye, sir.
(He sparks them together.)
FTB