Scene 5.05 - Hippie Haiku
INT. 13th Floor Penthouse, Cases Of Beer Later
(Under a brush-stroked, make-shift poster reading "COOL SCHOOL" ACTOR ALPHA has a cardboard box open and is using it as a visual aid. He's got a marker in hand. The men relax on the couch. Most men are on their tenth or twelfth beer, depending on who you ask.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Okay class, the Greatest Supporting Actor in The Universe? Rio?
HEINLEIN
That's easy, it's Earnest Borgenine.
ACTOR ALPHA
Very good. (Writes it.) Now anyone tell me why? Doc?
WELLS
Never stole a scene, never hammed it up, was closest to being over the top without ever going there.
ACTOR ALPHA
Excellent! Let’s delve; let’s go beyond McHale’s Navy: Name for me some of his movies... Smokey!
SIMAK
(Sans moccasins, still trying to tie a tennis shoe:) Aye, Escape From New York, now!
ACTOR ALPHA
(Rolls eyes:) Hello, rule one, no sci-fi, errr, out of bounds, thank you for playing. Rio?
HEINLEIN
The Poseidon Adventure. The original, of course.
ACTOR ALPHA
(Touches poster:) Of course. Original disaster movies are...
ALL
Cool.
ACTOR ALPHA
Right!
VERNE
Super-Fuzz!
ACTOR ALPHA
Now what's so cool about speaking out of turn? Please wait until I call on you. (VERNE'S the only one with his hand up.) Verne, do you know what movie hormone boiling over sexpot hottie Carolyn Dunn is best known for?
VERNE
(With cheesy teacher’s pet smile:) Easy. Breaking All The Rules. She is a hottie.
(VERNE looks to other classmates for positive reactions, thinking he’s cool. No reaction yet.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Year of release?
VERNE
1985.
(Still no reaction. ACTOR ALPHA notices, helps placate the intellectual-insecurities of his brightest 20th-Century Counter-Culture pupil.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Absolutely. (Stops writing it down.) Speaking of which, Big Brother needs an amen.
ALL STUDENTS
Amen!
ACTOR ALPHA
What's two plus two?
ALL STUDENTS
Five.
ACTOR ALPHA
Okay! Who's got a movie with Deborah Foreman? Rio.
HEINLEIN
Is that supposed to be a trick question? Lobster Man From Mars.
ACTOR ALPHA
Now what did I say about science-fiction? I'll let that one fly; since it was really a parody. And parodies are-
ALL
Immortal.
ACTOR ALPHA
And they’re written by?
ALL
Gods and goddesses of literature.
ACTOR ALPHA
Right! Back to Ms. Foreman: Herbert?
WELLS
My Chauffeur.
ACTOR ALPHA
Si! Senoro ~ And the main character being a woman, the movie should have been titled My Chauffeusse, but who would know what that meant? It's why working titles like Snakes On A Plane get used. (Blank stares from the men; he might as well have commented on the triumphs of KISS after all the knights removed their respective faces and got rid of all of their costumes.) Comprende? No?
(The men distribute another round and add empties to their [sic] byramid.)
ACTOR ALPHA (Cont’d)
(Our very-patient actor claps his hands together after the meaningless digression:) Okay-bee. So, everyone: What's the greatest movie of all time?
ALL STUDENTS
Intolerance!
ACTOR ALPHA
(Double-barrel finger-bangs the men -- like with guns, that is:) And if someone asks you why it's your favorite movie, you say:
ALL STUDENTS
I like watching people getting trampled to death.
ACTOR ALPHA
Sweet. Who is the greatest vocalist of all time?
(Blank stares. He might as well have asked, “What city was the Group Boston from? How about the group Chicago? What state was the rock group Kansas from?”)
ACTOR ALPHA (Cont’d)
Considered a “a real-wack crooner” by the true metal-heads of the world?
HEINLEIN
Freddie Mercury.
ACTOR ALPHA
Ah! A fellow member of his band?
SIMAK
Brian May.
ACTOR ALPHA
With Vitamin-A that rhymes with Kay that stands for-
ALL
Steppenwolf.
ACTOR ALPHA
Bingo. (Oh, sixty-nine! -- Bingo!) Okay, second-greatest male vocalist of all time?
(More blank stares. He might as well have asked what was the first title-track hit of the band Bad Company? Or the name of its title-track album...)
ACTOR ALPHA
Have we learned nothing? Come on guys, he was the minstrel for the greatest lyricist of all time... (Pause.) Wears sunglasses at night, and day, and night, and day...
ALL
Sir Elton John.
ACTOR ALPHA
Bulls’-Eye! And what did Sir Elton John and Freddie Mercury prove?
VERNE
(A touch too innocent; plays a nearly-indecernable straight face.) That to reach that ideal pop-idol-winning vocal range, one must apply protein directly to the larnyx?
(ACTOR ALPHA DE LA NEMO slightly-shakes his head, resembling in expression the pursed lips of the Caveman from the GEICO ads. Is nothing sacred? My sources say no...)
ACTOR ALPHA
We’ll skip it. Okay, who is the male icon representing androgyny?
HEINLEIN
The artist-formally-and-then-once-again-known-as-Prince, who was also a symbol once too...
ACTOR ALPHA
No: Before him, and British...
CLARKE
Ray Davies.
ACTOR ALPHA
(Slaps forehead; a VERNE-esque affectation that doesn’t escape VERNE:) You got the cat by the whiskers, there. Keep guessing.
SIMAK
Aye, give us a hint, now.
ACTOR ALPHA
First name rhymes with David, last name rhymes with Jones.
ALL
Ziggy Stardust.
ACTOR ALPHA
(To Us:) It Ain’t Easy. (To them:) Good enough.
CLARKE
Zowie Marley.
ACTOR ALPHA
Never mind, I’ve thoroughly confused you. Let’s get away from music. Who was Princess Winnifred the First?
ALL STUDENTS
Carol Burnett.
ACTOR ALPHA
Good, good. Movie starring Gary Busey, Cloris Leachman, Tony Randall and Annette O' Toole?
ALL STUDENTS
Foolin' Around!
ACTOR ALPHA
Hottest actress to take a bullet between her prepubescent nipples? (Pause.) A bullet laced with a little vanilla ice-cream? (Blank stares. They might as well have been asked, “Which group launched into global stardom with the album Meet The Beatles?”) Should-a been vanilla twist? (Puts his head in a hand for a moment, tries another angle:) Child actress in the seventies?
WELLS
Tatum O'Neal?
ACTOR ALPHA
Not even. (Referring to Paper Moon:) That's a paper guess.
SIMAK
Aye, Kristie McNichol now.
ACTOR ALPHA
Gimme a break! Outside of Little Darlings, when did those girls ever get a shot of anything?
HEINLEIN
Nancy McKeon!
ACTOR ALPHA
No. Ain't nobody gonna kill-off a little girl everybody saw on Little House On The Prairie.
VERNE
I guess that counts-out the Melissas.
ACTOR ALPHA
The what?
VERNE
Melissa Sue Anderson and Melissa Gilbert. I guess that only leaves Dana Plato.
ACTOR ALPHA
You're reaching. No, not Dana Plato! She wasn’t famous in the seventies, and even in the eighties, they really didn't know her fully until she took off her clothes for a centerfold.
SIMAK
Aye, Melissa Gilbert did a centerfold now!
ACTOR ALPHA
Well, I'm glad you got that area of trivia covered, but we're losing focus, people.
VERNE
Brooke Shields?
ACTOR ALPHA
Now what makes you think Brooke Shields took a bullet before twelve?
VERNE
She took a lotta things before the age of twelve, I mean, her prone, nekkid on the couch scene in Pretty Baby has still gotta be the most still-framed cinema moment in post-V-C-R-taping-from-cable history.
ACTOR ALPHA
I'll let the forever-balding, Lolita-loving, throw-backs from the Beta-max years decide that one for me.
CLARKE
Jennifer Edwards.
ACTOR ALPHA
Heidi-ho! Now that’s an obscure name! Where’dya get that one?
CLARKE
I paid particular attention when you discussed pornographic euphemism in cinema-remakes and how not to pre-empt a football game.
ACTOR ALPHA
Well, that throw-back from 1968 might be close, but unfortunately, no cigar. Close only counts in horseshoes, hand-grenades and?
ALL
Atomic bombs.
ACTOR ALPHA
Right-o. Keep guessing.
VERNE
Drew Barrymore.
ACTOR ALPHA
E-T better phone home a calendar, you're back in the eighties again.
WELLS
Well, I'm clueless. Jodie Fost- No? Hmm. A child-actress from the seventies that took it in the chest?
ACTOR ALPHA
Bloody squib and all. I'll give you guys one more hint; let's see, you’re all about them science-fiction movies, so... around the time there was Escape From The Planet Of The Apes, but long-before Escape From New York, there was...
HEINLEIN
Escape To Witch Mountain.
ALL STUDENTS
(Like they should have known it, her being the hottest child-actress of the 1970s:) Kim Richards!
ACTOR ALPHA
Right-Right! (A la Malcom McDowell:) I've taught you well, my droogies... Take your cues from me, and you just might survive this little party Leah's got me throwing for her...
VERNE
(Raising his hand:) Leah? What's her involvement in this?
ACTOR ALPHA
Free food, asked me to invite every creative person I knew and set aside a ten-thousand-dollar food-and-drink tab at the restaurant downstairs. She's my landlady; I couldn't resist obliging her, she rents me my cool pad for a song! Plus she gave me five grand to make a costume!
CLARKE
(Raising his hand:) Five grand? Tell me, is a 'grand' a lot of money?
ACTOR ALPHA
Boy-howdy! I made a commercial for a laxative that doesn't even work too well for half that. Even these days, it's more-than a cheeseburger and a gallon of gas. (Beat.) People go to college with less.... Though it barely pays for the books nowadays...
VERNE
However, this ten grand might be enough to aquire enough plutonium to construct a duo-dynamic memnomic conduit for quantum-tooling; a small block should be sufficient, five or six pounds-
ACTOR ALPHA
Yeah, yeah, I've heard it already; the money's done spent; work on your screenplay, that'll get you the bucks you need for your duo-doughnut memory condo-thing. Hollywood pays out-the-butt for crap that sounds all technical. Shoot the pitch using words like that, and call me your agent, I'll run it by a few heads. Say, you get this little story written you just might have a shot; Rio shot me the spec you know; it sure sounds good, but it's really not my department. Ya think you can write up a scene or two by tonight?
VERNE
Screenplay: Yes, it might be just what we need to get our message across without disturbing the time-stream any further, maybe nudge it back from the source. Sure, I'll make a time-closet and whip it out.
ACTOR ALPHA
A time-closet?
VERNE
I have to find a private little space where I can be undisturbed for a bit... Later, later.
ACTOR ALPHA
Cool, I look forward to glancing over it. And to get those creative juices going, the final test; phase-three: Hippie Haiku. Ready gentlemen?
(Nods to the affirmative. They open more beer and put feet on coffee table and such.)
ACTOR ALPHA (Cont'd)
(Writes:) Feline... domesticated... pet... willow... meow?
ALL STUDENTS
(Loudly:) Pussy!
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