Scene 8.15 - The After-Party
EST: EXT. Open Sound Stage - South Beach, Florida, July 4th, 1815
(The roadies [pirates] disassemble the stage as the crowd disperses. VERONICA, ADELE and ALBERTA wait in a cordoned area for their mothers. WANDA, SADIE and WALLY approach, talking their way past security [more pirates] and join the girls.)
ADELE
Mom!
WANDA
Adele!
(They embrace.)
ADELE
What are you doing here?
WANDA
I saw you perform, you're so... wonderful!
ADELE
Did Dad come with-?
WANDA
Adele, about that...
HAYLEY
(Held back at the autograph line by rough, pirate-looking, Hell's Angels' types, but no violence -- this ain't Altamont. FIRST MATE FREEMAN talks to them, trying to persuade-) Ronica!
VERONICA
(Waving.) Over here, Mom!
(HAYLEY, MUGGS and FIRST MATE FREEMAN rush over to the small group. HAYLEY and VERONICA embrace. FIRST MATE FREEMAN holds an odd bundle, containing a Jersey, shorts, panties, socks, shoes, sunglasses and a khaki fanny pack.)
HAYLEY
We saw the show, you were marvelous! (Beat, embrace.) Oh honey, I have so much to tell you!
MUGGS
Come with me folks, we'll take the back promenade to avoid the crowd. The green room is this way. That's where the party is.
(They all excitedly follow him. As he moves, ALBERTA notices the bundle.)
ALBERTA
Excuse me, Sir, that looks like my mom's clothes.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
(Stops.) Yes. The roadies wanted to pay me twenty bucks for the panties, but I got principals.
ALBERTA
What- are you doing with my mother's clothes? Where is she?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
She changed and left these under the stage. She'll be along any second. I'm holding them for her-
ALBERTA
She changed her clothes under the stage?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
No, of course not, she went down there with Casino for a little... you-know-what... (Beat. Smiles.) Pre-show activity...
ALBERTA
Pre-show activity?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
You know... They should be along any minute -- they stopped off for a a rum-dipped lick-and-suck-stick.
ALBERTA
M- my mom had sex with L-G-C under the stage?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Right before the show-
(The group has long moved out-of-earshot, but as VERONICA and ADELE stop and wait for ALBERTA, so do the others.)
ALBERTA
(Voice wavering.) You girls go on, I'm going to wait for my mom here, I'll be along in a second- Sir, I can wait alone for them, you go on, I'll hold her clothes. Thank you, Sir.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Freeman, my name's Freeman. I don't mind waiting with you-
ALBERTA
By all means, go on to the party, I'll be along shortly. I'd like to have private words with my mother if you don't mind.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
I- I wouldn't want to leave you alone out here-
ALBERTA
I insist. I am quite capable of handling myself and others, sir. Be along, I'll talk to you more at the party, Freeman.
FREEMAN
It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss.
ALBERTA
Likewise, Freeman.
(FREEMAN walks away, frequently looking back. ALBERTA begins to breathe heavy and holds back tears and converts that energy into rage. She looks up and sees MISTY and MONTY slowly walking arm in arm alongside an empty boardwalk, shoes off, bare feet kicking sand. MONTY carries a small satchel holding shoes and cowbell. They're both sharing a sugar cane shoot.)
MONTY
He asked how I knew that he wasn't contagious, and I told the guy... "I didn't."
(She laughs. And smiles as she sees her daughter approach.)
MISTY
Alberta!
ALBERTA
Mom, what is this?
MISTY
Oh honey, it's not what you might think-
ALBERTA
Did you sleep with him?
MISTY
Oh, yes, well-
(ALBERTA shoves her mother's clothes into her mother's attempted embrace. MONTY lifts a finger as to interject and say something and ALBERTA promptly knees him in the groin, sending him to the sand, speechless and in excruciating pain.)
MISTY
Alberta!
ALBERTA
I loved you! I sang a duet with you! And you slept with my mother!? How could you? (MISTY, shocked, drops her things and tries to embrace ALBERTA once again, but she jumps away as if her mother carried a plague.) Don't touch me! You knew I loved him! You knew! You didn't even know who he was and I've thought about him every day... he's all I ever- (Crying, backing away.) Why, why did you have to do this to me, when everything was so perfect for once! You ruined it! You ruined it all!
(Crying, she runs off into the darkness. MISTY shouts after her, looks down to see MONTY looking skyward, red-faced and still in pain, clutching and kneeing-up into a fetal position while lying on the ground. MISTY decides to run after her, following her into the darkness.)
MISTY
Alberta! Wait! Wait!
MONTY
(In shock: Almost catatonic with pain; pitiful. Slowly passes-out.) Owwwwh!
FTG
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Green room
(Food, drink and smoke abound. Everyone is passing blunts, candies, cookies, brownies and drinks. Furniture makes a big circle, with cushions and area rugs in the center. From the door, clockwise, spiraling inward: CAMPY, MORGAN, HAYLEY, VERONICA, LARRY, FIRST MATE FREEMAN, ALBERTA, MISTY, WALLY, ADELE, WANDA, SADIE, EMERALD, TERFER, MUGGS, LUCKY, ONE-EYED PETE, WINNIE and MOE. If everyone was as naked as CHONGI you'd think it was a love-in. MOE is feeding WINNIE grapes and it looks as if nearly all has been explained and forgiven... [Fade To Green.])
WINNIE
And that's when your son put us in our place about our bigotry and we decided that coming out and coming clean is the only way the two of us could truly be together. I, for one feel a whole lot better getting it out in the open.
MORGAN
I think it's best. Times have changed. Alberta's got two dads, and so does Adele, and you Veronica, and you, Campy.
CAMPY
Me?
LARRY
I don't have a problem sharing my heart with Hayley's boy.
SADIE
This has been quite an evening. Much has been revealed.
MISTY
And forgiven...
ALBERTA
Yes.
MORGAN
(Peering out the door:) Still no sign of Casino... Terfer's signaling from offshore... no... no sign.
CUTAWAY
MS: Empty, blue-lit street, wisps of smoke spiraling down the avenue into the darkness...
SOUND: Ocean waves crashing
MS: INT. Green Room
(Another blunt gets sparked as a cloud of smoke vacates the room to the outdoors, spiraling down the street.)
LARRY
What I don't understand Moe, is why you let me bleed Jack if getting rid of Monty was really only to cover up the fact that the two of you are secretly lovers... I got no beef with that -- why get me involved at all?
MOE
Ah-
WINNIE
Let me explain it...
FLASHBACK
INT. Winnie's Office.
(MOE bursts in-)
WINNIE
Moe!
MOE
I had to see you! Something terrible has happened! Didn't you say that Noriega was one of us?
WINNIE
No, he used to belong to the Tome-apartists, what is this abou-
MOE
No, I mean, like us: Queer, gay, fairy, fruity...
WINNIE
As juicy as they come. It's no secret he's gay... why are you asking?
MOE
He knows your family, right?
WINNIE
No! No one knows I'm family!
MOE
No, I mean doesn't he know someone in your family-
WINNIE
Oh! Yes, yes. My father-in-law, but that's sensitive inf- what's going on Moe? You bust in here and don't even give me a kiss-
MOE
You know I've been away...
WINNIE
Too long, I'm surprised you're back already, but I can't see you tonight, Wanda's made plans for the opera...
MOE
You don't understand, our secret is jeopardy! Noriega saw me, and he knew!
WINNIE
What?
FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK
EXT. Prison isle Ire
MANUEL
Call it my own golden, battle-worn eye, but even by torchlight, I can clearly see that one of those men is in a sorry, sorry state. -- What is your reason for braving these shores? This man?
MONTY
Yes! Sir, I am Monty Bizkit, first mate on The Cherry Mary, a merchant's ship, anchored offshore. Our captain has taken ill and we desperately seek a doctor, for he is near death!
MANUEL
It would be inhuman to turn away a dying man to the cold clutches of the sea: Bring him. The prison infirmary is to the East. My personal physician resides there. Oh-Joe Or-oh, take them to Wallpaper. I shall awaken Ah-blow Rio for an Extreme Unction...
MS: SHIP MEN
MONTY
Cool Beans!
MOE
What's with you and them cool beans? You use that one way too much, Monty...
MONTY
All that and a bag of chips...
(MANUEL steps over to MOE, at the bow of the rowboat. He looks at him bent over, checking out his backside lustfully.)
MANUEL
(Near MOE, out of earshot of MONTY and LARRY:) So, you must have a lucky man in port?
MOE
Excuse me?
MANUEL
(Sotto:) No need to pretend with me, I can spot one of my kind a mile away, and you... I bet you have a Havana hunk waiting for a cutie like you to come back home like I do. Boo-when-oh! Yet, if you ever come this way again, please look me up...
CU: MANUEL squeezes a cheek of MOE'S behind. MOE reacts, looks to the others.
MS: Monty and Larry moving the body, not aware.
MOE
Hey! Cool it, Inservice Day!
MANUEL
Why you call me Inservice Day, Field Trip?
MOE
Let's just say this conversation never happened, you'll never get any from me, bro -- what do you want?
MANUEL
(Pats his chest.) I need no love; yet perhaps there is something you could do something for me, as a bro-- What is it, Wallace?
(MOE quickly goes back to helping the men unload Greenback from the rowboat.)
TALL GUARD WITH STRANGE HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE
Sir, why you call the priest Hablo Rio? Why you call the doctor Wallpaper?
WAVY OUT-OF-FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK DISSOLVE
INT. Winnie's Office
MOE
And I think he told my friend... Monty! He's been talking very suspiciously, he looks at me differently!
WINNIE
Your friend knows?
MOE
Yes! I think he does! He's doing some favor for Noriega, something I wouldn't do -- he must have told him-
WINNIE
Go talk to him, find out what he knows, it might not be that bad, he's your friend...
MOE
He won't talk to me, he's already lied to me about it-
WINNIE
He's lied to you?
MOE
Noriega gave Monty some money... it's all so horrible! Our secret will be out and we'll be ruined! It's all falling apart so fast!
WINNIE
Nonsense, send him to me, I'll convince him that he's been told wrong -- after all, Noriega is a traitor, not to be trusted...
MOE
Well, maybe... You think it would work?
WINNIE
Possibly, but we need to make my inquiries look official. What about your other shipmate -- what does he know?
MOE
Nothing so far, he's still sore about getting passed up for a promotion...
WINNIE
Find him, get him involved. Surely the state would want to question a man who spoke to a traitor... yes. I'll work this from my end and see what your friend knows, I'll fix this for you-
MOE
For us-
WINNIE
Yes, for us-
(They move in for a kiss.)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Green Room
LARRY
Yeah, that seems about right, but why all the cloak-and-dagger with Monty? Why send him away at all? Why involve me in a wild and crazy murder plot that never really materialized into anything? Why did you lie and make me think I was going to have to kill-
WINNIE
You didn't really have to kill anyone, did you?
LARRY
Well no, thank God, but-
WINNIE
You see, it was-
MOE
Let me explain it-
ANOTHER FLASHBACK DISSOLVE
EXT. Beau Monde, garden
(MOE is having breakfast outdoors, watching ducks playing in a pond. WINNIE runs up on him, panicked. It's reminiscent of the last flashback scene, only the positions are reversed: WINNIE is the fop running around like a chicken without a head.)
WINNIE
Moe! Moe!
MOE
Win, what is it? What are you doing here?
WINNIE
It's horrible! Worse than we had ever imagined!
MOE
What? What? Sit down, have some breakfast...
WINNIE
Oh, I'm too upset to eat! Your friend-
MOE
Yes, Monty, what does he know?
WINNIE
He had a letter-
MOE
A letter? Not money?
WINNIE
No, a letter, from Noriega!
MOE
What did it say?
DISSOLVE TO:
YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK-WITHIN-A-FLASHBACK
INT. Winnie's Office
MONTY
I- I do not wish to hang, sir- I did speak to Mr. Noriega, sir, but he gave me no money; only a letter- to be delivered, tomorrow!
WINNIE
A letter?
MONTY
Yes, a Mother's Day card! I- I promised I would not show it to anyone, it is warm wishes for his ill mother.
WINNIE
You've read it, then?
MONTY
I- cannot read, sir.
WINNIE
You have this letter; in your vest. Give it to me. I'm quite sure that a promise to a traitor from your lips doesn't outweigh the tension of a noose at your neck, sir. If it can prove your innocence, sir, by all means, come forth with it!
(MONTY hands the TALL GUARD NOW WITHOUT MUSTACHE the letter, who hands it to WINNIE.)
MANUEL V.O.
(Echo chamber:) My dearest secret lover, the time for my escape is nearly upon us. I miss you, so terribly. Yet, soon I will feel your manly embrace once again, and all of Cuba will know us for who we are. No longer will we carry badges of shame, or hide our true nature from men or marry women for pretense as even your sorry son-in-law has done. All shall be revealed, everyone will be outed. No more shall we be outcasts, pitied, vilified... Our day shall come, and we'll have everything, we'll share the joy...
WINNIE
Ho! Ho! My! This isn't a Mother's Day card, sir. It's final instructions regarding an elaborate escape plan. Lucky we found this.
MONTY
Sir, on my honor as a gentleman, I swear I was unaware of the contents of that letter! Had I known his intentions were unjust-
WINNIE
I believe you, sir. Only an idiot or an illiterate would deliver this letter to my desk. If you were complicit or in collusion with this traitor, you would already be weeping and pleading for mercy on your knees; therefore, your bold ignorance to this grave matter betrays you, and thereby saves you from the gallows. I truly believe you, sir; you've done the state a great favor by bringing this directly to me. (Looks up.) Surely not treason -- merely, civic duty...
CUT FROM FLASHBACK-WITHIN-A-FLASHBACK
MORGAN
(Peering out, looking back in:) Someone's coming this way...
SADIE
What time is it?
CAMPY
Time for you to get a watc-
SADIE
Excuse me?
CAMPY
Nothing, Mistress. It is seventeen minutes until midnight.
SADIE
Go on, Winnie, you still got time -- we get that you swindled Larry into silence about the affair, but you said you only had Monty sent for a routine booking, to delay him from...
WINNIE
I just sent him to get fingerprinted only to buy time. It was ridiculous, but it bought me time. What I didn't know is that Mr. Bizkit stood in the wrong line at the booking and processing center and was booked one-way to Hell's Island. It took almost a week of inquiry only to find out he had jumped ship twice. I was sure he had reached the island, but he hadn't. We looked through many prisons across the continent, but we never found him.
SADIE
That's what I don't understand. I've never seen either of you before and I was the chief resident there. I never forget a face. When did you visit me to look for Bureaucrat?
WINNIE
It was like this-
MOE
Let me tell it-
DREAM DISSOLVE TO:
(OLAF is reading a child's magazine. He sits at the desk usually occupied by SADIE. MOE and WINNIE enter, wet and cold.)
MOE
My dear sir!
OLAF
Augh! Oh, hello guys.
WINNIE
It's raining cats and dogs outside!
OLAF
Really? (Goes to look.) Liar.
MOE
This ain't heavy rain down here?
OLAF
Oh no, this is just a little sprinkle. Wait until the rainy season.
WINNIE
This ain't the rainy season?
OLAF
Maybe it is. Who are you two and why are you asking me these riddles?
MOE
I am Baron DeMoney.
OLAF
A baron? You look kinda young to be a baron...
MOE
I'm the heir. My father recently died in a duel of honor.
OLAF
What was that about, eh?
MOE
He was killed in a duel last week over the matter of a pig. He had indigestion from some salted bacon and told the pig farmer where he could stick it and the pig farmer stuck it to him instead. Gruesome way to go, if you ask me. You don't see me spitting on a carriage every time I smell horse manure. Some things are best let go.
OLAF
Yeah, like most of the people here. Let go.
WINNIE
This is the President's Exploratory Commission On Sanitarium Procedure and Interrogation Techniques In Foreign Theatres?
OLAF
Yeah it sounds something like that... I'm Olaf.
MOE
He's Winnie, I'm Moe. You in charge here?
OLAF
For the present moment. What can I do you for?
WINNIE
A person was sent here by mistake-
OLAF
Yeah they all say that-
MOE
Well this person really was, and he's a friend of mine.
OLAF
Well we don't want to keep anyone who don't belong here none... What is his name and when was he admitted?
MOE
Monty Bizkit. Early January of this past year.
OLAF
January? It's almost January now, Ms. Sadie is off on her convention-
MOE
Ms. Sadie?
OLAF
(Taking on head-doctor role. Dons lab coat and smart specs and a clipboard.) Our- head assistant to the Chief in charge: Olaf. That's me. Olaf.
WINNIE
Yes, Olaf... Dr. Olaf?
OLAF
Well, of course, shall we make the rounds? I've no recollection of a Monty Bizkit, but there were John-Doe inmates who have been admitted in the last year. Shall we begin at the most base and work our way up or degrade our visions as we wind down?
WINNIE
Up.
MOE
Down.
OLAF
We'll start with my favorite, Master Poke. The man can walk through walls. He was diagnosed with mass anno-diss-sy-plexia and a rheumatic inflammatory seizing of his eso-pho-derm-i-gal and tray-ke-glottoral-sub-exocheal pathway due to an acute overindulgence in smoking-
WINNIE
I'm sorry, Doctor, this Poke fellow, he's a new arrival?
OLAF
Oh no, he's been a patient here, like forever.
MOE
Why are we seeing him why don't we just see the ones admitted this year?
OLAF
Well, I thought you might like a little bit of a tour, but if the rain and the cold isolation of the outdoors is calling and you feel you are in a rush, by all means I will take you to both guys who were let in this year. I don't want to be a burden by providing courtesy-
WINNIE
Well, we don't mean to sound ungrateful for your hospitality, it is just that we are very anxious to be reunited with this man.
OLAF
I can see that. This first guy's name is Ned. That's all I know. (Beat.) I mean- Ned has a systematic, recurring dislike for non-liquid sustenance and some sort of hygiene malady that causes him to silently emit a foul odor. I classify it as a classic case-study example of the Romulus and Remus affliction, compounded by the fact that- (Unbolts door. Whoa! The smell!) Ned's dead.
MOE
That's not him.
OLAF
(Rebolts.) I'll get back to Ned later.
WINNIE
Where's the other fellow?
OLAF
Oh, Bjork-Rat? He's upstairs.
MOE
Lead the way, doctor...
OLAF
Now Bjork-Rat is everything but silent. He's stark, raving mad. If I wasn't such a big fellow, I wouldn't go near him. He's a homicidal maniac.
WINNIE
Homicidal maniac?
OLAF
Killed a bus-load of tourists with his bare hands. Likes to count-off his victims at night in the way like we count sheep...
WINNIE
A bus-load of tourists? What's a tourist? What's a bus-load?
WINNIE
Surely I would have heard about this act of carnage, he was sentenced this year? What was his name?
OLAF
Only known as the Bjork-Rat... He worked in a post office.
MOE and WINNIE
Ohh...
OLAF
Yeah, that's why they say "postal..."
WINNIE
Come on, they've been saying that for years...
OLAF
Yeah, but Bjork-Rat gave it a whole new meaning, he was gonna make headlines... he went totally crazy with a can opener, six mud pies and a ball of wax. The whole reason you didn't hear about it, is cuz he ate the reporters who came to get the story about it.
MOE
Ate them?
OLAF
Ate them. Ate them all.
WINNIE
Huh. What about the cops?
OLAF
It took a whole battalion to take him down and a whole hospital to put him back together, but he had a good lawyer...
WINNIE
Really? Who?
OLAF
I don't know those things, I'm only a doctor. Somebody musta got him off with the insanity plea or something. We can't keep him in a cell with the others, we have to keep him completely iso-
MOE
How many stairs are there in this tower?
OLAF
Here we are. I can't let you in, gentlemen, but I can open the barred window here. Stay back and don't give him anything, not even a kind word.
MS: Through bars, a mad Monty is counting stones.
MONTY
Sixty-eight thousand, three-hundred ninety-six, sixty- what?
MOE
Monty, is that you?
MONTY
Ghost voice! It's a ghost voice! Away away ghost!
MOE
I'm not a ghost, I'm Moe -- do you know me?
MONTY
Know me, Moe me, know me, bo bee, fo-fee, go-bee... Moe, Moe, bo Boe, bonana-fana fo Foe, Fee fy mo 'oe. (Half Beat.) Moe!
(According to Shirley Ellis: "But if the first two letters are ever the same I drop them both and say the same like Bob Bob drop the B's bo ob for fred fred drop the F's fo red For Mary Mary drop the M's Mo ary That's the only rule that's contrary...")
OLAF
Stark, raving mad.
MOE
My friend that I'm looking for wasn't that skinny, and he couldn't grow a mustache, much less a beard. He can't be Monty Bizkit.
MONTY
Monty Bizkit! Monty Bizkit! I got the- I got the blunt of Monty Bizkit! You jus' gotta risk it, (Playing in mud of dirt and rainwater or something and makes face paint, thinking he's lost his mind once and for all.) In the mud, in the mud, in the mud of Monty Bizkit.
MOE
Monty? Could that really be you? I'm Moe, don't you recognize-
WINNIE
Is it him?
MOE
No, that babbling beast is nothing at all like Monty. Another dead end. I suppose he must have been sent elsewhere.
WINNIE
We've looked everywhere.
MOE
Until we try somewhere else next year, I guess... somewhere, more... sunny...
(They are about to kiss, when.)
OLAF
While you're here at the dungeon and Ms. Sadie's away on business, care to join me for some tea and crumpets?
WINNIE
Tea and crumpets?
MOE
What's a crumpet? Hey, do you think we're the type-
OLAF
Oh, did I mention some Cannabis Ubiquitous? It's a private stash, only brought out for the most special occasions and the most exotic visitors.
WINNIE
Lead on, Brother, now you're speaking our language...
MOE
(Singing:) I love him, I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I follow, I follow, I follow...
CUT TO:
INT. Green Room
SADIE
Olaf has got some serious explaining to do. I looked for that stash for eight months. It took me years to grow another plant half as-
WINNIE
I think what we're trying to say is now that all is out in the open, we should let bygones be bygones. We meant Monty no real harm and he's probably hoppin' mad, but if everyone here can forgive one another and move on then surely-
SADIE
(Looking up.) St. Anthony, forgive me.
MOE
Speaking of which, can you all help us explain this to Monty? Let's all live and let live and do what's best for everyone. Right?
(Everyone kinda agrees, not really sure where this is going...)
MORGAN
(Looking out:) Someone's coming.
MS: SILHOUETTE walking down smoky whirlwind street carrying hickory stick.
SADIE
What time is it?
CAMPY
(Beat.) Eleven-fifty, Mistress.
SADIE
It's him.
CAMPY
How do you know?
SADIE
It's in the title: Ten to midnight...
MISTY
What?
SADIE
Nothing, nothing, forget it...
OLAF V.O.
(Echo chamber:) He's stark, raving mad, I tell you! Stark, raving mad!
ADELE
What is that?
HAYLEY
An echo chamber, added for dramatic effect...
ALBERTA
No, she means...
ONE-EYED PETE
A voice-over, designed to remind us about what we just experienced in flashback-
VERONICA
Oh...
MORGAN
He's here! (Going out:) Casino! Casino!
MISTY
(Following:) Monty!
(The group walks from the room to the street, all calling to him. The man lets the stick hang from his hand.)
MS: SILHOUETTE stops.
MONTY
Is everybody in? (Pause.) Is everybody in? (Longer pause.) I said, is everybody in? (Beat.) Then let's begin.
SOUND: GONG!
DISSOLVE TO: