Scene 1.04 - Happy Birthday
EST: INT. Bunny’s Penthouse - Morning.
MS: Bunny’s open-air kitchen/living room
AUDIO CONTINUITY - NEWS BUMP from small, very-expensive, portable television monitor on bar in kitchen. Seamless transition.
CG: (Lower third:) July 4, 1969, Wichita, Kansas, 08:59 a.m. CDT
(BUNNY, an ingenius ingenue, is celebrating her 16th birthday. Unfortunately, she is still caught between puberty and menopause and is feeling the full effects of God's curse upon Eve. She walks by her portable television, which is playing some silly British news report on the local public broadcasting channel. BUNNY groans and impatiently silences her television. She is stressed and flustered. She is decked out in a very expensive satin princess gown, like a winner of a pubescent pageant. She is obviously loaded, as she enjoys the luxurious penthouse suite entirely to herself. She is a year from graduating from a prestigious, private, all-girl, parochial school. She wears a child’s diamond necklace and bracelet, carries a small, diamond-studded scepter and wears a child-sized, diamond-adorned tiara and yet still looks quite sexy, despite her strained look. Her phone rings.)
BUNNY
Hello, this is Bunny Lunsford.
BETTY
Happy birthday!
BUNNY
Aw. Not too much to celebrate. It’s like the worstest birthday ever, Betty! Puh.
BETTY
What's wrong, baby?
BUNNY
Auntie Flo's come to visit.
BETTY
Aw, you too?
BUNNY
Again? How come we always start our cycle at the same time?
BETTY
Guilt by association. I think we get into the same rythym or something. We hang around each other enough, we’re bound to be on the same groove.
BUNNY
Yeah, the beat goes on. Betty, help me, baby, I'm fresh out of Max-S and I’m about to burst a seam.
BETTY
Max-S? Oh, don't use that; it can give you a stroke.
BUNNY
A C-V-A? Really?
BETTY
Uh, yeah, I read about some girl in New Jersey, like she dropped some Windowpane and had a stroke. Something about negative drug interaction. (Pause.) What's a C-V-A?
BUNNY
(Distractedly offhand; unfortunately, an intelligence quotient of 170+ doesn't go very far among other teenagers.) Uh, cerebral vascular accident -- so Max-S gives you apoplexy... Wow. I sure didn't know that. I guess you learn something new every day. Still, baby, I could use something, maybe not L-S-D, but I sure need something. Whatcha got?
BETTY
I got some Femiphren, for real.
BUNNY
Cool. You coming-over?
BETTY
Yeah. I'm dressed for the Independence Day Macrame Workshop, but after throwing-up this morning, I don't think I'm gonna go. I should call the rest of the gang.
BUNNY
Yeah, sure! Sounds fun. I'll make us blender drinks, but nothing too outrageous. Not like an official party or anything.
BETTY
You turn sixteen like how many times in your life? Like, once. Plus, it’s the Fourth of July! It’s like the whole country’s birthday too! (Fondling her red-white-and-blue macrame creation that looks like a mix between a plant holder and a mobile.) You better believe that I gotta surprise for you, Bunny, and it’s homemade, so you can’t take it back to the store!
BUNNY
If you've baked me a cake...
BETTY
Relax, nothing like that. I'll bring your gift and some Mezcal and be right over.
BUNNY
This time you’re eating the worm.
BETTY
Luv ya, Bunny.
BUNNY
You too, Betty, bye-bye.
BETTY
Bye.
(BETTY dials BOBBIE.)
BOBBIE
Hello?
BETTY
Bobbie, it's Betty.
BOBBIE
Hi Betty.
BETTY
Listen, it's Bunny's birthday.
BOBBIE
I know, she’s like a Yankee-doodle-dildo. She gets fireworks so I got no sympathy. My birthday’s in late December; we’re the ones with the real issue.
BETTY
Yeah, whatever Bobbie, listen, we're having a get together at her place in about an hour. Wanna come?
BOBBY
Love to, I wasn't going anywhere anyway. Anyone bringing any grass? I'm seriously on the rag and I’m all out of Femiphren.
BETTY
Mom just got a box of Femiphren last night, I'm bringing it with me.
BOBBIE
Isn't that weird how we all get it at the same time?
BETTY
Yeah, I know.
BOBBIE
Trippy. I'll see you in an hour.
BETTY
Okay, bye-bye.
BOBBIE
Bye.
BUFFY
Hello?
BETTY
Buffy, it's Betty.
BUFFY
Oh, hi Betty!
BETTY
Hey, we're all meeting Bunny in an hour to celebrate her birthday.
BUFFY
Sounds fun, but I'm not leaving the house. It's that time of the month, and I’m really not sure about taking this Max-S.
BETTY
(Using the word she picked up from BUNNY:) Oh, don't take that, you dolt, it'll give you a-pop-o-plexy! Didn'tcha hear about that girl in New Jersey?
BUFFY
That’s what I was wondering! The newspaper said she got ahold of some bad acid.
BETTY
Yeah, right. The papers always lie about drugs. They all lie about drugs. Max-S advertises, that’s why they’re all blaming the stroke all on the acid, not the Max-S.
BUFFY
Maybe you're right. Still, I don't think I can make it, Betty.
BETTY
Hey, we're all crampin' royal. Bobbie and I are meeting at Bunny's. I'm bringing over some wicked mezcal left over from Dennis' graduation party and some high-dollar tequila from my dad's liquor cabinet and some of my mom's Femiphren -- plus, a really, really-cool macrame plant-and-lava-lamp coaster that I made all by myself.
BUFFY
(Tequila?) Really? Can you pick-me-up?
BETTY
Sure. I've already called Bobbie. Call the others while I'm on my way over.
BUFFY
Okay, I will.
BETTY
See you soon.
BUFFY
Okay, bye.
(She hangs up and the phone immediately rings.)
BUFFY (Cont'd)
(Draping a clove cigarette across a window pane while a fan blows fiercely.) Hello?
BAMBI
Omigod! I've been like trying to call you for like five minutes already!
BUFFY
Hi Bambi, I was on the phone with Betty.
BAMBI
Yeah, yeah. You got any Max-S? I'm so like bleeding like a stuck-pig and I'm all out.
BUFFY
Don't take Max-S, it'll give you apple-la-plexi; didn't you hear about that girl?
BAMBI
(Apple-la-plexi? Sounds serious...) No, what happened?
BUFFY
She like totally freaked out while she was on acid and like downed a bottle of Max-S and like dropped right in front of a cop.
BAMBI
Like really? Like did she get busted?
BUFFY
Like really! Like she didn't get busted, she like died!
BAMBI
Far-out, like that’s so freaky! Well, I've got to do something about these Red River Blues. When I bleed this much, the cramps are like, at least like ten times worse.
BUFFY
Betty's bringing me by some Femiphren on the way to Bunny's. It's her birthday, ya know.
BAMBI
How can I forget? Our fearless leader with the photographic memory never fails to remind me that she was born on Independence Day at 7:53 p.m., when expressed in military time, is 19:53, which is the year of her birth. Still, that don't mean anything to the stars. She's a Cancer. It's a good thing I'm an Aquarian, or she and I would never-
BUFFY
Want us to pick you up?
BAMBI
Nah. Daddy filled my tank.
BUFFY
Meet me at Bunny's. I'm callin' Barbie.
BAMBI
See ya.
(BUFFY dials another number.)
BUFFY
Pick up already.
BARBIE
What?!!!
BUFFY
Lemme guess, that time of the month?
BARBIE
Oh, hi Buffy! How'd ya know?
BUFFY
Well, let’s just say that I'm not wearing any white today either.
BARBIE
My stupid mom took all the Femiphren with her to Barbados!
BUFFY
Betty's got some Femiphren and we're all meetin' her at Bunny's.
BARBIE
Isn't it like her birthday today?
BUFFY
Yeah, meet us there in about an hour. I'll call Bessie.
BARBIE
She's at Bonnie's. I just talked to them, it's chocolate-time over there, too. They're both out of Femiphren.
BUFFY
Guess they'll be glad to hear from me then. See ya there.
BARBIE
Love you, babe.
BUFFY
Okay, ciao.
(BUFFY'S phone rings as it hangs up.)
BUFFY
Huffman residence.
BONNIE
Buffy, Bambi just called. Bobbie's got some Femiphren?
BUFFY
Yeah. Is Bessie with you?
BESSIE
(Before residential call-waiting. When ‘other line’ meant someone who could afford to rent more than one phone for their house:) Yeah, I'm on the other line. Can you bring me a pair of jeans and a T-shirt? I'm so bloated and I can't fit into any of Bonnie's clothes. I'm still in my dress and if I were to go back home, I would probably just lay down and die.
BUFFY
Yeah, I guess. You know, my clothes might be a little tight on you, too.
BESSIE
Yeah, but you got a bigger chest, and that makes up for a lot.
BUFFY
What about you, Bonnie, are you okay?
BONNIE
I'm not going to take a dip in Bunny's pool, I'll tell you that. As long as Bobbie's got the Femiphren, we'll be there in thirty minutes.
BUFFY
Bye- Hey, what's Brandi's telephone number at her parents' new house?
BESSIE
Bel Aire 669.
BUFFY
Cool. See you soon. (Click; dial tone, dials “0.”) Operator, Bel Aire 669 -- thank you.
BRANDI
Good Morning, Randall residence, Brandi speaking.
BUFFY
Brandi, it's Buffy. The girls are all meetin' at Bunny's for her birthday.
BRANDI
No can do. I'm riding-the-cotton-pony and I only got Max-S and don't want to get cervical cancer, so I'm just waiting it out.
BUFFY
Max-S doesn't give you zervikall kin-sir, it gives you apple-pixie and then you like die!
BRANDI
Whatever. My monthly bill has come-due and I ain't plodding all the way through Eastborough. Traffic is so uncool.
BUFFY
They're always working on the roads. C’mon, everybody's coming. Bobbie's got a box of Femiphren and we're on our way over.
BRANDI
Everybody? Okay, I'm on my way. But if Bobbie doesn't have the Femiphren, you're hitting the drug store.
FTB