Scene 5.14 - Baron Von Buttman's Super-Circus Suck-Off
EXT./INT. Seedy Warehouse
(It’s the set for a cheap porno movie. The concubines are dressed to extremes: ROSE is a lion tamer, DAHLIA is dressed sexily suggesting a lioness, LILY a tigress, POPPY and PIXIE are cute and sexy clowns who juggle adult novelties, IRIS is the ringmaster, LOTUS is the spectacle-wearing sexy videographer, DAISY is the boom-mike holder/sound technician/lesbian fluff, and RONNIE sits in a director’s chair, dressed as a trapeze artist. There is a large, fake-looking elephant head painted USC with a flaccid, muslin trunk protruding from the flat. To compound matters, there is a freak thunderstorm overhead. The first of many thunderclaps is heard.)
RONNIE
Now Dahlia, when Rose comes at you, you’ve got to be backing up as you get whipped. That’s when The Baron will grope you with the elephant trunk. You remember your lines, Rose?
ROSE
Yeah, it’s “Look out! There’s junk in that trunk!”
RONNIE
Right. And that’s when The Baron sprays you all down with the soap suds. You ready, Baron?
(Thunderclap. There is a meager motion from the trunk of the elephant as it plays in the large, fake, empty bucket.)
RONNIE (Cont’d)
Great, now you girls stand-by and get ready to sponge-off Dahlia. You remember your lines?
POPPY
Oh my! Looks like the animals got wet!
PIXIE
We’d better clean them up!
RONNIE
Good. Okay, quiet on the set!
(Thunderclap.)
LOTUS
Rolling...
DAISY
Baron Von Buttman’s Super-Circus Suck-Off, scene fourteen, take one.
RONNIE
Action!
(WELLS, CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE and the gang from the hospice plus a few formerly-terminal cases enter. The group is wet with rain.)
DAHLIA
Meow! Ow! Meow! Ow! No! Meow! Meow!
(ROSE playfully whips DAHLIA with an adult-novelty whip. She backs up and the trunk begins groping.)
ROSE
Look out! There’s spunk in that trunk!
NO ONE NOTICED -- KEEP ROLLING
(Suds spray the ladies down. Thunderclap. Lights dim for a moment.)
POPPY
Oh my! Looks like the animals got wet!
PIXIE
We’d better clean them up!
(They start what promises to be an exciting time. Loud thunderclap.)
WELLS
Well I’ll be!
RONNIE
Cut! (The trunk keeps moving throughout the scene, occassionally copping a feel from various actresses who step too near.) Hey! What is this? Who let you in here?
DAHLIA
C-25! ([The actor's real name, mind you.] She and other concubines rush over to Cameo Twenty-Five.) Oh Doctor! Is this another house-call?
WELLS
You know these ladies?
CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE
When I visit The Baron, I’m their part-time gynocological consultant. It’s all above-board, I assure you.
(Thunderclap. The women start nuzzling up to him, suds and all.)
RONNIE
Dr. Wells! You’ve escaped Oblivion!
WELLS
Yes, with no help from you, but no matter. What is going on here, Ronica? Circe' De' Sodome'?
(Sir"-Kay' Day" Saw"-Dumb"-May')
MS: ALL
SOUND
(Thunderclap! It begins raining on the roof of the metal warehouse.)
RONNIE
When we got here, we were broke! We had to get jobs!
WELLS
Jobs? Doing what? Pimping yourselves out as a bunch of sexual circus-freaks? Who are you, the sword swallower?
(Thunderclap. RONNIE gets to have a Nemo look this time.)
RONNIE
I’m the trapeze artist. It’s a drama about the plight of the homeless vagabond, walking-on-a-thin-line and all that. It’s a visual metaphor.
WELLS
Whatever. I’m not here to break up your menage-a-whatever you call this Bare-um and Lay-me Circus Orgy thing. I’m here for The Baron.
RONNIE
The Baron, what about him?
(Thunderclap. Is that hail hitting the roof?)
WELLS
I was combing-through the good doctor’s files and I saw this one. (A big smiling picture of THE BARON is seen.) I’d know this patient anywhere. I read about his injuries. All superficial, yet traumatic. The medical file lists this as his place of residence. I know he’s here, ladies. I want to see him. Now.
RONNIE
He’s beyond hope, Doctor. Not even my power of the buzz can save him. Hopeless.
WELLS
And when they start letting the opinions of phantasmic anomalies outweigh the sureness of direct examination by a certified doctor, I’ll let you wear the stethoscope. (Smooth, persuasive, like a good doctor:) I want to see him, Ronica. Right now. Let me be the judge of whether he’s beyond hope, my lovely.
RONNIE
(She melts to his gaze, transfixed:) Okay, he tried to modify the- he- the red-room, he broke his generator, trying to harness the power of Zeta. It was disasterous. You don’t want to- He’s not the same man you knew, Doctor.
WELLS
Where is he? I want to see him now.
RONNIE
Very well... but... his appearance is much different.
WELLS
Now, Ronica.
RONNIE
Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Come on out, Baron! You’ve got some friends here who want to see you!
(Thunderclap.)
MUSIC UP
(Enter THE BARON, crippled, old, scarred. He appears as Captain Christopher Pike did in the two-part Star Trek: The Menagerie -- except he also has a protruding, mid-riff, robotic “arm” that was obviously used to move the trunk of the elephant from the other side of the flat. He rolls in and stops.)
WELLS
Haid-ran’s Wall! What have you done to him?
RONNIE
We did all we could. There’s only so much that can-
WELLS
What in heaven’s name is this?
LOTUS
It’s called a Love-Around.
DAISY
It gives him mobility.
IRIS
He can answer yes or no questions with it.
POPPY
He can give a really great foot massage.
(The women all giggle and agree. Weaker thunderclap.)
WELLS
He’s a prisoner inside that shell of a body. (Pulls out hypo, steps toward THE BARON.) I’ve got to help him.
CLARKE V.O.
Baron Verne...
RONNIE
Look. He’s saying no. No to what?
WELLS
I need to examine you, Baron, perhaps it’s for the best...
LOTUS
He keeps beeping no. Why is he doing that?
CLARKE V.O.
Baron Verne, you need to go with me...
(Thunderclap.)
WELLS
You even got a porta-potty rigged back there. Hmmmm. Look at him, he’s in some sort of trance.
IRIS
He’s still beeping no.
CLARKE V.O.
Baron...
WELLS
Do you hear that?
LILY
What?
WELLS
I- I think I hear Clarke.
CLARKE V.O.
You need to go with me...
WELLS
Clarke!
(Everyone can hear it now.)
CLARKE V.O.
We need to go, I can take you...
WELLS
Clarke! What are you doing? I can hear you! Where are you?
CLARKE V.O.
We must go, Baron, we must go...
WELLS
Clarke! Can you hear me? Where are you?
CLARKE V.O.
We must hitch a ride, to Zeta.
(On the word “Zeta,” THE BARON suddenly vanishes.)
RONNIE
He’s gone!
WELLS
Clarke. I’d know his handiwork anywhere. Why? He’s up to something. I’ve got to tell Captain Verne. You locals: Which way is it to the Hollywood Hilltop?
(They all point in exactly the same direction over the next line.)
CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE
(Not pointing:) Two blocks from here. We’re going with you.
WELLS
No, It might be dangerous. Have you looked at the sky lately? What do you think is causing that? It ain’t fireworks, I’ll tell you that much. It’s the beginning of the end. Now I just patched you folks up and I don’t want anyone to get hurt. You just don’t know what you’re getting into.
(The mob has surrounded him. The ladies have quickly packed for the voyage.)
CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE
It seems you don’t have a choice, Doctor. We all want to know what’s happening here. We’re with you.
(They agree.)
RONNIE
You’re not ditching us along the way, either. We’re in for the long-haul. We want to find The Baron as much as you do.
CAMEO TWENTY
Count me in.
WELLS
I can’t take the responsibility for all of you. (To TWENTY’S child:) Especially you, young man.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
You’re not getting rid of us so easily, Doc. You’ve helped us, let us help you.
(All agree. The baby kicks. CAMEO TWENTY smiles and nods with a “thumbs-up,” if necessary.)
WELLS
All right. I suppose I’ve messed-up the time-line plenty and without help, I’ll never be able to set it straight. All right, everyone stay close, and I’ve got to warn you, it might be tough dealing with the forces of Zeta. If you’re skiddish, go home, cuz only one thing’s sure to this old country doctor. When we tell Captain Verne what happened to The Baron, he’s going to blow his cork.
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