Scene 6.13 - A Sudden Twist In An Overdue Explanation
INT. Time-Shuttle Demetridon, First Orbit - Planet Zeta
EST: ECU Clip From Volume One, Chapter Six
AH! LEAH! V.O.
And how can this be? For he is the Nick-nack-paddy-whack!
ZOOM OUT
MS: 21st-Century-Wide-Screen Plasma-Television
(The party has wound-down considerably. Groups of people are huddled under many blankets in a darkened clubhouse and everyone is watching the final scene of DANK on the clubhouse’s deluxe, flat-screen television. We only see the very last, panoramic shot of the movie and we all watch the credits begin to roll. For a bunch of drunken, costumed partiers, it’s pretty mellow. It looks more like a church’s overnight, preteen lock-in than a swinger’s gala. The women emit an awwww, like “ain’t that sweet” -- obviously, the movie was considered to be a chick-flick. Everyone’s found someone else to cuddle with and blankets and cushions that were pulled from furniture litter the floor and are clumped in piles about the room. Only a few solitary boys are sitting in chairs. They’re quietly sharing a blunt, drinking 40s and playing dominoes with ASIMOV at a dimly-lit card table in the corner of the large room. A few joints are going around. There are murmurs about what a great movie it was, etc. It’s strangely quiet and somber for a party. AZALEA and RONNIE return through the room’s only entrance.)
CAMEO FIVE
(Mopping-up tears with CAMEO SIX:) That’s the bestest movie ever!
CAMEO SIX
It’s beautiful.
AZALEA
(Effortlessly bringing up the lights slowly. People squint.) I hate to break up the party folks, but I have a short announcement.
(There are a few ad libs as everyone has been wondering for the last few hours why there isn’t an exit from the room, where she’s been, why the only other doors lead only to restrooms, why the windows make a hum, where the extra ice is, why the cell phones won’t work and why they can’t leave the way they came in cuz the main door is locked. AZALEA starts to explain it all several times. Finally:)
AZALEA (Cont’d)
I can answer all those questions if you all will just give me a moment to explain.
SIMAK
(Cuddling with ACTRESS ALPHA:) Go on Lassie, it’s time you told them.
AZALEA
Folks, I’m not who you think I am. I’m really from a time in your future. My name is Azalea 11-65, and I’m really just a showgirl from Las Vegas trying to get to an intergalactic beauty pageant that I’m determined to win at all costs. I'm from the year 99-69 to be exact and Rio, Zack and Cliff are all crewmen on a big, scary-looking, military spaceship that was taking me and my girlfriends to the pageant on another planet. We got wildly thrown into a quantum paradox and we were wisked-away across time to Lost Angeles and now, I need your help to set it all right again. (Pause. Everyone seems to be taking it in stride, but she measures her next words as she feels as if she’s about to cause a panic among these cave dwellers of the past.) There's this one other thing; this room isn’t really part of my apartment building. We’re really aboard a time-shuttle, and it's the year 99-69 now, and we're halfway across The Universe, orbiting the Planet Zeta.
(Effortlessly, she makes the windows show what is truly outside -- the rings of Zeta, First Orbit. Ventura coasts nearby, heading to the planet itself. All of the 21st-Century cameos, to include the domino players, immediately rush to the windows, excited and amazed. There is no fear or apprehension among the cameos, only excitement and new-found energy, like sleepy tourists in flight who are suddenly made aware that they are cruising over The Grand Canyon on the 4th of July. Only SIMAK and ASIMOV remain seated. Being in space ain’t exactly new to them, and neither is the notion of Zeta. AZALEA notes HEINLEIN’S absence.)
AZALEA
Zack, where’s Rio?
ASIMOV
Oh no! He wuss speeing enya and musta got threwn from ze airlick!
(Big frowny face. After all, Rio’s his best friend.)
SIMAK
Easy, lad! He musta gone onto that other ship there, The Ventura, now.
ASIMOV
Villy? Youth sink so?
SIMAK
Of course he did! You think Mr. Heinlein couldn’t open up a maintenence hatch and stowaway unawares-now?
ASIMOV
Yiss, I mean, no, I mean, yiss, I mean-
SIMAK
Of course he can, lad! So what makes you think he’s got all thrown from an airlock now?
ASIMOV
E dinno, E mista bi tewvorried ebit em and me meaned plead trixon me.
SIMAK
(Crossing to RONNIE and AZALEA:) Of course! Of course! (To AZALEA:) Think it’s time you come clean, lass. Tell 'em why they're here.
AZALEA
If I could have your attention once more, please. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but I’ve really brought you all here to ask you if you could provide me with something of yours that I know everyone treasures more than anything else in the world, but I truily have no other choice. It pains me to ask, and I promise you that no matter what your answer is, you all will be returned back to Lost Angeles in your own time whether you can oblige me or not. No one has to grant me what I know is truly a huge favor.
(Everyone standing at the window seems ready to comply.)
CAMEO EIGHT
Whatcha want from us, Miss Zale?
AZALEA
I know it’s a lot to ask, and I wouldn’t even try if the circumstances weren’t truly dire, but we’re in a paradox and you all might be our only way out.
CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE
You’ve saved us all on countless occasions, Miss Zale. What do you need from us?
AZALEA
In our time, we wouldn’t dare ask anyone, it's unthinkable -- but desperate times call for desperate measures. I mean, if you were Zetan, the forms of consent would have to be filed in triplicate-
CAMEO FIFTEEN
Spit-it-out, babe, whatcha want?
RONNIE
Please, for humanity’s sake, we need a small, living sample of your D-N-A.
(A blank pause.)
CAMEO SEVENTEEN
Huh? (Like a dream come true. A la Don Johnson in A Boy And His Dog:) Hey, Lady, no problem!
CAMEO FOURTEEN
I got a sample for ya right here!
(Others look to one another curiously. AZALEA misreads it.)
AZALEA
You understand it would have to be a living sample. A sample of you.
(No protestations.)
AZALEA
We would have to actually put a swab in your mouth to extract living cells from the inside of your cheek-
(Reactions, like, “No big deal, lady.” Everyone gets it. They’ve all watched enough C-S-I to know how it goes.)
AZALEA (Cont’d)
(Thinks they just don’t understand the gravity of it. In her time, no one would ever even think of administering a breath test or requiring a urine sample for anything. According to laws of the future, a person’s specific D-N-A code is all that’s ever inherently owned by an individual, not the image, only the self:) Living cells of yours that we would use for our own purposes.
CAMEO NINE
That ain’t no problem Z, you want it now?
AZALEA
(Stunned, not realizing it was going to be this easy.) Uh-Wha-Sure!
(RONNIE produces a med-kit with swabs and little baggies as the cameos cross to the pair, lining up to get swabbed. RONNIE puts on latex gloves and hands a pair to AZALEA.)
AZALEA (Cont’d)
Whoa! That went much easier than I thought it would. I didn’t even have to bribe them.
RONNIE
Or have to use sex as a weapon. I’m sure glad we didn’t have to resort to Plan B.
AZALEA
(Knowingly; sotto:) Operation A-E-I-O-B? All-Eggs-In-One-Basket? Ha! So am I.
RONNIE
(Begins swabbing CAMEO ONE. After getting swabbed, the cameo grabs another drink, lights a smoke, and goes back to the windows. A comet races closely by, falling into the planet below; no reaction from anyone; it must be quite common here, to those new to space, it's all equally amazing.) If it was this easy for us, how do you think it might be with Mr. Clarke?
AZALEA
(Putting on latex gloves:) Talking with the Titans can be unnerving. It's very intimidating to confront our essence. They’re easily-agitated -- they do like music, however... We can only hope.
RONNIE
Mr. Clarke’s got a steel-trap mind. They won’t shake him.
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