Scene 7.23 - An Adorable Acquisition
EST: INT. Cell Annex, April, 1813
(CAMPY stands in a corner on one leg while juggling small fruit and balancing a small stack of books on his head. Like an unusual zoo exhibit, a small taunting crowd share in the thrills and wonders of trashy-mask trespassers on display for everyone to see. Bonafide family entertainment, a small cluster of children gather to throw pebbles and coffee beans at the younger of the two caged animals on display. MONTY relaxes over a warm cup of java and a small, fashioned clipboard containing his studies on the door that encompasses one wall of their cell.)
CAMPY
Four thousand, seven hundred and sixty-eight, four thousand, seven hundred and sixty-nine. Done.
MONTY
Good. Now, in Greek...
CAMPY
"One, two, three...."
STREET URCHIN
"Look! The man that can speak like a parrot is teaching his boyfriend how to count in our formal tongue..."
WOMAN
(Colloquial:) "Yes, but can he ever say it with the proper dialect?"
(The crowd laughs, CAMPY drops a mango. The crowd laughs again, he drops a tangerine and more laughs, he bends over to retrieve them, hits his head on the wall and slips in place, falling, squashing both fallen fruit with a cheek apiece. The crowd roars. CAMPY eats the remaining banana, pouting in his clownish outfit, the outfit offered by the same folks that give him food.)
MONTY
"Hey, this man who talks like a parrot can understand every word yall are sayin', so either offer suggestions or butt-out..."
TOURIST IN CROWD
"Do you really think you can find a way out?"
MONTY
"Getting out is easy -- I'm trying to find a way in. Don't suppose any of you know about this door-within-a-door-thing, do you?"
LITTLE BOY
"Hey mister! Can your boyfriend dance?"
MONTY
(Pointing to nearby stack of hay:) "Ain't you the kids that have been haulin' away our... our..."
CHILD BURIED AMONG LEGS IN CROWD
"Stinky! Stinky!"
LITTLE ONE
"We got an outhouse for us in the alley yonder... it's where we poop!"
MONTY
"I shore appreciate it. With all the food you all have been offerin' us for a week now keepin' us fed and full o' coffee -- and how ya little grunions been visitin' us with them smiles every day and all, it makes me feel right guilty to not be fully appreciative. Whatchoo kids wanna see my boyfriend do? Dance?"
(The small, masked children immediately-show excitement.)
MONTY
Hey Campy! Stop counting and start dancing.
CAMPY
Dancing?
MONTY
That or ya get a purple nurple...
CAMPY
A purple nurple?
MONTY
You don't want one, believe me. Come on, this is how we're survivin' already; earn your bacon and make the best of it and go-to!
CAMPY
Well, there ain't no music playin.'
MONTY
Hey kiddos, my buddy needs some music -- think you can sing a tune for him?
(One small child begins the chant and the other kids, then all the spectators and a few passers-by join in by singing the popular folk tune which gets faster and faster, until at the end of the song, CAMPY collapses and a small pile of fruits, vegetables, cloth items and jewelry from the fans outside pour in from the holes in the cell in tribute to the entertaining pair. The song is of course, sung in Ebonics, but apparently is of a language unknown to both MONTY and CAMPY.)
SMALL CHILD AND CROWD
"Going on and on and on and on,
The beat don't stop 'till the break of dawn,
Dem Olmec gals be lookin' all [fly; hot; cool; sweet]
Dem Olmec boys be [walkin' by; smokin' pot; playin' da fool; rockin' da beat]
Like the lime to the cherry and the lemon to the peach,
Theyz lessons we learn and da lessons we teach,
Move to jungle rap, [loosen/tighten-up/saddle-up/toke-it-up] and crunk,
2x: [They smokin' weed and talkin' noise, can't you smell the funk?; It ain't the motor under the hood, it's the paper in the trunk!; Think you thought you can out-think me but that's just what you thunk.;Sober girls around me, they be actin' like they dru-uh-unk.]"
(The crowd goes wild.)
MONTY
Campy, you missed your calling -- you sure got some moves! What was that one, the one that was like --??
CAMPY
I call that "The Robot."
MONTY
What's a robot?
CAMPY
Just a variation off the Row-boat, just jerkier, that's all.
MONTY
I see. (To kids:) "Was that funny, watching my boyfriend dance?"
LITTLE ONE
"Oh yes! Please have him dance some more!"
(They all agree.)
MONTY
"Maybe tomorrow, kiddos, he needs some rest and I need to solve this door problem..."
LITTLE BOY
"Hey Mister! You talkin' bout the door you see there or the little one behind it with the big ball?"
MONTY
"The big- how do you know there's another door behind this one?"
LITTLE BOY
"This is the smartest one of us -- Terfer..."
TERFER
"I'm Terfer."
LITTLE BOY
"He's seen it all -- Terfer -- He's not only the smartest of us, he's the smallest; I bet he can fit inside if'n he goes all sideways-"
TERFER
"I can git my whole head in there! I knows I could even get inside!"
LITTLE BOY
"Show him, Terfer!"
(A small lad easily-fits through one of the cell's many cavities in the stone and enters the cell.)
MONTY
"Well aren't you a perfectly-proportioned, limber young man! Remember, Terfer, big things come in small packages..."
TERFER
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
MONTY
"Uh... Diamonds... the point is, young man, is that I know that this door is supposed to move forward so this sword can reach that knot on the other side of the room in there. Whatcha say ya go in there with this little torch and look at the insides there real good and come back and draw-it-up for me on this piece of paper I made here, like a little map, you understand?"
TERFER
"Huh-uh, we're not spost to do that. I'll go in, tho..."
MONTY
"Ah, that's right, an edict for illiteracy -- well, that's gonna change for you and your friends, you can bet on that -- and your parents, I'm gonna teach them to read too when I get out of here..."
TERFER
"We ain't got no kin; they's all sick and dead or got kilt by the white man or got et by them tribes down South -- we's all orphans."
MONTY
"A darn shame, you kids livin' off scraps and comin' round to feed us and give us water. It don't seem right, taking your charity..."
TERFER
"Shucks, it's nuthin', Man, we like helpin' ya out, since you and your boyfriend are shore alot more worser-off than we is, folks all say you gonna die in here like them others all did before..."
MONTY
"Well wouldn't it be cool if we proved them wrong? Tell you what, you can take whatever you want that all these nice folks gawking at us threw in here and you can take it all back to your friends if you go in there and walk where I tell you and all you have to do is tell me what you see. Sound like something you could do for me, Terfer?"
TERFER
"Shore 'assell can!"
MONTY
"Good, but be sure not to touch anything! Watch where you step and don't pull or push anything! I know that wall there is supposed to be able to move inward and I don't want you to get squashed in there. You ever see a bug get squashed?"
TERFER
"Oh yeah! I squish bugs all the time, specially them big 'us -- they go splat!"
MONTY
"Well if you don't wanna go splat, don't do nothin' I don't tell you to do when you're in there. You ready?"
TERFER
"Born ready."
CAMPY
(Finally getting it:) Are you telling that little kid to go into that deathtrap? Have you lost your mind?
(TERFER steps into the three-foot by sixteen-inch gap that's been eroded and whittled-away over time to nearly four-feet-by-over-eighteen-inches in places and easily eases-in sideways, his head and shoulders and hips being the only tight-spots.)
MONTY
He's the only one small enough! "Here's the torch! Walk three steps forward into the center of the room, what do you see?"
TERFER
"There's a big ball kinda cracked-open like a big nut, but not really open atall."
MONTY
"Good, look to the floor, what's on the sides of the room? Are there grooves?"
TERFER
"Like little tunnels half-way out of the ground? Yeah. There's two of 'em."
MONTY
"Okay, now turn around and face me."
(The boy suddenly drops the torch and begins to cry. More frightened that he's in the dark, but relieved he doesn't see the-)
MONTY
"Terfer! Terfer! What's in there lad!? Terfer!"
TERFER
"They's a bunch a people, squashed like bugs - that - went - splat! Ahhhhaaaaaahhhh!"
MONTY
"Come on out, Boy, just walk to the light. I got you, come one out, you're okay, nothing's gonna hurt you. There, see? Out in the light again, all your friends are here. You did good -- Look, you get all this jewelry -- any of them girls over there your girlfriend?"
TERFER
"Nah. I like no one special."
MONTY
"Well, you get some of them beads and give 'em to the girl you like whan you do like someone special and you remember that you were really brave to go in there and risk gettin' squashed like a bug and I'm real proud of you cuz you got more bravery inside that small body of yours than all the bravery inside all those big kids over there with them sour looks all put together."
TERFER
"Theyz the Lava boys. I'm braverest but they's stronger. Them guys are gonna take these beads as soon as I get out of here..."
MONTY
"Nah they won't. Stand up to them and they'll back off."
TERFER
"Oh yeah? Watch..."
(The tyke clears the cell and immediately the teen boys are on him.)
BULLY #1
"Whatcha got, short-stack? Okay Terfer, fork it over, what's yours is ours."
TERFER
"No, I'm keepin' this. You get plenty from us already, this is my take."
BULLY #2
"I don't think you understand."
MONTY
"Hey, leave the kid alone and pick on someone your own size."
BULLY #3
"Or what? Keep out of this, convict, or I will spit on you!"
CAMPY
What's up now? Is that kid with the flower mask working-up a hocker in his mouth?
MONTY
A bunch of bullies pushing around our little helper. I'd teach them a lesson, but it wouldn't look right if a guy my age whooped-
(CAMPY narrowly-dodges the loogy.)
CAMPY
Hey!
BULLY #1
(Throwing pebbles at MONTY:) "Run to the other side of your cage, before we put a spear to this hole and gorge you from afar!"
MONTY
"Gorge me from afar!?! Spear to the-" Campy, I think I've solved it!
CAMPY
Solved what? Hey can you tell this punk in Greek or whatever that if he throws another pebble at me, I'll take a pebble of my own and shove-it-up his-
BULLY #2
"This is all you got? Go back in there and get the rest, Terfer! You owe us! (Smacks the kid, he flinches.) Two for flinching!"
CAMPY
Tell him that if he wants to take someone on, he can take me on.
MONTY
"Hey jock-strap! My boyfriend says on his worst day he could still kick your ass with one arm tied behind his back."
BULLY #3
"I'd like to see him try it! There's three of us and only two of you-"
MONTY
"He don't need me to kick your butts, you'll practically kick your own butts for him, as clumsy as you all are."
BULLY #2
"Clumsy?"
(MONTY has manged to take the lance of Cassandra and push it outward, behind the youth and whacks him on the thighs with it, causing the teen to tumble and crash-into another teen, knocking both over. TERFER laughs. The bully still standing grabs the end of the staff and pokes MONTY in the gut with its blunt end and pins him to the ground, winded. Using the cell hole as a fulcrum, the thin teen, holding the majority of the staff, is able to pin MONTY with hundreds of pounds of pressure underneath by lifting the lance against the top of the cell hole near the floor, causing the short end remaining in the cell to pin MONTY fully.)
BULLY #1
(Getting up, drawing a bowstring with an arrow in hand.) "Hold him there."
TERFER
(Standing in front of the cell holes, in front of the drawn bow.) "No! You can have all the stuff! Don't hurt him! He's my friend!"
BULLY #1
"I'll get all your stuff anyway. Move out of the way, Terfer."
CAMPY
No! Don't! Fight me instead! Fight like a man! (Attempting Greek:) "Fist you all repeatedly when not group-hugging us."
BULLY #3
What???
MONTY
(MONTY translates:) "He says you boys should fight him instead."
BULLY #2
"Unfortunately, there's a cell door between us, so that's not gonna happen or I'd gladly oblige. He wouldn't last a second."
MONTY
(MONTY translates:) The boy with the pimple-mask says he'd like to see you try...
CAMPY
Last warning, numb-nuts.
MONTY
(MONTY translates.) "He say: Last warning."
BULLY #1
(Aiming the bow at CAMPY:) "Or what? There's a big, locked door there and-"
(A la "The Fonz" -- CAMPY pounds a space in the doorjamb near the latch to the outer door, it swings open. Surprised, the teen boys hardly-react as CAMPY takes the bow away from BULLY#1, chucks it aside, breaks the arrow, slaps BULLY#1 five times with alternating sides of his hand, dodges a punch from BULLY#2, throws him into a nearby pile of hay and... fertilizer... and blocks a kick from BULLY#3, catches it on its deployment and swings him around to go flying-into the same, fore-mentioned mound of manure. He looks to BULLY#1; his mouth open, cheeks reddened and still looking to be in shock. CAMPY quickly slaps him three more times and this time gets a reaction. BULLY#1 cries. A fifteen-year-old mammoth of muscle, balling like a baby. The crowd disperses, fearful now that the cell door is wide open. MONTY, having freed himself by moving towards the cell wall, pulls the lance back inside the cell and uses it to help-himself-up from the ground. He stands at the cell door and shakes his head.)
BULLY #1
(The boys run away.) "I'm gonna tell my daddy and he'll have all of you killed for this! Daddy! Daaaahhhdeeeee!"
(The men look to one another and shake their heads. They look to TERFER and TERFER returns the same reaction.)
TERFER
"Pitiful. What a wuss. Just like recess..."
MONTY
"Yep, and holiday break..."
CAMPY
"And fire-drills."
MS: The trio
MONTY & TERFER & CAMPY
"NO CLASS!"
LITTLE BOY
"That was sometin' else, Terfer! Never saw anyone stand up to the chief's son like that."
CAMPY
Dunno whatchyallrilly sayin' but I doubt that's the end of that, Casino. Better tell the little ones to git before he comes back.
MONTY
"My boyfriend speaks true -- you should get along, Terfer, we don't wanna git you in trouble here."
TERFER
"They don't know who's in my posse, but they knows who I is. I'm a dead duck; so I might as well as stick it out with you guys."
MONTY
"Where we're going is just too dangerous."
TERFER
"Danger is my middle name."
MONTY
(Moved:) "That's a brave boy..." Close the door, Campy, the lad is stayin' with us and comin' along.
CAMPY
Comin' along? So you figgered-out the lock?
MONTY
I sure did! Two men, strong as ten -- I was hung up on that until I saw it -- a lever! We use this pike as a lever!
CAMPY
I don't follow.
MONTY
First, we move this wall to the proper position -- the ones in there that got squashed like a bug tried to do it from the inside --
CAMPY
There's more dead people in there? You mean like... bodies?
MONTY
Help me hold this pike up and push the panel on the other side -- no, the one that looks like the sun; the Ra symbol, no, to the left-
CAMPY
I can't see nuthin'!
MONTY
Then hold it steady. (Scrape. Click.) "Terfer, help him hold it-" There!
(The wall suddenly parts horizontally, going flush with the sides, shedding dusty skeletons and revealing a dank, mossy platform of flagstones before a second door, held together and securely-locked by a tightly-wound knot of finely-woven braids of wire.)
MONTY
The Gordian Knot.
(TERFER and CAMPY both step forward toward the door, MONTY quickly turns the pike to a horizontal position to bar the two from moving in front of him. Immediately, a newer, grander mob of folk take notice and intently-watch the events in the cell...)
MONTY (Cont'd)
No! It's not in its final place yet, it's a trick to lure you in, before- (Pause.) "Watch. I'll show you."
(He picks up a small coconut from the ground -- chucked inside after Campy's disco rendition. The coconut bounces and rolls across the floor and rests on a flagstone that ever-so-slightly sinks from the weight- and BLAM! The two sliding doors meet again and quickly slide away from the trio in the cell and moves only inches away from the Gordian Knot. There is no sign of the coconut or the skeletal remains that were caught in the mechanism, but one can surely imagine... squashed like a bug.)
TERFER
"Like a big bug -- big splat."
MONTY
"You said it, Terfer." Now Campy, look how this hilt of this sword can fit over the end of this pike -- see? And see how when it's blade-up, this sword fits into that knot just perfectly? Now, if we use this outer door that's moved-in close to the keyhole to act as a fulcrum -- provided these jerks that tried to pry-their-way-in over the centuries didn't wear-it-away too much -- we should have enough force to open the lock the way it was intended, and these serrated blades are sized just right...
LOCAL IN MARKET PLACE
Make way for the Elder of The Mountain!
(OLAF in yet-another dual role found within this story, towers-over the formerly-bullying trio and addresses our heroes from outside of the cell.)
OLAF
"Who dares to strike my son, heir to the mountain throne?"
MONTY
"The boy needed to be taught a lesson, he's no good to anyone as a bully, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing him up like that-"
OLAF
"You dare to speak to me this way?"
MONTY
"I'll tell you anyway you can hear it if you'll listen to what I'm saying -- your boy needs to start acting like a man, he's old enough."
OLAF
"I shall have you slain for such words of insolence..."
MONTY
"Promises, promises... You really can't threaten the condemned, so I'd love to stay and chat, but we got other places to be..."
OLAF
"Silly man! You think you have solved the riddle of the vault? No man can untie that knot -- many have reached the second door as you, but none have ever untied the knot. Come out here and die honorably before that trap gets the best of you and robs me of my satisfaction..."
MONTY
All right boys, lean into this staff as hard as you can, press down. "Terfer! Hang off the end of the staff! Bounce on it!"
OLAF
"Men, open that door and drag them out -- I want their heads... Your efforts are in vain, white man -- no one can untie the Gordian Knot..."
MONTY
"I already know that, dumbass, but if you read once in a while, you'd know that when Alexander solved the riddle of the Gordian Knot, he didn't untie it-"
CAMPY
Push!
MONTY
"He...cut it!"
(Suddenly, a long cable stretched deep within the knot gives way to the lever-aided slice of the keyhole sword and a raspy untwining is heard throughout the complex. The massive stone door opens, inviting the three inside. Far, far above, little bird-sized shutters of stone open -- allowing a few, small pinholes of light to enter the chamber, illuminating a dim hallway within.)
MAN IN CROWD
(Singing:) "Cassandra has returned! The prophecy has spoken! The knot has been turned! The seal has been broken!"
(A crowd of people chant along, spreading the news.)
OLAF
"Stop! Archers! Now! Kill them!"
MONTY
"Come on, boys, let's make a run for it!"
(CAMPY, not comprehending all the Greek words, understands the intent and follows on MONTY'S heels.The young men sprint blindly into the hall, the massive stone doors, finding a course within, slowly begin to close again, enabling a secondary lock.)
OLAF
"Hurry! Get this door open! Shoot him now! He's escaping into the vault! Kill him! Don't let him live! Shoot now! Shoot!"
(MONTY, cool and aware, pauses, does an about-face and swats a few arrows away.)
OLAF (Cont'd)
(Smacks the lead archer on the arm, lightly:) No, no, no, you dolt! Not him, the boy! Kill the boy! The boy!
(TERFER, running-blindly into a dark hallway, doesn't hear the chieftan's words. CAMPY, leading the way, wouldn't comprehend them if he did hear them. MONTY remarks with a double-take and glares at OLAF, their eyes meet -- MONTY reads him reading him and both become aware of the other's motivation simultaneously. MONTY turns and hits a secret latch on a bas-relief, looking back at the Elder of The Mountain, aware that awesome answers await within. The door silently closes and latches, the cut cable re-twines itself with aid of an odd, mechanical loom. The "cut" Gordian Knot claps back-into place.)
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