Scene 4.11 - The Trouble With Truffles
INT. Men's Room of Palladium Theatre
(We see under a closed, toilet-stall door. CLARKE'S trousers are lowered and we hear groans and sick splashes into the toilet. He goes back and forth from deficating to regurgitating and we see the shoes do a quick about-face and return as this is going on almost simultaneously. CLARKE'S miserable. The men walk inside the restroom and hear the agony first-hand, stoicly watching in silence.)
WELLS
Clarke? Clarke! Are you okay?
CLARKE
Err, I'm fine, doctor!
WELLS
Do you need any medical assistance?
CLARKE
No-ugh! Aaaah!
HEINLEIN
He's doesn't sound too good.
WELLS
(Waving the air, lighting a match:) It doesn't smell too good, either!
CLARKE
Are you two here to visit, or here to see if I can take a dump all by myself or what?
HEINLEIN
It sounds like you're puking too, you might need something to help your stomach.
(With WELLS' matchbook, HEINLEIN lights the fattest joint seen yet.)
ASIMOV
I need somezing to hep my stomach! I've got ze munchies! (Sees lit joint, does double-take:) Oy vey, weary nice! (No accent:) Is that a joint? (Accent:) Iz zat ze Hindenberg? Oh, ze humanity! Ze blimp iss going up in za flames!
CLARKE
Is that Asimov? Did you bring the whole crew in here to revel in my misery, Doctor?
WELLS
We're worried, Clarke, that's all. It's one thing to say that you're a Virginian and that you've got some superior immune system, a second heart and a back-up pair of eyelids, but this country doctor knows that's all just East-Coast hogwash! You blue-blooded New-England types think you can't come down with a cold the same way as us rednecks do, but I've seen enough in my day to make the hogs at the county fair seem- Clarke! You haven't interrupted me, you're not arguing with me. Clarke? You okay?
ASIMOV
It sure git weary quiet in zair.
WELLS
Clarke? (Knocks on door, close.) Clarke? Are you conscious?
HEINLEIN
Maybe we should jimmy the door.
ASIMOV
I don't vahnt to see vaht's on ze uzzer side!
WELLS
Clarke, are you there? (Pause.) Say something!
SOUND: Plop!
POV: Ground level, like the first shot in the scene.
(We hear splashing noises and suddenly, out falls a puke-and-"mud"-covered-looking-snake-thing with big eyes and teeth, much like the alien in Alien. It leaps from the toilet bowl, leaving a splash, and scurries past the men, who react in horror. The joint gets dropped, the alien-looking thing does a one-eighty, the men back away out of its path and it goes back to pick up the joint and quickly slides across the little hexagon tiles, under the stalls to a corner of the room, behind a toilet seat.)
ASIMOV
(Wide-eyed, in horror, leaning against a sink.) Ayieee! Vaht vas zat?
HEINLEIN
(Hands still grasping top of door of adjacent toilet stall; like he was planning to use it to lift his feet from the ground if that thing came near him again:) Did that thing come out of the toilet, his mouth or his-
ASIMOV
I don't vahnt to know!
WELLS
(Surprised, but never mortified in the least. It must be a doctor thing:) You boys are over-reacting. Probably some Tellusian tapeworm or something. That's nature for you. I warned Clarke that something like this might happen. (Raps door again, louder.) Clarke! Are you okay?
CLARKE
Oh, ugh, oh I feel much better now. Gimme a minute. I'll be right out.
HEINLEIN
Hey Clarke, did that thing come out of your mouth or your-
CLARKE
(We hear a toilet-paper roll being unrolled from the dispenser:) Err... Don't ask.
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