Scene 9.04 - What Happened?
ANIMATION STYLE 2
EST: INT. Sickbay, U.S.S.S. Enrapture
CU: Odd medical panel with red lights and up-and-down slidey things
SOUND: A heartbeat-ish "Bump, Bump, Bump, Bump..."
ZOOM OUT
MS: VERNE IN HOSPITAL BED
(VERNE is lying in bed, slowly awakening from a stimulant. ENSIGN LO and CLARK are attending.)
LO
He should be coming around now, Sir.
CLARK
Captain, Captain.
VERNE
(Sotto:) The dream is crumbling! The sleepers awake! (Fully awake:) Huh? Clarke. Where are we?
CLARK
Sickbay.
LO
We brought you in.
CLARK
What happened, Captain?
VERNE
Clarke, I've got a way out; but to... where?
CLARK
Ensign, what in Appalachian Annie's Anus did you give him? He isn't making any sense.
LO
Quatrazine. Just two drops. He's a big man; I thought he could take it, sir.
CLARK
He must have been given an overdose; he sounds delusional.
VERNE
Clarke, what happened to your ears?
CLARK
My ears? There's nothing wrong with my- You may be feeling a bit out-of-place and paranoid, sir. It's a side-effect of the stimulant that Ensign Lo gave you.
LO
I told ya, I thought he could take it; no tolerance. If only Doctor George were here.
CLARKE
Ensign Lo-
LO
(To VERNE, with gentle hands on shoulders pushing him back from sitting up, her ample cleavage in full view:) Just relax, sir.
VERNE
Lo? I don't get the joke, man. How'd I get here, and where is here? Why is Lily all dolled-up like a hot nurse and where'd she buy such a nice rack? We shore ain't got those in the replicator and last I knew; Doc won't do boob-jobs or any other elective surgeries. They're so... big! ...Uh, Ensign. Okay, okay, where am I really, and what's the joke? What's really going on?
CLARK
Ensign Lo is our head nurse, and is caring for you, and she has always been a... 34-C?
LO
(Poses a little.) Thirty-six C, all natural and proud of it!
CLARK
I stand corrected.
VERNE
The Lily I remember is flat as Kansas. You once told me you won the "A-Cup" at a wet-T-shirt fundraiser for breast cancer while you were in college.
LO
(Indignant:) I most certainly did not!!! Sir, I must have given him too much!
CLARKE
(Tokes, waves fingers about.) Do you recognize the environment surrounding you?
VERNE
(Suddenly out-of-place:) No... It looks a-lot like Doc's sickbay aboard the Eliza, but that's gone now. I must be hallucinating or something...
CLARK
(Confers:) Although I am no doctor, Ensign, my Vulcanian roots have supplied me with ancient knowledge of the best home-remedy for a quatrazine overdose for when Vulcanians get foolhearty at parties. May I?
LO
He's all yours, sir. I've dosed him all that I'm gonna. He can't stop staring at my tits.
CLARK
(Sparks a joint, passes.) Captain, do you remember what happened? How did you find the Commodore? Do you know why the Commodore is in a coma?
VERNE
(Deeply toking.) Mrrrrrrr-hmmm! Hmmmmmm! Ummmmm! Phrmummmmmmm!
LO
Her medical records indicate that her immunity to the A-G virus was due to a neural malady. Could this be one of her spells? You're specialty is in neurology, sir, perhaps you could read more from these charts than I.
VERNE
(Realizes an acute possibility. Sighs.) Hey Clarke, I think could also use a shot of Saurian brandy... this is some heavy grass.
(LO makes it happen with a replicator.)
CLARK
Fascinating. (Beat.) Are you still feeling delirious sir, or can you resume your duties of commanding this ship?
VERNE
Thank you... Ensign. (Sips.) I'm not delirious, I don't think. I'll get to runnin' the ship innaminnut. Just... (Waves a cupped hand towards his own face, fanning it.) Fill me in.
CLARK
Gladly. Where shall I start?
VERNE
First and foremost: What in Harry Houdini's Hostel of Haberdashery and Hares is going on?
(The two relax a bit as the joint gets passed; he's sounding and acting more like the Captain Sickle that they know and mostly love.)
LO
It's good to hear you talking like your old self, but are you sure you're feeling right, Captain?
VERNE
Why? Why? Don't I seem alright? Why is everyone always asking if I'm right? Of course I'm right. I've been deemed "Perfectly Sane", according to the-
CLARKE
No one is doubting your sanity, Captain. Logically, we are concerned. Earlier, when you awoke you seemed quite disoriented...
VERNE
Nah, nah, nah, spark another J, I'm fine. Go on, shoot! Talk ta me, Clarke, I'm all ears. What's been happening on this end?
CLARK
(Clears throat.) I was beaming you aboard this vessel from a quantum signature and the ion storm made the dials fluctuate and instead of your singular energy pattern, I received two distinct signatures within the beam. One of you, and one of The Commodore.
VERNE
And naturally, you were successful at landing the two of us here without harm; despite what I imagine were great odds to the contrary...
CLARK
(Could it have been said better? Is that a smile we see creeping in as he looks down modestly and checks his Captain for approval?) Well, it did require extreme focus on the Vulcanian Teachings of Odd-Noget to conceptualize the calculations required to formulate the precise influx sequencing for successful extraction of two independent host beings caught in quantum-transit while simultaneously being thrown through an ionian time-fluct-
VERNE
(Waits to strike like a salivating cobra.) Nope! Doesn't ring a bell. (Circles hand around face.) I must have-a summa temporary amnesia thing going on. (Beat.) What else? (Drops head, beckons with a limp wave towards his own ear.) Keep it comin' -- I got all day.
CLARK
Yes. (Half-breath, interrupts his aversion:) You were ranting like a madman, sir. Quite unbecoming, sir.
VERNE
Oh yeah, what was I saying?
CLARK
Er, I don't precisely recall.
VERNE
Then how do you know it was madness, then? Perhaps I was just ranting about something that you couldn't comprehend and you wrote it off as crazy talk because I had lost you or something. We gotta work on this together, Clarke. Easy on the accusations...
LO
You were holding the Commodore in your arms, and you were both buck naked as a couple o' jaybirds. You remember that?
VERNE
I don't think I'd forget something like that... but apparently so. An ion storm? What the hell is that? And what's this about a naked Commodore? He ain't maybe-gay-bee, is he?
CLARK
Yes. She is. She's also in a coma. Commodore Zale has had a medical history of spells, but Admiral Jeremy knew the particulars of her case better; but since the Admiral has vansihed along with the rest of our crew, it seems she won't be able to help us much. Perhaps you could-
VERNE
-Look her over. No problemo. (Beat.) Admiral Jeremy- (Sits up. Paranoia. Suspects it. Plays along.) Vanished, huh? Thin air and all? (Pause. Tokes.) So, uh... Clarke: Where's Doc?
CLARK
Dr. George has also vanished mysteriously, along with most of the crew.
VERNE
Dr. George? (More surprise on WELLS' name, but it is read by CLARK differently.) Is that so?
CLARK
Yes, I am afraid it is. The storm's temporal rift took them. Only Ensign Lo, myself and a precious handful of officers who have merged with a dream-like self remain; it's intriguing.
VERNE
(Confirmed.) All vanished, huh?
CLARK
Yes. Without a trace. We have detailed accounts of those who went slowly.
VERNE
Merged with a dream-like consciousness of self, through self-awareness-
LO
A cosmic consciousness.
VERNE
A cosmic con game, I suspect.
CLARK
Described as a form of trancendental enlightenment; an abandonment of corporal form-
VERNE
Those ears are really part of you, right? Not make-up or nuthin'?
CLARK
Is this another one of your attempts at the human form of a joke? Yes, sir. These are my ears. I am a Vulcanian. (Flat:) Ha ha.
VERNE
Vulcanian... that's the second or third time you said that... You know, something's still not adding up, Clarke, but I don't see enough of this picture yet to put this puzzle together; we're gonna need patience.
CLARK
All jokes aside, we're in a desperate situation.
(Playfully sits up and taps CLARKE'S tricep as he swings his legs from the bed.)
VERNE
No, not really. Relax, Chum. (Beat.) I'm gonna need to look at the ship's library tapes and take a closer look at Azalea's brain-
CLARK
Azalea?
VERNE
Commodore Azalea, whatever. The chick in the coma over there.
CLARK
Commodore Zale.
VERNE
Yeah... (Touches her. Yep.) Ugh. (Beat.) This sickbay gotta john around here?
CLARK
Sir?
VERNE
A latrine. Nearby. That transporter trip was kinda... unsettling.
CLARK
Um... (Looks down.) You have your own private latrine in your quarters sir, and also the one in your ready room.
VERNE
(Grabs the bottle of brandy.) In my ready room? Hyquwooo! Why didn't I think of that?
CLARK
Sir?
VERNE
Lily, pipe me up a fresh uniform, and put Aza- Commodore Freshface on ice until I come back with a span- some... surgical tools. I got some reading to do. Clarke, go play chess with yourself or practice on that lute thing you think sounds so cool and I'll meet you on the bridge at 16-20 and we'll toke up; have a little pow-wow; get this all sorted out, 'kay?
CLARK
Are you feeling all right, sir? Should I inspect the workings of the transporter? Do you know what has happened here, sir?
VERNE
Clarke; I most certainly do. And lucky for you it was me cuz I'm the Q-P expert and sure as shims on a Chevy I am gonna get this 'ol ship right-as-rain again.
(He walks briskly to the door of the supply closet to the right of the exit and stops as soon as the panel opens and he realizes-)
VERNE
Still, a little, disoriented, tho -- catch ya topside, Clarke.
(SWISH!)
LO
Is the Captain all right, Mr. Clark?
CLARK
No, Ensign, the captain is not all right. Please remain here with the Commodore and alert me if her situation changes. Keep your phaser ready in case the Captain should return.
LO
Mr. Clark?
CLARK
Lock it on stun. He's not fully himself and I want no trouble. Understood?
LO
Yessir. What are you going to do, sir?
CLARKE
Apparently, I have some chess-playing and lute-playing to do. And after I review a few hundred monotonous moments with the log tapes and circuit holograms from the transporter room, I will certainly see to my chum, the Captain.
FTB
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