Scene Scene 7.03 - A New Game
EXT. U.S.S.S. Roanoke, December 25th, 7079.
FX: Space
ZOOM IN
EXT. U.S.S.S. Roanoke, VERNE'S small porthole
(The sight in space is overwhelming. A large black hole -- a micro quantum black hole with immense mass encompasses much of the background, slicing the panorama with a dark curtain of starless night -- although the ship is far, far away from the mighty monster of mass and is only gravitationally affected as if it were simply near a star of the same size. There is a small Einstein ring of bent light, representing the theoretical, yet-to-be encountered event horizon of the quantum mass. Light is bent near the horizon line of the star, much like heat waves bend light. The ship is rapidly approaching a thick asteroid field [much of it dust and gases, some notable boulders, tho] -- millions of miles away from the black star, and it lies in nearly on the other side of our panorama, yet much of our supercluster is also seen in this shot, as seen from the Eridanus Void.)
INT. VERNE'S QUARTERS
CG1: Dark Star 99-66-99, Roberts-McKinley Dark System, XOIOX Dark Galaxy, Eridanus Cluster, Virgo Supercluster
CG2: United States Space Ship Roanoke, December 25th, 7079
LOSE CG
INT. Ensign's Quarters
CU: Sleeping YOUNGER VERNE in his clean, modest, festive-colored quarters.
(BTW -- Modest is an overstatement. It's smaller than a 3rd-class cabin on a 3rd-rate cruise liner. There's a bunk. Yeah, and a magnetic foot locker underneath... And... Well, you can see right there to the right that there's a sink, and a toilet and a mirror. Oh yeah, over his bunk are assorted, hemp-paper lithographs of long-forgotten family and friends and a colorful poster for some even-more forgotten movies: Hairy Pothead And The Philosophical Stoner, Star Wars XXX: The CGI Menace and Star Trek MMX: The Search For Plot. Festive-colored must be an allusion to the mistletoe suspended over his bunk and the red bow taped to the mirror. Yeah, it's the Eighth-Millennium, all right. A holographic panel lights in mid-air, above the ensign's bunk.)
CG1: Recipient: Ensign Julian Rodham-Sickle, United States Navy
CG2: Date of Birth: 17 JUN 6969
CG3: Origin: 135 Castle Street, Newkirk, Oklahoma, United States of America, Planet Tellus, Sol System, Milky Way Galaxy, Local Group, Virgo Supercluster
CG4: Duty Position: Senior Medical Assistant/Protocol Officer, U.S.S.S. Roanoke, Section Kilo 7, Surgical Ward
CG5: Current Status: Administrative Leave
CG6: Today's Relative Date: 25 DEC 7079 (04:20 Greenwich Mean Time)
CG7: MSG: Doctor Sickle, please report to the observation deck immediately.
CG8: MSG INPUT: ("Texted" to the hologram in real time, we see it typed-out:) Get ur ass ovr 2 hngr 18 NOW!!!
LOSE CG
COMPUTER
(Quite fey, CAMEO EIGHTEEN:) Doctor Sickle, please report to the observation deck immediately.
(Strike one for the Earth-bound, male programmers of 7077, the ones who didn't allot to have a female voice for the ship's computer. As Captain Abraxas once noted, "I'm sure there's a special place for those geeks in the afterlife." Even after the programming was tampered-with, [Captain's Amended Order #84] the computer still reeks of testosterone; the computer's manly voice, when altered, sounds like a professional wrestler trying to be a fop in a children's movie. It is almost as annoying as a television-commercial car salesman's voice; yet the crew seems to tolerate it enough -- it marginally beats how it used to sound. It used to mimic a sick, Stephen Hawking-esque computer-sounding fugue of James Earl Jones, The Jolly Green Giant, Barry White and the phony voice amplification of the Wizard from the The Wizard Of Oz. Now, after the tinkerings of two rookie engineers and the ship's six best computer-game hackers, it's a vocal train-wreck: An unholy, auditory mix of Liberace, Andy Dick, Herve Villechaize, Paul Lynde, Charles Nelson Riley, Don Knotts, Michael Jackson, Truman Capote, Andy Warhol, Jim Neighbors and Droopy Dog. Perhaps some things are better left alone.)
COMPUTER (Cont'd)
"Ensign, Ensign. You are needed, immediately!"
VERNE
What is it?
COMPUTER
That information is classified, sir.
VERNE
Sure it is. Are we still exploring the Xoiox (Zoy-ox) Galaxy or are we heading to that pleasure planet like Captain Abraxas promised two weeks ago?
COMPUTER
That information is classified as well, sir.
VERNE
It -- What can you tell me?
COMPUTER
You have a message. It reads: "Get your ass over to hangar 18 now."
VERNE
Hangar 18? (Slow, unenthusiastic:) Tell Chewy I'll be right there.
CUT TO:
INT. Hangar 18
MS: Observatory Deck, "Hangar 18"
(The deck is like that in Dark Star, except much bigger. Dr. "Chewy-Louie" is played by the actor who plays CAMEO TWENTY-THREE, and both he and VERNE should have nuances to suggest that these men come from a time of natural birth. NOTE: With the exception of VERNE, who, in this scene, goes by Ensign Julian Rodham-Sickle [The former name of Jules Verne The 117th] all the other characters aboard The U.S.S.S. Roanoke are not connected with any other character in this book in any way. Make them all act differently, for they are entirely different characters. Like the difference between the first, Rod-Serling'ed Planet Of The Apes and the Tim Burton atrocity -- the one with Marky Mark. Or is it more like the difference between George Herbert and George Walker? Or is it possibly more like the difference between George Herbert Walker Bush and George Walker Bush? [I think by drawing that comparison, I've said plenty enough here already -- perhaps too much...] The big doors go: Swish! Sher-shrlop!)
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Ensign Sickle...
VERNE
Chewy...
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Get your narcoleptic ass over here...
VERNE
(Stung:) Whatcha got?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Doesn't notice, holds bottle aloft:) A botanical experiment.
VERNE
What is it?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I call it Symolea Spacia; a cognac distilled from a mix of weed, mushrooms, tobacco, salvia, coffee bean, cocaine and tequila.
VERNE
Sounds potent.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Try a shot.
VERNE
No way.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Merry Christmas, Dr. Sicko. (Stung him twice now:) You don't realize when it's time to have fun. You don't try anything new.
VERNE
We're exploring uncharted sectors of the biggest anomaly in the Universe and you don't think that's anything new?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Hey, come on, I'm your only friend; drink a shot with me. You're off duty until next week. I checked.
VERNE
Yes, but you're not my only friend. (Pretends his arm is being twisted:) Twist my arm -- Okay.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Lights green bowl, keeps it green, passes it:) The Annual Spacey's Christmas Parade will kick off in a few hours, I thought you might want to catch seeing the balloon floats... (Tokes. Ever-so-briefly glances up at the faint line of blackness at one edge of the half-astroglobe canopy above, sliced apart by an Einstein ring and an imperceptively-imperfect straight-line-seeming arc of nothingness across the rounded, transparent titanium. VERNE doesn't give it a glance, aloof of the environment and focused on his grogginess.) You're lookin' all serious. (Pause. Toke.) I suppose you're wondering why I really asked you to come up here.
VERNE
Yeah, you could say it crossed my mind. (Toke.) It may be morning somewhere on Earth, but it's the middle of the night for me on this side of the celestial sphere. That bowling tournament after-party on the holodeck went way too late for my old bones. (Chewy chuckles; Sickle is forty-one years younger than Chewy -- he still has much to learn about old bones.) Holograms don't understand the need for sleep. (Toke.) Neither do you, it seems. (Toke, pass.) I don't suppose you care, though, since you've been spending all your hours coming up here to zone-out and aimlessly talk to the ship...
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I'm just looking at the stars. (Toke. Pause. Toke.) Have you noticed how no one else comes up here anymore?
VERNE
I think most people would rather sleep. (Hits bowl, passes, blazes-up a cigarette.) You look like you need some yourself.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Breaks out a futuristic-yet-functional-and-space-worthy cribbage board and a deck of 52 cards.) Nah, trying to cut down. (Pause, afterthought:) I think it gets you when you sleep.
VERNE
(That sure sounded weird:) What gets you?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Hits it, passes, pulls out pegs. Tosses VERNE his sack and slides his paraphenalia box toward him. Casual:) I dunno; I'm calling it Insanefluenza -- Everybody except you seems affected.
VERNE
(Pulls out a tasty bud, uses table as a tray. Downs another shot.) What are you talking about?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
A virus, I think. Subtle differences, every day. I hear it in their tone. They're acting differently.
VERNE
Man, no one ever says anything nice to me. You think I'd notice if people were acting different?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Doctor Sickle, I need to know I can trust you. It's tricky; perhaps your insight could help. I need help.
VERNE
Chewy; talk to me. I'm just a neurosurgeon, so I doubt I'll be much help as a shrink, but (Pours two more shots) sometimes a person will tell their bartender things they won't tell their doctor. You gettin' all paranoid up here alone? Thinking the crew's gone bonkers? Losing your mind?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Yep. (Downs shot. Pause.) I don't think it's an irrational paranoia; I think the entire crew is either sick with radiation or may have contracted an alien virus.
VERNE
Okayden. (Downs shot, pours another.) That's a relief. For a second, I thought we were talking about you.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Adamant:) I'm not joking, Doctor. Cabin fever, I see the signs. I hang-out in the astrolab to cope with it myself. I'm going nuts; I'm not the only one. I feel like I wanna kill everyone around me.
VERNE
Listen, we're all under stress since we lost the main engine -- (Sees he is adamant.) What makes you think it's a virus? You think if there was a bug going around that someone in sick bay might have mentioned this to me between rounds?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I dunno, maybe I've really been too paranoid; but don't you think it's kinda funny how everyone who worked on the hull last week is on ice now?
VERNE
The captain put them in hibernation as a precautionary measure; he said so himself -- he was just exercising a routine quarantine procedure. I've seen it before, Chewy. It means nothing.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Listen to me; you don't get to see the bridge, I do. I'm telling you, I think that there was a little bug on that piece of dirt that hit us last week. I think that little bug is eating-up our brains from the inside out.
VERNE
A bug -- on the asteroid that took out our juicebox?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Abstractedly from an expert:) It didn't really take it out, it just made the quantum engine impossible to control so now it's worthless -- racked-full of spill-over paradox and impossible for us to really look before we leap. The rogue asteroid hit the starboard anti-corrosion tank at 900 miles a second, so there had to be something left behind. (Pause.) I think they took a close look and I think the lab boys got really excited about what was left behind and took it aboard to study it more closely. I think the lab boys got a little overconfident and took an even closer look and got a little careless and then they found out really up close and personal exactly what kind of life it really was and exactly what that germ was really all about first-hand -- that's what I think. (Lightly points to self, pauses, serious, yet light.) I think the lab boys then went all crazy and then gave it to us all before we even knew it. I think that's why the lab boys are on ice -- just like the hull detail. I also think the command group caught it somehow and I think that we're all losing our minds more every day. That's just what I think, though.
VERNE
Good theory, but that last part -- What makes you think you're going nuts? You sound like your normal-weird-self to me.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I'm a quantum-astro-physicist, not a spatial xenologist -- I can't tell you what it is, but I know it is something. Maybe it is radiation. The asteroid was bound to have been exposed to plenty of cosmic rays.
VERNE
Did we ever find out the original trajectory of the comet? Where it came from? Why we didn't detect it on our sensors? Was it too small?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
No. It seemed to appear out of nowhere. I believe from a type-three paradox, I didn't witness it or track it, so who knows? They booted me out of their lab when I determined it had quantum characteristics. They just wanted my opinion, not my involvement.
VERNE
Quantum characteristics? What do you mean? What's a type-three-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Dude, you don't know diddly about how things are. You use a white room everyday and don't know the first thing about what makes it work. Yeah, you might be able to tinker around in my skull and all, but you don't know the first thing about quantum physics. I should teach you the real ins and outs -- the micros and the macros -- hands on so you can really do me some good around here.
VERNE
Teach me? Why? It's as useless as algebra.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
No! No! It's essential if we're going to get out of here alive.
VERNE
(Downs a shot. Eyes him:) Alive? Why so serious? What are you talking about?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I want to create a maroon room to dispel near-matter and replicate- We must escape. This ship isn't going to last much longer, I can feel it.
VERNE
You can feel it, what's that supposed to mean?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Intuition.
VERNE
You watch too many midnight movies.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Wanna watch one?
VERNE
No. You're creeping me plenty. There ain't a sequel, bro. You get what you pay for here, at the edge of The Universe. I never asked the Almighty for nothing except to watch my back. And if there's one thing I have faith in this far from Earth, that's knowing we have a competent command and knowing that this ship is solid. She's the best and fastest ship that Americans ever built and nothing can take her down. Duty on this maiden voyage has given me nothing but an excellent start at a wonderful career-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Can it, there's no extra eyes or ears in this room, chum. It's mandated to be that way; there's reasons. You need to relax.
VERNE
Hmmm. I think you're up here too much. Staring at space too long is bound to make you crazy, and I'm not so sure you haven't gotten bombarded with those cosmic rays yourself, with all the time you spend up here and all. What in blazes are you trying to do here? Looks like the research lab from my med school.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Gestures to box-shaped apparatus in the shadowy corner:) It is a research lab when it's operating white -- no, the primary and secondary dials are set from the ultraviolet spectrum, not the infrared -- I'm making a maroon room, gotta see what's comin', not what's been...
VERNE
(Looking at machine's terminal on the side of the knocked-over-lookin' box.) Interesting. This is set-up just like the one below-deck; the one in sick bay. (With ease and familiarity, turns the dial to white and grey and takes a diagnostic reading of the both of them by pusing a simple, unmarked, "magic" button next to the external display monitor. Phantom holograms with little numbers and labels and arrows and hovering, holographic status meters of their skinned selves emerge from the box and walk about the room, lucid, and apparently conscious. There's a familiar thum-thum heartbeat sound. [Ref: Star Trek's sick bay.] Neither man reacts to this. Soon, we realize we are actually witnessing fourteen separate holograms joined into two transparent bodies. Several break away from the body and float away, uninterested in the movements of the others. Others separate indifferently until all fourteen float about the room. The most uncanny part of the collection of apparitions is that two holograms are of the nervous system, another two are of the muscular system, another two represent the skeletal system, yet another pair show the digestive system, an odd couple graces the lymphatic system, two others carry a rhythm as the respiratory sytems of the men and the last two march to the beat of a different drummer as their respective circulatory systems. These fourteen spectres mill-about with little interest in the men -- later in the scene they all merge into two respective beings and walk, sans skin, back into the five-sided, nearly-transparent box [the opening, facing the door] where they both dissolve into static and nothingness again.) This thing runs a diagnostic just like the one in sick bay. (Pause.) What's a maroon room do?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Some say it gives you the powers of God. The ones who have lived through using it correctly know better -- it's a Universal Tool -- like those books you collect -- It takes away the need for physical instrumentation and uses the imagination to fill in the gaps; to do the math -- it allows your subconscious to direct your id to create.... Tell me, they amended your pilot's license only on account of your narcolepsy, right? You still know how to pilot a ship, right?
VERNE
Der! -- That's no secret between us, Chewy. They didn't amend it, they revoked it -- I had to be second mate, and the only other human pilot, mind you, on our beloved, inglorious rust-bucket Chimera for over eighteen months, taking commands from an automated robot all because of that 72-second gap on the Regula. What was that jerk-bot's name?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Who?
VERNE
The robot -- the captain of the Chimera.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Smarty-Pants.
VERNE
No, no, his real name. Factory designation.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Struggles, waves-thought-off with hand like flles about his face, like it doesn't matter, which it doesn't:) X-O-Z-Y... I dunno-
VERNE
Z-Y-X 6.9 -- Yeah, yeah, a total tool -- so glad his model is out of service. What an ass-hat. (Giggles like a boy would.) I kept his ready-room's humidifier on high. I bet he's all rust by now. Not a piece of brass on him.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
So, you could have flown the Chimera, though, if you had to, right?
VERNE
The Chimera, The Regula, Tsk! Even piloting the Roanoke's easy breezy to me. I can fly a ship any direction through anything anywhere like a fish in water and they won't let me fly and they make me play with other people's brains -- which I think is much more risky I might add -- just because I've had two recorded instances of narcoleptic seizure in my entire life. Only two, but do you think they care? It wasn't that I took the Admiral's shuttle half-way across the Universe for a drag race, it was that I went and- (Internally annoyed, cranky like a recently-rousted child:) Why do you keep pointing-up the fact that I'll never be a pilot? Why are you asking if I can fly a ship anyway? What in blazes are you up to?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I have a theory. I think that it is a virus, and that your narcolepsy somehow makes you immune to its symptoms, and because of that, I think that very soon you'll be the only sane man on board.
VERNE
(Lights a joint he had stowed away.) Back to this alien-encephalic-virus theory again... even if it was brought on board intentionally, how did it get past our quarantine measures-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Beat. Considers it for a half-second. Beat. Considers History. Beat:) Do you know how to play cribbage?
VERNE
Is that the game that goes with this board with all those holes in it? No, what's it about?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Numbers, probability, imagination. Well, quantum physics is just like cribbage; a little skill, a little luck. I've been watching our progress toward that asteroid field. I know for certain that Captain Abraxas is lying to the crew about our destination. We might as well be on the Pequod, Starbuck. He's surely driven to a mad end. There isn't any pleasure-planet beyond the Coma Wall, you know -- that's just a myth, like Zeta. They take people to Halceron to die. (Toke. Pause. Double-toke.) He jettisoned the hot seats, you know.
VERNE
The brain toilets? Why would he do that? Our hotseats are the only things keeping us sane!
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Why, indeed? (Shuffles.) Something's fishy in Denmark. (Hits. Passes.) Captain Abraxas used the yellow room and subsequently took us far off-course to jettison the decompression chairs near the event horizon yesterday when we skirted-over D-S-99-66-99, and we haven't been back on course ever since. (Downs shot.) I need to make a maroon room; A U-2-Deity, a Universal And A Unique Double-Exception Inclusive To Infinity -- then we need to get back on course and out of this sector before they put us on ice permanently. (Beat.) You know you can't let them see that you know, they'll know you know because they know; and they'll put you on ice, so keep cool, you know? Something's in the air.
VERNE
They? Who's they? You are paranoid. (Long pause.) I get it; you wanted us to meet here because you don't want to be seen or heard by the ship's recorders. Okay, so maybe this is one of the few corners of the ship without any monitoring devices and you brought me out of peaceful Christmas slumber to tell me you're feeling lonely and paranoid.
CAMERO TWENTY-THREE
We need to be able to run this ship by ourselves.
VERNE
What is this... A confessional, perhaps? (Deep toke.) Okay, I suppose this is worth a doctor's ear -- I'll write it off as doctor-patient confidentiality -- for now -- as long as I think you're a nutszoid, anyway -- and believe me, you're a closed-case in that department, I already knew that on The Chimera. You're completely bonkers. (Abstract pause.) Man, you know you're talking mutiny.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
More is at stake than facing four bullets of a five-man firing squad. I'm talking about our escape; our survival. Keep your eyes open, you'll see what I mean. Everyone's stir-crazy.
VERNE
I dunno if I should hang-out with you anymore, Chewy...
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I'm your only friend on board, who else you got?
VERNE
Lieutenant Turnkey. He likes me -- most of the time.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Turkey only likes you because you showed him how to upload hacked porn into the ship's mainframe.
VERNE
Showed The Keymaster how to cover his tracks, too -- that counts for everything. No good being sneaky if you get caught.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Sighs. Quotes:) At length I would be avenged; this was a point definitely settled. Okay, you win. You got the deputy chief of security of Delta Sector wrapped around your finger. Bravo, he's probably bricked-up there now. You know all those pre-teen lookin' pornstars have been dead for a hundred years already, right?
VERNE
Or they're somebody's great, great grandmother. SETI-1 is the only streaming channel out this far. You gotta use what you got.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Maybe I should worry about you.
VERNE
Nah, I'm doing okay. Now what's this new game all about?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
It ain't so new. Second Millennium, Pre-Industrial Age. (That's impressive. Early Nations and all that.) The object is to score 121 points first. That's what these holes are for, to count your score. When you move up, you peg. In Q-P terms, that equates to moving within a paradox-free Q-S-I-2 toward destination.
VERNE
What's a Q-S-I-2?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Q-S-I-I -- It used to be called a "Q-C" before the Quantum Collective took the term over, but it's- (Sees he's completely lost.) Okay, forget the Quantum Physics part, lemme teach you the game part first. We both cut, and low card deals.
VERNE
Is this gonna take a while to learn? Should I make some coffee?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
What you need to do is break that stuff up before loading it in the pipe like that -- what, do I need to teach you how to smoke, too? Use the tweezers and the scissors, that's what they're there for.
(VERNE reaches into his friend's stash box and retrieves the magnetic tools. He finds a resin-coated hemostat used as a roach clip; expertly scrapes-off the resin with an electro-magnetic, titanium razor blade [used for the delivery of some other, powdered drug, no doubt] all while VERNE gingerly removes the pair of "tweezers" from the box. [Luckily, the forceps are the toothed, surgical kind that VERNE is accustomed to using. Then again, not so surprising; for there were no eyebrow-shapers ~nor even hairstylists, save a part-time barber~ on the ship as it left Altus Quantum Space Port some twenty-six months ago.] He retrieves the clean instruments and goes to town on the little hairy-lookin' plant, moving between the three tools like it's nobody's business. Clip, snip, pick, pack. Clip, snip, pick, pack. Seedless...)
VERNE
Like this?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Yeah! Hey, you're real-good at that.
VERNE
(Smiling:) Surgeon's hands...
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
If I would have known you were so talented, I'd-a had you clean all my stash on the Chimera.
VERNE
What stash? We didn't know each other that well on the Chimera. Not at first, anyway. Not until you got us busted, anyway. We really got acquainted in the brig. Before that, I only caught you toking-up that one time in the captain's latrine, remember?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Only because you went there yourself to do the same thing.
VERNE
To toke -- not grow, man! With a robot for a captain, I knew he'd never visit the john; it wasn't logical! With an unused industrial deodorizer, it was a perfect place to chong-out. You're the one who insisted on growing the skunk-smellin' Yog Soggoth in there, the one that overloaded the room's odor-analyzer's-matrix-doo-hickey. You're the one who got us found out.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
We were the only humans aboard and I knew you were cool about the Yog, so I thought no worries -- what would a robot really care what strain of weed we were smoking, anyway? I didn't know robots could smell. They had never mentioned it before. Did you know they could smell? How was I to know?
VERNE
Man, didn't you hear how they answered the prosecutor's question down to the molecule on which part of your Yog-strain was contraband and which part wasn't and how much methanethiol was dispersed into the ship's air system when we blazed it and- (Quasihemidemisemiquaver rest. [Rest of a hundred-twenty-eighth-note length.]) man, they smell weed like nobody's business... What do you think they replaced drug dogs with?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I- I don't know.
VERNE
Row-butts! (Hemidemisemiquaver rest.) Well, the Yog's all legal now, and our records got expunged, so we'll bury the hatchet -- Now what?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Your deal. (Pours two shots.) Deal each of us six cards. You pick two that will be put aside into your crib.
VERNE
My crib?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Something for later.
VERNE
Like a stash?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Yeah, like your stash, except I've got to put a little in your stash too but I save the primo stuff for myself, see? Okay, now just hit the edge of the pipe so you only burn a little of the green. Yeah, like that.
VERNE
I know how to smoke, man. You don't need to teach me how to do that, man...
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Yeah, I know. I've been irascible and curt lately. I feel like I'm always a heart-beat away from going postal; so forgive me if I seem a little crass or if I start acting a little quirky. The whole crew has been acting fishy. Everybody but you.
VERNE
If it is a virus-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I think it is; you wake up with mild, flu-like symptoms, you're never hungry, you're always thirsty and...
VERNE
Come to think of it, I did notice that there was a cold going around last week at the clinic. The mess hall's been a ghost town, but I thought that was because of everyone's care packages from home. (Stoned.) Man, the robots keep making those tuna sandwiches wrong... they know I love Ahi tuna and Rooster of The Galaxy Tuna is the only way to go... Yeah... (Toke.) Everyone is being a jerk more than usual around here. (Pass.) Not enough to prove anything, though. We're all under stress; we just grazed a black hole, for heaven's sake... (Demisemiquaver rest.) A thirty-ton chunk of nickel that seemingly came out of nowhere just slammed-into our main engine. (Semiquaver rest. Toke.) It's Christmas and nobody's happy and everybody's sniffling. (Double-toke as HEINLEIN politely blows his nose.) So how do I decide what cards to stash?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Face cards are ten. Keep cards that together add up to fifteen. Keep flushes and runs of three or more. Drop high cards over low ones.
VERNE
Wow: numbers, probability, imagination. Man, this is some good stuff; I think I'm seeing fireworks up there.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
You are. You're looking at the globes' reflection of the ship's bow against the backdrop. Captain Abraxas is shooting-at all the bulky, fast-moving and erratic rocks in our path. I saw him give the order myself.
VERNE
That backdrop -- it's not the void. Is that big black edge D-S-99?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Head flies-up after taking a snort of something lined-out on the table:) Um-hmmm... Actually, it's called, Virgo E-V, D-S, I-X September, 6699. (Wipes nose.) "Feynman's Anus." That's it's unofficial name, of course. She's still a teenager, though, and quite a punk-rock-rebel-type, too. She's what they call a significant quantum irregularity -- she pulsates and blinks-out occasionally -- but not exactly according to physical laws -- more like a freak-out than a blink-out -- and to us Q-P's she's quite an astonishing event when she ovulates and does a negative-energy star-fart, because she breaks most of the rules when she breaks wind -- good girls aren't supposed to fart -- though you and I probably won't ever get a whiff of it -- her next flatulent outpouring of negative energy is supposed to occur in about another thousand years if the guys back at home are guessing it right. A near-limitless outpouring of quantum energy- Yep, she's sure something to look at -- mesmerizing, eh?
VERNE
Man, I can't stop staring at it -- there's nothing there, but I think I see... colors -- It looks like we're right next to it! It's -- huge!
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
She's a few thousand million solar masses -- you can't stare at any other star this closely, you know -- it's an illusion, though; the vastness -- she's really a rather small black hole.
VERNE
Small?! We're almost on top of it!
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
No, we're not -- or things would look much different. We're millions upon millions of miles away -- far away from her hideous influence. From here, she's like a normal star.
VERNE
So why is he shooting asteroids way over there?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
It just appears to be way over there. That way over there is really right in front of us. The star bends the light about us.
VERNE
Trippy. (Quaver rest. Reload. Toke.) So we're going into that asteroid field?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
We wouldn't be shooting at asteroids if we weren't going into an asteroid field, right? I told you, ship command is lying to all of us; we're way off-course. He knows I know he's lost, but somehow he doesn't see me as a threat, or an asset, even when I'm on the bridge, looking right at his lie -- even when I show him the only way out. (Hits.) It's creepy; they're all crazy, like I think I am going to be a little nuts myself soon. (Hits.) Well, that's what I think, anyway. I'm smart, though. (Passes.) I can stay up here, stay safe, stay out of the way, minding my own business, making the machine, making my own way out...
VERNE
Wow! So cool! But, dude, it just looks like twinkling stars! It's like so far away!
(VERNE does the long chong and blows smoke rings gently as he politely tops off with greenery and passes.)
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
How much space is inside a human skull? Enough to contain a thought like freedom or is it only narrow enough to give meaning to words like violence? If there's one thing you're gonna need to know before becoming a Q-P doll, you've gotta know that when you're dealing with quantum physics, all bets are off -- nothing works the same and almost nothing is impossible.
(Polite hit.)
VERNE
What if I only got three of a kind?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Keep it.
(Sets pipe between them.)
VERNE
Now what?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I cut.
VERNE
Huh? Another five?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Another five? Hearts if you gotta flush.
VERNE
I don't gotta flush. I told you, I got three of a-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
You shouldn't tell me your hand...
VERNE
I just told you what it wasn't -- like how I know it wasn't radiation. If that were the case, we'd all look half-dead already. (Hits.) So, if it is a virus, there must be a vaccine.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
That's why I need to school you in quantum physics, so you can go into a white room and find us a vaccine. (Hits.) I lead with ten. Now you lay down something.
VERNE
I got a five. Even if I had a live culture of the virus, it would take me and a whole team of doctors years to discover-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
No, that's fifteen and you get two for that -- I need to pay attention to my own hand and worry less about yours. (Cashes bowl, reloads it from table-tray extras.) Twenty-five. You can only play a six or less and have to play it if you got something that works. (Hits bowl, passes.) You know, it wouldn't take years to discover a vaccine in a white room-
VERNE
Okay, fifteen, er, twenty-five. Thirty. I can't just arbitrarily use our white room; I need a patient. (Hit.) Surely, if there was an outbreak of something, the other doctors would have already-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I'm telling you, it makes you real paranoid. (Hits.) Like The Emperor's New Clothes, nobody wants to admit it -- they're sick. Something's making them think all crazy. Making me think all crazy.
VERNE
What if they are admitting it? What if they are studying it? For the last three days, the clinic's been putting sick-call patients on ice. I thought they were simply overloaded with cases and I stopped by and offered to help to ease the workload. They said they had it covered and extended my R&R past New Year's -- brother, they never do that. Especially during the holidays -- that's when the trauma ward gets its yearly quota -- people just aren't thinking about being safe during all their revelry. (Tokes.) You know, I didn't give it a second thought until now 'cause I've been enjoying the time off. (Hits.) Nothing strange in of itself, but considering the others who are on ice already-
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
See?
VERNE
That doesn't mean anything substantial; not enough to warrant mutiny. (Crochet rest.) I know; it's fishy. I'll check around, okay?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Don't get found out.
VERNE
I won't, because I'm not paranoid about getting found out because I don't care! What's next?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Check into the medical log. I'll look into our actual trajectory; find out where we're supposed to be going. Julian, I'm not sure if you're really immune or not -- it's just a theory -- so, either way, don't get too much sleep.
VERNE
I don't think I'll be able to -- now. What I really meant to say was: what's next in the game? I said thirty, now what?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Go.
VERNE
What?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
You peg two if you got an ace and can hit thirty-one on the nose, or just peg one if you don't have an ace.
VERNE
Okay.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
After thirty-one or a go, we start over. You peg, I lead. Ten.
VERNE
Fifteen.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Fifteen for two. Say fifteen for two as you peg two.
VERNE
This game is real' confusing.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Yeah, and real' easy if your teacher keeps leading with tens. I should-a led with my six, but who'd-a thought? Yeah, this game is real easy if you're the lucky type, which you seem to be with all them fives you got, you got at least twenty there. (Drops a six of spades, sighs.) Gotta four or a ten card? Twenty-one.
VERNE
(Drops a Jack of Hearts.) Thirty-one on the nose. That means I peg two, right?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
(Aghast:) The odds of you having that hand are greater than a quarter of a million to one. (Cashes bowl; begins rolling a joint with a mix of three of his stash-box's mondo roaches.) The odds of you having that as a first hand are astronomical; literally! (It fully dawns on him.) Somebody on the ship is using a quantum generator on overdrive! (Looks at the holograms floating about.) We should seriously limit our own room use. It's tricky while- We could very well be in a paradox already and we do not know it.
VERNE
What do you mean?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
It means it's even more important I teach you how to count. Fifteen two, fifteen four, fifteen six and a pair of kings is eight -- the six doesn't play. (Unenthusiastically:) You got twenty-nine. (Loads another bowl.) I dropped you a seven and a ten. What's in your crib?
VERNE
I dropped an eight and a nine. Look! All hearts!
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Two pairs of seventeen, all hearts...
VERNE
What does that mean? What's the chances of that?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
It means fifteen two, fifteen four and a run of four makes eight and five hearts makes thirteen. My deal. You pegged a total of forty-nine points. Unreal. Don't bogart that new stuff or it will get the resin runnin' like Jesse Owens, hit it easy -- it's primo.
VERNE
It's real good and tasty, what's it called?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
A mix of Angorian Blue-Tooth, Redwood Redhair and The Only Game In Town.
VERNE
The Only Game In Town? Weird name for a strain of ganja.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Even more weird is knowing that the nearest town is 80 million light years away in that direction, moving away from us.
VERNE
(Hacks.) Chewy, you got anything to mix with this Simmerillian stuff? (Looks up with reddened eyes- Minim rest.) Or a chaser? It's real strong, man.
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
It's called Symolea Spacia. Yeah, there's beer in the walk-in. Grab a 12-pack of Orion's.
VERNE
You've got a stash of Orion's? I thought there wasn't any more on the ship after the July 4th beer-bash. (Semibreve rest.) Wow! Five cases of longnecks!
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
I'm telling you, there's a lot you don't know about what is going on around here.
VERNE
(Tokes. Double tokes. Breve rest.) Oh yeah? Like what?
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Like you learning how to utilize the ship's controls and an active quantum sphere using your mind in the maroon room. (Four-measure rest. [... meaning, like, forever, ad infinitum, or as long as you want to dish-it-out, or whenever you choose to end it or payback is a -- in music, one's thrown a four-measure rest to reward great musicians and the four-measure note is a way to punish the lazier ones -- in this context, it's kinda like a conductor's coda- it's the actor's call. Maybe I just got tired of writing the word "pause" and needed to take p- a break from it, I dunno...) Hey, why are you all smiles? You're not going to have another twenty-nine hand, I'll bet you my pension on that...
VERNE
(Pause.) I'm smiling because I never knew that being paranoid with someone could be so much fun.
FTB