Scene 5.15 - Hollywood Hilltop
EXT./INT. Leah Zale Luxury Suites
ECU: Cork. Wisp of bubbly air. Neck of Bottle. Suds.
SOUND: POP!
ZOOM OUT
(A Champagne bottle is popped. Roll call: The newlyweds from the porn shop -- Cameos 30 and 31 -- are necking in a corner; CAMEO 1 and seven of his friends drinking; CAMEO 5 and two her friends toking; CAMEO 6 and her friend eating; AZALEA [LEAH], ACTOR ALPHA, CAMEO 9 and three of her friends telling jokes; CAMEO 10 -19, CAMEO 27 and one anonymous friend milling-about the punchbowl; ACTOR DELTA, VERNE, HEINLEIN, ASIMOV and RAMONA ROMERO are looking about. Thirty-eight people in attendance. So far, it looks just like a normal party. People are in little cliques, snacking, drinking and rocking to the music. AZALEA is in full form, dressed as Marie Antoinette, with a thick, black, blood-stained ribbon tightly-hung loosely around her neck; as if cut and re-tied. If one looks closely at the loosely-tied ribbon, one would see a little henna tattoo of a decapitation scar stemming from her actual decapitation scar with only the slightest of makeup differences, as one looks real and one looks applied to look real. Her henna scar cuts cleanly across her neck, while the actual scar crossing her face is well-hidden under her makeup. AZALEA speaks French fluently, as if it were her native language all along. She keeps her male admirers in-check with her witty, French cliche’ replies to any trite compliment or any trivial questions. -- [Why, if this were an adult movie, there would be no doubt who was going to be at the center of the money-shot -- or is it money-shots?] AZALEA is the focus of attention, and yet we overhear a few lines of what’s being said in the other cliques before we get back to her and VERNE. The teenagers are dressed as blingin’ ballers with red, white and blue being their dominant colors, respectively. They are actually getting-along once they find they can drink together without anyone getting shanked. Go figure. CAMEO NINE is dressed like Alex of A Clockwork Orange with her sexy, Amazonian droogies, Georgie-boy, Petey and Dim. AZALEA is the Miss Manners hostess par-excellence. Everyone is happy and quite glad they weren’t late. The teenagers are keeping to themselves, just glad they can drink to excess with no one giving them any lip.)
AZALEA
Cameo 9! Oh, I haven’t seen you since last year’s rehab! How are you doing?
CAMEO NINE
Off and on; I brought some friends.
AZALEA
Wonderful! There’s a special room in the back for you to put your purses and coats -- (Realizing they have neither, just a cane, chain and such:) and your other adornments, er, tools of the trade, as it were.
CAMEO NINE
Oh, yeah. Cool. May I have a hit of that?
AZALEA
(Deeply drags from her 18th-century ivory pipe:) I bet you’d like this better. (Hands her a golden snuff box.) It’s like that little straw I gave you last Christmas... It’s full every time you open it, unless you might O-D, of course. You can't cheat future technologies.
CAMEO NINE
Wow, you engraved my name on it.
AZALEA
Naturally, cuz it’s yours.
CAMEO NINE
Hey, how did you find out my confirmation name?
AZALEA
Have fun, Darling! Delta, have you met Nine and her friends, Nine-point-one, Nine-point-two and Nine-point-three?
ACTOR DELTA
(Dressed as Zorro:) Er, no. Pleased to meet you ladies. Whew! (Accent:) íQue linda! I am dizzed by their beautimous charms!
(He kisses their hands, gives them roses, they giggle and they each start a direct and physical conversation, leading him to the back room as Zorro smoothly grabs an ice-bucket full of champagne bottles lying unattended. AZALEA moves on, smiling, putting a jewel-encrusted mask to her face periodically, in case anyone wants to wonder who she is.)
AZALEA
Why, Lieutenant Zack Asimov, where have you been hiding?
ASIMOV
Eem steel in innson, Meece I’ll-see-ya; bit yoor steel ze moist beautifus vimman in ze verld.
AZALEA
Thank you, Ensign, yet, I doubt you’ll still be an Ensign for long with that quick wit and charm! Why, you most-positively can sweep a lady off her feet. It seems it’s only exceeded by your steel-trap mind and that powerful, mesmerizing gaze that simply melts a woman’s heart. No, a promotion can’t be long in coming, for such a man in control -- a man with a sugar-sweet smile and palate-pleasing kiss, such an adventurous style, what woman can resist?
ASIMOV
Yiss, thit’s eet ixzickedlee!
AZALEA
See those kids milling about the punch bowl? You think you could warm them up to a little Simoleon Spice?
(AZALEA offers ASIMOV the fattest blunt ever made by human hands. A few heads turn.)
ASIMOV
Horror-show! Vy sure, innyting, Meece I’ll-see-ya!
AZALEA
Just make sure they don’t start swinging on the chandeliers or go out playing on the balcony, and I think everything will be as nice as spice.
ASIMOV
As Simoleon Spice! Haha! Aw, Eye just sink zere verried aboutze vether if yore cool or nyet. Ziss shood do ze trick.
AZALEA
Let them eat cake.
(VERNE and RAMONA have quietly entered the scene. Volume One, Chapter Six is playing on the tube.)
RAMONA
As if the music ever stops... Hey, Z-babe.
(If you thought the reaction of AZALEA to seeing VERNE returned from Oblivion was something, this reaction is something-else. AZALEA kisses her over and over and won’t let her body become unattached. She holds her as if she is an appendage throughout the conversation and is doing everything physical to convey that not only have they been intimate, that at this rate, they’ll be intimate again before the party’s over. RAMONA merely puts her arm around her like a sister while AZALEA gets to cop a feel about everywhere and more. If this is all for VERNE’S benefit, it’s working.)
VERNE
I take it you two have... met.
AZALEA
Ramona is my... (Playfully taps her appendage’s face with her palm-) art instructor, (She slides her hand down to RAMONA’S chest and her heart-) and my personal confidant when dealing with my most intimate matters. (Pulls her in closer. Pause. Turns head:) I had to move on, Verne, you were in Oblivion. Perhaps you were just a phase or something. It wasn’t like our relationship was going anywhere anyway. Especially when you cheated on me with my best friend.
(AZALEA and RAMONA deeply kiss. Not a whole lot -- yet more than we’ve seen from any two people in a while, anyway.)
VERNE
Now we’ve covered that, Azalea. I didn’t cheat, and Ronnie wasn’t your best friend until you thought I cheated. This is something else and you know it.
AZALEA
Maybe. I did like you a lot, Zero, but there were things before Oblivion that told me that maybe you weren’t the one.
VERNE
(Cool; buff:) I think our personal history invalidates that observation, little lady.
AZALEA
Yeah, whatever, but I remember you kinda got busy with the other aspects of my psyche before I could really make up my mind about you or get my mind together, for that matter. Before I got reassimilated, you took advantage of my insecurities and when I asked you about it, you left me cold, Zero. You chose your mission over me.
VERNE
I can’t neglect my ship; my crew. The mission is all that matters.
AZALEA
Your ship is gone; your crew is here, mostly here. This ship has sailed, Zero. (Her amulet briefly pulses.) I’m glad you’ve decided to show, but understand a lot has happened since you and I.
VERNE
I’m on to this now. I see it’s not me. It’s not me at all. It’s not even you. It’s her.
RAMONA
Hey! Now what did I do?
AZALEA
Oh, won’t you just settle down, Mr. Lazypants! (The rest is mostly whispered, since a few heads turned on that last outburst:) Go get me a fresh tray of salmon snack-wraps from the fridge, cool them jets and stop all this false-bravado nonsense! (Pushes her grope-toy away, almost as if RAMONA was the one doing all the mauling:) You too, Ramona-
RAMONA ROMERO
Me? What did I do?
AZALEA
Go get the beer and pretzels and my salmon-wraps from the kitchen. I don’t want to see either of you back in here again until you’re both drunk.
VERNE AND RAMONA
Azalea-
AZALEA
And I don’t want to talk about anything with either of you until I’m drunk. Get going.
RAMONA
That was weird.
VERNE
I’ll say! It’s almost as if she was a different person.
(ACTOR ALPHA has been greeting HEINLEIN and both greet SIMAK, CAMEO SEVEN, CAMEO EIGHT, and the ten other bus patrons. They are fashionably late. They are all dressed as pirates. SIMAK is still wearing his Pronto costume.)
AZALEA
Oh my! We’re being Shang-hai’d by a band of ruffians! I suppose I must submit to your most profane and unearthly desires! (Throws her cape and mask to a nearby settee, curtsies to each.) Welcome! Welcome! So nice to see you! Oh! What nice costumes! Think you could whisk this maiden away before she faces the gallows -- or worse?
(Falls into CAMEO SEVEN’S arms and pulls her ribbon down in case anyone missed it.)
CAMEO EIGHT
It’s a pleasure to be here, Miss Zale, on behalf of all of us I want to thank-
AZALEA
Balderdash! No need to thank when I am the one doing the thanking. Catnip and roses! Come inside! There’s some entertainment scheduled for later, but until then, warm yourselves with our beverages and feast from our modest buffet!
SIMAK
Aye, you’ve got quite the spread, now.
AZALEA
My spread is your spread, er, something like that, Smokey. Thank goodness for manners. Anyvays, vy don’t ve all comma eenside and relaxabeet, das iss goot. Nice. Alpha!
ACTOR ALPHA
Yes?
AZALEA
(Overtly secretive:) Could you and Robert check your kitchen? Jules and Mona went in there to settle something, and I fear they actually may be... fighting over me.
HEINLEIN
(Smooth, a la Billy Dee Williams:) It’s Rio now, but we’re on it, Miss Azalea.
(RONNIE, the concubines, WELLS, CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE, CAMEO-TWENTY and all the patients and a few of their friends have all arrived together.)
AZALEA
Well isn’t this a surprise! Welcome! Come in! Hurry up! Get out of that awful rainstorm! Hello Doctor!
CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE and WELLS
Hello.
AZALEA
I guess I’m going to have to make it a point to address you both individually. How are you, Doctor Wells?
WELLS
Flabbergasted. It seems that The Baron has been abducted by Clarke.
AZALEA
Well that explains why they haven’t arrived yet. (Consults amulet. It is cloudy.) Can’t tell. Hmmm. How are you, Dr. Twenty-five?
CAMEO TWENTY-FIVE
Pleased as punch to be here. The staff of St. Martin’s and I all want to thank you for your generous donation of-
AZALEA
Noted, Doctor. Doc, you said The Baron was abducted?
WELLS
I think Clarke’s lost his mind. He’s taken The Baron. I need to tell the Captain, is he here?
AZALEA
He’s in the kitchen. (After they go, absently checking the finish on her fingernails:) He’s fighting with my wife.
(He and 25 step away. Double take, proceed. The concubines socialize with the teens, the pirates and such.)
RONNIE
(It’s not any surprise that she’s a lesbian, it’s that she’s married:) Your wife?
AZALEA
Oh, just a flight of fancy; low-key; a weekend to remember; yet we’ve endured over the years.
RONNIE
She must be a real diamond in the rough. So since when did marriage seem important to you?
AZALEA
I thought she was different, but no matter... And how are you, Ronica? Star-struck as always? Still a roll of duct-tape shy of a snuff film?
RONNIE
Pound salt, Azalea, I’m only here to find out what happened to The Baron.
AZALEA
I see you haven’t lost any of your more-exceptional charms. Be thankful the years have only taken their toll on your body, not the bright, human spirit inside.
RONNIE
You’re all heart.
AZALEA
I’m all woman, too. A thousand movies later, you’re still fantasizing about reliving our first encounter...
RONNIE
Let’s not start this, we’ll be no better than the others.
AZALEA
Yes, yes. Let’s at least pretend to be civil until later. After my surprise announcement, if you still want to hate me, be my guest.
RONNIE
I might be wrong about you, I hope I am.
AZALEA
I wish you’d stop trying to prove yourself. Champagne? A little motor-oil? I hear you have a weakness for it, and this is the creme-de-la-creme --private reserve from France; the real deal.
RONNIE
(Sips-) Level with me, Zale. What’s the big surprise?
AZALEA
For you? (Pause.) I know who you really are. You’re not the fantasy; this is. This is all an illusion. We’re still in a paradox; this isn’t the real world.
RONNIE
(Downs it, pours another:) That is a surprise.
AZALEA
It’s also a secret, for now. I thought it might get your interest.
RONNIE
How?
AZALEA
I’ve contacted Zeta. I’ve got a portal to the Internexus, something new; very new.
RONNIE
For real? Does Verne know?
AZALEA
No! Not Zero! I haven’t told anyone. And you keep this between us.
RONNIE
Okay, but why this? Why now?
AZALEA
I know what you want, what you need.
RONNIE
Then let’s not fight. I’m with you.
AZALEA
Okay.
(They embrace. The cops, ACTRESS ALPHA and the bailiff arrive with CARLTON, the doorman. No one is in costume.)
ACTRESS ALPHA
I’m looking for Leah Zale.
AZALEA
That’s me.
ACTRESS ALPHA
Wha-? Why- Holy hammocks! You really ARE my twin! You look like me in the mirror -- except backwards -- like I'm on video or something!
AZALEA
My thoughts exactly. I’ve heard about our resemblence before; you host L-A Night Court, right? I’m glad we finally have an opportunity to meet. Judge Alpha, I'm Leah Zale.
ACTRESS ALPHA
Everyone knows you, Ms. Zale. I’m afraid this is more than just a social call. Wow, it’s uncanny. Wow.
AZALEA
Yes, it seems the Goddess finds joy in repetition. So, what may I do for you, your honor?
ACTRESS ALPHA
We’ve just heard an outrageous rumor that someone is making a bomb somewhere in this vicinity.
AZALEA
A bomb? Really? A rumor, huh? I'll tell you for sure. (Consults amulet:) Nuts! (Tokes pipe, like Douglas MacArthur.) Who on Earth told you that?
ACTRESS ALPHA
I know, it’s a stretch- A Mr. Clarke, just before he disappeared -- under mysterious circumstances. (Beat.) Is that weed I smell?
AZALEA
(Absently rubbing amulet:) Oh, poppycock; I don’t know what Mr. Clarke told you, but I wish he were here so I could explain to him that it really isn’t a bomb he should be worrying about at all...
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