Scene 6.30 - Poop-a-doob: Revelations
EST: EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(The wind is howling and it is raining buckets. Dark storm clouds cover the area.)
EXT. BRANCH OUTCROPPING - DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(A knot-hole door opens and hundreds and thousands of Brew-men pour out.)
EXT. SHIELD WALL - DARAKKEEN - DAY
(PORSCHE, VAN HAGAR and SMARTY watch the Emperor's enormous ship on the Darakkeen landing field. They observe from a hidden location, atop an ivy branch that stretches across the Great Cliff Wall.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Thousands of Brew-men are running, planting humpers as they go.)
INT. COMMUNICATION ROOM - DARAKKEEN - DAY
PORSCHE
Smarty, when the storm hits... nuke 'em; and nuke 'em good. I want an opening through the entire Shield Wall. Van Hagar? Do we have wormsign?
(VAN HAGAR and SMARTY laugh.)
VAN HAGAR
Coozy... U-betcha. We have wormsign, the likes of which even Bog has never seen.
(PORSCHE smiles.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Looking across over the great jungle it looks like a living sea of wormsign. Across the massive leaves, a great rustling occurs and worms are appearing.)
EXT. DEEP JUNGLE - DAY
(Thousands of Brew-men are running, positioning themselves to mount and ride.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(Storm clouds grow darker and the speed of the wind increases.)
EXT. NARC-ON-EM SHIPS - JUNGLE - NIGHT
(Suddenly above come hundreds of odd-ball space ships zooming down across the jungle expanse and towards the landing field.)
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
(The storm is howling now.)
INT. STEEL TENT - EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - DAY
EMPEROR
Bring in that floating fat man... the Baron.
(The BARON is brought in. Distant warning signals begin. The BARON is fighting to contain his fear because RUB-ON'S HEAD SITS ALL BLOODY ON THE FLOOR in front of him. Finally, the EMPEROR speaks.)
EMPEROR
Why have you brought me here?
BARON
Your Highness... There must be some mistake... I never requested your presence.
EMPEROR
Ah? But your lack of action demanded it. Your dreadful mismanagement, your bad judgement in assigning to Rub-On -- (He gestures toward the head) -- the governorship.... You forced me to come here and set things straight... personally.
A VOICE
Bring in the messenger.
(AH! LEAH! is brought in by the Sativa soldiers. She is smiling.)
AH! LEAH!
I am the messenger from Poop-a-doob, U-betcha. Poor Emperor, I'm afraid my brother won't be very pleased with you, doncha'-know.
EMPEROR
Say wha! Yo! Short-stack! Step back! Ise the Emporer! I don't need yours, or anybody else's approval all up in here now. Them seers all say it's all in the stars. Ain't that right, gypsy-chick?
(Suddenly, REVEREND MOTHER looks horrified and grabs her throat.)
REVEREND MOTHER
(Struggling, speaking:) Kill this child! She's- she's an abomination! Kill her. Kill her now! (Points to AH LEAH!, who is smiling at her, employing a recently-learned tactic:) Get out of my mind! Oh! Oh-ho! (Pleasure abounds:) Get out of there, too! Oh-woo!
AH! LEAH!
Not until you tell them both who I really am.
REVEREND MOTHER
(Strained speech, between orgasmic pants:) She's... she's Ah! Ah! Ah! Leah! She's... oh! She's the sister of Porsche... Porsche... Poop-a-doob.. Ah! Poop-a-doob, Mercedes. Ahhhhhh!
(The REVEREND MOTHER slumps in afterglow. The BARON'S mouth flies open. The EMPEROR'S face goes pale, his lips tremble.)
EMPEROR
Porsche's sister... Porsche Mercedes is Poop-a-doob?!
(He turns quickly and looks at the three, drunken, free-loading Guild agents present in the room. They stare at him with heavy-lidded eyes as they toke from an Imperial hookah. AH! LEAH! is all smiles. The agents happily, dumbly drool and continue toking.)
INT. COMMUNICATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(PORSCHE smiles.)
PORSCHE
(Laughs. To SMARTY and VAN HAGAR:) Ah! Leah! keeps pace with the storm.
(SMARTY and VAN HAGAR don't understand. Suddenly enormous storm clouds burst overhead and lightning sweeps across the Shield Wall.)
PORSCHE
Smarty, now!
(SMARTY gives a hand signal and...)
SMARTY
(They put on their hoods:) Atomics!
EXT. SHIELD WALL - DARAKKEEN - DAY
(...Seventeen explosions of hydroponic bomb intensity go off in a row, cutting a huge gorge through the width of the massive Shield Wall. As the explosions go off, a wind howls. Rain pelts the palace and the Emperor's ship.)
INT. STEEL TENT - EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - DAY
(AH! LEAH! smiles as they hear the tremendous roaring, hydroponic screams of the explosions. The Emperor's ship's warning signals are now close and loud.)
AH! LEAH!
Uff-da! My brother is coming, Emperor... with many Brew-men warriors, doncha'-know.
(A Sativa warrior rushes in.)
SATIVA OFFICER #2
The Shield Wall is gone.
EMPEROR
Impossible!
AH! LEAH!
Not impossible, dumbass... I told you already... He is here now, U-betcha!
SATIVA OFFICER #2
Majesty, into the ship!
EMPEROR
(Rising:) Release the Sativa Warriors. Baron... give this little abomination to the storm. If we make it out of here, I might get you that lav-leather suit I'm sure you've been eyeing in the Kix catalog...
BARON
With pleasure, my lord. Yet, Emperor -- the Kix order line said they were all out of stock...
EMPEROR
I got connections, yo. Ditch the little witch and you'll be floating in style by morning. Peace, I'm out.
(They all leave the room, including the Sativa warriors.)
INT. STEEL TENT - EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - DAY
BARON
I'll get her, Majesty! Come here, you little grunion, I'll make a meal out of ya!
AH! LEAH!
(Using the Tongue:) Uff-da! C'mere, mister. I'm out here all alone, mister, U-betcha. Can you help me find my mommy, mister? I don't know where she is, doncha'-know...
(The BARON floats down to her. AH! LEAH! turns to him -- still smiling. With a flash of her hand she reaches out and swipes at the BARON'S face. He cries out in pain. She pulls his suspensor plugs and pushes him back, then slowly shows him the tiny bong-ajar needle she holds in her hand. He spins crazily as he screams from the poison.)
AH! LEAH!
Uff-da! For such a fat man... What a lightweight, doncha'-know...
EXT. SHIELD WALL - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(Worms, each with hundreds of Brew-men on them, come crawling through the newly-formed canyon in the Shield Wall.)
EXT. WORMS - SHIELD WALL - DARAKKEEN - DAY
(PORSCHE rides the lead worm with SMARTY and VAN HAGAR by his side. The storm is howling and blowing with horrifying intensity.)
INT. EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - CONTROL ROOM - DAY
(The Emperor and his Sativa officers in a darkened room where they are horrified to see on the screens the hundreds of multi-colored glow-worms which are crawling across the Darakkeen valley. All their faces show fear.)
BACK TO SCENE
INT. EMPEROR'S SPACE SHIP - GREEN THRONE ROOM - DAY
(Suddenly the wall behind AH! LEAH! and the spinning BARON is completely blown away by a blast. The BARON floats and spins out into the storm.)
EXT. DARAKKEEN - DAY
(As the worms enter the Darakkeen basin, they meet the Sativa warriors. The Sativa don't have a chance -- the worms chew them up and with flame-thrower-like sprays from their high-pipe hairs, they torch the Sativa warriors by the hundreds. The Brew-men on the worm's backs fire word-weapons, killing the few Sativa the worms leave behind.)
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARAKKEEN - DAY
(The space ships which were recently airborne are now crashing because of the storm.)
NEW SCENE
(The BARON floats and spins high in the misty clouds of the storm over the Darakkeen Valley.)
NEW SCENE
(The worm, that PORSCHE, SMARTY and VAN HAGAR are riding, suddenly rears up. Its mouth opens. The BARON appears as a tiny spinning shape. He flies directly into the mouth of this colossal worm and is devoured. The worm belches; the men smile at one another. George Lucas did it, so it must be okay, right? Right? Well, anyway, that's as cheesy as I dare.)
EXT. STEEL TENT - LANDING FIELD - DARAKKEEN - DAY
(...intentionally, anyway. A thousand Brew-men battle Sativa warriors outside the Emperor's tent. The Brew-men soon overpower them with words and rush into the giant steel structure.)
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(The entire airfield is now filled with wild worms, Brew-men, and dead-or-dying Sativa warriors.)
EXT. LANDING FIELD - DARUKKEEN - DAY
(AH! LEAH! moves dreamily among the dying Sativa.)
INT. GREAT HALL - DARAKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(PORSCHE enters the Palace hall and the first thing he sees is the giant mouse's head. The ears have been chewed off and the Mercedes banner has been stuffed and wired into the mouth.)
(A wind moans through the palace. PORSCHE turns. SMARTY and several guards bring in the EMPEROR, INDICA, the REVEREND MOTHER, Sativa generals, Guildsmen, Frayed and SURFER. The Faygo-kin and Brew-men troops line the walls. PORSCHE'S eyes meet FRAYED'S -- FRAYED gives him an evil smile. PORSCHE turns and looks at the EMPEROR, who stares back defiantly. PORSCHE moves his gaze to INDICA, who lowers her eyes. He then sees his old teacher, SURFER HAZMAT, whose tired eyes wander helplessly.)
PORSCHE
Smarty... I see Surfer Hazmat among the captives. Let him stand free.
SMARTY
My Lord, they've messed with his head and who knows what else...
PORSCHE
Let him stand free!
(The EMPEROR turns nervously to FRAYED, who passes a golden dagger to SURFER.)
FRAYED
(To Surfer:) You remember, you little weasel... the antidote...
SMARTY
(Gestures to Surfer:) Surfer. Come.
(SURFER approaches PORSCHE, concealing the knife. They come face to face. The EMPEROR seems strangely tense at this moment. PORSCHE notices this. He looks SURFER over.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) They've done something to him, they've got leverage... what is it that he is hiding so well? The first step in defeating a trap is knowing of its existence. The Emperor's eyes do not lie. He knows something. Oh, Surfer, did they offer you life for my death? Surely, you may have it...
ZOOM IN
ECU: SURFER'S RIGHT HAND
(He examines SURFER more closely, all C-S-I-style.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Inner voice:) A knife.... (Out loud:) In payment of the many years of service to my family, Surfer, you may ask of me anything you wish. Anything at all. (Quietly, sotto:) Do you need my life, old friend?
(He turns his back on him.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(Quiet:) It is yours.
(SURFER'S eyes grow sad and wide.)
PORSCHE
(Glances back:) I mean this, Surfer. Now or never. Do it or get-off-the-pot. If you are to strike, do it now.
(SURFERS hand rises, as JEZEBEL gasps, but the old Mental pulls his butt plug out with a quick, tearing motion. PORSCHE turns and catches him as he sags. His head lolls back and he looks up to PORSCHE urgently.)
SURFER (Cont'd)
Three... generations... of you...
(His breath escapes him and he is dead.)
PORSCHE
(To the guards:) Carry this noble Mercedes warrior away. Do him all honor. (Motioning to something horrid on the floor:) And get rid of that thing...
(The guards do as they are instructed. Repulsed or not, they know better than to do otherwise.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
Emperor Sh-Boom the IV... there are Guild Highliners above us containing many Great Houses of the Rad Lands.... SEND THEM BACK!
EMPEROR
How dare you speak to me...
GUILDSMAN #2
(Speaking into electric microphone:) Zip it! Stop speaking! Like so shut-up already, old man!
PORSCHE
(To the Guildsmen:) Good. You fiendin' heavyweights have some idea of what I would do but I will tell it to one who has never been seen... one who hides deep in the Highliner control rooms. He will hear it first.
GUILDSMEN #3
(Fear:) No! Not Hop-head! He so like retires next month, bro! And like, he's going through a messy divorce...
(The Guildsman looks at the electronic device as if something got lost in translation... PORSCHE smiles as we move closer and closer to him.)
INT. CONTROL ROOM - HIGHLINER - SPACE
(Suddenly, we are in the Highliner control room, near the floor in the chemical spills. We move up into the green gas. Thundering begins to shake the Highliner.)
PORSCHE V.O.
Scooby, Scooby-Doo...Where are you.... Let me see you or there will be no spice. No more smokee-smokee... Come on out, don't be shy... here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
(We move into very thick gas and there is a roaring sound. Suddenly PORSCHE sees the Boston Third Stage Navigator.)
PORSCHE V.O. (Cont'd)
You know what I'm about to say is true.... I have the power to destroy the spice forever. No sequel, no television miniseries, no royalty shares on the merchandise sales...
(The Guild Navigator's mouth stretches back in a horrible moan. The moan becomes more pained and grows louder and louder.)
HOP-HEAD
Go Bruins!
INT. GREAT HALL - DARAKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(The Guildsmen in the room are MOANING and SCREAMING and swarming out towards the doorway -- the Brew-men stop them, ushering them back inside. The Emperor and all are amazed and frightened. There is a long hush. The old REVEREND MOTHER then turns and glares at PORSCHE.)
REVEREND MOTHER
(Using The Tongue:) You...
PORSCHE
Cool it! (The REVEREND MOTHER is momentarily speechless-) Don't try your powers on me, cougar-mama-witch-lady. Try looking into that place where you dare not look. You'll find me there staring back at you! I have smoked from the blunt that you dare not spark! You Been Lez-a-bit witches have waited sixty-nine generations to produce the one person your schemes required. Here I stand. But... I will never be yours.
REVEREND MOTHER
Stop him, Jezebel!
JEZEBEL
Ah, stop him yourself...
PORSCHE
You saw a part of what the race needs in the beginning. In time you ladies perverted the truth. You sought to control human breeding and intermix a select few according to a selfish master plan, or should I say a mistress plan? (Shakes head.) How little you understand.
REVEREND MOTHER
You mustn't speak of...
PORSCHE
(Using The Tongue:) SILENCE!
(The older-and-bolder woman is shot backwards by the power of his shout. Her breath is knocked out of her.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
I remember your bong ajar, now you remember mine. I can stone with a word.
(A Faygo-kin steps forward and recites from the prophecy.)
FAYGO-KIN #1
Now everybody's heard about the bird: bird bird bird, bird is the word, bird bird bird, bird is the word...
FAYGO-KIN #2
Righteous!
(FRAYED hears this and is angered.)
FRAYED
Righteous!?!
PORSCHE
(To Emperor:) There is a smelly, loud-mouthed, Narc-On-Em among you. Give the rascal a blade and let him stand forth.
EMPEROR
If Frayed wishes, he can meet you with my blade in his hand.
FRAYED
I wish it.
(FRAYED steps forward.)
SMARTY
This is a Narc-On-Em animal. Let me, please, my Lord.
PORSCHE
The Emperor's blade.
(FRAYED takes up the Emperor's blade with a smile. PORSCHE takes out his highpipe. They begin to circle each other. PORSCHE smiles, circling still. Suddenly, FRAYED leaps, his blade jabbing savagely outward, but PORCHE easily evades it, moving away. They begin to circle again. He makes another pass at PORSCHE -- not that kind of pass -- a swipe that comes dangerously close, but again, PORSCHE is away, a frozen smile on his face.)
FRAYED
Why prolong the inevitable? I will kill you! I will kill him!
(FRAYED smiles. He lashes out biting PORSCHE'S hand. FRAYED laughs in triumph. FRAYED leaps forward jabbing, his right hip also forward. Yet PORSCHE, although a little slowly, again reels away. Again, FRAYED thrusts. This time, PORSCHE jabs with his highpipe, but FRAYED moves away effortlessly. FRAYED counters and kicks PORSCHE to the ground.)
STONI
Porsche!
(PORSCHE is up instantly and he circles with FRAYED.)
FRAYED
(Smiling:) Who is the little one? A pet, perhaps? Will she deserve my special attentions?
PORSCHE
(Circling until we're fully dizzy:) Little one? The only little one I see is -- well, I guess one little one deserves another, but it ain't gonna happen, bro. You just ain't got the equipment. So like, Frayed, you know it's an illusion, right? You know that peanut shell and baby carrot you're packin' is just as small as all the other Narc-On-Em genitalia, right? It so runs in your family, so, really, face it already. I mean, you couldn't give Stoni special attentions even if you had a thimble for a strap-on, yo. Just because your pea-pod is drapin' from a bean pole doesn't mean that it's any bigger than Rub-On's (--almost kicks head, steps over it. Narrowly dodges a swipe from FRAYED as he momentarily turned toward SMARTY. Back to FRAYED:) Anyway, cousin, your uncle's navy bean that's tacked to his floating pumpkin ass is really no smaller than yours. It's simply an optical illusion, cuz. Sorry, but logic and the metric system prevail. Measure twice, cut once...
FRAYED
(Stops circling, getting dizzy:) Enough! Bring it on!
(PORSCHE jabs out, his highpipe slashing. FRAYED grabs his arm, and PORSCHE his, the two men locked in a straining clinch. FRAYED presses his right hip closer and closer to PORSCHE'S body.)
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) He keeps favoring that side. It's not a poor fighting habit; it is practiced -- wait! Yes! A bong ajar needle, tucked in his side, hidden. One nick from that and I'm a goner. I must be careful.
(PORSCHE strains to keep the needle away. Suddenly, the bong ajar flips out of FRAYED'S girdle, and he lunges powerfully with it at PORSCHE, who just barely misses taking it in his skin. He throws FRAYED back, but not before FRAYED'S feet strike out, sending PORSCHE to the floor. FRAYED leaps onto him.)
FRAYED
(Whispering:) You see... your death... I will finish you.
(Suddenly, PORSCHE, with lightning swiftness, pushes FRAYED up and over. He is on top of him in a flash. PORSCHE'S highpipe flashes-up, thrusting upward through FRAYED'S jaw. FRAYED'S mouth opens as the pipe continues up, through his tongue and through, into his brain. FRAYED'S eyes go wild, then glaze over as he jerks dead on the floor. PORSCHE slowly gets to his feet, breathing heavily. Anger still seething in him, PORSCHE issues a sound -- a loud, horrible, powerful sound, and FRAYED'S internal organs rupture and the wooden floor under him cracks open. The Faygo-kin smile.)
FAYGO-KIN #2
Coozy no longer needs the weirdo module.
(Everyone stares in disbelief. PORSCHE looks to the Emperor. He blazes a seriously blinging rasta-resin-coated-mega-diplomatic blunt of Presidential proportions -- He offers it to SH-BOOM.)
PORSCHE
Pops. Can I call you Pops? Let's spark this and share a cold one, shall we? Lemme tell ya how it is out here in the sticks... how it's gonna be. Now you got one fine-ass daughter, Sh-Boom. Can I call you Boom-Boom? I mean, that Indica, whew! She's smokin' hot. I've seen lots of pics of her in the tabloids when she went to re-hab on Raygunn-Boosh or whatever and I've always thought she could be a supermodel and she is so hot in every one of them and even her mug-shot and well- Pops, you gonna hit that?
EMPEROR
Where is this heading?
PORSCHE
What? Hit that bro, so it can be heading my way; that's some primo stuff -- ain't that right guys?
(He looks over to the Guildsmen, whose respective drool waterfalls reach the floor in unison to one, collective puddle. The Emperor hits the crystal-trichome-covered delicacy lightly and passes it back, sternly. The rush is immediate; and yet it lasts... and even yet it's still called creeper for a very good reason...)
EMPEROR
(Raises an eyebrow:) What's your point, young man?
PORSCHE
The point is I'm thinkin' now that I run everything and call the shots that I might as well shack-up with someone rich and fine as hell like your daughter but I want to do it all legit and all. Like by gettin' hitched to Indica for realz and all so I can sit on the throne official-like.
EMPEROR
I sit on the throne!
PORSCHE
You will sit on a throne on A Planet Named Shayol, your porta-pottie planet, doncha-know.
EMPEROR
Shayol!?! That's a rest home!
PORSCHE
Consider it an early retirement, Pops. We'll get you out every now and then so you can see our kids... Stoni's kids too! Like one big family! (Takes it from his frozen hand and hits it, puts it back in the EMPEROR'S hand. Like looking at a perfect marble sculpture. Sotto:) Stoni!? See that ass? Fine, Pops! So fine! She's like so totally into the Been-lez-a-bit scene and totally likes the idea as much as I do and we smoke the best and well- (Stands up, more respectful.) Mull it over... Daddy-o. See it now: Shayol's Sunny Acres. There's shuffleboard and a whole lot of fine-ass, rich widows there, too... (The Emperor now is seriously chonging, as if facing castration or the Guillotine. PORSCHE puts a loving arm around him.) Pops, Pops, easy, easy, IT'S A NO-BRAINER; It's either being a nice grampa at Sunny Acres or you're gonna be a prison patsy on a penitentiary planet, yo.
(The Emperor is still and bogarts, resigned that perhaps his time has truly come -- [grampa?]. PORSCHE moves to STONI.)
PORSCHE (Cont'd)
(To STONI:) The Princess and I get a pre-nup and she get's one-third of CHONG shares, and you're my... personal secretary. Is that the way you want it, babe?
STONI
Perfect.
JEZEBEL
We who carry the name of concubine... history will call us wives.
(AH! LEAH! enters with two monks. She signals and one of them places a cloak over PORSCHE'S shoulders.)
PORSCHE
The Brew-men have the word of Poop-a-doob. They will have their Holy War to cleanse The Universe... they will have Darukkus... Dank... their planet. There will be glowing flame here, open to the sky and the rich green veldts. For the spice, there will always be some darkness. There will be fierce winds and trials to toughen men. We Brew-men have a saying... (He stares at the REVEREND MOTHER.) "Bog created Darukkus to stone the faithful." One cannot go against the word of Bog.
(Everyone in the room stares at him soundlessly. The sky opens outside. The storm is over. Sunshine pours in. The outer wall plasma torches, formerly only glowing rods, become flaming swords. Open flame. On Darukkus. On Dank.)
AH! LEAH!
And how can this be?
(There are three powerful drum hits.)
AH! LEAH! (Cont'd)
For... he is the Nick-Knack-Paddy-Wack!
EXT. DARAKKEEN PALACE - DUSK
(The Brew-men stand awestruck as they see open flame from the plasma torches across the outer wall.)
INT. GREAT HALL - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(We move through PORSCHE'S glowing red eyes into beautiful pink luminescent light.
A gigantic wind arises, and suddenly appearing in the pink light is an ocean of white light rolling like platinum glass off into infinity. The red becomes darker and a silver poppy flower blooms in the night.)
FTB
RUN END CREDITS CHAPTER SIX