Scene 7.19 - A Pirate Encounter
EST: EXT: Near an island off the shores of the Eastern South Americas - March 23rd, 1813 - Day
(Use every cameo and every person not-bolted-down to be a pirate on a massive warship. It pulls alongside the small pink craft. The sea is calm and the sky is sunny. The warship guides the tiny boat into a small lagoon, nudging it along with gentle bumps.)
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Ahoy!
CAMPY
Ahoy! Captain Morgan! It's me! Campy!
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
(Brogue:) Campy! Whatcha doin' down there on a skiff not even worth boardin'? (Pause.) Where's our treasure, Campy?
CAMPY
You mean MY treasure! I earned it proper when ya marooned me on Cannibal Island and I'm still aroun' an' I gots it right here!
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Our treasure, Son. That p'tick'lar box belongs to all o' us; every pirate aboard's invested innit. Come on, Campy, ya like the son I ne'er had -- I was the one who threw inna whiteball when theyz votin' to toss ya overboard when ya killed our only lucky mascot-
CAMPY
Sorry about settin' the rat-tap fer ol' Bernie, she was eatin' my grub- I didn't knows she was carryin' a lucky litter o' nine or nuttin'-
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Yes lad, I knows you're a good lad now- whatcha say you help us haul that chest aboard and we can welcome ya back with a celebration over some o' this Cuban Rum we lifted from The Madras Beetle and we'll catch up on old times. You're our best and only land scout, Boy, we can't replace yas. We've all been missin' ya, lad, missin' ya lots, missin' ya to the point o' achin'...
MASTER MONTY
I don't mean to interrupt your little family love-session here, but you fellas are kinda blocking my way to the Lost City. If ya want to take the lad back and have a big ol' drunken reunion grope, that's your business, but if'n if you only want to take his treasure now, that is not gonna happen, cuz it's his treasure now, and he's legally obtained it with me as a witness, and that's good enough for me. (To Campy:) You wanna go with them Campy, you go. If you want to leave your treasure, you can do that, too. It's your choice.
CAMPY
I do want to be with them, they're me mates. When I was still a boy, (was?) they saved me from a pedophile named Captain Bly who ran a slave-ship and was gonna auction-me-off to a bunch of old, hairy, goat-smellin'- They're good pirates. Nice pirates.
MONTY
Nice enough to abandon you...
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Aw, the boys was jus' teachin' 'im a lesson, that's all... part o' 'is upbringin'... So what is it, Campy? You comin' up?
MASTER MONTY
He's comin', but his treasure stays here.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Be sensible, man. We're in a good mood today.
MASTER MONTY
Well, that mood's about to change. (Lifts chest.) You drop a ladder and pick up your kid and haul your asses outta my way and start teachin' the lad how to read as part of his upbringin' and I'll just hang on to his property until he comes back to claim it. Otherwise, I'll just drop this chest into the lagoon here and now and watch you all-
PIRATES
(Ad libs.) No! Don't do that! Please, no!
(One pirate falls overboard in a futile, unchecked gesture of reaching-out to the treasure to somehow prevent its sinking.)
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Man overboard!
MASTER MONTY
I'll hang onto this; for now. Pretty precious cargo considering it was entrusted to the least-educated of your lot. Not too brainy to assume because the lad can't read that he doesn't have the smarts to know that you value this box more than you value his head.
CAMPY
I got diff'rent smarts. Really, Hippie-Dude, it's okay. I'll be okay... Just give him the-
CAPTAIN MORGAN
What I'm not sure you realize, young sailor, is that we know that box can be brought back to the surface, and whether you throw it overboard or not won't mean piss if'n we sink you now. You have my word, if you let us get what is ours, we'll be on our way and you can feel lucky to be spared our guns, for it is simply unmannerly for a ship of our prestige to engage a skiff of such ill caliber.
MASTER MONTY
...Skiff of- ...Such ill caliber? Wha- what's wrong with my boat?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
For one, it's pink!
(Hearty laughter from all the pirates.)
MASTER MONTY
Drop anchor.
(POKE does so.)
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Drop anchor!
(FIRST MATE FREEMAN does so.)
CAPTAIN MORGAN
So we've come to our wits, now, eh?
MASTER MONTY
More to my wit's end, Wannabe Jones. I see no sense in sinking a perfectly-good boat that with a fresh paisley coat of bleached tar wouldn't be a fine vessel indeed and you really don't want to go divin' for whatever is in this box, so I was thinkin' I was willin' to negotiate wonnerdem compromises. But when you've gone and insulted my ship, you've done ticked me off. Either I'm comin' up there to kick your ass one-on-one or your whole crew can meet me down on the shore and we'll all fight this fisticuffs until somebody sees it the other guy's way. Before either of us goes anywhere, we're all gonna hash this out -- one way or another.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
(Pause. Hearty Laughter.) I'll meet you ashore, young man! I'll even give you a sporting chance to run! Men: We go ashore!
CAMPY
Monty, stop this -- this is the most foolish thing I've ever seen anyone do!
MASTER MONTY
You're young; believe me, you'll see a whole slew of idiots who are more foolish than this guy. Don' try to stop him; I'm P-O'd.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
If his fighting is anything like his sailing; he'll be begging us to sink it! Pry the purty pink pinnacle out of it's purgatorial penance!
(Hearty laughter!)
MASTER MONTY
She's a caravel; dumbass.
(More hearty laughter, drowning-out MONTY's subsequent explanation of why a restored 16th-century craft painted to look like a floating pink whale with googly-eyes and eyelashes is even there in the- Sustained. Prolonged; show several close ups of dirty pirates and dirtier pirate groups aboard and the filthy captain and the dusty first mate in the rowboat all laughing and whooping as if it were side-splitting and memorable. MONTY looks to the camera, sour.)
SOUND: GONG!
CUT TO:
MS: EXT. ISLAND BEACH, TWILIGHT
MUSIC: REED FLUTE
(MONTY is squatting, eating the meat from a coconut; serene. He drinks the milk and as he tilts its husk upward, he notices a man approaching. He stands, chucking the coconut and he quickly returns a salute to a somewhat-roughened FIRST MATE FREEMAN, who has a bloodied, bandaged right hand and a less-bloodied, bandaged head wound above his left eyebrow. The wounds appear to have been healing for several days, perhaps a week.)
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
All preparations are complete sir, your new ship is all refitted and ready for inspection, Captain.
MASTER MONTY
Nah, nah, I'm not the captain, Morgan is... Captain Morgan, it just sounds right... you all still do what you do, piratin' and all -- it's just that we've made one big boat out of two small ones and I'm boss an' y'all work for me now, no questions asked, no excuses given.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Yes, Captain... sir -- we don't know what to call you.
MASTER MONTY
You all got pirate names, do you not?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Yessir. I'm First Mate Freeman.
MASTER MONTY
Well, First Mate Freeman, I'll pick one for myself... Mine will be... (Looks to the blooms of Aster Pringlei about him.) ... Casino.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Casino?
MASTER MONTY
Yes. Is everyone aboard?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
All but you and I, sir.
(They begin walking to a rowboat, many yards away. MONTY sparks a mondo spleef and passes.)
MASTER MONTY
Then let us not waste any time.
(From the beach, they see a hull with a pink-and-purple-paisley painted picture of petunias, peonies and protea poking petals through the paisley pictographs. The pink maidenhead is of a beautiful woman, whose body is sculpted after CHONGI, yet remains as pink as the boat from which the planks were salvaged to sculpt her feminine shape. This majestic vessel dominates the harbor where there used to be two mediocre crafts; one floral king boat is anchored in their place. This artesian masterpiece has gilding of a Viking vessel, yet utilizes Koa better than the best of Tiki canoes. The Jolie Rouge is sleek, fast and deadly.)
MASTER MONTY (Cont'd)
When I dreamt of sailing in the perfect vessel, this is what I envisioned. The men have done well, Freeman.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
The Jolie Rouge is a wonderful craft, ready for her maiden voyage. I will tell the men that you approve, Master Casino.
MASTER MONTY
Just "Casino," Freeman. I have no airs, and if you call me that enough, the other men will surely pick it up real quick. Casino.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Yes, Casino.
MASTER MONTY
How many casks of rum is she holding?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
All seventy-four, Casino.
MASTER MONTY
That much? We can't get anywhere unless we clear-out some space in the cargo area -- you tell the men that before we set sail, I want at least five of those casks drank-up or I'll throw a couple of ya overboard to lose the weight, you got me? Ballast duty...
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Yes, Casino. Ballast duty. I'm sure the men will call it a labor of love...
MASTER MONTY
If you don't think I can back up what I say-
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
I know you can; Casino. Ballast duty. I'll tell the captain first thing.
MASTER MONTY
Good, good. Hey, Freeman, while you and I are out here walking alone and all gettin' blazed, tell me: What's in that treasure box Campy's got that's so important that made all of youse brave enough to take me on? Surely it's nothing worth gettin' kilt over.
FIRST MATE FREEMEN
Not our lives we're worried about... I don't know if I should be the one tellin' ya, Casino, but someone's bound to- it's got books in it, we really didn't want them to get wet; not that blood runs, but paper spoils and we gotta keep movin' it cuza it's curst and all-
MASTER MONTY
A curse? Now that sounds almost as interesting as the fact that the chest contains parchment written in blood. Praytell, what books? What is this about a curse?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
(At rowboat:) Best to let the captain tell ya, Casino. Among us; his name's written in there first.
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