Scene 8.08 - News
EST: EXT. Jolie Rouge at sea - July 2nd, 1815 - Early Evening
LS: The laser-powered Zeppelin lands in the water, near the Jolie Rouge. Pirates help Campy aboard and retrieve the craft.
INT. Monty's lab
(MONTY is taking a swab of FIRST MATE FREEMAN'S mouth and is studying it under a custom-built microscope. DOCTOR DREAD looks on, engaged and interested almost to the point of being in MONTY'S way. They're all sharing a blunt.)
DOCTOR DREAD
Could it be related to-
MONTY
No, no. Curing Shylock and the others' leprosy was a good thing, but that road's a dead end here -- this is completely different. There's something that all of you have in common that we don't -- other than messing with the treasure -- The Old Man, The Pope, we were unaffected.
DOCTOR DREAD
I don't know what our common link is -- I can't imagine what that would be.
MONTY
Myself, Campy, Chongi, Poke, Sadie, Emerald and even Olaf are yet to be touched by the curse, we seem immune. Why?
DOCTOR DREAD
You guess is as good as mine.
MONTY
What do we have in common? Initially I thought my immunity was due to my daily regimen of moat-mold and fungi cake I got in prison -- maybe I am right, but it doesn't explain -- I think I'm on the right path here... I'm close to a breakthrough, I can feel it!
DOCTOR DREAD
We all have full confidence in you, Casino.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Aye.
MONTY
(To the departing men.) Keep hopeful. I don't want to disappoint you or any of the men -- there's a cure, there's got to be!
(They exit, taking the blunt with them. CAMPY bustles in as they leave, out of breath, wet. A hooded hawk is on his gloved hand.)
CAMPY
My Lord!
MONTY
(Not looking up.) What is it, Campy?
CAMPY
A ship carrying a ton of dank and seven passengers departed from the Havana port very early this morning.
MONTY
Nothing new, sounds like easy pickin's -- where are they headed?
CAMPY
South Beach.
MONTY
That's one of our islands. Run it by Morgan, he's in charge of acquisitions -- see if we got wind enough to reach it in time...
CAMPY
Sir, it's The Cherry Mary.
MONTY
(Looks up.) I told you that ship is off limits. As far as I'm concerned; I'm still captain of that ship. We're not ready for that yet-
CAMPY
Sir, Larry Bling is aboard the craft.
MONTY
(Excited, up:) He's at sea?
CAMPY
Yes! There's more.
MONTY
Tell me, good sir...
CAMPY
Bling's wife and stepdaughter are also aboard.
MONTY
This is even better -- A family outing. Perfect.
CAMPY
There's more.
MONTY
Come with it, man!
CAMPY
Winnebego's daughter, DeMoney's daughter and her mother are along for the ride.
MONTY
DeMoney's daughter's mo- you mean Misty? My Misty? My wife?
CAMPY
Yes. We dare not take you into Havana yet, we still need more leverage. This could help us gain that.
MONTY
You're shrewd, Campy...
CAMPY
I told you -- Smarts.
MONTY
Who is the seventh passenger?
CAMPY
Our inside man.
MONTY
Gotcha. I appreciate your support and suggestions, Campy, but I must reserve the right to modify or deny-
CAMPY
Hey, it's your show -- I'm just your P-R man.
MONTY
My what?
CAMPY
Image, brother, image. Public Relations. Ain't you some famous folk singer all over Europe?
MONTY
I suppose so. They didn't throw tomatoes at us. They sure tried to in Russia with potatoes... they f- ...they hurt.
CAMPY
You need to be like them Euro-studs -- show your woman that you know who's boss. Didn't you say you were in Italy?
MONTY
Rome itself. The Pope liked me and the Chalice Of The Byzantine so much, he ordered my "Cowbell To The Max" tour to be extended in Italy for four weeks -- three times at the Vatican! Total hog for cowbell. We had to play Florence, Venice, Vesuvius...
CAMPY
Let's go get your ship -- it's yours, right? We can go all gangsta and get all mafioso on their ass... Capiche'?
MONTY
Sicily -- yeah, that's where Chongi had her bout with laryngitis and we had to skip our date with Crete. I like the notion: Gangsta.
(He makes two transcendental "okay" signs and does a weird-Kung-Fu double-jointed wrist-twist and poses with his gang sign.)
CAMPY
(Smiles. So old school. Needs work.) Come on, Godfather, lemme doll you up so we can show 'em what you got.
MONTY
I've got an idea. Tell Morgan we need to head toward South Beath A-S-A-P and y'all come back here and help me build the jail.
CAMPY
Jail?
MONTY
I can't predict what may occur or what I may learn, but I may control the conditions under which I may learn it. The time has come.
CAMPY
Yes, Master Casino, I'm following you... we gotta doll-up the whole ship -- everybody! Yeah, yeah -- gangsta... I'll be right back!
(Exits. MONTY sparks a phatty, satisfied.)
MUSIC UP: Electric guitar and back up vocalists.
CU: MONTY mouthing the Cuban Cigar like it were a nipple of Venus.
MONTY
(Smiling, picks up a cowbell, thumbs a rhythm while lighting a perfectly-rolled, Art-Deco blunt. Musing, sings in the immortal style of Freddie Mercury:) "Ooooh, the spleef of a chief, such a cool-motif spleef. With a stoner a jones'n for that honey-coated leaf. Ooooh, when I'm holding you near, it's the right time of year, she's here when I need some, she growin' on trees son. Ooh, I'm in love with my blunt, gotta love for marijuana, get a grip on my Art-Deco Thai stick, ol' Mary Jane: You can't find ya a mo' fly chick. Don't need to fiend, she's a real go-getter, don't need a pipe with some fool carburetor, just hit twice sayin' it shore-the-hell-do taste nice, blunts don't talk back, they're Mother Nature's all-spice... When I'm tokin' your end, yo, and I'm losing a friend, but yet I'm gaining another, baby gonna roll you a baby brotha from your mutha, oooh, I'm in love with my blunt, gotta love for marijuana, I'm in love with my blunt, brings back times when I was so ultra-mega high...
(Fiendishly tokes.)
FTB