Scene 8.12 - Surprise Countermeasures
EST: EXT. Dairy Farm, Upstate Cuba - July 4th, 1815 - Twilight
(POKE arrives at the milk farm of BENNIE. BENNIE is busy sawing wood. POKE is smoking a long blunt, feeling his way along.)
BENNIE
(Stops working, wipes sweat from brow, crosses.) Hello, Friend. I see you are a man of God. What can I do for you, old-timer?
POKE
I serve only one master: Destiny. I'm seeking a man that is sometimes called Honest Jack...
BENNIE
(Wipes hand with handkerchief, extends it, pauses, notices POKE'S blindness.) That's me, what's your business, priest?
POKE
Official, sir. I would like you to accompany me to settle a legal dispute, in the event one may arise.
BENNIE
Can't say I've ever been much help in those matters. Where are you thinkin' of headin' me to?
POKE
I would like to take you to Roxanopolis.
BENNIE
(Taken aback:) Roxanopolis?
POKE
Yes.
BENNIE
(For a moment, forgets he's a man of God:) Aw, hell no! That city is lost for a reason- Hell no! How do you know about Roxanopolis?
POKE
When you get to be my age, what you don't know finds its own way of knowing you. I was a... treasure hunter once.
BENNIE
So was I, Friend, I'm only a servant of the Lord now. I don't seek a city of Gold, only a house with God. Be on your way, Friend...
POKE
Pardon, Sir, (Offers blunt:) I have intimate knowledge of many things that concern you, Sir, I would like you to be my companion for a short time at least -- I hear your knowledge of the sea is unsurpassed.
BENNIE
(Can't resist the Cannabis Unobtainibis. Tokes, smiles, remembering.) I don't know whether to endear you or fear you, venerable one.
POKE
(Chuckling.) Love me, I am far too old to be fearsome.
BENNIE
Folks used to call me Lord Bennie when I was fearsome. Now I'm simply Honest Jack. What are you called in these parts, Pops?
POKE
(Blazes another double-mega-Zen-power-blunt, bows:) I am Master Poke, humble priest of the Shower-Lynn.
BENNIE
You've got me intrigued, Slow-Poke.
POKE
Please, it's Master Poke. (Tokes. Passes.) Will you sail with me to Roxanopolis?
BENNIE
No. Definately not.
POKE
Please good sir; why not?
BENNIE
Fool's gold. I told you, I'm all done with treasure hunting...
POKE
I assure you, it isn't about-
BENNIE
Lemme level wit' you; all that treasure's cursed -- you wanna live another eighty years, remember that.
POKE
I am not seeking gold, my good man. I do not need gold.
BENNIE
(Holding two blunts, roaches one.) What's this about really? Tell me straight or be on your way.
POKE
I am a friend of Monty Bizkit and on his behalf, I only wish to assist him in helping fix what has been broken for far, far, too long...
BENNIE
You're the second stranger to mention his name to me -- what was it with Monty? Was there something about him I didn't know?
POKE
Not much, other than that he is alive.
BENNIE
What?!?
POKE
As his legal representative, I have been sent to bring you to Roxanopolis to testify in a small matter.
(Long pause. Lots of info, lots of questions.)
BENNIE
Yeah. Best come inside, old-timer, I think we both have some long talkin' to do. I have a cask of rot-gut; for medicinal reasons, of course.
POKE
Of course. The sun is rather hot today...
BENNIE
I got some lemonade inside and some fresh strawberries from the garden... you like taking your shots straight-up, Slow-Poke?
POKE
It's Poke.
BENNIE
This way, Slow-Poke, follow my voice... I hope you like molasses and sweetbread, I got plenty left from the farm-and-art market.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Captain's Cabin, Jolie Rouge
(LARRY, amazed, keeps trying to commit to memory as much as he can from three particular treasure maps. He hears a clog-clog and quickly replaces the papers into the open chest and closes it and sits again, smoking a blunt and cradling a triple-shot of Cuban Rum. A few moments later, we hear a bustling, a jingle of keys and finally, MORGAN enters. His eyes immediately survey the room and go directly to the chest. "Out-of-place." A small breath of disappointment and a half-smirk of understanding and he locks the door once again and strides forward, back to his desk. LARRY is nervously hopeful all the while.)
LARRY
Well?
MORGAN
You know, you were right about submitting that report and it verifies you knew about this omission in the log book. I've prepared a document, an affidavit, if you will, that explains your statement in detail. Please read this official statement fully, and sign here.
(He doesn't read it fully, yet signs it. Let this be an example to illustrate why reading is important. He just signed a confession.)
MORGAN
Yes. (Pause.) Like I said, you look like an honest guy. I know you're probably blameless, yet there is a bit of unfinished business between you and I...
LARRY
I- I don't understand...
MORGAN
I talked to that records specialist and not only did he tell me he could personally verify the accuracy of your statement concerning this Monty Bizkit fellow, he actually helped me draft this document, which upon oath you attest is completely true.
LARRY
Every word, I swear!
MORGAN
Curiosity made you a thief, lust made you a hero, and now hope makes you a liar. So much for honesty. Come in, Casino!
MONTY
(Silently opens locked door without a key, quietly shuts it behind him, click, still locked. Points to chest.) He look in it?
MORGAN
Of course he did, I told you, I'm right as rain about these things. I win.
LARRY
Who is this?
MONTY
Come on, Larry, don't you recognize me?
LARRY
(Drops drink, everything.) Oh, God! (Reaches for his dagger in hidden sheath -- not there. MORGAN drops it to the table where a fragment of one of the treasure maps remains. MORGAN examines it. LARRY has a panic attack and collapses on the floor.) Monty! No!
MORGAN
(Goes to help LARRY.) Easy! Easy!
MONTY
Relax, pal, Morgan and I had a bet and Morgan won so you're off the hook -- this time -- you get to have his brand of vengeance, not mine.
LARRY
Morgan? Is that your name? I thought it was- What- what's this mean?
MONTY
It means you're guilty of mutiny and a whole slew of crimes that would hang you normally, but Morgan's gonna let you off with a fresh start if'n you join up on this ship and be his quartermaster, starting now. Five pence a day, one-fifteenth of the take.
LARRY
What?
MORGAN
Yes, what he said, except one-seventeenth. You got the pirate's curse, and you're stuck afloat as much as we are, and The Cherry Mary is back under the command of its rightful captain. You're here with me now. You might as well know the truth...
(Losing artifice about the cabin and among themselves, they reveal that they are pirates and they are aboard the Jolie Rouge.)
LARRY
What? Oh my God! I am cursed! I'm to remain aboard here? Please, allow me to go back to-
MONTY
Nope. Cool your heels. Get to know Morgan a little more. You won't be going anywhere. Feel lucky this is the worst you get.
(Begins to exit-)
LARRY
Monty! About you being sent away-- it was Moe! I didn't have anything to do with-
(MONTY decks LARRY good, sending him to the floor.)
LARRY
Whapoluh!
MONTY
That's for screwing me over and then having the druthers to try to lie to me about it. At least man-up to your misdeeds, I know what you did. Like I said, it's over now, but I don't owe you any favors. You gotta work on all that lying you do.
(He silently exits with paperwork in hand. Click! The door remains locked.)
MORGAN
(Pours a drink for LARRY to replace the one sent across the room.) Did he knock a tooth out, Lad?
LARRY
It feels like he thid buthee thiddent.
MORGAN
I know; he hits hard. Here, have a sip o' this, it will help numb the pain.
LARRY
Thankoo-
MORGAN
For a man who's just lost everything, you need something to lighten your spirits. (Sparking a blunt.) Now, Quartermaster, since you've gone and put your mitts into my chest, why don't we really open her up and get a really good look at what's all in there?
(LARRY actually feels lighter in spirit somehow.)
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT./INT. Balloon-basket
(MOE and WINNIE are ecstatic, leaning over the rail of a hot-air balloon basket, pointing at land features far below.)
MOE
Look at those smokestacks! They look like little pins!
WINNIE
Look at all those Ginnys pickin' cotton on that plantation over there! They look like little ants, except they're all singin' gospel!
MOE
Shhh!
WINNIE
What?
MOE
(Sotto:) Watch what you say... Our pilot is colored.
WINNIE
Yeah? So? He ain't a slave! He's practically white.
WINNIE
You outta ask him about- you know.
MOE
Winnie! We can't! Not here!
WINNIE
Nah, he's like a cab driver. We pay him to see nothing.
MOE
I'm not joining the mile-high club in the back of a balloon.
WINNIE
No, not that! The weed! Ask him if it's cool to blaze up ...
MOE
We're almost there, we can wait...
WINNIE
Ask him!
MOE
(Steps to the pilot at the helm. It's CAMPY.) You know where we're headin', boy?
CAMPY
(Boy?) Uhhhh... (Beat.) Yessah! Ise shore know de right ways to go, Massah. I knows right where yallz headin shore-nuff! I'll git you dere in no time flat, Massa DeMoney! This Tom shore do like de sound of dat -- show me DeMoney!
MOE
You will be paid well, my boy-
CAMPY
I shore doughn git offa da plantation much but whin Bossman say it's time to be plantin' I be plantin' when Preacher man in da chuhch say iz time fo' prayin' I do be prayin' and when De Money man say in da balloon it be time for flyin' I be fly-
MOE
I must ask you -- Is this a smoking flight?
CAMPY
Ain't dey all?
MOE
Wonderful! (Blazes a respectable blunt. WINNIE is alongside in a heartbeat. Awkward pass to WINNIE and back to MOE.) We'd share with you, but... but...
WINNIE
It's not a black thing, really.
CAMPY
(Not surprised, but a little disappointed.) Oh, I knows dat.
MOE
We'll leave you to steer the wheel, boy... you need your faculties anyway to keep on course... we'll go to the back of the balloon -- and we won't disturb you with this, we only wanted to know if it was safe to blaze all up in here and figgered to ask.
CAMPY
It kool.
WINNIE
Sure, I mean, I figgered you were cool about it. I could read that right off. Right?
CAMPY
Really? Yeah, I'm cool about it.
WINNIE
See? I told you -- he's a Negro, they're all cool with the reefer...
CAMPY
(He throws a peg into the steering wheel [yes, like on a ship] and locks it into 'autopilot.' He sparks his own No-Camping-Allowed-Unless-It's-To-Prove-A-Wasted-Point, 190-Proof, Double-Mega-Power, Three-High-Island, Trauma-Blunt. Whiteys' eyes disgorge themselves in disbelief. Campy casually camps as he delivers the following in better English than the two have heard outside of a castle in a long while:) Fortunately for you sir, I am not a Negro, I am a mulatto, descended from a Negro, descended from a monkey. It appears that my family begins where yours ends. For your safety, I ask that you do proceed to the back and be seated, as we shall be landing shortly. I would hate for either of you, or both of you, to discover mishap while we are still seven hundred feet above God's Green Glory. (Tokes, adjusts his mask.) Please find your seats gentlemen.
(They do, without a word said. Buzz-kill. CAMPY turns around, un-chocks his wheel and tokes, smiling to himself, amused.)
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. Everglades, July 4, 1815 - Dusk.
(The glowing light-bulb crashes in a swamp. Gators abound.)
SADIE
Is everyone all right?
WANDA
I'm okay.
WALLY
Quite a bump there...
SADIE
(Picks up EMERALD.) Can't believe the baby slept through that...
WANDA
Where are we?
SADIE
The Everglades. Still about forty miles shy of South Beach.
WANDA
Are those alligators there in the water?
SADIE
Uh, yep.
WALLY
We're sinking!
SADIE
Yep. We're gonna have to try to swim for it.
WANDA
To where? I don't see any land from here...
SADIE
North, I guess.
WALLY
Which is what way from here?
SADIE
I think it's... that way...
WANDA
You think?
SADIE
I don't know! If we all had hurried like I said we needed to, we wouldn't be here! Feel lucky we didn't crash in the open sea.
WALLY
You're the one who suggested that we break-out the bong... anyway, how is this any better than the open sea?
SADIE
Well, we have hope, at least...
WANDA
Those gators are swimmin' mighty close to us. We can't stay here like this.
SADIE
Get ready to jump, we're going to have to swim for it; this basket isn't made for floating...
WALLY
Would now be the time to mention I can't swim?
WANDA
Wally!
WALLY
Not too well, anyway. I can only dog paddle...
SADIE
(About to cut herself.) If you take my baby to safety, I'll stay here and keep them gators focused on me while you get to shore...
WANDA
(Surprisingly, she stops her from doing so.) We won't let you do-
SADIE
I don't think we have a choice. (Hands over EMERALD.) Take her! Go now, before it's too-
(A loud motor is heard in the distance. A raft with a large electric fan pushing it forward pulls alongside. Lanterns, soldiers and muskets abound. Alligators shy-away from the craft and the balloon's occupants are hoisted-aboard the raft by visored men.)
SADIE
Thank heavens! You've saved us! Who are you?
TERFER
Gitmo.
WANDA
What is this?
TERFER
Gitmo.
WALLY
What?
TERFER
(Lifts visor, revealing his face to SADIE.) Git mo' than you bargained for...
SADIE
Terfer!
(They embrace. She kisses him.)
SADIE (Cont'd)
Your face!
TERFER
Whatcha think? Pretty enough for you, or should I put my mask back on and forget this ever happened?
SADIE
(Crying while embracing him:) Oh, Terfer!
TERFER
I'm happy to see you too, Sadie.
SADIE
How are you here? How did you find us?
TERFER
We got a secret facility just yonder. We was gettin' ready for our big drop back South when we saw your craft overhead...
SADIE
Drop South?
TERFER
We're going back to Roxanopolis, right after we meet up with Lord General in SoBe.
SADIE
South Beach, that's where we were headed. (Pause. Accepts a blunt in rotation that some nice man was kind enough to spark.) This is an impressive watercraft.
TERFER
Thanks, my own design.
SADIE
I was trying to get these two there in time for the concert.
TERFER
That won't be a problem. We'll make the concert.
SADIE
It's going to start at sundown. It's nearly twilight now. We're over forty miles away, we'll never make it.
TERFER
Yeah we will. We got time. We'll miss the first set, maybe, but...
SADIE
I'm not saying that this isn't impressive or that it doesn't go fast, I'm only saying that the concert will be over by the time-
(They enter a waterway passage into a small lagoon harbor. It is a well-lit super-secret facility. Barbed wire, dogs and all.)
TERFER
We're not taking this, wife. We're taking that.
SADIE
Oh my! What's that?
(Floating in the water is a long, sleek, black canister.)
TERFER
A new-clear powered sub-mariner, I call it Jonah's Whale -- it goes thirty-three point thirty-three knots at full speed.
SADIE
Wha- how did you come by such an unusual craft?
TERFER
I didn't come by it, my queen, I built it.
(He helps them aboard the deck of the sub. He goes to the hatch and opens it.)
TERFER (Cont'd)
Gettin' past the steam-power was the trick -- this new-clear cold-fusion power gizmo I got from Lord General moves this thing faster than a legion of men could ever row or faster than any wind could carry her...
SADIE
This is- this is amazing!
TERFER
I'm glad you approve, wife.
SADIE
You really want me to be your wife?
TERFER
Do I want the sun to come up tomorrow? Do I want to breathe? Yes, my lady, be mine, forever.
SADIE
(Holding EMERALD, about to hand her off to him so she may descend.) You know I'm a package deal.
TERFER
I knew that when I first met you. If I didn't want this for us, for all of us, I wouldn't be here.
SADIE
Quite fortunate that you were.
TERFER
I'll admit, I've been tracking your approach on radar. I like keeping an eye on those I care about.
SADIE
What's radar?
TERFER
Go below deck, I'll show you.
SADIE
(Climbing down.) I love you,Terfer.
TERFER
And I love you, Wife...
FTB